The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

Our 5th tradition says, Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. How do we do this? How has this supported and worked in your recovery? In full, it reads, Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics. I explore how this tradition appeared in my life, in reverse order of the phrases in the tradition. Welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics. * I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting with some fear and trepidation. I didn’t know what I was going to find there, and I was terrified that I’d meet someone who knew me. Of course, that happened even before I stepped into the room! * I really don’t remember what anyone said at that meeting, but by the end of the meeting, I knew one very important fact: I WAS NO LONGER ALONE! * I was welcomed with open and loving arms into the Al-Anon fellowship. That alone was enough for me to come back the next week, and the next, and the next. * I try to remember to extend this welcome whenever a new person comes to a meeting, but also to all members, whether new or “long timers”. This can be a spiritual practice: to smile, to say “hi”, and to listen with real interest. * In my experience, there is no comfort to be had that is greater than someone saying, “I’ve been there. This is what I did. It wasn’t easy, but I got better.” Understanding and encouraging our alcoholic relatives. * Oh, this was hard. I was so angry and resentful of my loved one’s alcoholism. Initially, I was angry at her. Why couldn’t she just stop. Or maybe just drink normally? Why couldn’t we go back to the “way it was”? * I started to learn about the disease concept by attending “friends and family” days at treatment centers (and yes, there were several of these). * What really drove home to me that alcoholism was a disease, and that it was not a choice of my loved one, was attending AA speaker meetings. During my first few years, I must have attended 100 of these. I started to see that the “arc” of their story was the same, even though all the details were different. * I could hear my wife’s story in other people’s voices, when I couldn’t hear it from her. I could start to develop compassion for her struggle. * “Encouraging” — What does that mean? It’s not standing on the sideline shouting “Rah!” or “Ole!” or “you can do it!” At least I don’t think so. For me, it was being loving (as best I could), whether she was drinking or not. It was not berating her when she slipped, as she did many times. And it wasn’t always easy. Practicing the 12 steps of AA ourselves. * This is where recovery happened for me. I had to find (at least the concept of) a higher power. I had to look at myself and ask for help to change. I had to clean up “my side of the street.” And I had to grow into a new way of living, and finding a new emotional and spiritual center for myself. Readings and Links I read from Courage to Change, December 20. Upcoming Upcoming topics include quotes. What quotes have helped you or inspired you? A listener suggested the topic of Spiritual Experiences. Have you had a spiritual experience (large or small)? Share it and help us to put together an episode. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

How do you have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference? I reflect on how many times I have applied the serenity prayer during a weekend vacation. Upcoming Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.  

Step 10 says “We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” Mary Pearl T gives us her usual insightful and humorous take on this step. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.  

Is someone you love facing jail or prison because of their drinking or addiction? How do you live through something like that? Michele and Marc share their experience, strength, and hope. Their son started drinking and using drugs in high school, and it's been quite a ride since then. He is now in prison. They describe their journey and what it's like for them now. Readings and Links Marc opened with a reading from the Nar-Anon daily reader, Sharing Experience, Strength, and Hope, July 24. Michele read from April 18 of that book. In response to a topic suggestion of “principles before personalities”, I referred to our episode 98 on Tradition 12. A listener suggested a topic about adult children who are still actively using, and I pointed to the Parents' Roundtable, episode 22. Upcoming We have a topic suggestion of quotes, proverbs, and parables. We'd love to hear about the ones that are meaningful to you.  Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Red Hot Chili Peppers: Soul to Squeeze Spacehog: In the Meantime https://youtu.be/TDkhl-CgETg Leann Rimes: How Do I Live Without You  

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Mary Pearl does her usual in-depth, funny, and moving presentation of these steps. Readings and Links A caller recommended the May 20 reading from Hope for Today. Feedback Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

The Suggested Al-Anon Welcome says, in part “… it is possible to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.” How can this happen? I was recently talking with an Al-Anon friend whose loved one had relapsed. My friend wondered if it was possible to have a life that wasn’t full of anger and sadness even though there was active drinking in their home again. I tried to speak from my own experience, because I had been in that place for a couple years. I did find “contentment and even happiness” while my loved one was still drinking. How did I do that? In my first year in Al-Anon, my wife had 8 months of continuous sobriety before relapsing. So I was at least able to start to get into the program before I was challenged to really apply the tools and principles I had been learning. It would be another 2 ½ years before she “hit her bottom” and found long term sobriety (one day at a time). Before Al-Anon, my soul was full of anger, despair, resentment, fear, frustration, and rage. I felt that I was a failure, and didn’t understand why she couldn’t just drink “normally”. Was that too much to ask? And obviously it was my job to make that happen! Except that nothing worked. During the next 2 ½ years, there were short periods of sobriety, or at least not drinking. But emotionally, I was in a very different place than I had been. I was definitely unhappy about the drinking, and felt frustration and anger with each relapse. But I didn’t carry those feelings with me all the time. What made the difference? Recently, I heard her tell a friend, “I was a low bottom alcoholic”. Those words surprised me (13 years later!) I knew it was bad for her at the end, but I didn’t really know how bad. From my perspective, she had gotten to a point in her life where she had nothing to do but drink. We still had a house to live in, cars to drive, and enough money to put food on the table. But during those months, I hadn’t put my life on hold to try to fix her. I was getting sleep, I was doing things I liked, and I definitely had periods of contentment and happiness. Also sadness that the person I loved might be drinking herself to death (and some fear that it would come to that.) Looking back, I think those gift of the Al-Anon program came from: Acceptance and compassion * Alcoholism is a disease. I can’t cure it. I can’t control it. Lots of AA speaker talks (probably at least 100) convinced me of this. * I came to understand that she hated what was happening at least as much as I did. She was also powerless over it. (vision of her in the passenger seat, screaming, with her alcoholism driving). Detaching with love * Worth a whole episode (12, 188) * I cannot tie my happiness to someone else’s behavior. * I can love someone, even when they are not behaving as I want them to. * 2 kinds of detaching: * Detach my loved one’s self from their actions in my head. * Detach myself from them. (Stay inside my hula hoop.) * Don’t “nag”. Only makes them mad and me frustrated. Taking care of myself * Physical health, but maybe more importantly emotional and spiritual health. (Prayer and meditation.) * Do nice things for myself. Give myself permission to enjoy life. * Work the steps! * Live one day at a time. * Attitude of gratitude. Surround myself with support * Go to meetings. * Call friends / sponsor. * Read the literature. The last few months weren’t the best time of my life, but they also were, by far, not the worst. Using the tools and principles of the Al-Anon program, I made a life that didn’t depend on my loved one’s sobriety. But also, it didn’t exclude her, and I was able to be there on that day when she woke up in the morning and said “I don’t want to drink today,

Do you QTIP? Have you practiced the 3 A's? Spencer and Eric, with support from many listeners, talk about some of the acronyms (such as HALT or FEAR) and alliterations (3 C's, 4 M's) that help us to remember the important principles of the program. As Eric says, “these are like pocket change — they're easy to pick up and use.” Acronyms * FEAR – Face everything and recover * PAUSE – Please assist until serenity enters * FEAR – False evidence appearing real * LOVE – Let others voluntarily evolve * Al-anon “gifts” in From Survival to Recovery * Force vs Power, episode 249 * Eric: I can’t “love my alcoholic sober” or “hug my addict straight” * “Let go and let God” * JADE – (don’t) Justify, argue, defend, or explain * Would you rather be right or happy? (episode 276) * Courage to Change, June 6 * WAIT – Why am I talking (thinking) * Neutral responses (scroll to the bottom of episode 249) * HALT(S) * NUTS – Not Using The Steps (Slogans) * TRUST – try really using step three! * THINK is it..?: Thoughtful. Honest. Intelligent. Necessary. Kind. * One Day at a Time in Al-Anon pg. 20 * Slogans Part 1 (episode 131) * The Step 10 discussion in Paths to Recovery * HOPE: Happy. Our. Program. Exists. * One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, pg.94 * Hope, episode 65 * Do you believe? (episode 270) * DETACH: Don’t. Even. Think. About. Changing. Him/Her. * One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, pg.29 * Consequences (episode 245) * Enabling or empowering (episode 261) * Detachment (episodes 12, 188) * HOW: Honest. Open. Willing. * Willingness – Episode 216 * STEPS: Solutions. To. Every. Problem. * One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, pg.297 * In All Our Affairs (Episode 201) * QTIP: Quit. Taking. It. Personally. * One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, pg.55 * FINE * PISO: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional * Eric would write this on his hand. * GOD: Good Orderly Direction * UTT: Use the tools * ODAT: One Day at a time * ANGER = A Negative Grudge Endangers Recovery * ASK = Ask Seek Knock * CHANGE = Choosing Honesty Allows New Growth Everyday * COOL = Creative Opportunities Offer Love * EGO = Easing God Out * FAITH = Finding Answers In The Heart * FEAR = Forgetting Everything Is Alright * FEAR = Future Events Aren’t Real * FROG = Fully Relying On God * GIFTS = Getting It From The Steps * HOPE = Helping Ourselves Purge Emptiness * HOW = Honest, Open, Willing * MYOB = Mind Your Own Business * PUSH = Pray Until Something Happens Alliterations * 3 A’s – Awareness, Acceptance, Action

Have you attended an AA or Al-Anon convention? My wife and I went to the March Roundup in Detroit, so I thought I'd give you a little trip report. If you haven't been to a convention, I encourage you to find one near you and go. Not only is it fun, but a weekend of concentrated recovery can really energize your own program. Readings and Links Jenn mentioned episode 161, Dancing with Dementia, in her email. Jennifer asked about sponsorship. We've got a couple of episodes: Sponsorship (25) and Sponsorship Round Table (32), but maybe it's time to do another. The March Roundup program can be found online if you're interested. Upcoming Our topic for next week is Acronyms and Alliterattions. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your favorite acronym (QTIP?) or alliteration (4 M's?), and why. Music from the show Sia: Chandelier    

Please enjoy Mary Pearl T's thoughts on Step 7, “Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.” Upcoming Upcoming topics include “acronyms and alliterations”. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com to share your favorite Al-Anon acronym, such as QTIP (quit taking it personally), or an alliteration such as the 3 C's (didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it).  

When do you decide to trust (or not to trust) someone? How do we trust others in the program? What fears might stop us from trusting? * What is trust? * (noun) firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. * (verb) believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of. * How do we come to trust someone? * The marble jar analogy. * Brené Brown on trust: (https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) * We often think trust is built by grand gestures at crucial moments in our lives, but trust is typically built with simplicity and small actions. After looking at the research Brown said, “It’s very clear. Trust is built in very small moments.” * Charles Feltman had the “most beautiful definition of trust,” which was “Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” “Feltman says that distrust is what I’ve shared with you that is important to me is not safe with you,” * What are some of the “marbles” of trust that I found in the program? * Open, honest, vulnerable sharing * “Nodding” — “I’ve been there. I know what it feels like.” * Members being there week after week. * No judgement. * Keeping confidences. * What are some “marbles” of distrust? * Unsolicited advice. * Someone assuming they know what I feel. * Breaking confidence (rare in my experience) * Brené Brown’s acronym: BRAVING (https://www.kennethmd.com/the-anatomy-of-trust-by-brene-brown/ ) * Boundaries * Reliability * Accountability * Vault * Integrity * Non-judgement * Generosity * Tradition 12 “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.” * Anonymity is the basis of the trust that makes the program possible. Readings and Links We read from Courage to Change, April 3 We recommend the new book from Al-Anon, Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships A listener spoke of her experience in Recovering Couples Anonymous. Another listener suggest a topic of “intuition vs fear”, which reminded me of episode 61, Intuition or God's Will?  Upcoming Our topic for next week is Mary Pearl T on Step 7. Also upcoming is an episode on Acronyms and Alliterations. Acronyms like HALT, FEAR. Alliterations like the 3 A's or 4 M's. What is your favorite? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com and share your favorite (and why). Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Brené Brown, The Anatomy of Trust Etta James: Trust In Me Christina Perri: Trust  

Brian joins The Recovery Show to talk about his experience in S-Anon. What is S-Anon? It is a 12-step program, similar to Al-Anon, for those who have been affected by another person's sexual addiction. Brian introduces the S-Anon program, and talks about his personal experience of finding recovery in that program. We look at ways in which his experience parallels mine in the Al-Anon program, and how it is different. (Spoiler: it's probably more alike than different, but it takes us a while to get there.) Readings and Links Brian read “The S-Anon Problem“. If you want to know more about S-Anon, or to find a meeting, visit www.sanon.org. These books were mentioned: Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships, From Survival to Recovery, and Hope for Today. Upcoming Upcoming topics for next week include acronyms and alliterations. What's your favorite Al-Anon acronym? An alliteration that is meaningful to you? (3 C's, 4 M's?) Share what and, most importantly, why. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Brandi Carlile: Every Time I Hear That Song The Avett Brothers: Ain't No Man The Avett Brothers: True Sadness

Do you like yourself? Can you love yourself? Can you trust yourself? In a recent meeting, the topic was Step 5, “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” One member shared that she often had a hard time even liking herself, and that this was a barrier to working Step 5. If she hated herself for some of the things she had done, how could she ever admit them out loud? I definitely identified with that feeling. There are some events in my life that I felt a lot of shame about. That I did not admit in my first 5th step. One, in particular, that I didn’t admit in my second 5th step, had haunted me for over 30 years. Every time I remembered that incident, a flush of shame and self-loathing washed over me. Finally, probably after a meeting in which the reading included the saying that “we are only as sick as our secrets,” I realized I had to talk about it. I met with the person I had done that 5th step with and said “I’ve got some more.” It wasn’t easy. I had admitted it to my Higher Power and to myself, but never to another person. But it was something I felt I had to do. The amazing thing is that since that time, the memory of this event has lost its power over me! I’m still not pleased that it happened, but I don’t feel the shame that it used to impose on me. That hard admission brought me some peace and some more love and compassion for myself. Even for the 40-years-younger me that made a really poor decision (doing the best with what he had.) And then, a day later, the sermon topic was “Trust Thyself”. Oh, boy, there’s a message: loving myself and trusting myself, all in the same weekend. You know, the feelings I have that lead me to not like myself and to not trust myself are very similar. You’ve probably heard those messages from the judgey part of yourself, too: “You’re not good enough.” “You can’t do it right.” “You can’t do it at all.” “You’re always wrong.” “You’re so stupid.” “What were you thinking? I can’t believe you’d do that!” And so on, and so on. In her sermon, our minister presented the “4 Cs” of trusting yourself. Well, I’m a sucker for alliterations, so I perked right up! What are these 4 Cs? Clarity: Seeing ourselves and the world for what we (and it) really are. In the program, this is Step 4 (probably 5, 6, and 7 too.) Also, Steps 8 and 9 bring more clarity. Connection: Get out of my isolation. I know that I can’t always see myself clearly, and I need someone else to help me. In other words, go to a meeting, call a friend, get a sponsor (and use them!) And, of course, there’s the connection to a Higher Power we find in Steps 2 and 3! Compassion: This is also about getting out of myself. When I can have compassion for other people, and when I can identify with their fears and pain, but also their joys and successes, then I can start to see the same in myself. And I can start to have compassion for myself. I would never talk to someone else the way that I sometimes talk to myself. Commitment: Make a commitment to keep away from the negative self-talk, to continue to work on the first 3 Cs. Step 10 is my commitment to continuing to seek clarity. Steps 11 and 12 are commitments to connection and compassion. Yup, there’s the recovery part of the program (steps 2-12) captured in 4 Cs. How did this work in my Step 5 experience? I gained clarity by taking an inventory of the incident. What was motivating me? Which of my needs were involved? I began to understand the “exact nature of my wrongs” in this incident. In talking with my friend, I got a little more clarity as I explained what happened, but I also made connection with another person — I was not alone. That person’s loving acceptance of my sharing deepened that connection, and assured me that I was not a broken person.

What is this podcast about? We’re not Al-Anon, exactly. What are we? I got a letter from a listener who asked some questions. It made me think that maybe it's time (again?) to talk about what The Recovery Show is, and what it isn't. * Why did we create The Recovery Show? * We had been sharing Al-Anon ESH on Recovered podcast. * We wanted to bring Al-Anon message “full time”. * What is our intent? * Share our and others’ experiences in recovery. * Illustrate how Al-Anon recovery works in *our* lives. * Explore recovery concepts. * Explain the Al-Anon program. * Some questions and observations from the email: * “do you ever worry that your seemingly more “relaxed” discussions might lead to confusion among the listeners and to inadvertent undermining of normal operations of meetings?” * “Service and “The Rules” is not a ratings winner, but maybe there is some way to explore it that gives it the proper context and proportion.” * “when I encountered The Recovery Show I was struck by the ways it more closely tracked the familiar 12-Step meeting format, but also the ways in which it appeared to depart from that model.” * “my program-monitor-radar-alarm went off, particularly about what I perceived as cross-talk.” * “The Recovery Show is decidedly NOT holding itself out as an Al-Anon Family Group” * What we do here is very much like the conversations we might have when we go out for coffee after a meeting, or when meeting with a sponsor, or (in my case) in at least one of the AWOL groups I have been a part of. * I have attended a few “cross talk” meetings in my time in the program, and what we do here is similar to the best of those. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Calexico: Gift X-Change Paul Kelly: To Her Door  

The son of “Doctor Bob”, Bob S., Jr., in a talk from an Al-Anon conference in 2003. A listener wrote about coincidences and recommended episode 489 of This American Life, “No Coincidence, No Story!” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Michael Kiwanuka: Rule the World Soul Asylum: Runaway Train Pops Staples: Somebody was Watching  

* What is your first thought when you hear this question? * Do you believe that “right” is “truth” and that there is only one possible “right answer” (way to do something, opinion about a topic, etc.)? * Do you have “black and white” thinking? * Why? * What would it take to see the world in shades of gray (or colors)?  Red is no more “right” than blue, for example. * What does the word “happy” mean in this context? * When has holding onto a position hurt more than letting go would have hurt? * Is Right and Happy possible?  Sometimes. But in dealing with difficult people, sometimes, it’s just not worth the fight, conflict, escalation… * A lotta references to “conflict” and controversy are relevant in readings, and traditions, as well as arguments. * Can you “Live and Let Live” even if you are “right”? * Have you come to learn that most times, “urgent things are seldom Important, and Important things are seldom urgent”? (calling 911 for a paper cut…) * Slogans * How Important is it? * This Too Shall Pass * Is It Worth My Serenity? * Perspective episode also comes to mind, and First Things First… And Force vs Power * Sayings; * QTIP * Don’t * Take the bait * Pick up the rope * Be a willing participant in a toxic dance * “I don’t need to win anything today…” Readings and Links We opened with a reading from Courage to Change, October 29. We also mentioned the June 3 reading. We read from How Al-Anon Works on dealing with conflict (p. 98 in the soft cover edition), and Eric read about acceptance from …In All Our Affairs, p. 96. We were inspired by a Psychology Today article Right vs. Happy. And Eric ended with a quote from Chief Joseph. Coming next Our topic for next week is new topic. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show John Mayer: Heartbreak Warfare Billy Joel: You May be Right Pharell Williams: Happy