The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

What does it mean to “Surrender to Win”? Have you had this experience? Barb and Spencer dig into these questions. * How does this topic of “surrender to win” speak to you?* A definition of surrender is “to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another”* What have you given up completely? * What have you forgone?* A definition of surrender that I have heard in recovery is “to join the winning side.” How does this change your concept of surrender?* What are some things I might (have) surrender(ed) in recovery* The illusion of control over alcoholism* My will (Step 3)* Always doing things “my way”* Forcing solutions* Trying to control outcomes * The idea that I can recover alone * “self-sufficient hell”* The wish to change the past — what happened in family growing up.* Perfection * What do I surrender to?* This program of recovery.* The care of my higher power.* God’s will. * How has surrender given me “the win”? Readings and Links We read from Adult Children of Alcoholics, the “Big Red Book,” p. 120 Hope for Today, April 7, p. 98 How Al-Anon Works, p. 46-47 From Survival to Recovery, p. 267 We mentioned the episode on perfection, procrastination and paralysis, number 219. Playlists for many of The Recovery Show episodes can be found on Spotify. Upcoming topics Are you a member of 2 or more programs? How do your programs complement each other? How are they different? How do you keep them separate? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Music from the Show John Moreland – Latchkey Kid The Avett Brothers – Tell The Truth The Avett Brothers – True Sadness Spotify Playlist for Surrender to Win

Sharing experience, strength, and hope in your voices. * Thoughts on apologies and amends.* A mother wants to help her adult son who drinks too much.* A survivor muses on the possible benefits of trauma.* What is this detachment thing, anyway?* Learning to talk, trust, and feel when the family “training” was “don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.”* Thoughts and experience inspired by episode 318, A Walk in the Woods on a Snowy Day — the healing force of nature, how our higher power speaks to us, and the power of memory.* Recovery from anger and loss.* Compassion – finding it.* Loved one in rehab / coming home from rehab. How to deal?* Sharing on changes, Steps 10 and 11, and “First things first.”* 3 acronyms for FEAR. Readings and Links Listener shares brought up so many past episodes: * Parents Roundtable – 22* Compassion – 33* Step 9, Amends – 40* Chaos – 45* Changes – 47* Step 10 – 48* Step 11 – 50* First things First – 51* Relapse – 59* Detachment – 64* Living with Alcoholism or Addiction – 70* Powerlessness and Power – 160* My Codependency, My Body – 204* Mary Pearl T on Step 1 – 259* Marc and Michele’s son is in prison – 287* Jennifer – Free from Obsession – 302* Being Heard – 313 Upcoming topics Our topic for next week is “surrender”. What does surrender mean to you? How has surrendering given you power? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show blink-182 – Not Now

Saturday morning, I awoke to fresh snow. I had a fairly hectic and noisy time going to the gym, getting ready for the day, etc. Then I stepped out into a lovely, hushed silence. I decided I needed more of that, and later went to a nature area for a walk in the woods. I share a brief reflection on what I found there. Upcoming topics An upcoming topic is “dual program members.” If you are in a program other than Al-Anon (plus Al-Anon), I'd love to hear your experience. How do the programs complement each other? How are they different? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Today, I’m sharing with you a talk by Peggy G. I hope you’ll enjoy Peggy’s sense of humor as much as I did. Peggy talks about feeling rejected as a child and about getting married early after “finding love in the back seat of a Ford.” She felt she had a “hole in her gut” and tried many things to fill it (booze didn’t do the trick for her.) She speaks of, for the first time, being desperate enough to make “a sincere prayer to the God I didn’t understand.” Eventually, she found her second husband, “Mr. Wonderful”. Of course, he was an alcoholic. I’m sure some of you will identify with each of the things she did to try to get him to stop drinking. And when she felt “I wish [he’d] just get, just get dead somewhere without hurting anybody else.” You may be right there with her when she hit her bottom after an emotional blackout.  But of course, that’s not the end of her story, it’s the beginning of the rest of it. I had tears in my eyes when she described finding compassion for her daddy and making amends to him as he lay in his coffin. Readings and Links On February 14 and 15, 2020, from 8AM – Midnight EST, there will be a “Marathon of Recovery Stories”. I have included an image of the flyer below. Here is the contact information from the flyer: Dial-in number in the US: (425)436-6200, access code 280194# International dial in numbers can be found at https://fccdl.in/i/meganbbsolution9 Join the meeting online at http://join.freeconferencecall.com/meganbbsolution9 If you have questions, email megan.bbsolution@gmail.com A listener asked about our business cards. You can print these out and share them with your friends. And if you forget how to find them, you can just click on the link under “Our Stuff”, to the right (if you're on a computer) or below (if you're on a phone.) Upcoming topics ‘m still welcoming shares by “dual program members”. If you are in another twelve step program, please share your experience. How do the programs support each other or conflict? How do you (or don't you) share that part of your life in Al-Anon meetings?  Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Men are a minority in Al-Anon. Is this a problem? An asset? What is your experience? Join Spencer and several guests, both men and women, as we share our experience. Some of the topics we address are these: * What is your experience as a man in Al-Anon? * What difficulties and challenges have you experienced?* Did you feel you didn’t belong?* Or do you feel perfectly comfortable and accepted?* Were you able to find a sponsor?* What boundaries have you set for yourself with members of the “opposite sex?” (Recognizing that not all people fit comfortably into the gender binary.)* Does the presence of men in a meeting inhibit you from sharing or does it enhance your experience? Readings and Links A listener asked about the experience of atheists in Al-Anon. I remembered listening to an interview on the Sober Speak podcast with an AA member who leads an Atheist AA meeting. Upcoming topics I'm still welcoming shares by “dual program members”. If you are in another twelve step program, please share your experience. How do the programs support each other or conflict? How do you (or don't you) share that part of your life in Al-Anon meetings? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Indigo Girls – Closer to Fine Trixie Mattel – Moving Parts

The only requirement for membership in Al-Anon is that there is a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. How many other groups are so inclusive? How does this help you? How is this a challenge for you? Today is MLK day, the celebration of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday. Perhaps naturally, my thoughts turned to the ideas of inclusion, diversity, and belonging. And from there, to how inclusive the Al-Anon program is. Our third tradition says, in part, “The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.” * What did this mean for me when I first came to Al-Anon?* How have I seen this tradition work for others when they first come to Al-Anon?* How does the diversity of experience and opinion support my recovery?* Can I recognize our similarities instead of focusing on our differences?* How do I know that I belong in my Al-Anon groups? Readings and Links We read from Courage to Change, July 4, and How Al-Anon Works, Chapters 16 & 44. A listener shared her recovery Spotify playlist. Upcoming topics Our topic for next week is “in all our affairs”. How do you use your recovery tools and principles in your daily life? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Jess Glynne – I'll Be There Pat Benatar – We Belong Steve Winwood – Higher Love

What is integrity and what does it have to do with recovery? * Definitions* the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness* the state of being whole and undivided* “the root of integrity is about doing the right thing even when it’s not acknowledged by others, or convenient for you.” (Psychology Today article)* “In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions.” (Wikipedia)* In episode 101, I said that for me, having integrity means that “I act in all things according to my true self. I state my beliefs honestly and openly.” Recently, I was thinking about this topic, and also about how I have not lived with integrity. And then, I thought about how practicing the 12 steps has brought me closer to living with integrity in all my affairs. What are some of the ways in which I did not practice integrity? * Denial vs acceptance. When I deny the truth of reality, I am not being honest with myself, no matter how much more comfortable that denial might make me.* Pretending to be someone I am not, to believe something I don’t, to not have an opinion that I have. Typically I would do this because I thought if I was honest about my thoughts and beliefs, you wouldn’t like me or I would offend you.* Volunteering to do something that I didn’t want to do. And then doing a bad job at it. How did recovery help me live with more integrity? * Breaking denial, especially about the alcoholism in my family.* Teaching me how to accept with grace, and that acceptance does not mean condoning.* That “searching and fearless moral inventory” brought me greater clarity about who I am, how I act, and what I believe.* I can ask a power greater than myself for help in changing!* Teaching me to set boundaries, so I only “sign up” for the things I can actually accomplish. Readings and Links We read from Courage to Change, December 10 How Al-Anon Works, Chapter 16 Twelve Traditions, Tradition 12 Upcoming topics We are interested in your sharing on two topics * Being a man in Al-Anon.* Being a dual member (also known as “double winner.”) Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Is your voice heard, even when others disagree? Why is it important that everyone has an opportunity to be heard? How do you practice listening in your life? Meetings? Family? Work? Concept 5 states “The rights of appeal and petition protect minorities and insure that they be heard.” Spencer and Eric share how this concept can be applied in our lives, as well as in our meetings. * Definitions.* “Listening intently is the ultimate form of love.”* Listen – give one’s attention to a sound; take notice of; act on what someone says; pay attention; take heed; take notice; be alert and ready to hear something.* Speaking out or up – express one’s feelings and opinions frankly and publicly* People in the rooms can take a long time to speak up, to feel safe to speak* It’s ok to have an opinion, even when it differs from others’* Two largest fears: 1. Public speaking. 2. Death (is second!)* Aspects of practicing Concept 5:* Balance* Listening* “Do we grant other people the time to say what they need to day, to clarify their thoughts, even to say things we don’t like to hear?” (HAW Chapter 14)* Respect* Open minded* Trust* A right to have a say* Speaking up* Saying what I feel* Letting go of my certainty that I am right!* My opinion does matter, but it is mine alone.* Am I speaking my opinion or trying to control others? “If we keep saying the same thing again and again, instead of saying it once and letting it go, we are probably attempting to control.” (How Al-Anon Works, Concept 5)* How do we use this concept in our group conscience meetings?* Slogans:* Listen and Learn* Keep an Open Mind* Think* “You may be right” (it *should* be a slogan!)* WAIT – “Why am I talking?” – pause!* The orange story – fully understanding each others’ needs can lead to a better solution.* Topics from Reaching for Personal Freedom* I have a voice* Finding the courage to speak* Learning to speak honestly* Seeing from a different angle* Understanding another point of view* The right to be heard Readings and Links We read from Reaching for Personal Freedom Upcoming topics We are interested in your sharing on two topics * Being a man in Al-Anon.* Being a dual member (also known as “double winner.”) How do you use your recovery tools and principles in your daily life? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show John Mayer – Say Sarah McLachlan – Find Your Voice Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb

I'm pleased to share this recording of Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, speaking at the AA International Convention in Long Beach, CA, in 1960. The recording includes brief remarks by Lois Wilson, co-founder of Al-Anon; Ebby T, who introduced Bill to the Oxford groups; and Sister Ignatia, an early supporter of AA, who cared for thousands of alcoholics in Akron, Ohio. He is followed by Mort J, who established the first public AA meeting in Los Angeles. I have tried to clean up the recording as best I can, but it is still difficult to follow in spots. The event must have been outside, because you will hear an occasional airplane flying over. Links and resources A listener mentioned looking for an ACA phone meeting, which can be found on the ACA website. Upcoming topics Next week, Eric and I will be discussing Concept 5, “The rights of appeal and petition protect minorities and insure that they be heard.” Eric recently participated in a meeting studying this concept and was inspired by the depth of sharing. What might this concept mean in your daily living? In your interaction with others? In your family or work? We are also interested in your sharing on two topics * Being a man in Al-Anon. * Being a “double winner.” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

What’s in your holiday toolkit? Do you dread spending holidays with family? What tools have you found to make the experience tolerable or even joyful? * (Realistic) expectations.* Recognize when you are feeling stressed (HALTS?)* Escape plans.* Literature.* Locate and plan to attend meetings if you will be out of your usual area.* Phone list.* Arrange with sponsor or friends to call them.* Don’t stay with your family — have a refuge you can go back to.* Sit at the kids table.* Don’t engage in arguments. (WAIT — Why am I talking?)* (No) expectations.* Keep your recovery routines, such as prayer and meditation. Readings and Links Al-Anon e-books can are available. Visit the Al-Anon store for details. A caller described several resources for visually impaired or blind people. These are * BARD, a free app available from the Library of Congress .* Voice Dream Reader, $20, downloads and reads websites.* iPhone has a service called “voice over” that can read books purchased for iBooks.* BookShare is a subscription service that has many audio books.* And, of course, there is the Audible audio books subscription service. Upcoming topics A couple of topics suggested by listeners are “Men in Al-Anon”, and “Double winnersPlease call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show The Ramones – We're a Happy Family Joan Baez and Jeffrey Shurtleff – One Day at a Time (Live at Woodstock) Bing Crosby – I'll Be Home For Christmas

This episode is created by your voices, both written and recorded. * Sam asks why some members shy away from service, while she finds it a vital part of her recovery.* Penelope and Jessica found value in Episode 308, Program Tools.* Natalie asks for some experience, strength, and hope, living with active alcoholism while maintaining a healthy relationship. Ann has similar questions, including how to keep the children safe, and what does detaching with love look like?* Sarah talks about the slogan “little by slow,” which I was not familiar with, and how it reminds her that recovery takes time.* A listener asked about the missing download link, which I have restored. It now looks like a little cloud with a downward pointing arrow.* Amy asks about Al-Anon e-books. There are 5 books currently available, and I hope that Al-Anon will add more. They are available via the Al-Anon website store.* How Al-Anon Works* Courage to Change* Having had a Spiritual Awakening* The Forum (monthly magazine)* Alateen—Hope for Children of Alcoholics* Free versions of the AA Big Book are available for Apple and Android.* Christa reminds us that “This too shall pass” also applies to the good things, which encourages her to enjoy every moment.* Alina shares her experience using the Serenity Prayer in daily life. My thanks to all of you for helping me to create this episode. Upcoming topics A listener suggested the topic “Men in Al-Anon”. I'd particularly like to hear your experience as a man in Al-Anon recovery. I am also preparing an episode tentatively titled “Holiday Toolkit”, and I'm looking to you to contribute the tools that you use to survive, or ideally, enjoy the holidays. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Every year around Thanksgiving, I give special attention to the things that I am grateful for. This is my list for 2019. This year I created an “A to Z” gratitude list. Most of these are gifts I got from this program of recovery. * A – Acceptance* B – Boundaries* C – Courage* D – Dogs* E – Empathy* F – Friends* G – God (and gratitude)* H – Health* I – It works (if I work it)* J – Joy* K – Kindness* L – Life, laughter, and love* M – Mindfulness* N – Necessity* O – Openness* P – Perspective* Q – Questions* R – Readiness* S – Serenity and the Steps* T – Trust* U – Understanding* V – Vulnerability* W – Wisdom* X – eXcitement* Y – Youth* Z – Zest (for life) To hear why and how I am grateful for each of these, you need to listen to the episode.

The Al-Anon program provides so many tools. There are slogans and steps, and new ways of approaching life’s troubles. Which ones do you use comfortably? Are there any you wish you had used, but didn’t remember to pick them up? Marylou, Pat, and Kelly join me to talk about their favorite tools of the program, and how they have used those tools to enhance their recovery. Our conversation was guided by these questions: * Discussion points * What tool of the Al-Anon program is helpful to you today?* How is it helpful?* How do you use it?* What tools have you used? * In what situation?* In response to what problem?* How did they help in that situation?* Do you have tools that you use with ease?* What are they?* How did you pack them in your toolkit?* What tools do you wish you could remember to use, but they aren’t yet familiar or comfortable for you? * How might you remind yourself that they are available, so you might be able to use them next time you need them? In our conversation, these tools were mentioned and discussed: * * Daily readers – One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, Courage to Change, Hope for Today.* Slogans – “pocket change”, “live and let live”, “let go and let god”* Meditation* Can i stay “in the room” at least ½ the time?* Do I feel better when i finish?* Just checking in with myself — getting into the moment* Sitting with feelings* Meetings* Fellowship* Literature in general* Serenity Prayer – internal pause to connect with my Higher Power* “Just for Tonight” bookmark* Calling people* “This is what I want, this is what I need, this is what I feel, this is what I’ll do.”* Pause — is a tool for finding the right tool* Asking, “what is the percent likelihood of serenity if I do this thing?”* Meditation apps on phone* Insight Timer* Sounds True — Mindfulness Daily meditation training, also available for Android and iPhone. * “Help, thanks, wow” prayer concept* R.A.I.N  — recognize, accept, investigate, nurture (a tool from Tara Brock)* My sponsor! Readings and Links We read from Courage to Change, January 4. Upcoming topics I'd like to do another “holiday toolkit” episode, and for this, I need your help. What program tools help you to survive the holidays with (or without) your family? What mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical preparations do you make? What do you bring with you? Do you go to extra meetings? What readings help you to do more than just survive, but enjoy the holidays? It's almost Thanksgiving. What are you grateful for today? This year? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Today, I am pleased to share with you a talk by Aaron J, speaking in 2012.  I identified with his certainty that it was his “job” in life to take care of everyone around him. I share his frustration when those same people didn’t do what he knew was best for them. He got in deep much more quickly than I did, but that may be more about opportunity than inclination. Readings and Links A listener wrote about the help she had gained from the book BALM: The Loving Path to Family Recovery by Beverly Buncher. She said, “It’s an extension of Al-Anon but it adds elements of love that isn’t just tough love.” She also told us that the author is interviewed in 4 episodes of the podcast Codependency No More, starting with episode 50. Join our conversation A listener asked for another “round table” episode with parents of teens. Is this you? You can share your voice. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Karen shared her story in episode 262, Third Time is the Charm. Things have changed since then, and we start by catching up on recent events. Then we move into a discussion about how she (and I) use Traditions 1 and 2 in our lives. The traditions are: Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern. Our conversation is guided by these questions. What does “common welfare” mean to you in your daily life? How do you place it first? How does unity enable and enhance your personal progress? … the progress of others in your life? Tradition two speaks of the authority of a higher power. What does this mean for you? Do you use a “group conscience” in your living? How? What does this mean for you in your family? … at work? … in other groups (friends, associations, church)? In what ways might you consider yourself a “trusted servant”? How does the concept of “trusted servant” change the way you relate to others? (in the family, at work, etc.) Readings and Links Karen read from Courage to Change, page 108 (April 17) and from How Al-Anon Works, page 108. Add your voice Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Dizzy: Swim lovelytheband: broken Twisted Sister: We're Not Gonna Take It