The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

Al Anon Courage to Change: “We all have dark times in our lives, but the journey to better times is often what makes us happier, stronger people. When we stop expecting instant relief, we may come to believe that where we are today is exactly where our higher power would  have us be.” Lea's world fell apart one day, when her husband was diagnosed, in the Emergency Department, of liver failure from his drinking. She didn't even know that he was drinking that heavily, and had thought he might be having a stroke. She writes: I knew then that I had to intervene to get him into treatment because it was life or death. I started therapy and Al-Anon and read numerous books and realized that I had to focus on my own recovery and let him walk his path. I realized that I needed to change the way I lived my life too as this is a lifelong disease. If my husband had diabetes or any other lifelong disease I would support him. I gave away my wine fridge, threw away all of our wine glasses, and chose sobriety. But I had to work on my co-dependency issues and also recognized that I had to learn healthy coping mechanisms and start living my life for me. She wrote a book about her experience, and about the path to recovery in her marriage. I always enjoyed writing and that helped me “sit with my feelings” when I would write about them. The book came about because I felt so hurt and alone and there wasn’t a book that spoke to me. Writing helped me to heal and I thought maybe someone else would want to hear my story to not feel so alone.  Readings and Links Lea's book, Fireflies: Finding Light on a Journey Through Addiction, is available from Amazon through this sponsored link. We have added a page with “neutral responses” at https://therecovery.show/responses Upcoming topics Lea suggested a topic of humor in recovery. How has recovery made it easier to laugh about the events and missteps along the way? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Bon Iver – Bruised Orange (John Prine cover) Cage The Elephant – Trouble Cage The Elephant – Love's The Only Way

Our suggested opening tells us that “we can find contentment, and even happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.” How does this happen? How can we deal with the “isms” of the disease in a way that is healthy for ourselves? Nancy joins Spencer to share how this has been true in her life. Nancy came to “the rooms” when her son was in trouble with alcohol and drugs as a teen. At that age, she and her husband were able to make him go to treatment. Fast forward about 30 years, during which he lived a sober life. Until he started struggling with depression and mental health issues, and eventually relapsed. Nancy is grateful that she kept up her program in Al-Anon. Along with the support of a loving God, it helps her to maintain a relationship with her son, even when he pushes her away. She knows that she is doing, and has done the best she can to support him, without enabling, without “fixing”. Readings and Links Nancy read from Courage to Change, p. 124, May 3. The reading she closed with, by Mitra Rahbar, is from Maria Shriver's The Sunday Paper, specifically in this edition. You can also read it in Mitra Rahbar's Facebook post. Marylou shared a podcast episode with us, that touches on the importance of fellowship. The podcast is How to Human, the episode is a conversation with Kate Bowler, titled Chronic Uncertainty. Upcoming topics An upcoming topic is “Letting go”. How do you “LET GO”?   What is it we want to Let Go of?  Resentment? Blame? Worry? Fear? Control? All of them? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Rascal Flatts – My Wish Cyndi Lauper – True Colors I Loved Him First – Joyce MacPhee

A listener sent me a deeply moving and personal share about her life with her husband. She recorded the share shortly before attending his memorial service, after his death from the disease of alcoholism. She tells us of how he hid his drinking from her, and how it was not until he was nearly dead of the disease that she suspected the truth. She also shares her deep love for him and how much she enjoyed his company and their time together. In the end, she is at peace with both his life and his death. I am grateful to her for sharing this with us.

I recently received an email from a person who is in early recovery. He is struggling with getting really into the program, and listed these issues he has.  * Almost everybody member of my home group has years of recovery on me.* It seems that everybody has taken the steps at least one time, and I am still in step 2.* People talk about their higher power as if it is so obvious that everybody has one. It seems easy to know what a higher power is.* The fellowship seems a happy place where every member wants to be around. Where i feel no need except for our meeting and the contacts with my sponsor.* The same goes for doing service. I Hear daily that this is the only way to stay sober. But I don't want to do service work.* As a newcomer I sometimes feel overwhelmed. But when other newcomers join our meeting I don't know what to do.* I find it difficult to see where I came from.* I often miss the more practical side “ what will help (now)”. I have a great home group. And I know the things I have written probably tell a lot about myself and my own resentments. But these are my thoughts about the topic. I asked the email list: Have you had similar feelings and experiences? What were the stumbling blocks for you? How did you respond? How did you “deal”? How were you able to “Come all the way in, sit all the way down, and stay”? This episode has your responses. Upcoming Our next topic for next week is “Recovery whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not”. Our suggested opening tells us that “we can find contentment, and even happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.” How does this happen? How can we deal with the “isms” of the disease in a way that is healthy for ourselves? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Is your recovery dependent on someone else’s? How does this hurt? Ester's partner decided to stop attending AA. How did she react? How did she use this to strengthen her own recovery? She paused (and let her HP in). She let him speak and did not say anything that would harm. The next challenge: he said “do you want to know more about this decision?” She felt that this was “like an alcoholic having a beer poured right in front of him.” YES! She wanted to know more, but she recognized that would not be best for her and said so. It was important to talk to her sponsor and other friends in the program. Both to “unload” and to hear support for her actions. She completed Steps 4 & 5, which meant “I could see what underlying fears were at the root of my bodily reaction.” This all enabled her to “Understand at an embodied level for first time since entering the rooms that my recovery is not conditional on yours. (And my bodily reaction told me that I had not yet got there even though I knew this to be true intellectually.)” Now that this particular news is (mostly) overcome and she has Let it Begin With Me and Let Go Let God, is everything perfect? (What do you think?) These reminders and triggers will come up, and her own reactions can still be trauma responses. But, what has changed? Before recovery: * taking it personally* accusing* irritated Since entering recovery: * Contact my sponsor * Contact friends in the fellowship whose recovery I admire and who I know will be there for me in a non-judgemental way* Depending on where I am in Step work, do some writing on it* Read today’s reading/s in daily readers, or topic readings based on what I feel I need a reminder of.* Keep up my Step work, but only when I have the mental/emotional/physical capacity. Not purely obligatory or to please Sponsor. Step work is for me. Recovery is for me.* Let it Begin With Me Readings and Links We read from Courage to Change, p. 109 (April 18) and p. 337 (Dec 2). Talk to us Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Big Thief – Paul Sara Bareilles – King Of Anything Joan Jett & The Blackhearts – I Hate Myself for Loving You

In November, I asked the members of the email list, “what are you grateful for today?” These are your responses. I had hoped to get them out shortly after the US Thanksgiving holiday, but as life happened, that didn’t happen. Maybe this is a reminder that we can practice gratitude every day. I said this in my email (with a small edit for circumstances since then.) For those of us in the US, our Thanksgiving holiday is just a few days away. Although it is important to me to express gratitude every day, I still give it particular emphasis around this time. What am I thankful for right now? I am thankful that nobody in my family has yet been affected by COVID. … that I was able to visit with a son and his new wife, who we had not met before. And that we were able to enjoy the things we have in common and not dwell on the things that divide us. … that my father and mother died peacefully and at home. … that I have been able to connect with all of you during this time of isolation. And, of course, I am grateful for everyone who sent in a share in response to that email, and which are shared in this episode. What are you thankful for today?

How do you embrace risk in your life today? How has this changed in recovery? Why can risk-taking be healthy? Spencer and SA explore these questions and others. “A ship in the harbor is safe—but that’s not what ships are for.” John A. Shedd Social psychology research tells us that at the end of their life, more people regret the risks they never took than the ones they did- even if it didn’t work out as they had hoped.  Today we explore the inherent role of positive, healthy risk-taking in recovery and ask: (SA note to Spencer-just ideas.  See if any resonate) * What does the program teach us about risk taking? * Can healthy risk-taking lead to a fuller, happier life even when it requires venturing from the safety of the shore? * How can risk-taking propel us forward in our personal growth? In our recovery? And in all of our affairs-i.e.-every facet of our lives? (SA note to Spencer-now that I have had a chance to marinate, I think this question may be redundant and covered on question 2. Your thoughts?) * Why do we find taking risks so challenging? * Is it easier to take risks in one area of our lives while we hesitate in another? * If so, can that inform the areas where we may consciously choose to incorporate more small, healthy risks in order to grow?* Can taking healthy risks serve as a role model for loved ones in our lives? During a global pandemic, risk taking may seem a strange topic to undertake. Aren’t we all taking risks every day just to survive? Program note-the risk taking we are discussing today is not negative, dangerous, or risky behavior, but more those behaviors that take us to the edge of or dangling precariously from our comfort zone psychologically and emotionally. They are actions that remind us that while we may prefer to live our lives as though we are made of glass-fragile and breakable, we are, in fact, made of steel-strong and tough.  Positive Risk Taking Defined: actions where the outcome is uncertain and 1) benefits the individual's well-being (a person may gain something) 2) its potential costs are mild in severity (there is no threat to health or safety) and 3) it is socially acceptable (Duell and Steinberg 2019).  Risk Taking Synonyms: valor, adventurousness, courage, brave deed, daring action.Risk Taking Antonyms: cowardice, meekness, timidity. (The reason I added this is because I think it highlights the basic underlying premise of taking risks-none of us wants an MO of cowardice or timidity so it’s pretty much, take risks or perish. The antonyms are much more instructive for our purposes than the synonyms so if we are short on time, the synonyms can be cut). * The risks of: going to your first meeting, speaking in a meeting for the first time, rigorous honesty, getting a sponsor, completing a fourth step inventory, admitting to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs (huge risk taking requiring such courage), etc.* How do taking these risks pay benefits in other areas of our life?* Is living with failure if things don’t work out as we hoped easier than living with regret that we never took the chance?* Once we really embrace our own recovery, why is it no longer safer to avoid risk?* What do we gain by staying in the safety of our box or by running away?* What do we miss out on?* What do we stand to gain by seeing life and our actions taking risks as an adventure?* What barriers or challenges to taking risks are there? A few include fear (our old friend again), perfectionism, procrastination, paralysis, disappointment, rejection, pain, avoidance, self-doubt, overthinking, etc. This could be a very lengthy but informative discussion.* Overthinking can be a huge barrier to taking a risk.

My mother breathed her last on this day. I reflect on her life, what she meant to me, and what seeds she planted in me.

Are you a teacher? How has recovery changed the way you teach? What recovery tools do you use in the classroom? Rajni joins Spencer to share her experience as a teacher, both before and after entering recovery. Our conversation started with a bit of Rajni's story. Characteristics that she identified in herself, pre-recovery, included these: * Overdeveloped sense of responsibility – overcommitted * Hyper-vigilance* Perfectionism * Sarcasm* A lack of boundaries, obsessive thinking* Abandoning herself  by taking on students’ problems Some recovery tools that she is now using include these: * Appropriate boundaries.* The “wisdom to know the difference” Some slogans she uses on a regular basis are: * QTIP (Quit taking it personally)* Serenity Prayer (ACA Version)* I don’t have to react to everything * HALT (am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?)* Hands off pays off – is it mine?* Easy Does It* 3 C’s & M’s* I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t change it* Mothering, martyrdom, managing Readings and Links Rajni read from Courage to Change, January 12. Al-Anon is looking for contributions for a new daily reader on the Steps, Traditions and Concepts. An email from Gina referred to the summary of the 2014 World Service Conference, particularly the section on how to initiate change in the Al-Anon legacies, starting in the third paragraph on p. 36. Upcoming topics An upcoming topic is “gratitude”. What are you grateful for this year? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Indigo Girls – Closer to Fine Ingrid Michaelson – Be OK Soul Asylum – Runaway Train

BHow have you treated yourself meanly or roughly? How have you learned to be gentle with yourself? Anna joins Spencer to talk about why being gentle with herself is so important in her recovery, and how an experience at Christmas revealed this to her and produced a spiritual awakening. Our conversation is guided by these concepts. * how I learned to love myself through the fellowship (“my fellows loved me until I could love myself”)* how I use the St. Francis Prayer as a tool for gentleness with myself* this topic is also touching base with the idea of “self parenting” for me* how “gentleness with myself” is really my step zero. (every other step works so much better if I go to step zero first!) Readings and Links Anna read from the Just for Tonight bookmark. She also recited the “Saint Francis Prayer”, which is included on the Just for Today bookmark. Feedback Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Alanis Morissette – Everything Servant of Peace · Snatam Kaur The Mamas – Touch the sky

Lisa grew up in alcoholism, addiction and abuse. She is finding healing through writing a novel. Content warning: Lisa talks about some of the abuse she survived as a child. Here are some of the questions that guided our conversation. * Please tell us your story.* What inspired you to write?* How are your experiences reflected in your protagonist?* What did you learn about yourself while writing it?* How has writing helped you to heal?* What is your wish for someone reading your book? For that last question, Lisa has different goals for 3 different groups of readers. She says, From How Al-Anon Works an excerpt from Chapter 28 about perfectionismFor those in recovery, I hope it’s a story they could relate to.For those who don’t realize they are living in an emotionally abusive home at the hand of alcoholism, maybe some of Carla’s experience will resonate with them and that this behavior is damaging and not okay and perhaps they will reach out to Ala-Teen or Al-anon to learn they didn’t cause, can’t cure, and can’t control, which is fancy recovery talk for, it’s not your fault!And finally, for those not in recovery, to understand that an alcoholic doesn’t have to be a slurring derelict on the street or Miss Hanigan in Annie. Alcoholism is a sneaky and progressive family disease that affects every person in the house Readings and Links Lisa read from How Al-Anon Works an excerpt from Chapter 28 about perfectionism. Lisa's book Slanted and Disenchanted is available from many places including Amazon. (I do receive a small commission if you purchase through Amazon.) Talk to us Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show The Killers – All These Things That I've Done Modest Mouse – Float On Sufjan Stevens – (This is) The Thing And a bonus: the song that introduced Lisa to punk. Bikini Kill – Feels Blind

We say that alcoholism is a disease of relationships. What do we mean by this? How are our relationships damaged and how can we recover from that damage? Spencer and Megan used these questions to guide our conversation. * How has alcoholism affected your self-esteem? What were the results?* Share your experience of forming and sustaining close relationships before and during time in the program.* What about relationships we didn’t choose: family of origin/children. * How have those relationships evolved?* Relationships we did choose: dating, friends, jobs?* How have you Isolated?* How have you chosen healthier relationships using Al-Anon tools?* What did/does becoming responsible for yourself look like? Readings and Links We read from Paths to Recovery, pp 8-9 and The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage pg. 65. Becky told us about her son's blog/podcast Sober Steve Recovery. Ashley recommended a meditation by Sarah Blondin called Your Seed of Softness. She also told us that this meditation and others are available in the Insight Timer meditation app. Nancy asked about the “Letter from God” that she heard about in an earlier episode. This is available on the Al-Anon blog. Upcoming topics A couple of upcoming topics: being gentle with yourself; and using recovery tools as a teacher. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show First Aid Kit – My Silver Lining

How is it possible for our pain to become our gain? Andrea’s story illuminates this transformation. Andrea from Adult Child Podcast joins us to talk about how her greatest pain became her greatest gain. When Andrea was several years sober, she realized that recovery had not magically fixed all her problems. She tells us about “the two Brians” — “Two guys that I dated named Brian that were the catalyst to my adult child healing journey. I dated Brian number one at seven years sober. And it was through that relationship that I realized that my dating issues were related to my childhood.” Only a few weeks later, a woman at a 12-step meeting shared a similar experience and mentioned the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families book. Andrea went home, downloaded it, and devoured it. She says, “I related to it even more than I did in any other recovery literature that I'd ever read. It was like, I was finally reading, all of my thoughts and feelings … written down on paper.” The next time she saw the woman, she went up to her, “and I say that how her share head impacted me and how I had downloaded that book that she had mentioned that I had read it. And I told her a little bit about Brian number one, and these a hot moments that I had had, and she looks at me and she goes, that's wonderful, but I want to let you know that this is going to take years for you to work through. … And I remember looking at her and thinking, years? Years!?” So she starts working in ACA, and then “Brian number two comes along … what I will tell you is that I hadn't changed a damn bit and the next six months of my life were the most painful times of my life. … I realized that, what I was dealing with was a lot more powerful than what I had assumed and that that lady had been right. That I did have to treat this just as seriously as my alcoholism. That's what I did.” What is the rest of the story? How did all this pain become her greatest gain? And why did she decide to make a podcast about the Adult Child experience? Listen for all the details. Readings and Links There were several books and other resources that were mentioned and read from in this episode. I captured a few of them, below. First, I have to link to Andrea's podcast Adult Child, where you can hear the full story of the 2 Brians in Episode 1. The opening reading is from Your Divine Lens: The Secret to Finding Purpose, Healing Grief and Living in Alignment with your Soul (pp. 119-120). Sue Frederick. Andrea also read from Emotional Sobriety: from relationship trauma to resilience and Balance by Tian Dayton (and enthusiastically recommended anything by this author.) She suggests that anyone who might possibly think they qualify for ACA read The Laundry List. Upcoming topics An upcoming topic is about recovery through writing. Do you use writing as a recovery tool? How does it enhance your program? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

What does a lack of honesty with ourselves and others look like? What does the program teach us about the importance of honesty to our recovery? Ester and Spencer share their experience, strength, and hope on the topic of honesty, roughly following this outline. * Honesty before recovery – or was there?* How were we dishonest with ourselves and others?* What did we learn from our family of origin?* Honesty in recovery?* How was it modeled in meetings?* Learning to be honest with ourselves through sponsorship and the steps.* Still learning and growing.* The slippery slope of lying by omission.* How to be honest without breaking another's anonymity? Readings and Links Ester read from Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships, pp. 47 and 49. Spencer mentioned the Step 4 chapter in Paths to Recovery, where it talks about why we write out our fourth step inventory. He also referred to the reading on Tradition 8 in the same book. Richard recommended a reading from One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, August 15, about frustration. Upcoming topics An upcoming topic is titled “the disease of relationships”. Megan wrote “One of my favorite pages out of our CAL talks about alcoholism is a disease of relationships.” How has this disease shown up in your relationships? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Aretha Franklin – Honest I Do Fleetwood Mac – Little Lies Depeche Mode – Policy of Truth

Step 12 suggests that we “practice these principles in all our affairs”. What does this mean to you? How do you do it? Definition: principle * a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning. The AA 12 principles from the book 12 Steps and 12 Traditions * HONESTY – Fairness and straight forwardness of conduct: adherence to the facts.* HOPE – To expect with desire; something on which hopes are centered.* FAITH – Complete confidence; belief and trust.* COURAGE – Firmness  of  mind  and  will  in  the  face  of  extreme  difficulty;  mental  or  moral  strength  to withstand fear.* INTEGRITY – The quality or state of being complete or undivided; soundness.* WILLINGNESS – Prompt to act or respond; accepted and done of choice or without reluctance.* HUMILITY – Not proud or haughty; not arrogant or assertive; a clear and concise understanding of what we are, followed by a sincere desire to become what we can be.* LOVE – Unselfish concern that freely accepts another in loyalty and seeks his good to hold dear.* DISCIPLINE – Training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character; to bring under control; to train or develop by instruction.* PATIENCE/PERSEVERANCE – Steadfast despite opposition or adversity; able or willing to bear; to persist in an understanding in spite of counter influences.* AWARENESS – Alive and alert; vigilance in observing.* SERVICE – A  helpful  act;  contribution  to  the  welfare  of  others;  useful  labor  that  does  not  produce  a tangible commodity. * What do you consider to be “these principles”?* Why is it important to practice them “in all your affairs”?* What does the word “practice” say to you?* How have your life and your relationships been changed by practicing this step?* What tools help you to practice these principles?* How to carry them “out of the rooms and into traffic.”* How have you used Al-Anon recovery principles in your life, and how were your actions, feelings, and reactions different? Readings and Links We read from How Al-Anon Works Step 12 discussion in Chapter 8. The reading referred to the book In All Our Affairs. Elizabeth read from One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, November 4 (p. 309). Upcoming topics Our topic for next week is honesty. what does a lack of honesty with ourselves and others look like and what does the program teach us about the importance of honesty to our recovery? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show The Avett Brothers – No Hard Feelings Indigo Girls – Hammer and a Nail FC Kanuna – Hayling