The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

Once again, we hear your voices. Topics range through Meetings as Medicine, Step 7, patience and tolerance, loss, and the length of shares. Readings and Links A listener wrote about using Discord for recovery meetings. Eric sent us a link to an Insight Timer meditation about patience. I talked about the reading from Hope For Today, June 6. Upcoming topics Upcoming topics may include grief, and how do we use our recovery tools in working for social change? Can you reconcile “accepting the things you cannot change” with “changing the things you cannot accept”? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Best Coast – Everything has Changed Caroline Spence – The Middle

Are you finding it difficult to be patient? How are you tolerant of a world that isn’t going the way you want it to go? * Definitions* Tolerance is a personality trait. It reflects an attitude of open-mindedness, an acceptance of the behavior, beliefs and values of other. It is a term that is associated with psychological resilience which arises from the ability to tolerate stress of various forms without negative consequences.* Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.* Eric's acronym PISO: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. (He used to write it on his hand.) Patience and tolerance may be an antidote for suffering.* As usual, we spend some time sharing how the negatives appear in our lives: impatience, intolerance, lack of restraint, and an “imaginary sense of hurry”.* Eric's HP has a sense of humor, giving him impatiens flowers for his window box, when he needed to be reminded about patience.* How do we cultivate patience and tolerance?* Reminders from our slogans and sayings:* How important is it?* One day at a time* Is it worth my serenity?* WAIT – Why am I talking?* Live and let live* Easy does it* LOVE – Let others voluntarily evolve.* We played out a scene from Kung Fu where “young grasshopper” is schooled about being fully present.* As usual, we have some quotes* Be not afraid of growing slowly.  Be afraid of standing still.  Chinese saying* Patience is the key to paradise.  Turkish proverb* If you understand, things are just as they are. If you don’t understand, things are just as they are. Zen Koan Readings and Links We read from In All our Affairs – Becoming Entirely Ready – pg 130 and Courage to Change, Jan 1. We discussed a couple of articles: Who first said “Patience is a Virtue”, and The Power of Patience. Upcoming topics A topic idea from a listener: How do we keep our meetings focused on recovery in difficult times? When life is hard, it is easy to spend our time talking about our problems. We come to meetings for recovery, so how do we keep the focus of the meeting positive? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show John Mayer – My Stupid Mouth George Michael – Waiting https://youtu.be/C-0iIw9MDAo John Mayer – Emoji of a Wave

Spencer was a guest on the Sober Speak podcast, with a conversation about Steps 1, 2, and 3 in Al-Anon. Sober Speak has mostly an AA focus, but the host, John M does sometimes invite members of Al-Anon to share their experience, strength, and hope. We talked about how I suddenly felt my powerlessness one day, and how that brought me to this program of recovery. And then, the long journey to actually accepting that I am powerless over my loved one's alcoholism. I resisted the notion of God as I understood God from my childhood, but was able to accept that there was some power greater than myself that was working in my life, because I was starting to feel better as I worked the Al-Anon program. My sponsor encouraged me to “act as if” I had made a decision to turn my life over to the care of this (unknown) higher power. This got easier as I started to listen to the wisdom I was surrounded with. Eventually, I came to understand that I did not need to have a “picture” of my higher power in order to accept its guidance and support. We will continue this conversation through the steps in the future, and I will share those here when they happen. Readings and Links A listener asked about the detachment reading I shared in episode 188, Detachment with Love. It is from a small flyer called Detachment, published by Al-Anon. It is available as a PDF from the Al-Anon web site. Talk to us Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Julie joins us to tell her story. She grew up with an alcoholic father and an “untreated Al-Anon” mother. As a child, from the age of 10, she thought it was her job to mediate between her parents, and especially to try to help “settle” the arguments they had. Now, she recognizes that it never worked, but she kept on trying, anyway. In her relationships, her thinking was something like “if I make sure they are ok, then they will know that I love them, and they will love me, and everything will be ok.” This, also, didn't always work. She was looking for something to fill a “hole” inside her, and when people didn't do the job, she started “medicating” with food. One day, she told herself, “Julie, you have a choice. You are killing yourself slowly. If you are not OK with continuing on this path, you have to do something.” She decided she wanted to live. So she found a therapist. This was her first example of her higher power doing for her what she couldn't do for herself. After some time (years) in therapy, her therapist gave her “homework.” Clever therapist—she knew how to motivate Julie. Her homework was to go to Al-Anon. At her first meeting, she started hearing her story in others' voices. After another year, she was given new homework—get a sponsor. So she did. A drastic change in her life came unexpectedly, just after she had finished working Steps 1-3. Her program, her sponsor, and her friends helped her through it. She says “the right people showed up at the right time.” Even in this upheaval, she started her Step 4 inventory, to build a “map” of herself, so she could see where she was, where she wanted to be, and how to get there. She told me “What I don’t have, I can’t give anyone else, what I don’t practice, I can’t expect from anyone else.” In Steps 8 and 9, she came to forgiveness for her parents. She says “I don't forgive because what they did is okay. Even though they did the very best they could, what they did is not okay. I forgive now because I'm okay now.” Now, she says “My life has changed beyond words, beyond my wildest imagination. I am living my best life. I can truly say that life is beautiful. I've connected with my higher power who has let me know that I have a purpose to be here. I'm made from God and God is in me. And in you, in all Al-Anons, in every human being in this world and in everything.” Readings and Links Julie read from her Al-Anon district newsletter, and the “gifts of Al-Anon” from the book From Survival to Recovery, pp 267-268. Gina sent us a butterfly video (see below). She let us know that we can get ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) daily meditations when we sign up for the ACA newsletter, and that the CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) daily reader is part of the CODA app (Android, apparently not on iPhone). Recordings of the Al-Anon without Borders events. and many other speakers, are available for free listening or download at AMOT Audio. Upcoming topics Our topic for next week is “in all our affairs”. How do you use your recovery tools and principles in your daily life?

Why are boundaries important to me right now? How am I setting and keeping healthy boundaries, today? A couple of listeners shared their experience of boundaries. Spencer's discussion is guided by this outline. * How Al-Anon Works, Chapter 11 Detachment, Love, and Forgiveness has a section titled Personal Boundaries.* “… many of us find it difficult even to begin [to focus on ourselves] because we have lost track of the separation between ourselves and others.”* “Enmeshed” best describes my relationship with my loved one before Al-Anon * I didn’t understand where I stopped and someone else began, so naturally I tried to take responsibility for everything.* Discovering boundaries: internal and external* Internal: “this is mine, that is not mine” (also the “hula hoop” concept)* Serenity prayer is a big help here.* External: limits I set on my behavior and limits I set on what I will tolerate* I will make sure I get enough rest, despite how late anyone else wants to stay up.* I reserve the right to remove myself from uncomfortable situations* I won’t give you more than I am comfortable giving* Not exactly a slogan: “Givers need to set boundaries because takers have none.”* Why are boundaries important now?* At home with my wife (and dog) 24-7.* Both of us are working — we both need to respect our work hours.* Outside the home: honor distancing guidelines (boundary on my own behavior)* Respect others’ desires* How do I respond when others are not honoring my boundaries (distancing)? Readings and Links We read from Hope for Today, November 6; Courage to Change, July 19, and How Al-Anon Works, pages 267-269 Feedback Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Did the God language in the 12 steps put you off? How have you worked this program of recovery in that case? Spencer and 3 listeners contribute their experience of working the twelve steps of recovery, even though the God language was not “working” for us. We share the ways in which we were able to understand the concept of a “higher power” working in our lives, so that we could recover more fully. Higher powers that we turn to include the program itself, our recovery groups, nature and the universe, and for many of us, the power of love. For some of us, we came to understand that the language was not important, and that language is, at best, an imperfect attempt to name, describe, and comprehend something that might not be comprehensible. But something that we could experience. One listener likens it to a blind person experiencing a sunset. The colors that are the biggest part of a sunset to a sighted person are meaningless, but that doesn't mean that the sunset can't be experienced by all the other senses. Readings and Links We read from * Courage to Change, April 26* Strengthening My Recovery – ACA daily reader, April 14. Upcoming topics Our topic for next week is boundaries. Have you had to set new boundaries while staying at home? How are you enforcing your boundaries differently? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Alanis Morissette – Guardian Indigo Girls – I Believe in Love k.d. lang – Constant Craving

How do we find hope when it all seems hopeless? Eric and Spencer have a conversation about hope, inspired by these discussion points and questions. * Hope definition* a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.* want something to happen or be the case.* Often when we say “hope” we really mean “expectation” — “I hope this will happen”* How do we have hope without expectation?* The possibility of change… the possibility of improvement.* Spanish esperar vs ojalá — “waiting” or “god’s will”* Is it a “wish” or a “hope”?* http://www.differencebetween.info/difference-between-hope-and-expectation* Psychology Today: The Power of Hope* hope is an emotion that springs from the heart, not the brain* a sheer belief that you will overcome, you will persevere and you will endure anything and everything that comes your way.* Hope is the belief that circumstances will get better. It's not a wish for things to get better — it's the actual belief, the knowledge that things will get better, no matter how big or small* To have hope is to empower yourself in order to face the toughest of times and emerge a survivor.* These things engender hope:* Faith* Gratitude* Love* The Difference Between Expectation and Hope* Brainy Quotes* Emily Dickinson. Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tunes without the words and never stops it all.* Aristotle – Hope is a waking dream* Benjamin Franklin – He that lives on hope will die fasting. (Kind of the opposite of what we talked about today.)*  Extreme hopes are born from extreme misery Bertrand Russell* Eric’s daughter wrote underneath it,  Don't ignore your problems. Don't stare and glare. Create a great hope. * Robert Green Ingersoll: Hope is the only bee that makes honey without flowers. Readings and Links Eric opened with a reading from In All Our Affairs, Chapter 10, “Love and Forgiveness: Steps Ten Eleven and Twelve”. We also read from Courage to Change, September 14, again from In All Our Affairs, page 28, and One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, April 3. Links to the webpages we talked about are in the text above. Near the end, Eric recommends this article: Deepak Chopra explains how mindfulness could help us survive the coronavirus crisis Upcoming topics An upcoming topic is boundaries. These days, I'm finding that setting and observing good boundaries is increasingly important to my peace of mind. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Natasha Bedingfield – Hope The Chainsmokers – Don't Let Me Down John Prine – Angel From Montgomery

What do you fear? What tools do you use to let go of, move through, and live with fear? Barb joins me to talk about fear. We had scheduled this conversation before the Corona Virus pandemic was declared, but it seems so appropriate now. We roughly followed this outline. * What fears did you have before you came into a recovery program?* Fear of success* Fear of failure* Fear of being uncomfortable while afraid* Fear of authority figures (both real and perceived)* Fear of angry people. (both angry in the moment but also “explosive”)* Fear of disapproval* Fear of others’ discomfort* Fear of not being valued* Fear of might be* How did these fears manifest in you? * In your actions or inactions?* In your feelings?* In your mood?* Panic attacks.* Don’t ask for needs. Don’t ask for help.* How did you deal with your fears then?* What has changed in recovery?* How do you understand fear?* What fears do you have now?* Are they more “realistic”? More specific? More actionable?* How do you “deal with” fear now?* Slogans? Readings and Links Barb read from Strengthening My Recovery: Meditations for Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families, June 11. Pg. 169: Fear; and The Language of Letting Go, by Melodie Beattie (author of Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency: Jan. 10, pg. 10: Fear. Upcoming topics What are your meetings like now? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Jason Isbell – If It Takes a Lifetime Brandi Carlile – The Eye Kacey Musgraves – Rainbow

Are you a member of more than one recovery program? How do you balance them? How do they support each other? Listeners and members of more than one recovery program share their experience. We hear from members of * Al-Anon* Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)* Overeaters Anonymous (OA)* Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)* Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)* Codependents Anonymous (CODA)* Debtors Anonymous They share how their programs meet different needs and aspects of their recovery. How they support each other. My thanks to all of you for your honesty, openness, and courage. Readings and Links I read from a pamphlet Al-Anon Spoken Here Gina set a copy of the CODA Patterns and Characteristics 2011Download Matthew sent an infographic, 9 Tips for Coping With Social DistancingDownload MaryLou sent links to articles about recovery and connection during “social distancing” and isolation. With Meetings Banned, Millions Struggle to Stay Sober On Their Own (NY Times) As Life Moves Online, an Older Generation Faces a Digital Divide (Ny Times) 8 tips for hosting the perfect virtual hangout (The Lily) Eating alone, together: Virtual dinner parties are helping people fight isolation (Washington Post) The new sound of worship services: ‘Can you mute your mic? Amen.’ (Washington Post) Gina told us about an ACA podcast, Tuesday Toolbox and the ACA promises. Upcoming topics We are still asking about your meeting format. And maybe now, how has it changed as it moves online? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Sinéad O'Connor – Feel So Different Jess Glynne – No One Maren Morris – My Church

Are you “sheltering in place”? How are you able to participate in recovery when you can’t meet face to face with other members? Spencer and Marylou discuss how they are experiencing recovery during this time of isolation and “sheltering in place” during the COVID-19 pandemic. Our conversation was sparked by an email that Marylou sent with these ideas. * Alcoholism is a disease of isolation, which in the current situation, is being forced upon us all.* Some of those at highest risk for the virus are also at the highest risk for social isolation.* These individuals may also lack experience with and/or fear technology.* It would be an act of service for those with enough recovery (or bandwidth), on a regular basis,  to reach out to those individuals in your groups who don’t have a smart phone or computer access.* It could also be an act of service to help a person new to technology work their way through installing and using an app to access a meeting via their phone or computer.* We are all going to have to lower our standards a bit – e-meetings may not be the same as in-person meetings but the question I’ve been asking myself is: are they good enough for the current situation? My experience thus far is yes, they’re not the same but good enough.* If, in the past, you have been deeply uncomfortable with what seemed like the “perils of technology”, maybe this crisis is presenting us with an opportunity to do the steps on this issue. I have found that there’s almost no problem or situation that can’t benefit from using the 12 steps to explore.* In meetings, we sometimes joke about our own unwillingness to try new things or think in new ways. This crisis presents us all with an opportunity to work the program using our principles. At the end, several listeners wrote and called with their own thoughts, experience, strength, and hope about online meetings and how they are living through this moment. Readings and Links Marylou chose two readings from Hope for Today, an Al-Anon daily reader: January 30 and February 8. Matthew sent us an infographic with 9 Tips for Coping With Social DistancingDownload Upcoming topics Upcoming topics include the experiences of dual-program members, and how do you practice the 12 steps as an atheist or agnostic? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

In a recent online meeting, the almost unanimous choice of topic was fear and anxiety. We were all feeling it in one way or another. We started with a reading from Courage to Change, January 10. It talks about “mental static” of worry, and then says “I'm learning to focus all my attention on this very moment.” Members on the call expressed different fears that they were experiencing, and different sources of anxiety. Of course, the corona virus situation is present for all of us, on top of whatever is going on in our individual lives. And we are each meeting our anxiety in different ways. We who are in recovery have spent, in some cases, years developing the ability to “let go and let God”; to focus on the present moment; to put “first things first”; to know that we need only “do the next right thing”; and to find gratitude in the midst of chaos and uncertainty. I can take a moment to appreciate the beauty of the natural world, and for that to lift me, however briefly, from my fears. This short episode was recorded on my phone, sitting in my car outside my parents' house. The photo above is a view from their property.

Do you struggle with the God language in the 12 steps? Josh did. His inability to fully engage with the steps was probably a factor in his relapses. Josh talks with us about a couple of recovery programs based on Buddhist principles, centered on meditative practices. These programs are Recovery Dharma and Refuge Recovery. Our discussion was wide-ranging, centered on these topics: * What is a meeting like?* How did you come to these programs?* How are they similar to 12-step recovery programs?* Both have group settings where members share.* Both have an underlying spiritual practice.* Recovery Dharma/Refuge Recovery have “inquiries” — similar to inventory* Mentors (like sponsor)* Literature* Speakers in AA / Teachers in Dharma* Endorsement / encouragement from recovery programs (e.g. court papers)* How do they differ?* Spiritual foundation is different.* Recovery Dharma incorporates some modern psychology elements. Especially in dealing with trauma.* Do you have to be Buddhist to participate? * How do they speak to you / support you in your own recovery?* Would this recovery program be helpful to someone whose primary problem is co-dependency?  Readings and Links Josh read from the AA book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 98. Recovery Dharma website. Refuge Recovery website. Upcoming topics A listener asked for a topic about how atheists, agnostics, and people with other spiritual programs can work the 12 steps. Can you share your experience? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Oh Wonder – Landslide The Paper Kites – Bloom Juan D'arienzo – Paciencia

As we are moving into a time of social distancing, where many of our meeting places are closing down, but also when we may be feeling anxious, confused, and scared, we still need meetings. My Saturday morning meeting met this morning online and by phone using the BlueJeans service. This service has both video and phone capability. This morning, I started out on video, but when it became clear that the internet in my parents' house was not sufficient for video, it was quite easy to switch to phone and stay in the call. That got me thinking that I should put together a list of online resources for meetings. Here are the ones that I know about. Please comment below or send email to feedback@therecovery.show if you have others. See the comments below for some other links! Online meeting lists * Al-Anon electronic and phone meetings* InTheRooms social networking site online Al-Anon meetings (choose “Others” in the drop down menu just below the heading “LIVE VIDEO MEETINGS CALENDAR”.* Another listener reminded me of phonemeetings.org, which lists many existing phone meetings.* A listener sent a link to a flyer for Al-Anon Without Borders, a series of Zoom speaker meetings hosted by members around the US on Saturday and Sunday March 28, 29 and April 4,5. This event is now over. Recordings of the speakers are available for download. Tom W (featured in episode 250 of The Recovery Show) spoke on Step 3, and Mary Pearl T (several episodes) also spoke. During the time of COVID, downloads are free, and there is an opportunity to make donations to support Al-Anon Without Borders. * Online Al-Anon Meetings in the Los Angeles area.* Some online recovery meetings in the Ann Arbor, MI area.* Colorado meetings: www.al-anon-co.org  Hover over members and then COVID 19 Pandemic and then click on Non Face to Face (Electronic Meetings) and then a document pops up to click on which lists electronic meetings for everyday of the week. * Northern California has several zoom meetings going on. If you visit www.scv-afg.org they are listed.* Here is a list of virtual meetings in the San Francisco Bay area, mostly the East Bay, with additional links to meetings in San Francisco, Marin, Los Angeles, and Al-Anon World Service.* A member in Liverpool writes: we have online Al Anon meetings everyday over zoom. Most of our meetings are around 6-7pm in the evening UK time, but we also have some lunch meetings. If anyone would like the meeting details please email: fromsurvivaltorecoverylpool@gmail.com* The Adult Children of Alcoholics website has a tool for finding online meetings.* A UK ACoA group (Adult Children of Alcoholics)  also has zoom meetings everyday at 7 pm UK time, and you can find out their meeting details by emailing acastrengthenmyrecovery@gmail.

Although Deborah came from an alcoholic family, and married an alcoholic, she only came to Al-Anon when her son was having problems with alcohol and drugs. And only because a colleague told her of his experience with his son's problems. He didn't tell her what Al-Anon was about, he just said “go”. So she did. When she was maybe 4 or 5, she felt it was her responsibility to make sure her drunk father got out of his chair and into his bed. When her sister started acting out, Deborah would answer the police call and drive to the station to bring her sister home. Deborah was 13 or 14 at the time (i.e., not legal to drive, yet). She married a man who was “just like” her father. At her first meeting, a woman asked “do you love your son?” Upon being assured that Deborah did love her son, very much, the woman said “everything you are doing is killing him.” Deborah's mental reaction to this statement is not printable here. Even after years in Al-Anon, she does “slip” and try to rescue her son. But, she is able to recover and let go, recognizing that her “help” is not actually helping him. She loves the slogan “Hands off pays off”, because it reminds her that only her son can achieve sobriety for himself. She can't give it to him. Readings and Links Deborah opened the show by reading from a “Letter from your higher power”, which you can find online at https://al-anon.org/blog/im-putting-son-care/. At her first meeting, she was given a “newcomer packet”, which included a pamphlet “Three Views of Al-Anon–Alcoholics Speak to the Family” with a letter from the alcoholic. Upcoming topics I'm looking for shares on the topic of different kinds of meetings and different meeting formats. What is the format of your meeting(s)? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show Kelly Clarkson – Sober Kenny Chesney – Demons Hillsong – I Surrender

Trigger warning: Diana's story includes some violent and abusive episodes from her childhood. You can skip forward to about 21:00 to avoid those descriptions. Diana H had a turbulent childhood. Her mother suffered from mental illness. Her house was full of alcohol, drugs, and violence. We talk about how her work in recovery has helped her to a more serene, happy, and productive life. She wrote a book, titled Born into Crazy, and she reads an excerpt from the book for us. Writing the book was part of her recovery from the traumas of her childhood. It helped her to face and to defuse the emotions in her memories, in combination with therapy and 12-step recovery. Readings and Links Diana's book, Born Into Crazy, is available from Amazon in paperback or Kindle formats. Diana read from Codependents' Guild to the Twelve Steps by Melodie Beattie. Jan asked about online meetings. The Al-Anon website lists online meetings. Another resource with meetings online is In The Rooms, which is a social site for people in all kinds of recovery. Upcoming topics Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the Show George Harrison – Give Me Love (Give Me Peace On Earth)