The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

Do you try to reduce the consequences of your loved one’s choices and actions?  Do you have trouble enforcing consequences on undesirable behavior by others? con·se·quence ˈkänsikwəns noun * a result or effect of an action or condition. synonyms: result, upshot, outcome, effect, repercussion, ramification, corollary, concomitant, aftermath, after effect; * Setting Consequences * I have to be willing to enforce them. * They should be realistic and relate to the behavior. * They should impact the other person more than me! * What is the difference between “threat” and “consequences”? * When I set a boundary and consequences for violating that boundary, am I attempting to control or manipulate another’s behavior? * Consequences of OTHER people’s behavior – Is NOT my business * When I “do for others what they are capable of doing for themselves”, I set myself up as enabling, and deny them the natural consequences, good or bad, of their actions.  Resentment, disappointment, anger… * When I try to instill consequences, punishment, discipline, I often exacerbate an issue and set myself up yet again, for resentment, disappointment, anger… * A definition of “enabling” that I learned is “getting between someone and the consequences of their actions.” (see Courage to Change January 5, June 16) * Consequences of MY behavior – IS my business * When I take care of myself, … * Feel better * Act better * Cope better * When I do not take care of myself I… * Blame * Resent * Slip into old behavior * Get sick, angry, lonely, tired * Mentioned or implied in several slogans including Live and Let Live, Let Go and Let God, One Day at a Time * Related topics – CONTROL, ENABLING, RESENTMENT, DETACHMENT, BOUNDARIES Resources We read from at least some of these articles. * Al-Anon faces Alcoholism * Unacceptable behavior and consequences (forum thread) * Natural Consequences (Psychology Today) * How to set Healthy Boundaries with Alcoholics and Addicts * Natural Consequences (forum thread) * 50 Quotes on Consequences (Psychology Today) * Consequences on Brainy Quotes Our topic for next week is new topic. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Ringo Starr: The No No Song https://youtu.be/DZN_8M4OpMo TLC: Waterfalls Camila Cabello https://youtu.be/5ZAC2Ns7uAk  

Thanks to Denise, who recommended this talk. She wrote, When I heard you speak about violence in the non-alcoholic as a possible topic, I immediately thought of an Al-Anon talk I heard on the XA speakers website. It was by Carl H. from Hollywood, CA given in Calgary, Canada in 2010. He is an excellent speaker and addresses this topic head on concerning violence toward his alcoholic, in this case, his wife, as well as talking about how the program helped him heal in other relationships. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

How do you talk to your children about recovery? What have they asked you? Spencer talks with Megan about how she talks to her children about recovery. We are joined by shares from several listeners. Our conversation was wide-ranging, touching on topics from the list below. * What questions have your children asked you about * Alcoholism/addiction? * Recovery? * Meetings? * Therapy? (“talk doctor”) * Their father? * Divorce? * What have you said to them…? * Mommy and Daddy’s first priority is to make sure that you are safe… * It's never your fault when adults drink and act badly. * How do you model recovery / healthy behavior for your children? * Do they reflect it back? * How do you communicate differently to different age children? * What do you still struggle with in communicating to your children about alcoholism and recovery? * What have you NOT told your children? Why? * Do your children attend meetings? * Would you bring your children to a meeting if it was the only way you could go? * When did you need to put your recovery needs ahead of your children? * Do you feel that you owe amends to your children? * What for? * (How) have you made amends? Megan quoted from the Al-Anon Family Groups pamphlet, How Can I Help My Children?    A listener asked about whether we have transcripts of the podcast. We don't. The best explanation I've found for why not is a blog post titled “The Dream of converting podcasts to text.” Upcoming topics include violence by the “Al-Anon”. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Avett Brothers: When I Drink https://youtu.be/K30QM7iqbII Martina McBride: In my Daughter's Eyes Crosby, Stills and Nash: Teach your Children    

Do you find yourself reacting without thinking? Does anxiety impel you to action? How can you pause and not react? A listener wrote in with these questions. How do I not act (or react) on the first impulsive thought or feeling? How do others sit with uncomfortable feelings? How do I act on God's will not my will? Letting time pass, a month or longer or a week or few days seems impossible when i am so anxious. How do you deal with that?? How also to know God's time as I'm a naturally impulsive person and have always done things fast. Any fear I have makes me say something I regret later or take action too soon, as i don't give myself enough time to write and meditate and breathe. * My first thought is about the “Al-Anon pause button”. But then, the question is: “How do I remember to use it?” * A couple of helpful slogans: * “How important is it?” (Courage to Change, August 15) * “First Things First” (How Al-Anon Works, Chapter 9) * The thing: It takes practice! * My experience with just about any “defect of character” * First I become aware of it. * Then, I notice it after I do it. * After a while, I notice it while I’m doing it. * Eventually, I’m able to notice when I’m about to do it. * Don’t “kick myself” while I’m trying to learn a new way to be. * Awareness, Acceptance, Action! * How to “sit with it”. The reading from Courage to Change, January 10 about worry may be helpful. Our topic for next week is talking to small children about recovery. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Brad Sucks: Overreacting Norma Jean: Reaction Astrid S: Think Before I Talk A TED talk I mentioned this TED talk in “my week in recovery”.  

What does freedom mean to you? What freedom have you found in recovery? Eric suggested this topic, and we were loosely guided in our conversation by this outline. * Definition of freedom? Many definitions… * Do I believe that freedom only comes from being in control of my life? * What does it mean to me (now) that “freedom can only come from acceptance”? * The blog “Through an Al-Anon Filter” says If I want peace, I must give my program away to others. If I want growth, I must give up my belief in my own “rightness.” If I want serenity, I must give up self-will, and be open to my Higher Power. If I want freedom, I must give up my need to control. … If I want real, lasting change, I must give up my safe misery. * (How) do I understand this in my life? * Concept Three 
The Right of Decision makes effective leadership possible. * We have the right to decide, to make choices. This is a powerful idea and one that many of us may have lost sight of growing up in families that were dysfunctional. * “When I began studying Concept Three, I found the answer. It wasn’t alcoholism that bothered me. It was someone taking away my right of decision.” Reaching for Personal Freedom p. 132 * What freedom(s) have I found in recovery? * Free to live my life. I don’t have to follow the whims and wishes of my loved one (I can choose to do so, but I don’t have to.) * Free to take care of myself (instead of my loved one). * Free to grow. * Free to laugh. * Free to make choices. * Free to know myself. * Free to let go of the past (but not wish to shut the door on it). * Free to find gratitude in the little (and the big) things, even when some part of my life sucks. * I am becoming Free FROM; * Despair * Sadness * Loneliness * Isolation * Anxiety * Blame * Resentments * Feeling trapped * Fear * Anger * Guilt * Shame * Dependence (on others) * Expectations (of others) * I am become FREE TO; * Live and Let Live * Let It Go * Surrender without giving up * Say No (and feel good about it) * Detach, with love * Set boundaries * Allow consequences to happen * Love, not need * Walk away * Feel, without fear * Say what I mean * Go slow * Enjoy solitude * Be happy * Have choices * Take risks * To be wrong * Trust * Laugh more (Promise 12) * Who knew!?  (as my sponsor said yesterday when I read him my list…

I'm on vacation this week, visiting my brother in southern California. I'm sharing with you the talk given by Linda L at the March Roundup 2018 in Dearborn, MI. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Have you been to an AA or Al-Anon convention or round up? What did you find there? This week, I attended “March Roundup 2018”, an AA convention with Al-Anon participation in Dearborn, Michigan. My wife and I both went and attended sessions together, with a mix of AA and Al-Anon topics and speakers. From Friday to Sunday, we attended workshops on * God Consciousness * The Al-Anon traditions * Double Winners – the AA’s value of using Al-Anon * Early AA Escapades * 4 Important pages – 23 and 24 (Step 1, basically) In the “big book”: http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_22.htm and following; in the “12 and 12”: https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step1.pdf * Dr. Bob’s Farewell talk, https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/dr-bobs-farewell-talk * Principles in our relationships And we heard 6 speakers: * Danny D (AA) * Linda L (Al-Anon) * Matt R and Summer B (Alateen) * June G (AA) * Earl H (AA) As always, there was much more that we wanted to do than we had time and energy for. Activities extended into the night, both Friday and Saturday, with additional workshops, fun, games, and dancing. However we went home to get our sleep (about 45 minute drive). And Saturday and Sunday both started at 8AM, which we definitely were not able to make it that early. I want to express my joy to the listeners who approached me to say “thank you” for this podcast. I do this podcast for my recovery and for yours, and it is always encouraging to hear how it helps you. We saw friends from our home groups and shared some recovery with them, too. If you’ve thought about attending a “round up” or convention, I strongly encourage you to do so. If you’re afraid you’ll be singled out as an Al-Anon, I can honestly say that nobody asked me what program I was in. At this one, we made our own name badges, which could say as much or as little as we wanted. Everybody was warm and welcoming, and we got so much recovery wisdom. (Granted, not all the presenters were excellent speakers, but they all had something meaningful to share.) Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. A listener wrote and asked about a flowchart I had mentioned a while back, where all the choices eventually lead to “don't worry”. She wanted to know where to find it. Here's one version: https://lifehacker.com/this-flow-chart-tells-you-when-to-worry-about-anything-1638610395

Myrtle A speaking in Lusk, WY in 1996. Myrtle says she is her own worst problem. And that she has kicked “poor me” out of the house. But she is also a thief: she will “steal your responsibility faster than you knew you had it.” I hope you enjoy and get as much from her talk as I did. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

What trauma has alcoholism brought into your life? How are you healing from it? I didn’t realize it, but by the time I came to Al-Anon, I had been traumatized by the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon is helping me to heal from this trauma. I recognized recently that it’s not over, even almost 16 years later. Recently, I heard of 3 simple steps that can help us to heal from traumatic stress. (Simple, not easy!) I have to admit that I don’t completely understand how to apply them, but what I know is that my progress in Al-Anon has followed these 3 steps. They are: * Act * I came to Al-Anon. I wasn’t sure why I came, except that I didn’t know what else to do. * I kept on coming, just because each time I felt a little better. * I listened and identified with what members said in meetings. * I read Al-Anon literature (this was huge for me in reducing anxiety and enabling me to sleep.) * Act with others. * I can’t do it all by myself. That is the essence of Steps 2 and 3: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. * I asked another member to be my sponsor. This was my first step to acting with others. I didn’t use my sponsor very effectively, but I did call when I didn’t know how to act or deal in a situation. * I met with other members and formed a step study group (AWOL = A Way Of Life). We met weekly for about 2 years, working through the 12 steps together. * Working through Step 4, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”, with others helped me to see that I am not uniquely broken, and that other people have suffered similar trauma. * Step 5, “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”, has been essential in healing my guilt and shame over my past actions. Until I open up to another person, I am not relieved of my pain. In this way, Acting with another is essential to my recovery. * Act from your wise mind. * The concept of “wise mind” comes from dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). It has been described as the combination of intellectual thought and emotional thought. OK. What’s that mean for me? * One way I see this action in my program is in Steps 6 and 7. In working Step 6, I try to reach a fullness of understanding and acceptance of my “shortcomings”. Some shortcomings are easy to accept intellectually — I can see the negative effects of my procrastination — but hard to accept emotionally — I am somehow driven to procrastinate but I don’t really know why. Practicing mindfulness can help here. By letting my thoughts just pass by, I start to find acceptance of what is true rather than what I want to be true. * Other shortcomings are obvious emotionally but not so much intellectually. My fear of financial insecurity is/was one of these. I knew I was afraid, but I didn’t know what I could do about it. I couldn’t get out of it by reasoning. In fact, my reasoning mind told me that I should just do the things I was afraid of: check the bank balance, pay the bills on time, make a budget. I had to bring the emotion and the reason together to accept that I needed to ask for help. * When I have reached intellectual and emotional acceptance of a shortcoming, then I am entirely ready to have it removed, and I can move on to Step 7 where I ask for just that. * Many of the components of the Al-Anon program help me to act from my wise mind, by reaching understanding and acceptance of what is true. * The disease concept of alcoholism was foreign to me and I rejected it at first. I had to learn about how addiction affects the brain,

Do you dread mail from your bank? Are you anxious about paying the bills? Can you see a “way out” of your financial situation? * What is my experience? * Ignoring the problem * We’re just fine. * Just use the credit card. * Cash advances * Balance transfer * Borrow from parents. * Take money from retirement (is this amends?) * Can I win the lottery??? (no) * Refinance the house. * Worry, anxiety, can’t sleep. * The problem is drinking — too expensive. * Bankruptcy?  No! Not an option! * Bank balance anxiety… * Don’t check it. * But be afraid of the envelope (later, the text message) * Step 6/7 — ask for help, and receive it. * How to recover? How to not be anxious all the time? * Sobriety helped, but not the only answer. * Make a plan to pay off credit card balances. * Tradition 7 * General Warranties of the Conference In all proceedings the World Service Conference of Al-Anon shall observe the spirit of the Traditions: * that only sufficient operating funds, including an ample reserve, be its prudent financial principle; * Where am I today? * Credit cards at zero. * Loans taken to pay off credit cards almost zero. * Home line of credit is the next target. * Student loans — refinance for lower interest. 5 years to go. * We were able to recarpet our home from savings, not credit! * But it took time. Upcoming topics include parenting. In particular, if you are the parent of an alcoholic or addict, we'd love to hear your fears, experience, strength, and hope. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com. Or just leave a comment right here. Readings Courage to Change, Dec 11 How Al-Anon Works, Chapter 31 “Letting Go of a Loved One’s Alcohol, Drug, and Money Problems” Music from the show Hank Thompson – Six Pack to Go Abba – Money, Money, Money Macklemore and Ryan Lewis – Make the Money    

How do you use slogans? Do you “let it begin with me”? When do you ask yourself “Is it worth my serenity?” How do you “Live and let live”? * 3 slogans for today. * Let it begin with me. * Is it worth my serenity? * First things first. * For each slogan: How do I understand the slogan? * What did I think when I first heard each slogan? * Has my understanding changed? * How have I applied the slogan in the past? Now? * The “Al-Anon declaration” includes the words “Let it begin with me” twice. Why? * LET IT BEGIN WITH ME—When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, let the hand of Al‑Anon and Alateen always be there and LET IT BEGIN WITH ME * Do I use “Let it begin with me” to remind me that my recovery comes first? * Sort of like the “oxygen mask” metaphor? * “Isms” and “if you spot it, you got it” * What happens when I ask “Is it worth my serenity?” How does it change the way I react to situations? * Do I use “first things first” * To reduce frustration, fear, or uncertainty? * To help me move forward one step towards a goal I don’t know how to reach? * To help me choose from several “next steps”? Our topic for next week is new topic. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Readings We opened with a reading from Chapter 9 of How Al-Anon Works, Slogans. Later, we read from Courage to Change, April 18 and December 2. Music from the show The Isley Brothers and Santana – Let there be Peace on Earth (and Let it Begin with Me) Read more about this song. Godsmack – Serenity Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young – First Things First    

Eric and I had planned a discussion about slogans, to follow up on our first one in episode 131. But life intervened, so we had to ask “how important is it?” and to put “first things first.” Thus, I'm sharing an open talk by Carol S of Omaha, Nebraska. Upcoming topics include some slogans. What is your favorite slogan? Or, maybe more importantly, what is the slogan that you use almost every day? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Step 3 asks us to “make a decision” to turn our will to the care of a higher power. Why is this so hard for many of us? I looked back over 15 years at the 3 times I have worked step 3, and found the answers I wrote in 2002, 2011, and 2017 for these questions about making a decision. * Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. * How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance? * How do I know who or what my Higher Power is? * Am I willing to turn my problems over? What could help me be willing? * How can I stop thinking, trying, and considering, and actually make a decision? * Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples. If I am unable to make a decision, what holds me back? How would you answer these questions? Share your responses so we can read them in a future episode. Upcoming are two more parent episodes. For one episode, please share your experience, strength, and hope about being the parent of an alcoholic or addict.  For the other, how has recovery changed the way you are a parent? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links Audio versions of three Al-Anon books are now available: The Al-Anon online store has links to purchase the books from Audible, Amazon, or iTunes. Here are direct links to purchase them through Amazon: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, How Al-Anon Works, Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II. A description of the “persistent illusion” can be found in the book Alcoholics Anonymous starting on page 30. Here is one online copy that you can read. The original “3rd Step Prayer” and several variants of it can be found at the “Friends of Bill W.” website. A listener asked about the song “Drowning's Better (with your friends)”, which can be found at the Bandcamp page for Misty Lyn and the Big Beautiful. Music from the show Just Decide by I Fight Dragons Free to Decide by The Cranberries Choose by Hightown Parade More songs about making decisions are in this Spotify playlist.

Are you the sober parent in an alcoholic family? What challenges have you faced? How has recovery helped you? * What challenges do you face as the sober parent? * Keeping your children safe * Making decisions about how to parent. What happens when you disagree? * Taking everything on. * Anger, rage and anxiety. * “Parenting” your spouse? * Jealousy/resentment of the “fun parent.” * Attributing all “problems” to alcoholism. * Decision-making. * Not know what “normal” is.  Or what “healthy” is. * Trying to parent together when you don’t feel strong in your marriage… or when its actually breaking/broken. * Protecting anonymity while being honest on medical and education paperwork for my children * Traveling for work and setting expectations for care of our kids knowing I really have no control over whether or not my wishes/expectations are upheld * Not having control. Allowing kids to ride in the car or even just be at home alone with the alcoholic parent. * How did you react to these before recovery? * Resentment – LOTS * Snide, snarky comments to spouse, spitefulness * Anger, particularly misdirected anger * Guilt and self-loathing * Exhaustion * Apathy * Depression * All or nothing attitude/perspective * Relentless pursuit of “agreement” or seeing my viewpoint * Lack of trust * How has recovery changed the way in which you face these challenges? * Living one day/one hour/one minute at a time. * Setting boundaries * Focus on myself… self-care, self-inventory, stay in my hula hoop * Crazy thought train doesn’t stay as long * Awareness of my anxiety and anger * Learning to pause. * Not as hard on myself * I don’t always feel compelled to make decisions right away * I’m learning to let go of outcomes * I’m learning the difference between true issues/problems and simply unmet expectations * I apply program to my actions on a daily basis (first things first, how important is it, HALT, etc.) * What is a typical day like now? * More loving behavior with my spouse. * More patience * Make amends to my kids whenever necessary * I hear from my Higher Power through my children * More loving and accepting of myself and more compassionate toward my spouse, which creates a more peaceful environment * Imperfect – some days i feel like i’m right back where i started, but that doesn’t last as long * How do you face the fears and worries that you have for your children? * How do my children see me? My spouse? * How can I be the parent my children need? The parent they want? * How can I not transmit my resentment and anger at my spouse to my children? * But: fear of what’s to come in my children’s lives. * What tools do I want to give to my children? * “Pause” * God Box  (kind words, deep breaths) * Acceptance of their emotions * A parent who is approachable and thoughtfully responds rather than reacts Upcoming topics include parenting an alcoholic/addict child, and how recovery has changed the way in which you are a parent. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young: Teach Your Children David Haas: The God of Second Chances    

Begin the new year in stillness, in contemplation of the year past and the year to come. * What do you want to let go of from the last year? * Write it down. Destroy what you have written (burn it, dissolve it in water, or crumple it up and throw it in the trash.) * You don’t need to share this with anyone. It is just for you. * As you destroy it, feel yourself letting go of the anger, the fear, the anxiety, the resentment, the desperation, or the sorrow. * What aspirations do you have (for yourself) in the new year? * Write it down. Put it someplace you will re-encounter it throughout the year. Maybe in your wallet or purse, maybe tucked into the sandals you will wear when summer comes. Let it remind you, when you have forgotten all about it, what you wish for yourself. * What is the difference between an aspiration and a resolution? Why is this important? * What gift would you like to give to someone else for the coming year? * Try for a single word, a short phrase, or a picture. * Give it to someone else. Preferably a stranger, maybe someone you don’t even know who. Leave it in a library book. Tack it on a community bulletin board at a store. Be original. Share your responses to these questions with us by email or voice. Upcoming topics include parenting. From at least these 3 perspectives: Being the sober parent. Being the parent of an alcoholic or addict child. And how has recovery changed the way you are a parent? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show The Black Angels – Life Song Kendrick Lamar – FEEL. MILCK – Quiet