The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

Step 12 says “… we tried … to practice these principles in all our affairs“. It's easy to say but harder to do. Al-Anon doesn't do me much good if I pick and choose where I'm going to put it into practice. Program works best when I embrace it wholeheartedly: give up my excuses, rationalizations, justifications,
and work to make the principles a part of my daily, hourly, life. (…In All Our Affairs, Al-Anon Family Groups) How do we take these things we talk about in here and try to learn from the meetings, and actually use / apply them to life, every day, in every way possible? Not just with our alcoholic or addicts, but with the line at the grocery store or the dreaded dmv, the person who insults or acts unkindly toward us, cuts us off in traffic, acts rudely or with hostility or anger, or takes advantage of us….? I “carry” a “tool box” full of Alanon Slogans and sayings, and a spiritual canteen of positive past results experienced for times when I need refreshment or reminders of these results, in Life, not in the rooms. My tools are kept lubricated by prayer and meditation, calls to my sponsor and fellow members, reading, listening on phone meetings, participating in the program in various ways through service, attending meetings, and carrying the message to others by example and attraction. Some things I do differently now: * Asking for help. * Taking responsibility for my actions. (Not blaming the cop for giving me a ticket.) * Saying “no”. * Doing my part and letting go of expectations of outcomes. * Pause before I react. Slogans “THINK”, “How important is it?” are helpful. * Using “neutral responses” such as “That’s Interesting”, “Let me think about that”, “I hear you”, “you don’t say”, “that’s one way to look at it”, or my favorite “Ah-Ha” or “Oh” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Brandon Heath: Give Me Your Eyes Jason Mraz: Living in the Moment Mavis Staples: You are not Alone Eric sent me this photo of his page of “neutral responses”. May they be of use to you.

Brinn Black is a singer and songwriter from Nashville. She wrote a song, Daddy's Medicine, about her experience growing up with an alcoholic father. Our conversation with Brinn was guided by these questions: Brinn, I have to say that the first few lines just grabbed my heart: When you're five you don't know there's a stranger in your home it's quiet but it's dangerous. But a child's heart can tell the meaning of a yell Although I did not grow up in a home with alcoholism, my children did. I saw their life from the outside, but not the inside. What inspired you to write this song? Can you tell us more about your experience as a child with an alcoholic father? You have said “it tore your family apart” — did he, or the rest of you, leave because of the drinking? I used to think that my love could conquer alcoholism. So I find the lyrics of the chorus particularly poignant: How different my life would have been if my love were stronger than my Daddy's medicine. I believe that these lines express the wish and hope of every one of us who has experienced the pain of living with active alcoholism. How did you mean these lines when you wrote them? How has this song helped you and your family to heal? How has this song been received when you perform it? Where do you find yourself in your journey to recovery from your childhood experience? What has helped you in this struggle? Many of my listeners are still living with the effects of alcoholism. What would you say to someone who grew up affected by alcoholism, and is still working to “get over it”? Our topic for next week is “in all our affairs”. How do you use your recovery tools and principles in your daily life? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Brinn Black: Daddy's Medicine Jason Shaw: Serenity Brinn talked about her experience watching this video of a dance set to Sara Bareilles's song Gravity.    

Is there a stone blocking the tomb of your soul? Have you crawled inside to escape the pain of life? How can we roll that stone away? Yes, it’s Easter again. At this time, I am reminded of the biblical story from Mark 16: When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?” They were sure that they would not be able to roll it away themselves. And this is where many of us were when we came to Al-Anon. We were closed into the darkness of the tomb by a large stone, which we don’t know how to roll away and let the light in. How did we get there? I can speak only for myself. Over the years, I slowly withdrew from active participation in life. I took “refuge from the world” and wrapped myself “in the security of darkness.” Although my life may have appeared normal on the outside, inside, I was numb and withdrawn. There was so much I (felt I) couldn’t share. So much shame and fear and anger and resentment that could not be expressed. I carried those “secret yearnings, pains frustrations, loneliness, fears, regrets, worries” hidden in the tomb, behind the stone. Each time I failed at my self appointed task of “fixing” my loved one’s drinking … Each time I found a new reason for frustration and despair … Each time I followed my fear down the rabbit hole to inevitable ruin… Each time I exploded in rage at some slight provocation … Each of those times, I retreated further into the darkness of the tomb of my soul. There is surely some comfort in numbness, in darkness, in retreat. I could turn inward and curl up, and escape the worries for a time. But even if my soul was entombed in darkness, my body still had to live in the world outside. There was no permanent escape, and each day I dug in a little deeper, numbed a little more. As with the biblical story, I did not know how (or if) I could “roll away the stone.” And, actually, because the change had been so gradual, over such a time, I really did not recognize the depth of my entombment. It took a brief awakening, a “moment of clarity” to see that I was in the dark, and that I needed help. The book of Mark continues “But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe …”  They had the help of a power greater than themselves, symbolized by the “young man dressed in a white robe”. And so it is with many of us. We need help to roll away our own stone, to let the light in and ourselves out of the place we have  walled ourselves into. I found that help in Al-Anon. My stone was not immediately removed, but I did start to let some light in. I began to open a crack in the shell around my fears, my despair, my resentments, and my anger. I found a place in meetings where I could shine the light of day on my shame. I found a place where life didn’t hurt so much. I found a place where the facts of my life with active alcoholism were accepted and understood. I found a place where you loved me even when I didn’t love myself. This didn’t come for free. I had to do my part. At the beginning, my part was just coming to meetings. The hardest step of all, for me, preceded “Step 1”. It was the step into the room of my first Al-Anon meeting. Another step was practicing “Let go (and let God)”. At first it was just “Let go”. Let go of trying to control the drinking. Let go of trying to protect her from the consequences of her actions. Let go of trying to force consequences! This was letting go without any belief in a higher power that might protect her ...

As promised, here is one of my favorite recovery speakers, Father Tom W. sharing his experience, strength, and hope in Al-Anon. Upcoming topics include being the sober parent and Alateen. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Do you obsess over your loved one's drinking? Do you keep chewing over past actions or wrongs done to you? How can we stop? * What is obsessive thinking? What are some other words? * Wallowing (in negativity/fear/anger) * Resentment (as we discussed last week) * Ruminating / chewing over (past wrongs / future problems) * Looping * What sorts of obsessive thoughts do I have? (… have I had?) * Getting the alcoholic to stop drinking. * Counting drinks. * The problems I had in my life (as a result of the drinking). * Money problems. * What could happen (the worst, of course). * Things I did that I feel shame about (kicking myself over and over.) * Why is it a problem? * Takes time from things I can do. * Depresses my mood. * Sleeplessness. * “We who have been affected by someone else’s drinking find ourselves inexplicably haunted by insecurity, fear, guilt, obsession with others, or an overwhelming need to control every person and situation we encounter.” How Al-Anon Works Chapter 1 * Tools for relieving obsessive thinking? * Detachment * Slogans: “How important is it?”, “One day at a time”, “Just for today”, “Let go and let God” * THINK / Pause (Courage to Change – Mar 4) Before I get into trouble, before I open my mouth to react, or get lost in obsessive analysis of another person’s behavior, or worrying about the future, I can Stop. Then I can Look at what is going on and my role in it. Then I can Listen for spiritual guidance that will remind me of my options and help me find healthy words and actions. * Letting go * Gratitude list * Often I’ll detour at a particular letter and find myself giving thanks for apples and alexandrites, apothecaries and astronauts, ants and anchovies, or bottles and bakeries, bumblebees and blueberries, bathtubs and brushes. The more overwhelming the problem I’m entertaining, the more my gratitude list helps me. First, by taking my mind off of my obsession, and second, by reminding me of the multitude of delightful and peculiar items in the world around me. (Having Had a Spiritual Awakening Chapter 8) * Think of something positive: “… when my thoughts race out of control, I need to stop. I may do this by breathing deeply and looking at my surroundings. It can help to replace the obsessive thoughts with something positive, such as an Al-Anon slogan, the Serenity Prayer, or another comforting topic that has nothing to do with my problem.” Courage to Change Nov 1. * Do something: listen to music, go for a walk, play a game, do a puzzle … * Serenity Prayer (praying for HP will) * ‘We can pray, “Am I too far gone, or can you help me get out of my isolated self-obsession?” We can say anything to God. It’s all prayer.’ Anne Lamott Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers (p. 5). * “God Box” * On a note, I write down the name of the person about whom I am so distressed or angry, or describe the situation that is killing me, with which I am so toxically, crazily obsessed, and I fold the note up, stick it in the box and close it. You might have a brief moment of prayer, and it might come out sounding like this: “Here. You think you’re so big? Fine. You deal with it. Although I have a few more excellent ideas on how best to proceed.” Help, Thanks, Wow (p. 36).

Do you hold a grudge? Why is this harmful? How can our program help let go of our resentments? * What is a “resentment”? * Why is it a problem? * Where do you find your resentments stem from? * Anger at a past injury? * Others not doing things “your way”? * One method of working Step 4 (“searching and fearless moral inventory”) starts by listing resentments. * Why do you think that is? * Why can this be a useful way of digging into our inventory? * The book How Al-Anon Works talks about resentment in the chapter titled “Detachment, Love, and Forgiveness”. * How do these tools help relieve our resentments? * What other tools do you use? * Gratitude * Inventory * Taking a fresh look — maybe the behavior has changed and I don’t recognize it Upcoming topics include Alateen, Parenting, and Obsessive Thinking. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links Psychology Today: 10 Steps to Letting go of Resentment Tiny Buddha: 4 Powerful Tips to Reduce Resentment and Feel Happier Music from the show Beyoncé: Resentment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXEAvxZPPR8 Matchbox Twenty: Disease Steven Curtis Chapman: Miracle of the Moment  

What is Al-Anon? Why do we, who don't have a drinking problem, need the 12 steps? In this “retro” episode, Spencer, Kelly, and Swetha talk about what brought us to Al-Anon, what we found, and why we keep coming. And, maybe, why Al-Anon might help you, too. Upcoming topics include resentment. What do you resent? How is that hurting you? And what can you do about it? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. A listener mentioned the book Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses . Music from the show Jeff Buckley: Hallelujah Michael Jackson: The Man in the Mirror  

This weekend, my wife and I attended March Roundup 2017, an AA convention in Dearborn, Michigan. In this episode, I reflect on that experience and hope to inspire you to attend an AA or Al-Anon convention in your area. Upcoming topics include obsessive thinking. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. A couple of listeners asked about online meetings. Here are some resources that I know of: In the Rooms is an online recovery community with a forum and a variety of online recovery meetings. I have participated in the Al-Anon meeting a few times. You can join from your computer with video or audio, according to your preference. The official Al-Anon website has listings of phone meetings and online meetings. This is not the talk that Tom W gave at the convention, but you might identify or at least chuckle if you listen to it.

I recently listened to this open talk from Buck N. I loved his “old school” Al-Anon, his straightforward presentation, and his sense of humor. I hope you do, too. Upcoming topics include the disease concept of alcoholism. Do you think that this idea gives your alcoholic loved one “an out”? What is your understanding of alcoholism as a disease? How has it changed (or not) your relationship with the alcoholic(s) in your life? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Diana shares a powerful story of recovery, of discovering her own feelings, and finding compassion and forgiveness for those who harmed her. Upcoming topics include obsessive thinking; Alateen; and parenting. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Our thanks to Nicole for music suggestions this week. Brandi Carlile: That Wasn't Me Chris Pureka: Wrecking Ball  

What does it mean to relapse in Al-Anon? Have you had an Al-Anon slip? What did you do to recover? * What is a “slip”? Is it just another word for “relapse”? * What do you think an “Al-Anon slip” is? * How do you know if you’re having (or if you had) one? * In AA, it’s “obvious”, but in Al-Anon, it’s more subtle. * What kinds of slips can you identify? * Controlling * Enabling * Emotional * Making another person your HP * Relate a story about a slip you had * A big one? * A little one? * How did it feel the same as before recovery? * How did it feel different? * What program tools did you use to recover from your slip? * How do you / can you detect that a slip is imminent and what can you do to prevent it? * What tools/slogans help? Upcoming topics include obsessive thinking. How does your obsession with others behavior (such as drinking) make your life unmanageable? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. In response to a listener question, we suggested episode 78: Stay or Go? Music from the show Paul Simon: Slip Slidin' Away https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_H-LY4Jb2M Carrie Underwood: Relapse Moby: Slipping Away

I hope you enjoy this open talk from Sherry S. I found wisdom and connection for myself. Upcoming topics include Alateen. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Why did I come to Al-Anon when I did? Or, to ask it a different way, why didn’t I come sooner? What made me ready? Why did I come to Al-Anon when I did? Or, why didn’t I come sooner? * Not understanding alcoholism. * I didn’t grow up with alcoholism * I thought my loved one’s behavior was a choice * So she just had to fix it. * Denying the problem. * It was her problem. * Not mine. * She just needed to “drink normally.” * Not seeing the problem. * My behavior was out of control. * But I couldn’t see that. * I didn’t connect my behavior to the alcoholism * Resistance * Therapists at treatment centers suggested it to me. * “Not my problem” * 12 steps were off-putting * I’m FINE * Not relating to the video on codependency * Shame and isolation * So, what happened? * A “moment of clarity” * Yet another “friends and family day” at yet another treatment center. * “YOU didn’t cause it, YOU can’t cure it, YOU can’t control it.” * Recognizing that it was NOT mine to fix. * Recognizing that I was miserable. * The “20 questions” * There are also questions for “adult children” and teens. * The “last resort” * What else is there? What can it hurt to try it? (Al-Anon) * Even then, I resisted. When a friend offered to take me to a meeting that night, I said “I need to think about it.” * I thought about it for maybe 30 seconds. * Did I get here “right on time”? * I’m glad I didn’t take longer to get here, anyway. Upcoming topics include Alateen, slogans, and parenting. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. In this episode, I mentioned the Intimacy open talks from last year. Several listeners wrote in about Steve L's talk on fear, faith, and surrender. One asked if there are other talks by him available. I found his talk on the Recovery Radio Network, where there are other talks by people named Steve L. (But I haven't listened to them to know if they are the by the same person.)

Do you get caught up in other people’s problems or emotions? Does the phrase “loving detachment” just baffle you? We start with a reading from an Al-Anon flyer titled Detachment. * What thoughts about detachment does the reading bring up for you? * When you first heard the word “detachment” in a meeting, what did you think it meant? * Did “detachment with love” make any sense to you at all? * What is the difference between detachment and distancing or separation? * Why do I get angry? Fear. Because I care. * Maybe I have to become “indifferent” when moving from anger to love. * What forms of detachment have you found/learned? * Emotional — my emotions are not ruled by someone else’s. * Detaching the person from their disease (How Al-Anon Works, Detachment section in Chapter 11): If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldn’t take it personally or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead, in our minds, we would probably separate the person from the illness, knowing that it was the illness, rather than our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment. * Detaching from outcomes * How has detachment helped you? * Treating others with more kindness and compassion. * Give a power greater than myself a space to come in. * Not getting “pulled down” * Being able to love the person while hating their actions * Finding forgiveness * More serenity. Upcoming topics include slogans (what's your favorite?), Alateen, and parenting. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Dirty Projectors: What I See Ray LaMontagne: Empty Fiona Apple: Across the Universe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXE1C–WezU    

Steve L shares his thoughts about fear, faith, and surrender in this AA talk. What did this talk bring up for you? What thoughts do you have? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Solange: Cranes in the Sky In this episode of Song Exploder, Solange talks about how she came to write the song.