The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

In this recording from the 2010 AA Woodstock of the South, Bob B, Polly P, Ralph W, Michael E, Bill R, and Linda B share their experiences of family recovery in Al-Anon and AA. Upcoming topics include parenting. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your experience, strength and hope. Our contact page has more information about joining our conversation. Or just leave a comment right here.  

As we enter into a season where many of us are celebrating an end of the year holiday — Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, New Year — what expectations do we have? What anxieties does this season provoke? Do you look forward to spending time with family, or dread it? Or are you spending this time alone? How can expectations be deadly, this time of the year? * By expecting it to be just like it was. * By having unrealistic expectations. * This year, everyone will be happy and glad to spend time together. * Dreading family dysfunction. * How can we set realistic expectations or let go of expectations? * How can we protect our serenity? * What can we do differently? I was inspired, in part, to this topic by the following article in the June, 2017 issue of the Forum, which reminded me of an experience I had when I was just a couple of years into recovery. I Asked God To Guide My Words By Anonymous One of the countless new skills I began to learn when I came to Al-Anon was managing my expectations. My need to improve in this area was especially evident whenever I was anticipating a visit with my alcoholic son, who lives in another part of the country. Beforehand, I would build up the visit in my mind’s eye, picturing our family laughing together, doing fun things, talking easily and affectionately about our lives. But it was never like that. Conversation was constantly strained. It was hard to find any safe topics. Our son didn’t seem to want to talk about his work, social life, whether he was working his program or much of anything else. He wasn’t particularly interested in doing any of the things I thought would be fun. My rosy expectations bore absolutely no resemblance to what really took place. As a result, these visits left me feeling hurt, disappointed, frustrated, sad, regretful, hopeless and even a little angry. I definitely had to get my head into a better place. With my Sponsor’s guidance, I began to study Al-Anon literature on the topic of expectations. I soon discovered that there is a close relationship between my expectations and my level of acceptance—or lack thereof—regarding the circumstances of my life. My expectations were unrealistic because I had not truly accepted the realities of my son’s life and their impact on mine. I was simply turning a blind eye to how things really were—not denial, but not full acceptance either. In preparation for the most recent visit, I armed myself with lots of study, prayer, reflection, writing in my journal and a commitment to constantly seek my Higher Power’s guidance. I literally asked God to guide every word I said and everything I did. While I hoped the visit would be, at the very least, pleasant and congenial, I no longer harbored glowing images that had no roots in reality. The visit went better than any of the previous ones, and afterward I felt somewhat at peace. There had been times of real connection and other periods when each of us just went our own way, giving each other plenty of space. I relaxed and didn’t try to force things into a mold that would never fit our life. I hope future visits will be even better, but I’m grateful to have learned a new way of dealing with my expectations that I can apply to all areas of my life. Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA I'm planning some episodes about parenting, but I need your help. Share your experience as the sober parent. What have you learned about being a parent to your alcoholic or addict child? How has recovery changed how you are a parent? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with experience, strength and hope. Our contact page has more info...

Do you have trouble trusting other people? Do you have people you trust?  How do you know they are trustworthy? * What is trust? * firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. (Dictionary.com) * Do you have or have had trouble trusting other people? * Do you have people you trust?  How do you know they are trustworthy? * Do you have a Higher Power you can trust? * What is the difference between trust and faith or is there a difference? * If we developed an ability to trust, how have we done that?  with meetings?  the program/steps?  the tools? slogans? (I find that each of these has a role in developing trust). * Can you trust yourself? * Can others trust you? * When I don’t trust someone what am I feeling? * Fear. * Fear of being judged – ties in with perfectionism, low self esteem, unloveable * Fear of being hurt – emotionally, physically, intentionally and unintentionally. * Trust to me is having the confidence that another person is not going to harm me intentionally. * Sometimes the lack of trust is an issue on my side of the street * Sometimes the other person has not shown themselves to be trustworthy * Often I would assume that I couldn’t trust someone to be thoughtful of me because of my past experiences or my way of thinking. * Slogans / Tools for building trust: * One Step/Day at a Time (Tincture of Time) * Act as If in less important situations * Keep an Open Mind (helps with jumping to conclusions, esp. About negative intent) * Let it begin with me * Building others' trust in me * Traditions – learning to co-exist with others * Concepts – learning to work in an organization Upcoming topics include parenting, being the sober parent, and being the parent of an addict or alcoholic. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Trust in Me – Stewart Holloway from the Jungle Book movie Trust – Christina Perri Olivia O'Brien – Trust Issues

The first episode of The Recovery Show was posted to the internet on Dec 10, 2012. It’s hard to believe that we are now 5 years and 227 episodes in. What has 5 years of podcasting meant to me? What has it meant to you? * How did it happen? * 6 years ago — the only “podcasts” I listened to were NPR shows like “Car Talk” and “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me”. * I first heard about recovery podcasts from my friend Mark, who produces “Recovered” * I asked him to be my sponsor in early 2012, and he said “would you like to be in my podcast?”  I had to think about it! * Started guest hosting in Recovered Spring 2012. * Said “we should do an Al-Anon episode”. Mark responded “You should do an Al-Anon podcast!” What?! * Thought about it. Talked to some friends about it. Decided to give it a try. * Early December 2012, Kelli, Swetha, and I recorded our first “pilot” episode with a conversation about boundaries. The audio quality was not good, but we decided to post it anyway. * I bought some microphones and a mixer, and by episode 4, we decided it was no longer a “pilot.” * During the next 11 months we consistently had 3 hosts for each episode, and sometimes an additional guest. * Changes! * In October, 2012, Kelli and Swetha decided they could not continue with the podcast. * What to do!? * Episode 47, “Changes” records my reaction, as I tried to draw on my program tools, and move forward. * I was challenged to find co-hosts, because I thought I needed to keep the conversational format we had developed in the preceding 11 months. * Bringing in remote co-hosts. * First remote co-host in episode 55 with Ruth from Germany! * First solo episode: 66 “codependency”.  Challenging myself to do it differently, feeling insufficient. * Later feedback is that people like both formats. * Struggles * Consistency: format, schedule * Finding co-hosts * Keeping track of requests and offers! * Expectations — particularly what I expect you expect of me! * Gratitudes * That Mark suggested it * That Kelli and Swetha were consistent co-hosts, co-creators in the first year. * For all of you who express your gratitude to me. * For all of you who contribute your ESH to the show. * Especially for those who have co-hosted, or who have offered to co-host, even when I lost track of your offer. * To Ruth and Akilah, who were my co-hosts for the Traditions and Concepts episodes. * For your questions and topic suggestions. * How has my recovery benefited? * I have to “dive deep” into a recovery topic almost every week. * I have to move outside my comfort zone, to reach out to co-hosts and ask them for the gift of their time. * The “Step 10 inventory” aspect of “our week in recovery”. * What now? * Keep on as we have done? * What changes would you like to see? * Episode formats: conversation, solo, speaker.  What else? Upcoming episodes include 3 parenting topics: being the sober parent in an alcoholic marriage, parenting an addict or alcoholic child, and parenting in general. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Lori McKenna – Drinkin' Problem Michael Jackson – Man in the Mirror Sam Cooke – A Change is Gonna Come

I asked you to share your gratitude with me. Many of you did so, and this episode highlights your voices and your gratitudes. I also put together a playlist on Spotify, included below, that doesn't even scratch the surface of the songs about gratitude and thankfulness. I'm sure I missed your favorite, so please email your suggestion (or comment below). Next week's episode will mark 5 years of The Recovery Show. I will be looking back over the last 5 years. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Darius Rucker: This  

* What challenges have you found, as an adult child of an alcoholic, in parenting your own children? * What program tools have you used, and how have they helped? * What is your biggest challenge now? Several listeners shared their experience around these and similar questions. Some challenges were * Not controlling. * Anger * Impatience * “Hurt people hurt people” And some tools for better parenting include these: * Step 10 — apologize and make amends to our children. * Demonstrate humility and honesty — see it in the children * Tradition 11 — let it begin with me (attraction rather than promotion) * Tradition 1 — unity — guard against dominance — not about “me” but about the family * Tradition 2 — a trusted servant (a trustee) to the children — they have their own higher power * Tradition 4 — autonomy except where it affects others * Tradition 10 — no opinion on outside issues — let the child dress how she or he wants to dress * Tradition 7 — self supporting — allow children opportunity to be self supporting to build dignity, respect, responsibility. * Concepts of service — shared responsibility (co-parenting) * We love the presentation in the Reaching for Personal Freedom workbook, because it helps us understand how we can use the Traditions and Concepts in our own lives, in our families, and other relationships. * Step 11 — “I don’t own my children, God owns them” — need knowledge of God’s will. * Easy does it * How important is it? * Detaching with love. * “Don’t argue with alcoholics, toddlers, and terrorists.” * Let them express emotions without needing to change them * Sharing program with children. * “What am I hurt about?” * Pause — the “Al-Anon breath” Our topic for next week is gratitude. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com to share something you are grateful for today. Music from the show DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince – Parents Just Don't Understand John Mayer – Daughters Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young – Teach your Children  

As we approach the US holiday of Thanksgiving, I naturally think about the things I am grateful for. What are you grateful for? Here are some things I am grateful for * That I have a program of recovery. * Our dog is a sweetheart, so loving. * That my adult children choose to spend time with me and share their life with me. * Although it snowed Thursday evening, on Friday morning it was sunny and pretty. * That, as a sponsee reminded me, I have a roof over my head, a furnace that works, and a warm blanket. * That you share your experience, strength, and hope with me and with the other listeners of this podcast. You make the podcast better and stronger by your presence. What are you grateful for? Call or email with one thing you are grateful for this year, this month, or just today. Or, if you wish, share a gratitude list with us. I will compile your responses into an episode to be published on the US Thanksgiving weekend (last weekend in November). Please send your contribution by November 25, 2017. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. I read a bit from this Vox article about the Netflix show Jessica Jones, and its depiction of drug use and addiction.

I got a lot from this open talk by Sally C, speaking in 1984. A couple highlights from her talk: She found exactly what she was looking for in her first meeting… But what was it? What we think and what is real are two far different things … this is why maybe they shouldn't have that slogan around that says “think, think, think”! What event lead her to this realization? What was the result?  

How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity and my life? Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my Higher Power? How? How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior? Spencer reflects on these questions. How would you answer these questions? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Jamila Woods: Holy  

We present for you an open talk by Fran G., speaking in 1991.

How have you experienced courage in your recovery? Which steps required courage of you? How has recovery given you courage to change the things you can? * We use the word “courage” a lot in this program. Most of our meetings start with the serenity prayer: God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference * What does the word “courage” mean to you? * In the past? * Now? * When were some moments in which you found “the courage to change the things you can”? * Coming into your first Al-Anon meeting? * Sharing in a meeting? * Calling another Al-Anon member? * Asking someone to be your sponsor? * Setting (and holding to) a boundary? * Not enabling your loved one. * Taking your 4th step inventory? * Sharing your “wrongs” with someone in the 5th step? * Making amends? * How have you found courage in recovery? * Faith and trust in the program, sponsor, higher power. * Little steps lead to confidence in bigger steps. * Finding the courage live your own life with your authentic truth. (24 hours at a time.) * Step 11 “power to carry that out” == courage Upcoming topics include parenting. As an adult child of an alcoholic, how can you not pass that on to your own children? What have you learned in recovery about being a better parent? Or, alternatively, what is your experience as the parent of an alcoholic or addict? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. A listener called, looking for an e-book version of the Blueprint for Recovery 4th step workbook. To my knowledge, this is not (yet) available in electronic format. Some Al-Anon literature is available as E-Books. A variety of small publications are also available for free download from the Al-Anon website. Music from the show The Killers: Rut Fleetwood Mac: Landslide The Wizard of Oz: If I only had the Nerve

Do you find yourself seeking perfection? Do you procrastinate because you can't achieve it? Or, maybe, you are paralyzed because of it. We explore the 3 P's, guided by the questions below and with shares from listeners. * How do Perfection, Procrastination, and Paralysis connect to each other? * How have I experienced perfection(ism) in my life? * How (and why) do I procrastinate? * What is the payoff from procrastinating? * When do I experience paralysis? * What behaviors do I exhibit then? * How can I use the “6 P’s”(from our book Paths to Recovery) of Step six?  Thanks to Cleaning Out the Old Toolbox blog for these reflections: * Perspective: think of defects of character as “survival skills that no longer serve me”. Since my Higher Power wants more for me than mere survival, I can let them go and trust that I will develop healthy behaviors and thinking. * Pain: Whenever the pain of staying the same hurts more than the pain of change, that’s the time when I will be ready. * Prayer: My part is to pray for openness & willingness; God’s part is to do the removing. * Patience: God gets to choose when and how fast He will remove my defects of character. * Process: Quite possibly, this is a grief process of denial, anger, bargaining and depression. * Payoff: The bottom line–what am I getting out of holding on to some of these defects of character? What is still good about it? * How can I let go of 3 P’s? * Slogans * Progress, not perfection * First things first * How Important is it? * Do the next right thing. * Keep it simple. * Easy does it. * Let go and let God. * Steps * Step 4 — identify my character traits * Step 5 — be honest about them! * Step 6 — become ready to let go of what is not helping me * Step 7 — Ask for the help (and practise new behavior) * Acceptance that nothing is/will be perfect. Ever. * Gratitude Our upcoming topic is courage. The word courage appears in the serenity prayer, from which the title of one of our daily meditation books was taken: Courage to Change. How have you experienced courage in your recovery? Which steps required courage of you? How has recovery given you courage to change the things you can? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Episodes mentioned in this show are: Episode 203, Adult Children of Alcoholics; Episode 200, Daddy's Medicine; and Episode 22, Parents' Roundtable. Music from the show The Exciters: Tell Him Elvis Presley: A Little Less Conversation Forest: Much Ado about Nothing  

I really enjoyed and connected with this open talk by Charlotte I. I hope you do, too. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

An Al-Anon open talk presented by Spencer T, host of The Recovery Show, in September, 2017. The talk has the “traditional” structure: What was it like? What happened? What is it like now? It includes reflections on: * Learning at a young age that it was my responsibility to “fix” everyone's problems. * Learning codependent behavior — that I could not be happy unless everyone around me was happy. * What happens when these behaviors meet up with alcoholism? (Hint: it's not pretty.) * How long did it take before I finally realized I needed help? And that Al-Anon might be the place to find it? * What did early recovery look like for me? * How did I find an answer to that question that plagues so many of us: “Should I stay or should I go?” * What did the steps look like when I first encountered them? What do they mean to me now? * How has recovery helped and supported me in all aspects of my life? Please consider sharing your story for our upcoming 5-year anniversary episode in early December, 2017. See our contact page for information on how you can contribute your voice. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

A member asked another member to be their sponsor. The response was, “Are you willing to do what I did for as long as I did it to get what I have?” What would your answer be? Where does that willingness come from? * Definition * What does this word mean to me today? * How is that different from how I understood it in the past? * Where does willingness appear in the Steps? * Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. * Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. * But also: Step 4 — willingness to look deeply at ourselves. * Step 5 and 6 — willingness to change. * Step 11 — willingness to deepen our relationship with a higher power. * In fact, we can find it in all the steps! * Eric noted that you can put the word “willing” in front of each step: Step 1, “Became willing to admit we were powerless…”, etc. * Acronym: HOW — Honest, Open, and Willing. This is HOW the program of recovery works. * How did I become willing? * Examples of others — your stories of using the principles of the program in your own recovery helped me be willing to try them for myself. * Pain — “hitting bottom” over and over in different ways. Eventually willing to try something, anything new. A few tidbits from the episode: Psychology Today article: 5 Ways to Really Get Closer to Each Other Phone meetings web site. And the quote from Marilyn Monroe that Spencer mentioned: “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Prince: Willing and Able Jason Mraz: I'm Yours Rush: One Little Victory