Bad Movie Podcast

Dr. Drake has come to conduct a scientific study of the local fish life and notices an unusual amount of chemicals have createdmutated fish-like creatures that actually are in the process of mating with the female population of humans in the town. When the humanoids from the deep attack the townsfolk at the annual salmon fest many of the conflicts that divide the people are overcome in the effort to band together to fight the monsters.

On the mysterious Planet X, everything is numbered. The monster is Zero. You on Earth know him as King Ghee-dora. Astronauts Glen and Fuji are sent to the dark side of Jupiter, to visit Planet X. After being introduced to the population of computer controlled beat-nik clones in the coolest alien costumes ever, a deal is struck to loan the aliens Godzilla and Rodan, so they can control their Monster Zero problem. Will the aliens turn out to be full of crap? Are they going to invade? Will they use radio waves to mind control all three monsters to stomp Tokyo flat? YOU BET. Earth's only hope lies with a metrosexual with a shrieking alarm disguised as a make-up compact. We're not kidding. Welcome to Monster Zero.

What the hell happened here? I still can't figure this out. A quick synopsis: There are soldiers in the jungle and they come upon a coffin with a snake on it. So they start shooting at the snake with their assault rifles. Another handful of snakes is literally thrown out of the coffin by some roadie. Then things get stupid. Vampires jump up out of coffins, and start kung fu fighting with the soldiers. It is revealed that there's "drug boss" who resembles Gabe Kaplan from Welcome Back Kotter more than a little, and he has hired the vampires to protect his drugs from "that god damn anti-drug agent Tom!" Yeah. Tom later becomes Robocop. Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HKc8aXy1Ro Cut to a scene straight out of the martial arts comedy "Mr. Vampire". Chinese hopping vampires with post-it notes stuck to their foreheads are being cared for (ranched?) by some lackeys and a taoist wizard. They're stuffing "drugs" into their coffins for safe keeping. Meanwhile, in the "rambo movie" there's a shootout between commandos and drug cartel guys. Some dude gets killed. Cut to a scene in a hospital. There's a battery tester on the table blinking + (beep) + (beep) + (beep) + (beep) then red --- bzzzzzzz. He's dead, Jim! Actual dialogue from the movie: Soldier 1: How's Tom? Doctor: He didn't make it, his injuries were too great. Soldier 1: Damn. Hey Soldier 2, I want to use his corpse to construct an android-like robot in a secret program. I would appreciate you approving my application. Soldier 2: Are you assured of success? Soldier 1: Yes! Soldier 2: Then your application is approved! But keep it a secret, m'kay? Here's that scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qrtQsxmIoU Cut to the hospital room. People are flipping knobs and holding up pieces of old HAM radio equipment. Someone has a mannequin leg painted silver. The "doctor" takes out a bic lighter and lights a sparkler - yes, that thing you give kids and drunks on 4th of July - and proceeds to use it to "weld the robot together." Robocop looks a lot like a tinfoil wrapped baked potato carrying an M60 machine gun. Yeah, pretty much that. Cut back to drug lords. "We're changing our cover story. Instead of smuggling drugs we're now smuggling bodies!" What? And hey, why is there a cow being hoisted by crane off the drug lord yacht? OH MY GOD. Cut to interior of animal slaughterhouse. Some woman slices open the belly of a REAL COW. Let me say again A REAL COW is cut open. They proceed to stuff bags of "drugs" inside the cow. It's still twitching. I hope it was a dead cow and someone was shoving at it from off camera to make it look like it was twitching. Once stuffed into a drug pinjata, they start sewing the cow up. This is never again referenced in the rest of the movie. WTF was this shit for? Cut back to the vampire movie. Ya know, this movie has more bad cuts than an emo kid on Livejournal. Robocop stands up. The sound effects guys are using a cordless drill for the robotic sound effects. Zzzzzzzt Zzzzzzt Zzzzzzzzt! Now, I cannot possibly describe what this looks like. You have to have seen the youtube clip above. The box art on the video looks like this: Liar liar, robot pants on FIRE! Meanwhile, in the vampire lair... a topless ghost shows up and starts kicking ass. The wizard summons up his gorilla headed vampire beast - who we have learned is "Peter" the ghost's lover. She goes on an epic rant about their forbidden love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-SGXZM13ig Then, probably the best fight in the movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_VIAeuQczs Ok, so now, the ghost and vampire will be married, the drugs are safe, and everybody's gonna be happy. Well, that is until Robotato shows up. Then this exciting chase breaks out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyugGbyjSvI I've seen more thrilling sack races at the family reunion. Then the final confrontation, which looks a lot like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtXgYnajv6k

It has been given to us to know… From the sky will come the Black Fortress. From the Fortress will come the Slayers to devour the planet of Krull. Then shall a girl of ancient name become queen…she shall choose a king…and together they shall rule the planet. And their son shall rule the galaxy. Yeah, I guess that happened. Flying horses, jell-o lava, and the best weapon prop in a movie since the light saber – which doesn’t get used but for once at the very end.

Man, we should have waited to do this one until we’d perfected our format, because now we’re going to have to revisit this later and do this movie the justice it deserves. Well… actually, I just want to watch Josh blow out a rib laughing himself off the couch again. Seriously, he nearly needed oxygen about halfway through this film.

Our first attempt at a podcast. Aszurom, Josh and Joan sit down with Jane Fonda's oversexed space epic... Barbarella. From IMDB: After an in-flight anti-gravity striptease (masked by the film's opening titles), Barbarella, a 41st century astronaut, lands on the planet Lythion and sets out to find the evil Durand Durand in the city of Sogo, where a new sin is invented every hour. There, she encounters such objects as the Exessive Machine, a genuine sex organ on which an accomplished artist of the keyboard, in this case, Durand Durand himself, can drive a victim to death by pleasure, a lesbian queen who, in her dream chamber, can make her fantasies take form, and a group of ladies smoking a giant hookah which, via a poor victim struggling in its glass globe, dispenses Essance of Man. You can't help but be impressed by the special effects crew and the various ways that were found to tear off what few clothes our heroine seemed to possess. Based on the popular French comic strip.