Summary: What the hell happened here? I still can't figure this out. A quick synopsis: There are soldiers in the jungle and they come upon a coffin with a snake on it. So they start shooting at the snake with their assault rifles. Another handful of snakes is literally thrown out of the coffin by some roadie. Then things get stupid. Vampires jump up out of coffins, and start kung fu fighting with the soldiers. It is revealed that there's "drug boss" who resembles Gabe Kaplan from Welcome Back Kotter more than a little, and he has hired the vampires to protect his drugs from "that god damn anti-drug agent Tom!" Yeah. Tom later becomes Robocop. Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HKc8aXy1Ro Cut to a scene straight out of the martial arts comedy "Mr. Vampire". Chinese hopping vampires with post-it notes stuck to their foreheads are being cared for (ranched?) by some lackeys and a taoist wizard. They're stuffing "drugs" into their coffins for safe keeping. Meanwhile, in the "rambo movie" there's a shootout between commandos and drug cartel guys. Some dude gets killed. Cut to a scene in a hospital. There's a battery tester on the table blinking + (beep) + (beep) + (beep) + (beep) then red --- bzzzzzzz. He's dead, Jim! Actual dialogue from the movie: Soldier 1: How's Tom? Doctor: He didn't make it, his injuries were too great. Soldier 1: Damn. Hey Soldier 2, I want to use his corpse to construct an android-like robot in a secret program. I would appreciate you approving my application. Soldier 2: Are you assured of success? Soldier 1: Yes! Soldier 2: Then your application is approved! But keep it a secret, m'kay? Here's that scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qrtQsxmIoU Cut to the hospital room. People are flipping knobs and holding up pieces of old HAM radio equipment. Someone has a mannequin leg painted silver. The "doctor" takes out a bic lighter and lights a sparkler - yes, that thing you give kids and drunks on 4th of July - and proceeds to use it to "weld the robot together." Robocop looks a lot like a tinfoil wrapped baked potato carrying an M60 machine gun. Yeah, pretty much that. Cut back to drug lords. "We're changing our cover story. Instead of smuggling drugs we're now smuggling bodies!" What? And hey, why is there a cow being hoisted by crane off the drug lord yacht? OH MY GOD. Cut to interior of animal slaughterhouse. Some woman slices open the belly of a REAL COW. Let me say again A REAL COW is cut open. They proceed to stuff bags of "drugs" inside the cow. It's still twitching. I hope it was a dead cow and someone was shoving at it from off camera to make it look like it was twitching. Once stuffed into a drug pinjata, they start sewing the cow up. This is never again referenced in the rest of the movie. WTF was this shit for? Cut back to the vampire movie. Ya know, this movie has more bad cuts than an emo kid on Livejournal. Robocop stands up. The sound effects guys are using a cordless drill for the robotic sound effects. Zzzzzzzt Zzzzzzt Zzzzzzzzt! Now, I cannot possibly describe what this looks like. You have to have seen the youtube clip above. The box art on the video looks like this: Liar liar, robot pants on FIRE! Meanwhile, in the vampire lair... a topless ghost shows up and starts kicking ass. The wizard summons up his gorilla headed vampire beast - who we have learned is "Peter" the ghost's lover. She goes on an epic rant about their forbidden love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-SGXZM13ig Then, probably the best fight in the movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_VIAeuQczs Ok, so now, the ghost and vampire will be married, the drugs are safe, and everybody's gonna be happy. Well, that is until Robotato shows up. Then this exciting chase breaks out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyugGbyjSvI I've seen more thrilling sack races at the family reunion. Then the final confrontation, which looks a lot like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtXgYnajv6k
