How to Glow: The Jewish Woman's Marriage Boost show

How to Glow: The Jewish Woman's Marriage Boost

Summary: The podcast where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams. Marriage coach Kayla Levin takes married Jewish women from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration and more than a little self awareness along the way. Whether you are newly married, considering marriage, or have been married for years, I will share with you a powerful framework to help you get the most enjoyment and fulfillment from your relationships--and ultimately, your own growth. Find out more & join to get live coaching at https://kaylalevin.com

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 Ep. 59 - Talking About Your Feelings - Listener Q&A | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 00:29:52

This week I'm taking your questions about sharing your FEELINGS with your husband! Question #1: HOW do I share my feelings with my husband, and how do I create a relationship where we can do that? Answer: First of all, STOP and be absolutely sure that you aren't sharing your feelings in an effort to change him! We always want to be responsible for our OWN feelings, so you must stop and do some thought work and figure this out. Sharing your feelings so that he'll change is, essentially, manipulation, which of course none of us want to do. (If you need support on the thought work piece, go to www.firstyearmarried.com and watch video #1 of my course!) Question #2: How do you separate frustrations in a conversation and say it in a way that your spouse can understand the REASONS for your frustration? Answer: If your frustration is with him, you want to start by taking care of your own emotional well-being (see above).  "As long as he's responsible for how you're feeling, you're really limited." Beyond that, sometimes we need to actually plan out a conversation with our husband. Let's say your life is set up in a way that you're not getting enough sleep. First, work on the resentment piece. Then you can come to the conversation with openness and belief that the two of you can find a solution. To hear my interviews with Alison Armstrong where we talked about our husbands' problem-solving abilities, go here. Question #3: What do I do about a husband who can't access his own feelings and frustration? Answer: Focus on your lane. His feelings and thoughts are HIS lane, not yours. So question how YOU want to show up in this situation. What's your story about how he's acting? Why is it a problem? Actually get this down on paper. Question #4: If something bothers you about how your spouse deals with disciplining the kids, how do you communicate that? Answer: Women often have more experience with kids coming into a marriage, so we often see ourselves as the authority. So first of all, go back to the business partner model. Is it possible this highly respected partner might have another good idea? Possibly even a better idea? Could I maybe be wrong about this? He's different from you by design. Question #5: I always hear about your feelings are not your thoughts and the other way around, but how do we work on internalizing this? Answer: There's a difference between processing a feeling and just thinking a thought over and over. This is described clearly in Episode 58, "When You Can't Get Over It." Question #6: I'd love to get help with first identifying the feelings--like, what am I even feeling right now? Answer: It's just a vocabulary problem. You can literally Google "list of feelings" or "synonyms for sad." It is helpful, but don't worry about not being there yet.

 Ep. 58 - When You Can't Get Over It | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 00:21:23

I was working with a client and she was stuck on the idea of being authentic with our feelings while at the same time taking responsibility for them and choosing what I call “helpful thoughts.” So this week we're going to talk about the difference between processing our feelings and holding onto our feelings. The easiest way is to think of it as sensations vs words. Thoughts are words (sentences, usually), and feelings are physical sensations. We read the tight shoulders and clenched stomach as anxiety or anger. Focus on what the body is experiencing. We’re told to process our emotions, not to ignore how we feel, to honor our feelings, but we need to get really clear on what that means. Going in thought circles... ruminating on that one horrible thing or that offensive thing she/he said... that's not feeling your feelings. That's just having a thought and getting really attached to it being true and having that thought over and over until you can't see your way out of it. This week I'm teaching you how to process a feeling. The deeper question I think is really, when is it a feeling and when is it intuition? If I know that I’m responsible for my feelings, does that mean I can’t ever use them to help guide me? How do I know the difference? Your intuitive sense is not urgent. It is calm and clear. It doesn’t speak to you in rules like “he shouldn’t” or accusations like, “how dare he” or desperate questions like “how can I possibly not be hurt or be happy like this?” Trust that when you quiet the screaming, loud, urgent emotions, that inner voice will certainly come up for you.

 Ep. 57 - Do Your Homework | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 00:15:29

Welcome to the episode where I bonk you on the head my friends! So many of you are rocking the intellectual game with this thought work.  You see it in your friends and family. You know your recurring thoughts. You are even seeing some changes in how you show up. But you have NOT taken out a pen and paper and actually done the heavy lifting! I get it... until you've done it, it doesn't seem that important.  Trust me on this one. So this week I'm going to walk you through what exactly you can do to take this work deeper. What exactly to do with said pen and paper. Can't wait to see what comes next for you. For more help with this, watch the free class at www.firstyearmarried.com

 Ep. 56 - The Marriage You Want / Should I Get a Divorce? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 00:31:05

2019 was the year of the podcast at First Year Married (we passed 40k!!!). I’ve been honored to meet you, to have your sisters and friends get hooked, to introduce this work I’m so passionate about. Thank you everyone!!  2020 is going to be the year of group coaching. It’s time to take this work and really dive deep and apply it. Improving our marriages improves every area of our life, and it’s the best place to work on this thought work, which is then a piece of cake to apply elsewhere in our lives.  Group Coaching Details: NOT just for newlyweds (and therefore I need name ideas) Monthly focus video Worksheets and journal pages Twice monthly calls Whatsapp group Sign up at FirstYearMarried.com/course -- all participants get 3 months of group coaching for free, then can continue on from there! The Marriage You Want. Here's what I hear... My husband is great but still want a divorce I don't want a divorce, but he drives me crazy I'm not showing up how I want, I get in a funk or I'm mean I'm not measuring up to the wife I have in mind, the one who always has a clean house, makes delicious meals, never gets angry, always feels loving -- even if intellectually I know that’s all ridiculous Here’s the thing. If you are unhappy in your marriage it's ALWAYS because of your THOUGHTS. Example: husband not helping "If he’d only be more involved... if he’d do what I needed... if he’d tell me to get to bed when I’m obviously falling apart..." So let’s say you cook a delicious dinner. You leave work even though you’d rather stay and finish a few things up, shlep to the store, get all the ingredients from this fancy Pinterest recipe you found, slave in the kitchen, you’re starving because now it’s already 8 PM and he’s come in three times to sniff around… and now he reaches into the cabinet and takes out a box of crackers and sits down on the couch to eat them. Now you’re fuming, you’re resentful, what’s happening here? You're cooking, and he's eating. That's it. This is all about awareness. It really does feel like he’s the problem, I know. And the obvious solution is -- at least in theory -- to switch him out for a newer model. But here’s the thing-- wherever you go, there you are. So even if you ultimately make a choice to end the marriage, even if I give you that, don’t do it because you haven’t taken responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t do it because your brain is running wild and you aren’t paying attention. Don't forget to sign up for the free course at FirstYearMarried.com/course or watch the free introductory video at FirstYearMarried.com

 Ep. 55 - Money Dates with Yael Trusch of Jewish Latin Princess | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 00:41:01

Get Yael's free Money Dates PDF at jewishlatinprincess.com/moneydate This week I had the pleasure of inviting Yael Trusch, host of Jewish Latin Princess who is sharing the amazing concept of Money Dates. Yael has a background in finance and is now an author and inspirational speaker, so she brings the vision from one world to the practical of the other! Money is one of the main sources of stress for couples, and often we struggle to have these conversations. While the impulse may be to avoid these conversations, Yael shows us how carving out the time actually helps make it easier to discuss money. And it's not just about counting dollars. Yael brings in values, vision, and dreams, and shows us how the way we spend our money can become a reflection of our deepest values. So what's a money date? A money date is specific time you carved out in the calendar to speak about your finances. Yael suggests discussing it on a global level first--what lessons did you learn from your family? How has your experience with money been so far?--and then gradually adding in budgeting, investing, and planning. Follow Yael at www.jewishlatinprincess.com and on Instagram @jewishlatinprincess Download the free PDF: www.jewishlatinprincess.com/moneydate

 Ep. 54 - Feel More Love | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 578

This week sharing one of my favorite Jewish ideas, which I was reminded of by a Tony Robbins quote. Who... last I checked... was most definitely not a rabbi

 Ep. 53 - When Should I Go to Marriage Counseling? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 2860

This week I have Simone Sobel, an Atlanta-based couples counselor and trauma therapist on, to discuss some important and common questions about couples therapy: When is it time to go see a couples therapist? What red flags do newlyweds need to know about that may indicate that their husband might have a personality disorder or they may be in an abusive relationship? How to find a good couples therapist? What to expect when you go to a couples therapist? Is it ever too late for couples therapy? How to know if couples therapy is working? How do you decide who to go to between a therapist, a coach, or a mentor or religious advisor? Simone says that marriage classes and coaching are a great foundation for any couple, teaching psycho-educational tools that are beneficial to everyone, even if they’ve been married a long time. When is it time to go see a couples therapist? There are lots of common reasons that couples come to couples therapy. Communication is very poor (ie, they can never get on the same page about a certain issue, or there is stonewalling, chronic defensiveness, hyper-criticism, etc.) Breach of trust in the marriage (ex, one partner spending a lot of money in secret or looking at pornography) Devestating or dificult life events (losing a job, health crisis, loss of a child or parent) Lifecycle change (retirement, new baby, empty nest, a major move) Negative cycles that aren’t going away and you need outside help. Fine tuning a good relationship (no, there don’t have to be major issues to go to a therapist!) Spiritual mentors can be very helpful for spiritual based issues, and often they give very good guidance and advice. If you find you are going again and again to your priest, rabbi, etc., and aren’t making progress, that would be a time to consider a therapist. What are some red flags that your husband may have a psychological or personality issue or disorder? If a woman feels consistantly criticized and put down in a way that makes him/her feel insecure, demaned, or shamed. Ongoing provocation, even with a calm or apologetic period between cycles, are considered a cycle of abuse. If your husband is trying to isolate you from your friends, this is a red flag. If your spouse can never take responsibility for an issue, this is also a red flag. Kayla’s note: friends are not the best place to “diagnose” your husband. A therapist will be able to distinguish between normal human misbehavior and serious dysfunction or abuse. Simone: Find one person to speak with, more of a mentor, who is supportive. A coach or therapist can be neutral and non-judgemental. Couples can get into negative cycles and say mean things to each other, but it’s not necessarily abusive. Read more on the First Year Married website.

 Ep. 52 - Getting Regular Help from Your Husband | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 1169

This week I'm answering a much-asked question: how do I get my husband to help out REGULARLY, not just as "helping" me? We've discussed some of these concepts before, especially in Episode 30 - Just Ask! and Episode 30 - What It Means to Give, Interview With The Husband Part 2, but I've never taken the time to do a full, dedicated episode to this issue. And it really is an issue. The ideas of helping, housework, equally divided responsibility, are all loaded for many of us. And more than that, they strongly play into some of the main differences between men and women.  How is enthusiasm perceived by men vs. women? What motivates men to want to help? Why do we hate to ask for help? Why do we feel threatened if it's not clear that it's all FAIR? I'd love to hear your thoughts! Email me  at kayla (at) firstyearmarried.com or drop me a line on Instagram @firstyearmarried You can also access my FREE class in which I teach you all about how to use coaching tools to COACH YOURSELF on your marriage. Pretty cool, right? You can get that at www.firstyearmarried.com

 Ep. 51 - Interview with Alison Armstrong - Part 2 | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 1992

Alison Armstrong is BACK for the second half of our interview together! Here are some highlights from this week's episode: "Honey we have an issue" --why these are dreaded words to a man "Women are very motivated by upset, they don't want to upset anybody. So we try to motivate men to change by telling hem how upset we are. And it doesn't work at all. And we don't notice it doesn't work at all."  - Alison Armstrong How to make the shift from complaining to getting help solving your problems. Breaking down "self care" into something actionable. Identifying your favorite feelings and becoming self-sufficient in providing them for yourself. For some of us... learning to be an adult while also being a newlywed. How men see beauty so differently than we do. Finally, a life lesson from her beloved late husband, Greg. Thank you, Alison, for taking the time to share your wisdom with us! For more from Alison Armstrong, you can find her at www.understandmen.com

 Ep. 50 - Interview with Alison Armstrong - Part 1 | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 1904

This week's episode is truly special. When Noah and I sat down to discuss who would be our absolute dream podcast guests, Alison Armstrong topped the list. Her work has been transformative for hundreds of men and women, as she takes the most confusing and frustrating differences between us and makes them crystal clear with humor, compassion, and her characteristic charm. For this episode, I got on the call with the intention of bringing her work into the realm of the newly married... those couples who are just getting to know each other, maybe building families and careers while they're at it. Alison was so wonderfully generous with her knowledge. The episode is divided into two parts, for several reasons. Mainly, I wanted to give you all the best opportunity to digest and try some of these ideas. So if you aren't subscribed yet, make sure to do that right away and you'll get the second part next Sunday when it is released. Alison Armstrong is the co-founder of PAX programs, author of The Queen’s Code book, Understand Men Online Course, and many more programs and workshops. You can find out much more at Alison’s Website: www.understandmen.com and learn about her upcoming LIVE event called LUX here: https://www.understandmen.com/worldevent/lux/ This is what we discussed in this week’s episode: What exactly is Frog Farming? How we just need to get out of the way. What causes men to misbehave? What should we do if our husbands are working too much? The surprising statistic about men in the first year of fatherhood. Why our plans for others never work. How to survive our husband’s early career intensity. How playfulness and affection feed our relationships. How young mothers can incorporate self-care. Why we aren’t getting what we need, and what to do about it. Let me know what you took from this episode! I can’t wait to hear your wins and celebrate with you!

 Ep. 49 - Don't Weaponize Self-Improvement | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 1481

Announcement: Next week I will be having the amazing ALISON ARMSTRONG on the podcast!!! Make sure you are subscribed because it’s going to be split over two episodes and you are not going to want to miss this interview. I recorded an episode a while back called “Shame Won’t Make You a Better Wife.” Episode 8 You need to hear it again. Because I keep seeing you all using the idea of self-improvement as a way of attacking yourself and your self-worth. You are weaponizing self-control. Against yourself. How you know you’re doing it: You are more conscious of what you’re doing wrong than what you’re doing right. The Perfect Wife has shown up. Your emotional reactions seem to be worse than makes sense. You aren’t making progress. When we are so down on ourselves and then trying to show up as the perfect wife, it’s totally inauthentic. What to do about it. Name the shame.  Thank it for its contribution. Consider life without shame. (Sidenote: accidental spending and kids nutrition sabbatical) Consider that your actions may be coming from a place of fear or insecurity. Speak those out loud. See the reverse of them. Clarify your vision as you would if you were speaking to a beloved younger friend. Consider what you would need to believe, truly believe, to make a step towards that vision.

 Ep. 48 - Short Term Gain | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 629

This week I’m sharing a hack that I learned while researching how to best care for myself as a type 1 diabetic. While it was intended to help with things like glucose control, I think this hack can help all of us on most long-term goals. Adam Brown, writer for diaTribe, writes in his book Bright Spots and Land Mines* about the benefits of setting specific, short-term goals to help us achieve our long term goals. Want better overall health? Think about how your mood will improve in the next few hours when you exercise. So here’s the hack du jour: ask yourself, what makes you feel better TODAY? -Exercise: long term “numbers” or how I feel? -Food: weight loss, or how I’ll be able to focus the rest of the day? -Laundry: is it about you and your abilities to be organized or can you just think about how nice it is to go to bed knowing it’s done? -Investing in your marriage (why don’t I talk about this more??): is it about working towards a long, happy marriage, or just the nice feeling of being an awesome wife? So here’s the strategy: Identify the long-term goal Identify the short-term gain Then… take a pic and tag me! @firstyearmarried or send to kayla@firstyearmarried.com Have an awesome week! *affiliate link 

 Ep. 47 - Letting Go is Not Sad | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 365

ANNOUNCEMENT - this is the last week to sign up for the Kallah Cohort! You can do that here. Today it’s time to talk about letting go of your marriage. Not the one you’re in. I mean the one you thought you’d be in. You’ve been married a few months, maybe a year. The cracks are starting to show. This is NOT what you had in mind. This is not what your friends said it was like, or how it looks when you see other couples. This is not what you thought it would feel like. And when I encourage you to let go of all that, you think it’s sad. It’s devastating, really. But that’s not how I see it as your coach. In this week’s podcast, I’m going to tell you why you REALLY need to let go of your fantasy marriage.

 Ep 46 - Your Relationship Momentum | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 1122

This episode is inspired by a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert's amazing book, Big Magic. The book is about creativity, but of course we're going to be applying it to our marriages here. She says, “any motion whatsoever beats inertia, because inspiration will always be drawn to motion.” When I heard this quote about motion, a light went off. This is such a great illustration of the change that I've seen in my marriage and my clients' marriages. The motion. The momentum. Our relationships have momentum. This week I'm going to give you four strategies for keeping a healthy, forward momentum in your marriage and keep you out of gridlock.

 Ep. 45 - How to Handle Overwhelm | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 1494

This week we're going to recap a few of the key tools we've covered over the last 44 episodes that will help us all handle overwhelm. 

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