2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

Let's face it...you want your house to look good for the holidays, but if you do it yourself it will be the home decorating equivalent of "Dyke in a dress". Fortunately for you there's still plenty of time to hire a couple of Gay men to get it done right. Not only will your house make it on to the cover of "House Beautiful", but you won't have to worry about taking down the decorations after the holiday either.

Straight people are looking at the issue of Gay marriage all wrong. The money spent on Gay weddings, including the wedding planners, the party decorations, the tux and gown rentals, flowers, cakes and honeymoons alone are enough to bring this country out of the worst recession we've had in more than 50 years. Throw in the amount of money that will also be made on divorces, and the government will in the black in no time.

After you've tried everything possible with western medicine, it's time to give some alternative techniques a try. Instead of spending tons of money on an acupuncturist, why not just grab a friend and do it yourself? Download a license from the internet, pick out some needles from your mom's sewing kit, get a 9-volt battery from the junk drawer, a crappy CD player and a nice heat lamp at Homo Depot. You're all set.

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Even if it's a high heel shoe chair with leopard print upholstery, there is someone out there who simply must have it for their home. It doesn't matter if the thing has been on the showroom floor for the last five years, if it's been faded by the sun by sitting out on display or if it smells like piss because a dog peed on it when it went by on a walk.

Having any kind of surgical procedure is serious business. It's not the time for your doctor to be holding a knife cutting you open and talking about what he watched on TV last night, whether or not Michael Jackson was wearing wigs or how hot it's going to be this weekend. The only thing worse would be if he got on Twitter and started giving the play by play.

The statistics show that 9 out of every 10 people are straight, which makes it likely that every one of knows at least one person in our lives that is straight. It's time for all of us to start accepting their cultural differences, to try to understand their lifestyle and to stop referring to their life-partners as their "special friend" at family gatherings. Most importantly, let's stop embarrassing them by asking what it is that straight people do in bed.

Nothing says, "I love you" like shopping generic. Next time you hit the grocery store don't forget to pick up the generic six-pack of beer in the white can with nothing, but the word "beer" on it, the generic cigarettes and the generic tampons. She couldn't love you more, unless you also brought home the generic green beans.

A major recession across the country, 11% unemployment in California, teachers getting laid off because of budget cuts and more people struggling to make ends meet since the Great Depression.... Still, the City of Los Angeles can somehow find $2 million dollars to throw a parade to celebrate a basketball team. Of course if the Laker Girls showed up in thongs, dancing on fire engines with stripper poles attached to them none of us would have complained no matter what they paid.

Nothing says sexy like a set of mismatched bra and panties, unless that same sexy set has a hole the size of a quarter in it. Instead of sitting there laughing and shaming your partner, why not turn it into a sexy shopping date where you pick out a few new sets of lingerie together? Or, you can just shame her even more by tossing her in the car, dropping her off at the store and making her buy it herself.

There comes a time in every relationship when the best thing to do to maintain harmony is to suck it up and do something you don't like just because your partner enjoys it. At times like that all you can do is take some extra medication, grab a huge cup of coffee, break out an extra six-pack, and man up...even if it means going to the theater.

Perhaps when parents give their children the talk about the "birds and the bees", they might add that the birds and the bees masturbate, too. That might be a way to prevent accidents, such as getting a fish stuck in your penis or having power tools inserted into your vagina. It might also help every straight women know what an orgasm feels like before they have to go and find their first Lesbian experience.

We've all heard about people that get fired from their jobs or suspended from school because they stay up all night playing games on their computer and can't go to work or school for days at a time. What we never considered was that Gramps would get his first computer and start staying up late at night playing poker with people he's never met and that call themselves by names he has never said out loud in his life.

No matter how hard we try to maintain a separation of church and state in this country, we will never be able to keep prayer out of our schools, public or private. On the day of the big exam students all over the school are reaching out and praying to any deity that will help them pass the test, even if they haven't opened a book all year.

Almost everyone has had a crazy ex, but not everyone has one that crosses the line into psycho ex. It's hard to figure out exactly where that line is, but comes somewhere after the point where they change their last name to yours after you break up, they start stalking you from three states away, and you need to take out a restraining order to protect your entire family, including your dog.

The rules of successful one night stands are: never sleep with your friends, never sleep with her twice, never take her home to your house so that she knows where you live, never spend the night, and never take off any jewelry that you want to see again. As Lesbians we are simply doomed to break every single one of these rules no matter how hard we try. The least you can do is to bring your own dental dams.