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We don’t like to stereotype but professional athletes generally physically gifted, athletic freaks that are, maybe most importantly, tough as nails. You’ve got all of these stories about horrendous injuries and the players that battle through them, like legendary Los Angeles Ram defensive lineman Jack Youngblood playing through the entire 1979 playoffs on a fractured fibula. And then, of course, you’ve got the really humiliating on-field injuries, like former Arizona Cardinals kicker Bill Gramatica, who injured himself celebrating after making a field goal in the first half of a regular season game. But hey, at least that happened on the field. There are some other athletes whose embarrassing injuries are even more ludicrous, such as… 1. “Sneezing” Sammy Sosa Sammy Sosa captured the attention of America back in 1998 when he and Mark McGwire engaged in the most epic steroid induced battle this side of a WWE pay-per-view event. Of course back then we didn’t know they were ‘roiding out every chance they got, so when they were cranking home runs left and right we didn’t care and just enjoyed the ride. Sammy and his relatively poor grasp of the English language became a household name and a fan favorite, until it all came crashing down when we realized that he had put on about 50 pounds of pure muscle and turned into a power hitter pretty much overnight. And then things got really humiliating for Sammy in 2004 when he missed a game with back spasms. No, the spasms weren’t the embarrassing injury, because hey, those things happen to every athlete at some point or another and hurt like hell. No, the idiotic part to this story is how Sosa got those back spasms in the first place. You see, before the game he sneezed twice, each ranking among the most violent sneezes ever (there is probably not a lot of research on steroid enhanced sneezing). In fact, it caused his back to go out. Those two sneezes caused him to be placed on the 15 day disabled list, but at least he can take solace in the fact that he’s not alone in being sidelined by sneezing – in fact, he’s the fourth player to do so. 2. Ted “Twit” Dexter Have you ever watched much of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, the classic sketch show from the 1970’s? If you have, or if you have at least seen some of their “greatest hits” then there is a pretty fair chance you have seen their Upper Class Twit of the Year skit, in which a bunch of idiots compete in events to determine who the biggest, well, twit is. God bless the internet: If you bothered to watch, one of the events includes the twits having to operate a car, and the punch line to that particular bit (spoiler!) is the fact that somehow one of the twits manages to run himself over with his own car. Now this was funny because, frankly, it’s utterly preposterous and seems physically impossible. That is, unless you are famous British cricket player Ted Dexter. See, in 1965 Dexter had his career ended when he was in an automobile accident in which he was pinned to a warehouse door by a Jaguar, breaking his leg in the process. Oh yeah, it was his own Jaguar. He had run out of gas and was attempting to push it when he got away from him and he managed to accomplish what only the finest twits in all of England could ever hope. Since this happened in 1965, before the Upper Class Twit of the Year sketch, we’re also holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, he was the inspiration. 3. “Iron” John Smoltz John Smoltz will likely go down as one of the best pitchers of the past 50 years, and is a surefire Hall of Famer. Whether it was as a starter or coming out of the bullpen as a closer, Smoltz was a tremendous talent with over 200 wins, 150 saves, was a Cy Young Award winner and eight time All-Star. The bottom line is that John Smoltz could freaking pitch. What he couldn’t do, apparently, was anything even resembling using good judgment when it comes to irons. And we’re not talking about the kind of irons you use in golf or the kind you [...]

It’s not always easy being a woman. Sure, you have the benefit of certain assets that can be used for fun or profit when dealing with members of the opposite sex. But on the flip side, those assets are always in demand, and sometimes they need protecting when someone gets a little too friendly. It’s nice to know that, if you’re wandering around the dangerous streets of major cities such as Los Angeles or New York, you’ll have a way to defend yourself without worrying about whether the sheath for your knife matches your dress. Because if you can manage to squeeze in to (literally, in some cases) some of the fashion trends on this list, you’ll never be without a practical and fashionable weapon close to hand. What more could a girl ask for? Except a hunky bodyguard, perhaps… 1. Stilettos Despite popular belief, dangerous to more than just the wearer. When it comes to fashion, it’s well known that women will go to great lengths (or in this case, great heights) to win in the never ending inter-woman competition of “I’m sexier than you.” What better sacrifice can you make to the fashion gods than to constrict your feet in stilettos, which are uncomfortable, terrible for running in, and can cause injuries and diseases such as osteoarthritis? Following this trend is certainly just a few wobbly steps away from a carefree life supported by the largesse of your new sugar daddy. But we bet that you didn’t know that there’s a method in the midst of this madness. That’s right, stilettos are good for more than just an excellent form of self-flagellation. In a pinch, the shoes can be used as a weapon, as one pregnant stripper found out when she assaulted someone with a stiletto. We’re guessing that men are never going to look at their girlfriend’s shoe closet in exactly the same light. And now women can be comforted during their long walks home carrying the cute shoes that are just such a pain to wear, instead of cursing themselves for not making better shoe choices (that don’t compliment their gams). 2. Enormous Purses It's hard to find room for your Tic Tacs with all the concealed weapons in there... This one’s easy. If you’ve never had the chance to look through a purse, get on your knees and thank whatever you call holy. These fortresses of security render any important object instantly invisible once it enters the purse interior, and the bigger the purse, the more violent weapons can be stored within. A woman could have an AK-47, several sets of nunchucks, and a few hand grenades for good measure in one of these things, and no one other than herself would ever be the wiser. The only drawback is that the woman herself might not be able to find what she’s looking for. In that case, though, the purse is just as good a weapon as its contents. Once the woman realizes that her plight to locate said weaponry in a pinch is futile, she can always use her enormous purse to fend off her attackers. It wouldn’t be the first time that such a thing has happened. A good wallop to the side of the head with one of those things is bound to be painful, if not actually lethal. Just consider what it would be like to be hit in the side of the head with a five to ten pound dumbbell – yeah, it’s going to be something like that. With a hefty dose of anger on the other side. Or, she could just carry around a purse shaped as a mace. And who said that fashion wasn’t efficient? 3. Belts Over Clothing Women: defeating the useful aspects of clothing since pretty much forever. A woman finds herself cornered and empty-handed. What to do? Well, if she’s wearing one of those fabulous belted sweaters, dresses, or unholy sweater-dress monstrosities, she’ll never be unarmed. But I have a belt too, you might say. True; but how easy is it for you to belt-fight with your pants around your ankles? Your girlfriend knew that y[...]

If there’s one thing that moms are known for being good at, it’s comforting people. They’ll often say things like “Don’t be mad at Billy, pity him; his parents are ugly, and someday, he will be too,” or “bike accidents only happen to people who are bad on the inside.” But, try as they might, they can’t turn every bad situation into puppies and king-size candy bars. Sometimes, they just don’t have a clue what they are talking about. 1. Cleaning toilets never hurt anyone Great. Now we have to be scared of the thing that was closest to our hearts. Why it is supposed to be comforting: Moms are fond of the “never hurt/killed anyone” argument. They assume that it’s guaranteed to make you feel so much better that the activity you have been unfairly assigned has not been known to permanently disfigure, maim, or end the life of anyone (yet?). At least, they know it won’t make you feel any worse. Why it really isn’t: Well, how about the fact that at least one guy has nearly killed himself cleaning the toilet? We’re assuming that, since the mom in question is trying to get her offspring to do the dirty deed instead of doing it herself, she’s not going to be watching them every step of the way. And we all know that kids have many things that they’d rather be doing than scrubbing feces off of porcelain, so we can’t expect them to carefully peruse the warning labels on the cleaning products they decide to use. And hey, if one bottle is good, two are better, and more is best! Except when it comes to this sneaky little formula: 2(parts)NaOCl + 2NH3 –> 2NaONH3 + Cl2. That’s what you get when you mix chlorine (found in bleach) with ammonia (a common household cleaning agent): toxic chlorine gas, the same sort of thing used to kill soldiers during the Great War. Happy scrubbing! 2. Spinach will make you grow nice and strong! And apparently give you elbow nipples. Why it is supposed to be comforting: This is a version of the “eat it, it’s good for you” argument. Now, moms know that all kids want to be superheroes, and so there’s a good chance that the strength argument will work out to their advantage. If Peter Parker had to get bitten by a nightmare-inducing radioactive spider, then your kid will probably put up with swallowing down a few bites of shudder-inducing green sludge if given the promise of greatness. Why it really isn’t: Sure, spinach has lots of vitamins, and it will give you a chance to get stronger – if by “stronger” you mean “better at getting your bowels to stop disgorging themselves all over the place.” That’s because spinach has, on several occasions, been the source of E. Coli outbreaks. The problem with spinach is that all those folds that hold the good-for-you-ness also are especially good at harboring bacteria as well. Jeez, Spiderman never had to put up with anything worse than a rash. 3. When I was your age, things were much harder Why does snow always get such a bad rap? Why it’s supposed to be comforting: Ever heard something along these lines: “When I was your age, I had to walk five miles uphill to and from school every day in the snow, with no shoes and only a chunk of mold to eat”? Or: “Back then, we didn’t have any fancy ‘interphones’ or whatever you call them. When we wanted to talk to someone far away, we had to yell really, really, loud”? Moms want us to believe that life was so, so much harder in the past than it is now. We’re supposed to feel better because we don’t have to live in those depressing times. They think that the horror invoked by the thought of ages past will make taking out the trash seem blissful in comparison. Why it really isn’t: Stress has always been around, but it wasn’t until the 1990′s that it really became an essential fa[...]

Lego’s have got to be the most adaptable toy on the planet. In the hands of a child they are a choking hazard. In the hands of an adult they’re a multi-thousand dollar investment and a huge waste of time. The beauty of Legos is that you can build anything – anything at all – if you have the dedication to click little pieces of plastic together for huge amounts of time. Instructions? Aw hell naw! They don’t print an instruction sheet for success, son. If you’re gonna make it big in the constructible toy bracket then you’re going to have to fly by the seat of your pants and boldly into the blocky future. 1. A Harpsichord Henry Lim is an odd fellow. If you venture over to his website you’ll note that he’s made a hobby of Lego sculptures. His subjects range from a replica bust of Beethoven, a gray-scale mosaic of Catwoman from Tim Burton’s Batman Returns and a fourteen foot long stegosaurus. But as impressive as spending seven months building a dinosaur out of a children’s toy is, these feats don’t compare to building a functioning musical instrument. Lim’s harpsichord weighs in at about one-hundred and fifty pounds and is made almost entirely of Lego bricks (over one-hundred thousand in all). The only non-Lego pieces are wire strings, though if he had a government grant we’re sure Lim would have found a way to build those, too. It has a surprisingly good range of sixty-one notes, which is sixty-one notes more than your Aquanauts set could ever hope to achieve. According to Lim, the whole thing took two years of planning, building, rebuilding (due to implosion) and finalizing. Originally he wanted to build a piano but had to settle for building a harpsichord because the strings didn’t need to hold as much tension. Think about that for a second: he had to settle for building a harpsichord from colorful plastic. 2. A Pinball Machine I don’t know much about The Netherlands or the fine people who choose to dwell there, but apparently the host something called the LegoWorld exhibition, a gathering of those tiny little bricks and the people who love them. Two of these people, Gerrit Bronsveld and Martijn Boogaarts, proved in 2005 that the only thing they love more than Legos is a good pinball machine. Finding that their two loves had yet to overlap, they decided to go all in and make their own Lego pinball machine. Constructed with over twenty-thousand bricks, the only pieces not made of Lego are glass and steel balls used for gameplay. Everything else, from the plunger and coin slot to the motors and computers, are made from Legos. The more advanced aspects come from the Mindstorm series. Mindstorm features computers which can be programmed for simple functions. Of course, you need to create your own programming language to make it all work, but Bronsveld and Boogaarts did just that, using thirteen of the devices to pull it all together, controlling motion and weight sensors as well as a series of lights on the scoreboard and playfield. Game play begins when a fifty Euro cent piece is inserted, so save your American quarters. 3. A Car When you think of Legos, do you think of safety? Most people would say “no,” because they’ve probably tried to swallow one as a child or as a heavily intoxicated adult. But the folks at Volvo would disagree with you. In 2004, they formed a partnership with Lego to feature a replica Volvo XC90 at the American Legoland theme park. The idea is to promote driving safety, which makes perfect sense once you reflect upon the durability of Legos compared to the modern car. Or at least Toyotas. Though inoperable (your expectations would have to be pretty absurd to think that a minivan made of plastic bricks would actually function) it is an exact replica of the XC90 down to the license plate. The piece was constructed by Legoland’s elite Master Builders, a secret cabal of hooded individuals who construct the park[...]

Sexual selection can be found throughout the animal kingdom. Frequently, it can go well beyond the simple “dudes smash their heads together until there’s a winner” model. In order to figure out exactly what’s going on in the sex lives of some species, scientists will get a little creative with their techniques. When researchers get a hunch about traits that are animal turn ons and turn offs, those poor critters’ sex lives might be in for some cruel tinkering. To prove their theory, biologists aren’t afraid to play Nip/Tuck or Frankenstein. Ladies and dudes of all species might get transformed from a shining Adonis to Jaleel White, or vice versa. It might seem cruel, but simply making observations and crunching the numbers can get boring, even for scientists. 1. Bower Birds The Species: If you’ve learned anything from MTV’s Cribs, it’s that you’ll never make nearly as much cash as Lil Bow Wow did during his brief stint on the cultural radar. Also, having a royally “pimped out” pad is pretty awesome. Some members of the animal kingdom have already figured this out, particularly bower birds. While males from our species head to Crate and Barrel or IKEA to make their place more boning-friendly (or “home-y” as the ladies put it), the male bower birds do all their work by hand. Er, beak. Whatever. The elaborate digs these guys make out of woven vegetation are studded with basically anything shiny or interesting they can get their feathers on. And they’re not just trashpickers, they’ll aggressively steal anything they can carry if it looks cool enough. The females then strut on up to their bowers (whenever they bloody well feel like getting around to it) and institute a mandatory inspection. The males also put on a display while they are being judged, much like any generic dance club on your typical Friday night. The fellas with the best bower-related displays get the girl, simple as that. The Makeover: Well, not quite simple as that. See, scientists hypothesized that lady bower birds had a weakness when it comes to decor. Instead of scented bath soaps or decorative pillows, they prefer “Solanum” berries. Males with more berries covering their bower were observed to have greater mating success than those with less. The real bling-bling. So researchers went ahead and added extra berries to some of the dudes’ bowers, even though they refused to add extras when given the opportunity (i.e. provided with extra piles of solanum). The number of mates the males got didn’t increase too significantly, but there was another interesting side effect. It seems that males pretty much only use as many berries as their social status will allow. You know how in the movies when the protagonist talks to the pretty girl, the alpha jocks just beat the stuffing out of him? This is pretty much the same idea. The bigger, more dominant males don’t take kindly to utterly flamboyant berry displaying and would try their best to destroy lower status bowers if they got too flashy. Yeah, like a feathered George McFly, without a time travelling son to fight his battles. 2. Guppies The Species: Since guppies have neither big fuzzy hats, nor shirt collars to pop, the ladies do their judging based on how pretty the guys look. The males have vivid coloration that signals that they’re ready, willing and able to mate. Flashy colors are a popular mechanism for attracting mates in the animal kingdom, or at a bar if you choose to take advice from a pickup artist who goes by the name “Mystery”. The original “peacock”. Maybe he got the “pea” part wrong, though. This type of coloring isn’t an outrageous way to pick your man when you’re a fish in the wild. Being brightly colored comes at a significant cost to males. It’s taxing to produce, meaning weaker males that are less able to acquire food or ones more susceptible to disease and parasites end up being duller in color. Brighter males are also more likely to get picked off by predators, meaning th[...]

Driving your car around town is pretty tedious, walking takes forever to get anywhere, biking or skateboarding makes anyone who isn’t a teenager look weird and public transit is full of hobos. Is there no method of everyday transportation that’s both efficient and enjoyable? Nope, there isn’t. Trust us, we checked. However, there are plenty of extremely weird methods that make up for their inefficiency with their complete lunacy. So the next time you’re stuck in an hour long traffic jam and the stereo in the car next to you is blasting “Dinosaur” on repeat, you should consider one of these alternatives. 1. Powerisers Did you ever own a pogo stick as a child? Did you ever want to take your pogo stick to the extreme?! Well, probably not, because those things got old pretty fast, but regardless of what your childhood fantasies were, Powerisers are here to maybe answer them. Powerisers are pretty much just springs that you strap to your legs, essentially turning you into a kangaroo. Except that kangaroos can’t do bitchin’ flips or suffer hilarious groin injuries. The company that sells Powerisers says they were originally developed by the aerospace industry, and while we find that claim dubious, we’re too busy filling out the order form to investigate so we’ll have to take their word for it. Sure, anyone using these things for an extended length of time will probably end up with a bad case of broken spine, but it would be worth it for the ability to get to work by doing front flips over all the cars that are waiting at red lights. 2. Champiot Ultra The Champiot Ultra is a vehicle that combines all the physical labour of rowing with none of the natural beauty of being on open water. So if you’ve ever wanted to row through smoggy downtown traffic then you need to get yourself one of these babies. Plus, since the ad for the Champiot uses hip music in lieu of actual information, it pretty much guarantees that you’ll look cool when you’re riding it. So what are you waiting for? The makers of the Champiot claim that it fills “a tremendous vacuum in the exercise market” by providing an “interesting alternative to going to the gym or jogging around the block.” The 1000 dollar price tag seems pretty steep for an “interesting alternative,” but then they also claim that this thing can be used on sidewalks, bike pathways, parks and beaches, so really it’s a small price to pay for that kind of stunning versatility. Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear to be fit for actual roads, but if you’re willing to fork over all that money in the first place you probably aren’t the sort of person who would let minor technicalities like that stop you. 3. Treadmill Bike If there’s one form of exercise even more tedious than rowing it’s running on a treadmill, so naturally someone decided to make a vehicle based around it. Now you can combine the intensity of a treadmill workout with the convenience of a bicycle, and you can get it for the small cost of looking like a complete idiot in public! (Also, you’ll need 2500 dollars.) But hey, if you don’t believe us, then just let this poorly made commercial do the talking! OK, so all this Frankenstein monster really seems to do is make jogging needlessly more difficult, but at least now you can gain the respect of people who own cars. Not their actual respect, mind you, we’re just saying that legally they won’t be able to run you off the road. That probably won’t stop them from trying though, so be sure to wear your helmet when you hit the streets with your Untreadmill, The Vehicle That Should Not Be™.

It’s been a joke for as long as we’ve had those ridiculous drug ads of people frolicking in a field while an announcer motormouths his way through all the legal disclaimers: sometimes the side effects sound worse that the disease. But, of course, this is just a natural side effect of your body reacting to the drugs…right? Note: For the sake of good taste and to keep your computer clean of barf, instead of pictures of pills or the horrible, disgusting symptoms, we’re featuring pictures we got from Googling “adorable children”. But, you know, click any links at your own risk. 1. Polytrim Polytrim is already a drug most people don’t want to take voluntarily; it’s an antibiotic that’s generally used to treat the eyes. Already people are wincing away from this article. But don’t worry! It gets more disgusting! These kids certainly have healthy looking eyes. How nice. Basically, with Polytrim, you go blind for a while. The “mild” side effects include skin rashes, blurred vision, itchy eyelids, or even itchy eyes. But if that’s not enough to make you consider letting nature heal your pinkeye (hint: it won’t), serious side effects include “drainage, crusting, or oozing of your eyes or eyelids.” 2. Other Antibiotics This one is just a little worrisome; when we were searching for the antibiotics that had this particular side effect, and we couldn’t find any names. Just “some antibiotics”. Once you read the side effect, you’ll know why we’re disturbed: black hairy tongue. Why, I’d wager these kids’ tongues aren’t even a little hairy! By itself, apparently, hairy tongue is just an indication that you need to brush your freaking teeth once in a while, Captain Oral Hyigene. Or you could be smoking too much. Or you could be drinking bismuth subsalicylate, which you know better as the pink stuff that stops heartburn. But it’s also caused by antibiotics, and while we know you’d like to know which ones, if we told you that syphilis would never clear up so we won’t. It’s for your own good. 3. Retrovir, Zerit, and protease inhibitors If you’re taking these drugs, well, then the bad news is, you have AIDS, or at least HIV. The good news is, we’ve made great advances in treating these diseases, now that we’ve stopped pretending that it only happens to gay people and drug users, neither of whom are viewed as deserving health care when Republicans are in office. No, seriously, look it up; part of the reason we’ve got such an AIDS problem now is back in the ’80s, they called it GRIDS (Gay-Related Immunodeficiency Syndrome) and decided that the gays dying just wasn’t their problem. Something to remember the next time somebody praises Ronald Reagan around you. This lil’ guy can’t even pronounce “Reganomics” or “massive weight redistribution” Anyway, fighting a disease like this means you have to take a “damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead” approach, meaning nothing’s worse than the disease, which is true. Then again, your vanity will take a hit because either you’re going to lose a ton of weight, or you’re going to become a huge fat-a*s: these drugs redistribute your body weight to a huge degree. But it could be, as we’ll see, a lot worse. 4. Propecia Propecia is already famous for restoring some of your hair while erasing everything else that makes you want a full head of hair, namely your libido. There are good medical reasons for that. Believe it or not, baldness is caused by having just too much testosterone. It destroys your hair follicles, so if you want to regrow your hair, or rather, just keep the hair you already have, you have to get rid of all that testosterone. There are, of course, some problems that come from monkeying with your hormones for colossally stupid reasons like vanity, but none are quite as bad as… Decreasing the size of[...]

While video games are among the newest form of popular entertainment, good old marketing gimmicks and publicity stunts are classic and time tested. While there are occasionally a few clever publicity stunts for video games, there are a many others that quite often they end in sheer, unmitigated disaster. Here at WeirdWorm, we don’t really care too much about when things go as planned, it’s not nearly as funny as when stuff goes horribly, horribly wrong. And with that, we humbly present to you some of the dumbest video game publicity stunts. 1. Nothing like promoting a video game like decapitating some goats Nothing says Action Brawler like a chubby Greek guy. The image above is from a 2007 Greek launch event for God of War 2, which from the looks of it, had all the necessary ingredients for a great launch party. Greek theme? Check. Scantily clad ladies? Double check. Decapitated goats? Chec- Wait, what? In keeping with the slaughter and violence found in the wildly popular video game franchise, Sony thought it was appropriate to snag a dead goat, decapitate it, and stuff it with offal. Guests at the event were then offered to reach inside the dead animal, pull out some of the tasty meat treats inside the goat, and eat them. When at a party with half naked, body painted women, the last thing anyone wants to see is a butchered goat acting as a fondue pot- it’s scientifically proven to be the ultimate buzzkill. Sony suffered quite a lot of fallout, and deservedly so, from everyone from animal rights activists to people with a little good taste. Sony had to recall almost 80,000 magazines which had document photos of the event, in order to try and brush the snafu under the carpet, but as anyone who has an embarrassing photo of them on the internet knows: what goes on the internet, stays on the internet. 2. Sega Saturn jumps the gun (and the shark) Ever played one? Yeah, didn’t think so. In the middle of 1995, Sega was in a tough spot. They had to release their newest console, the Sega Saturn in North America that September, only a few days before Sony released their PlayStation. Sega knew that the PlayStation was the better machine by far, so at that year’s E3 (the annual video game expo), they decided to pull a little PR magic. During the Sega presentation, Tom Kalinske, the Sega America big wig, dropped the bomb: as he spoke, the Sega Saturn was available to purchase. Suddenly rescheduled a whole four months before its release, at $399, the publicity stunt seemed to be a premature success. That is until the Sony press conference, only minutes later, where Sony bigwig Steve Race walked up to the microphone and calmly said just one word; “$299”. Amidst the crowd suddenly declaring “OH SNAP!”, a few Sega execs could be heard bitterly weeping, knowing their stunt just got royally pooched. `The rest unfolded like a terrible disaster film- everything went down the drain. The sudden release of the Sega Saturn meant that there was hardly any marketing or public knowledge of the device, and worse yet, none of the game developers were told about the sudden date change, so the Saturn launched with many incomplete games- games which were supposed to be released in four months time, not two minutes. Add to that the fact that Walmart wasn’t aware of its release, and Sega was in trouble. During the Saturn’s four month head start, it sold 80,000 units. When the PlayStation was released, it sold 100,000. In one day. Sega was undeniably destroyed, and in the end, they posted almost $300 million in losses and had to lay of almost a third of it’s employees. Oh snap indeed.

Despite the nearly universal allure of the open road, with its symbolic connections to freedom, hope, and the journey of life, there has always been an undeniable dark side to its urban mythology. In the dead of night, when fellow travelers are few and far between, a seemingly ordinary highway can be transformed into a world all its own, removed from the safety and comfort of everyday reality. Although, for the most part, our fears and suspicions about such places are nothing more than the side effects of overactive imaginations, there are roads around the world whose sinister reputations are so pervasive that one has to wonder if there might be an element of truth to the stories told about them. These are the roads you consciously avoid, all the while reassuring yourself that you don’t believe in any of that nonsense. 1. The A75 Annan Road, the name often applied to a particular fifteen-mile long stretch of Scotland’s A75, has been regarded for decades as one of the most haunted roads in the world. Since the 1950s, the site has been home to strange apparitions which frighten motorists. Among the most disturbing accounts is that of two brothers whose late night trip became nothing short of a nightmare. Traveling home together after a vacation, Derek and Norman Ferguson, aged 22 and 14, respectively, expected a fairly peaceful ride. It was around midnight, and their car was the only vehicle on the road. The horror began when, without a warning, a large white bird flew directly towards the windshield. Derek attempted to maneuver around it, but it seemed as if there was no time to swerve around, and the animal was going to hit them. Strangely, though, it seemed to disappear just as it was about to collide with the vehicle. The bird was followed quickly by the appearance of a hysterical old woman who rushed towards the car, a similarly maniacal old man, and an assortment of animals. Although, like the bird, all seemed as though they were going to be run over by the car, Derek never struck any of them; indeed, aside from the shared visions of the two brothers, no evidence whatsoever existed to suggest that any of these beings were real. To add to the terror of the experience, both young men suddenly began to feel the temperature within the car drop to extremely low levels. The sounds of laughing and mocking voices were heard, and Derek began to feel as though he was no longer in control of the car, which had begun to shake violently. When he stopped the car and got out, the phenomena ceased, only to begin again once he resumed driving. The ordeal lasted until the brothers finally reached the town of Annan. Since the events of that evening, there have been numerous reports of similar experiences, although none have matched the intensity of what the Ferguson brothers went through. Motorists have reported seeing strange old men or women standing in front of their cars and disappearing just as they are about to be run over. Many local residents maintain that there is something very bizarre about the road, and all travelers should beware when they venture down it. 2. Clinton Road Surrounded by acres of thick, unwelcoming woods, without a single living human soul in sight, New Jersey’s Clinton Road is a lonely, ten-mile stretch of pavement that has been associated with a tremendous amount of urban legends, indicating that there may be something truly bizarre at work. A popular spot for local teenagers looking for some late night thrills, Clinton Road has plenty to offer for anyone who needs a good scare. Stories abound of KKK meetings and Satanic rituals being performed in the woods; some tales even suggest that cults will trap people with makeshift road blocks and proceed to murder anyone foolish enough to travel down the road late at night. The spirit of a young boy is said to haunt a small bridge near an especially dangerous curve. Since the 1970’s, mysterious black pickups trucks have been known to chase drivers off the ro[...]

Ted Turner: Billionaire, philanthropist, Founder of CNN, banger of Jane Fonda and owner of the largest bison herd in the world. All of these achievements pale in comparison to his greatest creation: Captain Planet. Ted’s tireless effort to brainwash impressionable children with lessons about environmentalism and begrudging acceptance of other cultures completely eliminated pollution and racism, with the added perk of inspiring some of the worst Halloween costumes you’ve ever seen. His only weaknesses are bathing and talking to girls! Captain Planet and his “Planeteers” were heroes who used their earth, wind, fire, water and significantly less cool heart powers to save the world from… well… whatever the opposite of those things are. Their foes were over the top baddies who performed exaggeratedly evil deeds to teach us all that littering isn’t cool. Luckily, these villains also couldn’t exist in real life because these real life “ecovillains” would laugh them off the face of the earth for being such rank amateurs. 1. Hoggish Greedly Modus operandi: The pig-man gets his jollies being a shortsighted, selfish jerk. He’s been known to destroy desert “ecosystems” through recreational dirt biking, make furniture out of old trees and hatch a disturbingly high number of schemes involving marine mammal destruction. You couldn’t have named him “Steve” or something? Enter the Challenger: Warren Anderson, former head of Union Carbide and a man so hated in India, Gandhi himself would kick him right in the jewels given half a chance. The person responsible for that wallpaper is also wanted for questioning. What makes him more evil: As CEO of the multibillion dollar chemical manufacturer, he contributed to what is cheerfully referred to as the “worst industrial accident ever”. A plant in Bhopal, India that manufactured concentrated poison (the best kind of poison) suffered a massive breach, releasing 42 tons of gas. Authorities indicate the many, many safety flaws in the plant were known to Anderson and others before the spill. Reports of the dangers were recorded at least two years before the disaster as well as smaller incidents that were swept under the rug. While the sister American plant was kept up to code, the Indian plant was left to adopt a more “try not to inhale the deadly toxins” approach. Half a million people were exposed, tens of thousands of people died and the plant was left abandoned to keep on contaminating the soil and groundwater, because it’s not like people were using those things. Environment, smosmirement. Anderson made a trip to India shortly after the leak with the promise he would not be charged. Naturally, he was promptly arrested for his role in the disaster. Recalling that the excellent exchange rate was one of the reasons for the plant in the first place, he paid the $12 US bail (or whatever) and escaped by private jet back to the States. Final Justice: The plant continues to leak horrifying levels of toxins into the environment. Anderson stepped down while Union Carbide soon sold off interests and was bought out by Dow Chemical. Thanks to sweet, shuffling hand of capitalism everyone has so far gotten away without consequence. Currently there is a warrant for Anderson’s arrest on homicide charges in India but attempts to extradite him have largely been symbolic. He lives comfortably in Bridgehampton, Long Island, New York. 2. Looten Plunder Modeled after the guy who keeps taking Ted Turner’s parking spot at the country club. Modus operandi: Sport hunter and bad-boy tycoon who loves him some unethical business decisions. He enjoys ‘Scooby-Doo’ style haunting of subway systems, tricking illiterate farmers into using excessive pesticides and wiping his rear with subpoenas from the EPA. Enter the Challenger: Lido “Lee” Iacocca, known for revitalizing American car companies and blatantly playing the government for saps before it was cool. Don’t let the comb-over fool you, he used to roll with[...]

It can be tough to draw attention to an issue you care passionately about. A public protest usually helps, but sometimes even that’s not enough. Sure, if you’re protesting something well known and controversial, like a war, all you have to do is gather a bunch of people together to block off a street or something and you’ll make the news. But if you’re fighting for something the average person doesn’t really care about then you have to take your protest the extra mile to get noticed. The result is often something very weird. 1. Saskatchewan Potholes Most people, assuming they’ve even heard of Saskatchewan, couldn’t care less about what goes on there. Even people who live in the Canadian province can’t summon up much more than an apathetic grunt when asked what they think about their place of residence. So when denizens of Leader, a town of just under 900 people, wanted to protest the large number of potholes on their roads, they first had to overcome the fact that they were fighting the least interesting battle in history. You can watch your dog run away for days. There’s nothing else to do, anyway. Their solution? A calendar full of nude photos of local residents posing in the potholes. Nothing helps draw attention to an issue better than sex appeal, even if the issue is “bad roads in the middle of nowhere.” Unfortunately, as soon as you discover the calendar is full of wrinkly old men you’ll realise there’s absolutely no sex appeal here at all. We’re not calling them ugly, that’s unfair, but when we think “pin-up calendar” we think twenty year olds vixens, not dudes trying to put the “sex” back into “sexagenarians.” Then again, their protest made news around the world, so maybe they had the right idea. The right, creepy, idea. 2. Agricultural Policy If there’s one thing farmers love more than… uh, whatever it is that farmers love, it’s protesting. After all, it’s tough to be a farmer in the 21st century, and they need to get their opinions heard just like any other profession. So when the European Union decided to make sweeping changes to their agricultural policy in 2009, dairy farmers in Belgium fought back the only way they knew how: with dairy products. The dreaded moolatov cocktail. Farmers had been protesting all across the EU for weeks in response to these policy changes, but the Belgians finished things off with style. And barnyard animals. Not content to merely stand in the streets, wave signs and yell at police officers, the farmers brought along their cows and chickens to help them out. No, the chickens didn’t hold adorable little protest signs in their beaks or anything, but instead stood around and let the farmers throw their eggs at cops. The cows, for their part, had their milk sprayed straight at riot police, while hay was shot at them from farm machines. All of this occurred while a fleet of tractors blocked off roads and fires burned in the streets. Despite all of this, the riot police basically just stood around and took it, perhaps fearing some sort of manure based retaliation if they attempted to fight back. Seriously, don’t mess with farmers; they’ll milk you something fierce. 3. Animal Dissection We could have easily made this entire list based solely on weird protests by PETA, but that would be like cheating. They’ve mastered the art of making headlines by doing stupid things; that’s basically the goal of their organisation. But we had to mention one particular protest because it crossed the line from “potentially effective” to “baffling and pointless” with alarming speed. The models wearing 100% cotton remain unfazed. Did you dissect any animals in science class when you went to school? Did you think it was unethical? PETA intern Jennifer Thornburg thought so, which is why she had her name legally changed to Cutout Dissection.com, the web address of a site run by PETA that aims to bring an end to dissection in schools. We have nothing against her goals, but we do have to question Ms. Disse[...]

History is strewn with great individuals who managed to invent, assassinate or fight their way into high school textbooks worldwide, changing history with every step they took. We can all appreciate their effort but what about all the other guys? The people who were at History’s door-step, managed to convince Lady History to just hear them out for a while, and almost got her to buy a year supply of toilet brushes before being kindly, but firmly, shoved out the door. Today at Weird Worm we are honoring these people. Here are the 6 folks who almost altered history. 1. William Walker Almost: changed the outcome of the Civil War Walker was a 19th century American filibuster—which is a fancy term for a douchebag who gets together a small private army and goes abroad to kill foreign peasants and take over their land. The name is almost exclusively used to describe American citizens like Walker journeying to Latin America to squash their insurrection attempts about 150 years ago. Silly Latinos, trying to fight for freedom… Anyway, Walker’s shining moment of glory was when he succeeded in one of those expeditions in 1856, taking over Nicaragua and setting himself up as the president. Unfortunately, his small contingent of men and lack of proper supplies, not to mention the spreading cholera, allowed him to be toppled in less than a year. However, some scholars believe that if he made the right alliances with powerful locals and let his political allies back in the US raise financial and military support for him, Nicaragua and a few other Central/South American countries would have belonged to the US South. This in all reality could have given the South the push they needed to win the American Civil War. Scary thought. 2. Lyman Cutlar Almost: caused a new UK-US war / changed the outcome of the Civil War Lyman was an American settler in the 19th century whose claim to fame is that he shot a pig, because it was eating his potatoes (and straight disrespecting, yo). Unfortunately, the pig belonged to a British man, Charles Griffin, and the whole incidence took place on San Juan Island (Washington state) to which both the US and UK claimed ownership. At that time, the relationships between the two countries were about as warm as the deepest, darkest corners of space, so the pig situation started to spiral out of control pretty darn fast. When the British came to arrest Cutlar, the American infantry came to his rescue, to which the English calmly went home and rationally called in 3 warships. The only way for the US to top that would be to launch even more warships and… you see the problem with this line of thought on both parties’ side. In less than 2 months a full scale war was at hand. Luckily, someone finally stopped and ask “Wait, isn’t this horribly retarded?!” and thus, the Pig War ended. But if it didn’t, it’s very possible that the UK would have joined the Confederacy side in the upcoming Civil War, changing the odds to the South’s favor. 3. Sidney Reilly Almost: destroyed Red Russia Sidney Reilly is the real life secret agent who inspired Ian Fleming to create James Bond. Known as the Ace of Spies, in the beginning of the 20th century Reilly devised a plan to assassinate Vladimir Lenin. It failed. Spectacularly. What if he had made it, though? It could have changed the face of Russia forever. Without this assassination attempt, Lenin would not have started the Red Terror, nor used the hypnotic properties of his awesome beard to unite the socialists of the world to form modern Communism. Then who knows, maybe he would not spearhead the Russian civil war and all in all, maybe Red Russia would never have been born. It is very hard to imagine a world without Communist Russia, but certainly Cuba and most of South America would never be the same. No Bay of Pigs, perhaps even no Cold War. Really, Mr. Reilly, if you are going to kill somebody, put your heart into it. The consequences can often be less than pleasant if you[...]

The desire for a mentor is deep-seated in the human race. Someone to teach hand-to-hand combat and ancient ninja skills so that we can go on to save the universe would be great, but most people would settle for some guidance with their daily whomp-rat hunting or help teaching bullies a lesson or two. However, after really taking a look at mentors through a totally unbiased lens (movies), we think we might have to change our minds. Obviously if mentors used their awesome powers to save everyone and never gave their mentees a chance, the movies would get boring and pointless. But did they really have to intentionally withhold universe-saving powers and information in order to teach a lesson to a snot-nosed kid who hardly knows a Sarlacc from a hole in the ground? 1. Yoda (from the original Star Wars Trilogy) Live on a depressing, swampy planet and eat snakes, I do. Decide the universe's future, I will. We’ve (unfortunately) seen from the prequels that Yoda can really kick some bad-Jedi butt when he puts his mind to it. He’s fought off hoards of them over the course of his lifetime. In fact, only nineteen or so years previous to the original trilogy, we see him flying all over the place in so-physically-impossible-only-CGI-could-make-it-happen ways. If Yoda really is nine hundred years old, nineteen years is nothing. That would be like two in human years. Living things don’t, in general, flip around like gymnasts on meth and then two years later hobble around like cripples one breath away from paraplegia. Aging doesn’t exactly work like that. The point is this: Yoda let Luke go off to fight Darth Vader, the most dangerous and evil person in the history of ever, after making the kid run half a mile and do some one-handed vertical pushups instead of, say, going himself. Yoda’s got nine centuries of Jedi goodness flowing through his veins, Vader’s got about forty years, and Luke has about five minutes. No matter how much you, as a mentor, are vested in your pupil’s success, you might not want to risk millions of innocent lives and the fate of the universe on his ability to make a pouty face (which is about all he has going for him given his limited training). 2. Falcor (from The Neverending Story) The difference between "cute" and "creepy" has a lot to do with size. Okay, so Falcor is more of an oversized sparkling puppy with creepy eyes than a true mentor, but he’s close enough for our purposes. Over the course of The Neverending Story, luck dragon Falcor manages to fly in the face of the Nothing, the most powerful force inside Bastian’s head. We even see him as one of the last existing creatures after the rest of the imaginary world falls apart, able to survive after even the world itself is little more than dust. And all of this because, as a luck dragon, he has the power to (mostly) show up just in the nick of time. So riddle us this: wouldn’t it have been a lot luckier if all of that bad stuff hadn’t happened in the first place? Sure, Bastian had to learn to trust himself and that he had power, blah, blah, blah, but wouldn’t it have been so much easier if Falcor had just flown into the human world (as he demonstrates that he can, when he traumatizes those unfortunate-looking bullies at the end), grabbed Bastian, and whisked him away to Fantasia without all the dying, crying and heart-wrenching despair? Admit it; you know you cried a little when the horse sank into the Swamps of Sorrow. 3. Gandalf (from the Lord of the Rings trilogy) When he's not mentoring, he likes to get a good butt-kicking in every now and then. Now here’s a deus ex machina if ever there was one. We’re not going to say that Tolkien isn’t a genius who changed the face of fantastical fiction forever, and invented several genres single-handedly in the process. However, the character of Gandalf seems to have been used to tidy things up ju[...]

We here at WeirdWorm love many things. List based observation humor is big. A delicious pizza is always enjoyable. One of our contributing authors has a pretty serious relationship going with a boyfriend pillow (try to guess which one!). Heck, sometimes we love something so much that we would die for it. Other times the things we love the most end up taking our lives. 1. Milo of Croton – Feats of Strength The 6th century BC wrestler, Milo of Croton, was the manliest man of his day. The dude was the very definition of the word “jacked.” According to accounts of the time, he held a roof up to prevent a collapse, saving the life of the wimpy and not nearly as awesome philosopher Pythagoras. Others claimed that he walked around with a bull on his shoulders for the simple reason that he could manage such a feat and no one else could, so screw them. Apparently Milo could break bands tied around his head using only the veins in his forehead. Think about that: just his forehead could beat you up and take your girlfriend. The result of highly successful athletic and military careers (he helped defeat an invading force of three-hundred thousand men, presumably with just his eye-brows) left Milo with what you might call a bit of an ego problem. Legend dictates that Milo was traveling alone in a forest when he came across a tree trunk. Feeling the need to show off to all those people he wasn’t traveling with, he attempted to tear the stump out of the earth in order to hurl it at the face of the gods. However, things never really got past the planning stages as his fingers got stuck in the tree’s cleft. Thankfully, the hero was put out of his misery by a pack of hungry wolves. Though it may be a fabrication, the story serves as a cautionary tale. Specifically, it tells us that no matter how strong we are, tree trunks are huge jerks and wolves are even more so. 2. Sigurd the Mighty – General Viking-ing Vikings are generally pretty rude people, though the same could be said of anyone who makes the phrase “r@*$ and pillage” their own personal mantra. Those Vikings who got a little too out of hand faced exile but could find a new home in the Shetland and Orkney islands. Once there, they would organize efforts to return to and raid their homelands because apparently they didn’t learn their lessons the first time. The rebel Vikings were eventually subdued and the islands given to Rognvald Etsteinsson, whose son died in the battle. Rognvald eventually gave the islands to his brother Sigurd. Not satisfied with owning prime, oceanfront real estate, Sigurd conquered much of northern Scotland, earning himself the nickname “the Mighty.” Somewhere along the line, Sigurd got a little to trigger happy and challenged other rulers to combat. One such ruler, the poorly named Mael Brigte the Bucktoothed, accepted the challenge. The two engaged in combat with armies of forty men. Or they would have, had Sigurd not brought twice that number of soldiers. Mael lost and was beheaded so that Sigurd could keep a little keepsake from his wonder years. He strapped the head to his saddle without any consideration for the Mael’s unfortunate namesake, his buckteeth. Said teeth scratched his leg as he rode, leading to a lethal infection. Cheaters never win and sometimes the kid that really needs braces grows up to change the world. 3. The Collyer Brothers – Junk Hoarding After the two New York natives refused to sell their home in 1938, the New York Times decided that the proper journalistic response was to print rumors that the Collyer brothers were sitting on a massive fortune. The truth was quite the opposite: the brothers Homer and Langley were intense pack rats that hadn’t worked in years because Homer had become paralyzed (and eventually blind) and Langley took care of him. Rather than housing the finest silks and spices from the exotic lands of the Orient, their home contained an absurd amount of trash. Thousands of books, newspapers and out-dated phone[...]

When we turn on a television show boasting thrills and action, well, that’s kind of what we expect to see. We yearn to witness butts being kicked, huge explosions and bullets ripping through the air and finding themselves lodged in the face, chest or, well, anywhere on the bad guys. We love guys like Jack Bauer because if you don’t give him an answer he likes, he’ll rip your throat out, “Roadhouse era” Patrick Swayze style. The bottom line is: we like our action heroes to be the manliest of men, like Chuck Norris crossed with that guy from the Dos Equis commercials. In other words, we don’t particularly care to see them moping around whining about how rough their lives are. These action heroes apparently never got that memo… 1. Jack Shephard (Lost) If a sweet beard like that can’t cheer him up, nothing can As we learned in the Lost series finale recently, (and this is super spoiler-y so if you haven’t seen the final episode, well, that’s your own mistake) Jack Shephard ultimately got his redemption and promptly died. But hey, at least he got to go to heaven after an awkward and slightly unnecessary jaunt through purgatory. Anyway, from the moment Jack wakes up on the island, he basically appoints himself the leader and savior of every other survivor, and then just as quickly whines about everything the castaways encounter. When someone says they are there for a reason, he rolls his eyes and moans about how ridiculous that is. When he finally gets off the island, he wallows in self pity and buries himself in a whiskey bottle, whining about how it was his destiny to be on the island, he has to go back, and basically makes every viewer want to kick him in the stones two or three times. Jack’s biggest complaint over the course of the series is that he didn’t ask to be the leader, and then he cries about how no one listens to him enough even though he knows what’s best. Well we’ve got news for you, Jacky boy, you’re night. No one asked you to be the leader in the first place, so pipe down so we can focus on Evangeline Lilly’s midriff. It almost makes us wish the creators of Lost had stuck to their original plan of killing off Jack in the pilot. Well, better late than never, eh? 2. Buffy Summers (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) Not the only one around here with wood. We fully admit that it is a hard knock life for Buffy Summers. After all, being “the chosen one” comes with it a lot of pressure. If you’re not familiar with the show, the mythos of Buffy the Vampire Slayer dictates that “into each generation a slayer is born.” So Buffy has no choice but to become a vampire killing machine, which apparently she doesn’t feel is quite fair. In fact, she goes on and on and on about how much of a pain it is to be the slayer. And then she goes on and on and on about it some more. Look Buffy, we all fully realize that it sucks to never really have a normal life and be forced into fighting the minions of Hell over and over, averting the apocalypse more often than you’re able to go on spring break. We really do. But by the time that seventh and final season rolled around, we as an audience were treated to a longwinded rambling monologue about how hard it is to be a slayer and how much rests on her shoulders pretty much every time Buffy popped up on screen. And that’s about 800 whiny monologues more than we probably needed.