Summary: Ted Turner: Billionaire, philanthropist, Founder of CNN, banger of Jane Fonda and owner of the largest bison herd in the world. All of these achievements pale in comparison to his greatest creation: Captain Planet. Ted’s tireless effort to brainwash impressionable children with lessons about environmentalism and begrudging acceptance of other cultures completely eliminated pollution and racism, with the added perk of inspiring some of the worst Halloween costumes you’ve ever seen. His only weaknesses are bathing and talking to girls! Captain Planet and his “Planeteers” were heroes who used their earth, wind, fire, water and significantly less cool heart powers to save the world from… well… whatever the opposite of those things are. Their foes were over the top baddies who performed exaggeratedly evil deeds to teach us all that littering isn’t cool. Luckily, these villains also couldn’t exist in real life because these real life “ecovillains” would laugh them off the face of the earth for being such rank amateurs. 1. Hoggish Greedly Modus operandi: The pig-man gets his jollies being a shortsighted, selfish jerk. He’s been known to destroy desert “ecosystems” through recreational dirt biking, make furniture out of old trees and hatch a disturbingly high number of schemes involving marine mammal destruction. You couldn’t have named him “Steve” or something? Enter the Challenger: Warren Anderson, former head of Union Carbide and a man so hated in India, Gandhi himself would kick him right in the jewels given half a chance. The person responsible for that wallpaper is also wanted for questioning. What makes him more evil: As CEO of the multibillion dollar chemical manufacturer, he contributed to what is cheerfully referred to as the “worst industrial accident ever”. A plant in Bhopal, India that manufactured concentrated poison (the best kind of poison) suffered a massive breach, releasing 42 tons of gas. Authorities indicate the many, many safety flaws in the plant were known to Anderson and others before the spill. Reports of the dangers were recorded at least two years before the disaster as well as smaller incidents that were swept under the rug. While the sister American plant was kept up to code, the Indian plant was left to adopt a more “try not to inhale the deadly toxins” approach. Half a million people were exposed, tens of thousands of people died and the plant was left abandoned to keep on contaminating the soil and groundwater, because it’s not like people were using those things. Environment, smosmirement. Anderson made a trip to India shortly after the leak with the promise he would not be charged. Naturally, he was promptly arrested for his role in the disaster. Recalling that the excellent exchange rate was one of the reasons for the plant in the first place, he paid the $12 US bail (or whatever) and escaped by private jet back to the States. Final Justice: The plant continues to leak horrifying levels of toxins into the environment. Anderson stepped down while Union Carbide soon sold off interests and was bought out by Dow Chemical. Thanks to sweet, shuffling hand of capitalism everyone has so far gotten away without consequence. Currently there is a warrant for Anderson’s arrest on homicide charges in India but attempts to extradite him have largely been symbolic. He lives comfortably in Bridgehampton, Long Island, New York. 2. Looten Plunder Modeled after the guy who keeps taking Ted Turner’s parking spot at the country club. Modus operandi: Sport hunter and bad-boy tycoon who loves him some unethical business decisions. He enjoys ‘Scooby-Doo’ style haunting of subway systems, tricking illiterate farmers into using excessive pesticides and wiping his rear with subpoenas from the EPA. Enter the Challenger: Lido “Lee” Iacocca, known for revitalizing American car companies and blatantly playing the government for saps before it was cool. Don’t let the comb-over fool you, he used to roll with[...]
