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Dreams represent more than just random fragments strung together from our waking lives. At least we’d like to think they mean more. Searching for the significance behind our dreams has led many of us to buy overpriced dream dictionaries, hunt down online interpretations and even venture into the dreaded troll underworld known as “Yahoo Answers”. The more daring among us may even check out the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud. According to Freud, dreams are fundamentally about wish-fulfillment and are often sexual in some way. With that in mind, we’re betting that dream you had about riding a giant banana through the Lincoln Tunnel takes on a whole new meaning. Freud would have had a field day with this one. Anyway, we here at Weirdworm have decided to take a look at twelve of your most common dreams. We’ll be offering different explanations as to what they may represent. Because dreams are particularly open to interpretation we decided to go with a traditional analysis as well as a unique view on the subject. For the latter we chose to ask someone who knows “a little bit about everything”, our very own – “Frankie the Maintenance Guy”. He’s our office’s janitorial warrior. Frankie is always around to clean up anything from the smallest spill to the ridiculous amounts of dried raccoon feces stuck to the ceiling of our boardroom. This is how Frankie looks on a good day. Frankie hit a lotto number back in 1978 thanks to a dream he had which involved the scoreboard of a Yankees game (he won $50.00 bucks). We’ll be referring to Frankie’s take on the subject as our “in-house expert opinion”. Let’s get started… 12. Teeth Falling Out THE DREAM: These notoriously common dreams tend to involve the horrible discovery that your teeth have suddenly become rotten, loose or worse…they are completely falling out your mouth. These dreams usually leave you extremely distressed. THE TRADITIONAL MEANING: Face it, we are a vain species. Many of us spend more time in the morning primping ourselves in the mirror than we do worrying about getting to school or work on time. Appropriately so, many consider dreams of this sort to signify our fear of being found unattractive. However, at a deeper level these dreams also suggest a profound fear of shame or a loss of power in real life. FRANKIE’S TAKE: FTMG: “I dreamt my teeth were falling out all throughout my teenage years and sure enough, by the time I hit 20 they were pretty much all gone. These dreams are an omen of things to come. Enjoy being pretty while you still can… the shows over for you.” 11. Being Late or Unprepared THE DREAM: Dreams of this nature may involve you showing up late to an important meeting or social get together. Often you will be totally unprepared. Whether you are still in school or haven’t been a student since the stone-age similar dreams may involve you being in school anyway and failing a test or showing up late to class. THE TRADITIONAL MEANING: This one is fairly straight forward. Both school and career settings can be representative of change. In that context, dreams of this sort may signify that you are feeling tested in your waking life by some change which you feel unable to handle. FRANKIE’S TAKE: FTMG: “Can’t say I ever had a dream like this before. I’ve never much cared about being anywhere on time though. The way I see it the world is on my clock. If I don’t feel like cleaning the trash cans before 9am and you have some issue with that, then take it up with someone who gives a flying f***.” 10. Using the Restroom in Public THE DREAM: Dreams of this sort are often accompanied with feelings of anxiousness. Basically the dream will involve an agonizing search for a bathroom and possibly lead to you doing “your business” in a public setting. THE TRADITIONAL MEANING: According to many dream analysts, dreaming that you are using the restroom in public can hint at your desire to release something in your life that has served its purpose and need[...]

If you clicked this link then chances are you’re in fact a fellow nerd. We’d like to thank you ahead of time for pulling yourself away from World of Warcraft and blessing us with your presence. So what was it that grabbed your attention? Was it the geeky pics in the article’s banner or just the word “nerd” alone that brought you here? In any case, here are five of the most popular nerd arguments you’ll find anywhere… though mostly in the dorkiest corners of the internet. If we happen to miss your favorite nerd argument don’t get your Spiderman undies in a twist, there will be more where this came from. For now lets get started with the classics… 5. George Lucas Raped My Childhood! THE ARGUMENT: This outrageous declaration came about due to the Star Wars prequel trilogy. The basic view is that the prequels were so ridiculously awful that they tarnished the legacy of the original films. Furthermore, George Lucas, the creator of the Star Wars universe, was also summarily held responsible for the metaphorical raping of the memories of Star Wars fans. At least we think that’s what the “raped my childhood statement” means. This ugly argument / whine-fest began in 1999 with the release of Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Since then it has raged on endlessly via message boards across the internet. THE PLAYERS: On one side we have those who are fiercely loyal to the original (Holy) trilogy. This portion of the fan-base truly wanted to enjoy the three prequels but for whatever reasons they were enormously let down. Too much Jar-Jar, too much clunky dialogue, too much cheesy romance, too much CGI… the list goes on and on. Because these fans were disappointed and their expectations were not met there’s been hell to pay. We assume Mr. Lucas has excellent security. On the flip side there are the Prequel lovers. Though not as plentiful or as vocal as the original trilogy fans they are a formidable group. These fans either got a kick out of Jar-Jar or were indifferent toward his idiocy. Most importantly these fans simply accept the prequels for what they are and enjoy them, flaws and all. It’s also worth noting that some of these fans grew up with the prequels in the same way that the generation before them grew up with the original trilogy. THE DAMAGE REPORT: In the eyes of George Lucas the six films are simply all part of one unified saga. However in the eyes of many bitter fans it’s a whole other story. The Star Wars fan-base is insanely split on this point. There’s no end in sight for the geek rage this discussion ignites on a daily basis. 4. Joel vs. Mike: The Ultimate MST3K Battle THE ARGUMENT: This argument is firmly tied to the critically acclaimed television show, Mystery Science Theater 3000. The series featured a man and his robot sidekicks trapped on a space station and forced to watch countless terrible movies. The “Joel vs. Mike” debate began way back in the fall of 1993 after Mike Nelson took over for Joel Hodgson as host of the show and consequently began riffing films in his place. The Great “Joel vs. Mike Flame-war” is infamous amongst “Mysties” as it sharply divided the fan-base and caused lots of bad blood. You’d think we could all get together and watch horrible movies in peace, but noooo. THE PLAYERS: On one side there were the loyal old-school fans of Joel (who was also the creator of the series). On the other side were fans that embraced the new guy Mike and dared to suggest he was a better host. Naturally there was no right or wrong answer in the scenario. Comparing Joel and Mike was like comparing apples and oranges. Or to put it in geek language, it was like comparing Hobbits to Dwarves. THE DAMAGE REPORT: At one time “Joel vs. Mike” debates were actually forbidden in many moderated discussion forums. Seriously, the topic was considered off limits and taboo. The blanket ban was imposed due to countless flaming incidents which made it clear that the issue sparked nothing but insanity. Basically [...]

When you stop and take a moment to think about dragons, chances are you have a very specific image in your mind of what this mythological creature looks and acts like, depending on whatever your formative dragon experience was. So you might find it weird that a dragon can actually be a lot of different things to different people. A lot of the differences in dragon representations are cultural; for example, Westerners trend more towards a dragons-are-evil mythos, while others, especially the Chinese, revere dragons as bringers of luck. Dragons have also changed over time; we’ve somewhat overcome our stereotypical dragon sensibilities in favor of the more modern notion of seeing dragons as ‘people,’ or at least assigning some sort of human or uber-human characteristics to them. Below is a handy guide to the panoply of dragons in movies that might, perhaps help you learn how your ideas of what a dragon is came to be, and whether or not those ideas are terribly wrong. The entries are listed roughly in chronological order, so you can see the evolution of dragon representations over time. 1. Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty (1959) Could be a good dragon. We don't want to judge on this picture alone. No representation of dragons in movies is more traditionally Western than that of Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty. If you went back a few centuries and showed this movie to a bunch of townspeople… well, first of all they’d flip out over seeing moving pictures… and then they’d probably torture you and burn you at the stake for performing witchcraft. After that they’d all sit down together and say, “Yeah, looks like a dragon to me!” A lot of Western myths use dragons as symbols of the devil. There are no redeeming factors, nothing besides true, unadulterated evil to this terrifying creature. The fact that this dragon actually is a wicked witch just tops off the perfect image of everything we’ve come to know about good and evil. 2. Smaug in The Hobbit (1977) Are dragons supposed to be that hairy? There might have been some miscommunication with the drawing department here. This is another dragon that’s pretty one-dimensional; however, we’re starting to get a bit more into the mythos of dragons with this character. We can’t say for sure if Tolkien invented the idea of a treasure-hoarding beast living forever in a cave, but he invented pretty much everything else we know of as fantasy, so it’s a fair bet. This dragon eats people, destroys towns, is greedy, and thinks only of himself. At least Maleficent only put people to sleep and blows a bit of fire now and then. This is possibly the worst-behaved dragon on our list. 3. Elliot in Pete’s Dragon (1977) Look! That dragon is copying Mickey Rooney's facial expressions! We’re not sure exactly what to make of this. The same year that brought us Smaug also brought us Elliot, the misbehaving dragon that may or may not have been a figure of Pete’s imagination induced by too many beatings or excessive drug use. Of course, by the end everyone can see Elliot, so maybe the drugs were in the water? Maine has always been a kind of ‘live and let live’ place, so it’s no surprise that they set a movie with a heart-of-gold dragon in a town there. Still, although Elliot cares for Pete very much, he’s got some characteristics that wouldn’t be tolerated in an upstanding human citizen. He loves pranks such as pulling out a lady’s slip and getting egg all over people’s faces. And that’s the true essence of dragons – whether they’re good or bad, they’re never entirely human, and don’t necessarily play by our societal rules. 4. Falcor in The Neverending Story (1984) Drugs were most definitely involved in the making of this movie. This is the first movie on our list based roughly on Eastern folklore. Falcor is a luckdragon, which you might [...]

Let’s face it; most people have really crappy jobs. For every jet fighter pilot breaking the sound barrier and blowing up terrorists, you have 100 guys who make minimum wage shoveling horse manure onto a cornfield. That’s why we sit in our cubicle reading comedy articles on the Internet instead of working, and why I’m employed. So, I thank you for having a crappy job so I can have an awesome one. Stop being jealous and get back to work, slacker! But finish the article first, there’s no point in being uncivilized. Another thing people do when trying to avoid the crushing reality of your garbage man existence is to fantasize about the job you’d rather have. What roadkill removal worker wouldn’t dream of being a Jedi Knight? What sewage plant cleaner doesn’t secretly imagine he’s carrying a six shooter instead of a powerwasher, shooting Nazis instead of cleaning up poop? However, here is a list of five jobs that may seem like a barrel full of awesome, but in reality, you’d be better off straddling a desk. 1. The Crew of the Black Pearl (Pirates of the Caribbean franchise) There are many obvious benefits to being a pirate. You get to wear awesome clothes, carry a sword, drink rum, pleasure many, many women, plunder ships, and generally live the glamorous life of an outlaw. Serving on the most awesome pirate ship of all time, the Black Pearl, would seem even more awesome. The Pearl is always at the center of the action, whipping the tar out of Royal Navy, EITC, and Fish People prudes, and is commanded by the most dynamic and cool characters of the Caribbean, like Hector Barbossa, Will Turner, Elizabeth Swann, and of course, Jack Sparrow. That’s “Captain” Jack Sparrow, thank you. Of course, being a real pirate was no picnic. Scurvy, lice, rats, fouled water, sea storms, the constant threat of being hung as criminals, and, of course, the crushing boredom of spending days at sea without anything to do, in cramped quarters with a bunch of other men, probably horny, and even worse, there’s probably limited rum supplies. Serving as a crew member on the Black Pearl would be even worse than your average, real life pirate. For one thing, have you ever, in the course of three movies, seen the Pearl plunder a single ship? They never did when Jack Sparrow was captain. They did attack merchant vessels under Barbossa, but they were forced to hoard it on the Isla de Muerta because they were cursed undead skeleton things. And that brings up another thing: the crew of the Pearl is so incredibly unlucky, if they were to walk into a casino, not only would they lose every doubloon they owned, but the slot machine would fall on their heads at the same time. They most likely would fuse together to form a hybrid Pirate Slot Machine that would totally give out untaxed winnings. Throughout the franchise, the average crewman has been subjected to a ten year curse of the undead, being eaten by cannibal natives and a giant squid, being arrested and hung by the Royal Navy, fighting nightmarish fish people, plunging off the edge of the goddamn world, and having to spend all their time watching the lead characters struggle for control over the ship to decide how best to kill off the crew next. Not to mention a giant voodoo sea goddess with the single WORST case of crabs in the history of man. The crew is put through all these trials, and for what? There is never any materialistic gain for Joe Swabbie, and the one time they do get some treasure, it turns out to be cursed by Aztecs and turns you into a skeleton with shredded clothes and a serious attitude problem. We mean, we’ve heard of “crime doesn’t pay, but this is ridiculous. 2. Police Officer, Gotham P.D. (Batman Begins/The Dark Knight) So, you’ve decided to step on the other side of the thin blue line and join the vaunted ranks of the Gotham Police Department. That’s rather civic minded of you, there’s plenty of reasons to put on the uniform, from a desire to kick some criminal ass, to looking sex[...]

The 3rd movie in a series is what turns a set of movies into a movie franchise, and signifies the ultimate attempt to squeeze every last drop of profit without having to come up with any original ideas. There are some threequels that are well thought out, and brilliantly accentuate a franchise, leaving an indelible legacy on Hollywood history. But for every one of those, there are a dozen threequels that are disastrous, and cases of actors going back to the well one too many times are far too common in Hollywood. Here are 4 actors who should have found a new direction to take their careers in, instead of losing a lot of rep coming out for just one more round, and getting clobbered by Mr. T. A President T. message to Danny Glover: “If I ever see Lethal Weapon 5 in theaters, I will beat you Rocky style.” 1. Eddie Murphy, Beverly Hills Cop 3 The problem with Eddie Murphy is that he’s hilarious for a couple of hours at a time, but when subjected to his antics longer than that, you start to fight an overwhelming urge to slap him lightly across both cheeks with the sharp end of a claw hammer. The original Beverly Hills Cop is a classic movie that helped launch the production career of Jerry Bruckheimer, for which all fans of action movies are eternally grateful. Thank you Eddie Murphy, thank you so very, very much. The suspension of disbelief started to get excessive with the release of Beverly Hills Cop 2. We were supposed to belief that a Detroit cop would make yet another trip to Los Angeles, to make all the LAPD detectives look like rubes and bust up another crime ring? Alright, fine. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice? Ain’t gonna happen. There is no way they could possibly expect us to believe that Axel Foley would find it necessary to go back to LA again, rig… Dammit. Now we’ve just gone into movie premise bullshit territory. Detective Foley pursues a crime ring cleverly hidden inside a chain of amusement parks. Because nothing goes better together than Bugs Bunny and crack cocaine. The third movie was missing some of the original actors, Jerry Bruckheimer was not involved in any way with the movie, and Eddie Murphy deliberately tried to play the straight man role in a franchise literally built on Eddie being funny. Eddie Murphy is incapable of playing in a dramatic role, it’s not in his nature. And that’s fine. Plenty of actors are incapable of playing certain roles. For example, Arnold Schwarzeneggar is incapable of playing a comedic role. But that didn’t stop them from trying. The simple fact is that Eddie was depressed because he recently discovered he couldn’t act like Denzel, and was coming off a string of unsuccessful films, and phoned in the performance. The result? Crappy movie. Plus, listen to this song. See if you can go more than 30 seconds without trying to puncture your eardrums with a nail file. 2. Mel Gibson, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome There are many things to make fun of with regards to Mel Gibson; he’s an internet funnyman’s wet dream. But today, we will not pick on him for his crazy racist ways, but rather for his overinsistence on playing the Lone Ranger in post apocalyptic Australia. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we’re talking about Mad Max. He’s gonna eat your babies. The Mad Max trilogy degenerates as the franchise wound on, becoming more and more crazy as the movies progressed. We get to watch as Max murdered crazy villain after crazy villain, usually by running them over with a truck. Lord Humongous and the Gay Stripper Gang featured prominently. But as far as pure bizarre goes, nothing can compete with the third film in the series, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. It is clear that Mel is reaching from the beginning, when he is shown at the helm of a Conestoga Wagon with all terrain tires driven by camels, and is then promptly attacked by a dive bomber who knocks him off his perch and steals his stuff. He is then confronted by Bartertown, a wretched hive in th[...]

There’s no way to prove that luck as we know it exists. Most people believe it out of superstition or firsthand experience with improbable odds. With experiences like the following, it becomes much harder to disprove. 1. Frane Selak If you’ve ever wondered where action movies get their increasingly bizarre scenarios from, look no further than the life of Frane Selak, a Croatian man who’s escaped more vehicle accidents than most people are willing to put up with. This again? Oh, come on! Selak’s history of WTF begins in the sixties when he was riding on a train that derailed into a river. This being January, the list of terrible things that could happen as a result of a train diving into a river were greatly increased. Selak wasn’t among the seventeen dead, having escaped with a broken arm. A year later, Selak (who had presumably sworn off of trains) was taking a flight on a commercial airliner when the cabin doors were blown off. Selak was blown away with nineteen other people. He was the only one to have survived, landing on a haystack and avoiding other injuries. A year after that, Salek tried his hand at buses and promptly found himself in a freezing river again. After being stuck by a bus and escaping a car explosion twice, Frane hit some good luck that didn’t involve near death in 2004 when he won the Croatian Million Dollar lottery. 2. Timothy Dexter To make it in the business world nowadays you need some sort of education, a sense of direction and some sort of knowledge of the business world itself. Timothy Dexter, a 1700’s eccentric, defied this logic in every possible way. He couldn’t even spell properly but somehow became one of the most successful business men in New England. Raised as a farmhand, a young Dexter picked up his trade seemingly on a whim and immediately found good fortune despite being publicly known as a poorly educated hick. His contemporaries were known to give him bad advice with the intention of ruining him financially. One such tip was importing warming pans to the West Indies, an area noted for its warmth. A captain on his ship sold them as ladles to a growing molasses company, turning a large profit. It was then suggested that he sell wool mittens to the same people, who in turn bought them all and sold them to Siberia. After being convinced to sell coal to Newport, he arrived just in time for a miner’s strike, making a small fortune. His entire career was made off of such success and it most likely wouldn’t have happened if people weren’t trying to undermine his non-integrity all the time. Haters gonna hate. At the age of fifty he published his memoir A Pickle for the Knowing Ones or Plain Truth in a Homespun Dress. Initially he gave the book away for free but soon found a publishing house that ran eight editions. Oddly enough, the book contains absolutely no punctuation within the text. 3. Jason and Jenny Cairns-Lawrence People usually only get to directly experience a terrorist attack once in their lifetime. That is because terrorist attacks have the tendency to kill lots of people. However, Jason and Jenny Cairns-Lawrence are not among them. In fact, they’ve witnessed major acts of terrorism first hand three times without being harmed themselves. Their feel-good story begins with a trip to New York City on September 11th, making them witnesses to the worst terrorist attack in American history. Four years later the duo was in London when bombs were detonated across the city’s transit system, killing fifty people. Rounding out this horrible trilogy, the couple happened to be vacationing in Mumbai when the city was under siege by terrorists. Their travel agent would later be revealed to be Satan himself. “Why yes, I hear Darfur is quite lovely this time of year.” Despite bearing witness to three of the worst events of their lifetime, the two keep a fairly optimistic view about it despite the fact that they we[...]

What is magic? If you’re like us, magic is something that you wished desperately would become part of your life until you were way past the time when most people stop believing in it. Also, you would still do silly stuff like jump off of things and in the hopes that this would be the time you’d end up flying long into your teenage years. Or maybe that really is just us… Anyway, the thing about magic is it’s a fictional thing (according to the “experts,” at least – we’re still holding out for solid proof!), and thus people tend not to agree on its exact shape and form. In fact, different authors have created entirely different universes based on how they believe that magic should work. Although there is a bit of overlap between the various models, we’ve done our best to stick them in concrete and completely arbitrary categories. For example… 1. Aristocratic Model Each of these ten year olds has enough power to kill your entire city. Just sayin'. In the Aristocratic Model of magical distribution, only some people have powers. That means that you could be muddling around, driving to and from work, yelling at your kids or your dog, and wondering how you’re going to get the house clean for your in-laws who’ve just told you they’re going to show up within the hour, while your next-door neighbor is trying to get his flying carpet to work right. The Aristocratic model is broken down into two subsets. One is the Blatant Aristocratic Model, which deals with worlds in which everyone knows that people among them can use magic (as is the case with Tamora Pierce’s work, such as Wild Magic). As you can imagine, having strong magical powers tends to elevate those who have them, or else those with power are born to others with power – in power. Personally, we think we’d be a little cautious (as in, never leave our homes) if we knew that someone in our neighborhood could fry our eyeballs without blinking. But in these worlds, no one really seems to mind that some people have magic, especially when the dragons and demons come knocking on their doors and eating their friends. The other is the Secretive Aristocratic Model, which deals with worlds in which not everyone knows that people among them can use magic (as is the case with J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series.). This means that those with magic either stick together to avoid the non-magicals, or else they have to learn to live mostly magic-less lives. As you can imagine, this often leads to strife. I mean, wouldn’t you think that the ability to strangle someone from across the room should give you some sort of privileges, like cutting in line at your local McDonald’s? 2. Democratic Model Piers Anthony is very punny! Get it? Get it!?!?!? Now here’s a model of magical power distribution that the good ole’ U.S. of A. can get behind: everyone in the world has his or her own magical powers. No one is left out in the cold. However, it ends up being a bit similar to the aristocratic model when you’re looking at situations such as those presented in the Xanth series by Piers Anthony. Sure, everyone has powers, but only a certain few (those in power) have high-quality magic, such as the ability to talk to any plant or animal, or the ability to regenerate injured body parts. Everyone else is stuck with the ability to make a spot on the wall or stack plates really high. Seriously, if that was your power, don’t you think that you’d get a little pissed off after a while? An even more democratic model is portrayed in worlds such as that in the video game World of Warcraft. Everyone has magical powers (and yes, I’m considering hefting a sword twice your height to be a magical power) and you have the ability to increase that power over time if you put in enough effort. Yay for magicalism! 3. Vampire Model Not only do we have amazing powers, we[...]

Some men fight crocodiles for a living. But, most don’t. Most people just sit at home and watch other people on TV kill snakes, bears, crocodiles, and stingrays (ooh, sorry). But, there are a select few who will go out of their way to kill something when they aren’t paid to do it. These people are the standard to which all others are held when declaring one’s badassery. 5. Von Pardue vs. Pit Bull How Scary Is It? The pit bull is a type of dog (Canis lupus familiaris) that is well known for its rage. There are tons of myths surrounding the pit bull, but most of them are false. They can’t lock their jaws, they will let go if they are told to, they aren’t bloodthirsty monsters, and they don’t have jaws that dish out two thousand pounds of force. Nonetheless… you should be afraid of them. They are really determined, and their jaw strength is 235 pounds of force, which is really impressive. And so, when they bite something that they don’t want to let go of, they won’t lock their jaw, but they will make sure you don’t open it by biting really hard. Gary Busey, a close relative of the Pit Bull, about to bite a cameraman. To put that in perspective, it takes roughly 37 pounds of force to break someone’s neck. They have over six times that strength. And it uses it… to kill people. Pit bulls are banned in some places because of the number of pit bull related fatalities. Score: Man 1; Beast 0 While going for a morning walk, a man named Von Pardue saw a cute little doggy along the street. It wasn’t just any cute little doggy, though. It was his neighbor’s pit bull. Being the bastard that a pit bull is, it decided to just randomly attack him. Being the manly man that he was, Pardue, while being bitten, dragged the beast to his house. What he did next is amazing. While his hand was still in the dog’s mouth, he took his other hand (probably while yelling in rage/pain) and punched the pit bull in the chest. It opened its jaws and out popped his other hand, which, presumably while still bleeding testosterone, he used to grab it by the collar. He has this instead of blood. He took it to his backyard, and by the time the police got to the house, Pardue had already “accidentally” choked it. Yeah, sure. Sure, that’s definitely possible… “accidentally” choking something. If it doesn’t work for teens caught in the moment, it shouldn’t work for him. 4. Arizonan vs. Rabies Bobcat How Scary Is It? The bobcat itself isn’t that frightening. A male bobcat weighs anywhere between 16 and 30 pounds and is roughly three feet long, on average. That makes it the equivalent of a wild, fat, large cat. Nothing to be that afraid of, right? Well, it also has sharp, retractable claws and sharp teeth. But, once again, that’s like a normal cat, just a bit more intense. What made this particular animal deadly is that it had rabies. It is believed that Busey had rabies at the time of this photograph. Rabies is a virus that makes things go nuts and then it kills you. But, before you die, you go nuts and want to bite things. The same happens to animals, and that is actually a primary way the rabies virus is transmitted. So, not only was this bobcat nuts (e.g. wildly aggressive and randomly attacking), it also carried a lethal virus that almost always kills if not treated before symptoms arise. Score: Man 2; Beast 0 This man was approached in his front yard by a bobcat with rabies. Being the badass he very well must be, he did not flee the scene, as everyone and their mother would have. Instead, he stood his ground and waited to be attacked, possibly with a halo over his head [citation not needed]. Jesus would have done the same thing, brah. But he was attacked, and so, doing as all country men from Yavapai County, Arizona, would do, he took it by the cat-throat and started strangling the hell out of it. While we think it would have been cooler if he did the People’s Elbow and put the cat in a choke hold, strangling was apparently good enough for this cat-killing [...]

In this day and age of near Big-Brother levels of surveillance (and we’re not just talking about that terrible excuse for a television show here), you pretty much have to have some way of identifying yourselves to the authorities in a pinch. Whether you’re smuggling illegals across the border, visiting your hidden Swiss money stash or just trying to get into a bar, someone, somewhere is going to want to know exactly who you are. Because we haven’t quite committed to switching over to tattooed barcodes or thumb-print scans (yet), we have to stick with little bits of paper with various types of information on them. The downside is that they are much easier to lose and/or fake; the upside is that it hurts a lot less if someone tries to steal your identity. And it’s a lot simpler if you ever run into a situation where “losing” your identity is your only choice. All of this means, of course, that you have to find some way of storing these little bits of paper. Which leads to an interesting conundrum: which will you chose? Which suits your personality best? When the heck are they going to stop messing around and universalize the thumbprint scan technology? 1. In Your Pocket Occasionally, cash works as well as or better than regular forms of identification. This is the choice for minimalists, whether they’re hiking the Appalachian Trail, leaving their trailer on a beer run, or getting wasted on the dance floor. Do you not want to carry more than you have to? Do you have a convenient extra fold of fabric built into a piece of your clothing? Excellent! You can join the millions who keep a very important document in a very unsafe place. That’s right; it’s very easy for an identification card to fall out of your pocket, or for someone to steal it. Sure, it’s fine when you’re a girl and you’re wearing very, very tight pants (and not sitting down and cracking said card). In fact, the wearing of tight pants by (attractive) women should be encouraged, if only for this one reason. But in general, this method of storage is employed by people willing to play it fast and loose, who aren’t particularly responsible. 2. In Your Wallet You may not know it, but your personal coolness level is directly correlated to the coolness of your wallet. The wallet is the standard choice of identification storage for most men (and some women). The extra protection and comforting weight of the wallet in your pocket makes your documentation more secure than letting your personal identification float around by itself, and it makes it easier for you to realize if it goes missing. In addition, you can use your wallet as a way of expressing your unique identity. Is it made of expensive leather? Sheet metal? Duct tape? For every personality type, there’s a wallet to match. The only problem with this storage method is that, if it gets too thick and you put it in your back pocket, you can actually cause structural damage to your butt muscles and your back (http://www.acatoday.org/content_css.cfm?CID=73). Yep, that’s a fact. You have to decide between possibly being extradited across country lines, or permanently damaging an essential part of the anatomy. Hard choice, huh? 3. In a Purse Is that a human finger? Don't be surprised if the answer is "yes." Many women choose to store their personal identification in a purse. What many men don’t realize is that this is not only a form of storage, but also a form of defense. It’s virtually impossible for anyone other than the owner of the purse to find a desired item within (and even then, it’s not a certain bet). The magical properties of the purse make it so that even if a person were to steal the purse itself and empty out the entire contents, the thief would have a difficult time finding anything useful among all the receipts, lip glosses, hairbrushes, small toys, mismatched socks, living plants[...]

History is riddled with strange coincidences. The history of the United States in particular has its fair share of “what the hell” moments one might not expect. Some are merely just that: coincidences. Others helped shape the course of history. If you haven’t studied the history of the United States then you may have missed these moments. The following list focuses on those relating to Presidents. 1. A Booth Saves A Lincoln On April 14th, 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot at Ford’s Theater by crazy man John Wilkes Booth. His dying words were “Shit son, I’ve been shot,” and are often immortalized by rappers in a similar situation. “Fo shizzle.” However, the Lincolns and the Booths had previous interactions that didn’t end in murder. Years before, Edwin Booth was boarding a train at Jersey City. At the time it was common for passengers to buy their tickets from the conductor as the train pulled into the station. The design of the boarding platform left a great deal of distance between the passenger and the train itself, creating a “death pit” of sorts. Before Edwin could purchase his ticket a man had been knocked into the gap through a combination of the train’s movement and the crowding of others. By his own account he was “helpless,” until Edwin pulled him up by the collar of his shirt. The man immediately recognized Edwin, a famous actor, as his rescuer, but Edwin was not aware that the man he saved was Robert Lincoln until he received a letter of thanks months after. “Whoa.” When his brother managed to screw the family name a few years later, Edwin comforted himself with the memory of saving Robert’s life. Robert, however, wouldn’t find comfort so easily. 2. Lincoln Saves No One As the only child of President Lincoln to reach adulthood, Robert held a significant place within his family. However, he holds a strange place in history because at sometime during his life he was cursed by a traveling sorcerer to play witness to two Presidential assassinations. Robert declined his parents’ invitation to Ford’s Theater the night his dad shook hands with a bullet. His decision against going was something he regretted for the rest of his life. After the death of his father, Robert returned to private life until James Garfield, a friend of the Lincolns, offered him the position of Secretary of War. Lincoln accepted this offer. Later he was offered to join the President at his college reunion. Running late, Robert arrived just in time to see Garfield get shot by Charles Guiteau, presumed college jock. “NEERRRRRRRRRRRRD!” Having returned to private life again, Robert received another invitation in 1901, this time from President McKinley to attend the Pan-American Expo. Robert arrived to the Expo just in time to see Leon Czolgosz corpse the President. After the event Robert declined all invitations from Presidents, with the exception of the dedication of the Lincoln Memorial. 3. Frienemies to the Grave American history presents the founding fathers as being the best of buds. The truth is you have a bunch self-important dudes with syphilis arguing over what is best for democracy. It’s unfathomable to think that all of these people got along together without incident. This incident took the form of John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, America’s first set of Presidential arch-enemies. There can be only one, I guess. Despite the roles the two men played in forming the new America, they were constantly at odds with one another. Everything seemed to be a matter of differing opinions, from the role government should take to the proper way to powder one’s wig. Their heated debates spilled over into Presidential elections; the two men served as the second and third Presidents, opposing each other both times. The first election, the election of 1796, is notable for the amount of mudslinging that took place, with “treason” being the popular accusation. “Haters gon[...]

Rock ‘n roll is awesome, and fiction is pretty badass, too. As such, it only makes sense that when the two of them combine, the badassery that results is comparable to Sylvester Stallone beating up Megatron. With his bare hands, on top of a volcano. With, like, Playboy Bunnies in the background. All exaggerated descriptions of masculine interests aside, fictional bands are a novelty for many of us, a slightly clever way of celebrating our love of pop culture and shared childhood memories. You know those hipster kids who think they are cool because they like a band that no one else has heard of? Doesn’t matter, because you are infinitely cooler for liking a band that doesn’t exist. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the more memorable musical groups that never were. 1. The Beets Hailing from Liverpool, The Beets are a trio of rock and rollers whose world-shaking musical creations are familiar to anyone who grew up in America during the 90s and owned a TV. Thanks to Nickelodeon’s dominance over our collective childhood, we all remember laughing at the antics of the Rugrats, pretending (unsuccessfully) not to be scared by episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, and, perhaps most importantly of all, coming of age with Doug, the animated chronicles of an awkward and self-conscious kid in the suburban town of Bluffington. The Beets, a not-veiled-at-all tribute to The Beatles, were a constant presence in the show, and we’ve got to credit the series’ creators for having the foresight to hire guest songwriters who were actually capable of crafting some genuinely catchy tunes. Who didn’t watch Doug and secretly enjoy the song “Killer Tofu” just a little bit? It wasn’t uncommon during the 90s to hear one of your peers softly humming the melody on the bus to school, hoping no one would notice. As an added bonus, many of us watching the had not yet been exposed to a lot of real rock music, and when our parents told us that The Beets were actually just caricatures of another Fab Four, we were introduced to some of the greatest popular music ever released. Add in the fact that Doug often referenced other fictional bands that seemed to be based on real groups—“The Psychedelic Fuzz” sounds a whole lot like The Psychedelic Furs—and as it turns out, this little cartoon may have been even more hip than we give it credit for. So of course, we were all more than a little upset when The Beets broke up during Disney’s not-so-gritty reboot of the original series. Is nothing sacred? 2. Jesse and the Rippers Full House may have permanently ruined an entire generation of young American men. Those of us raised on the never-ending drama of the Tanner family learned far too many of our significant life lessons from this series, and the results may have been disastrous. What do we think a normal family consists of? Every single relative, as well as your dad’s best friend, living together under one roof. In San Francisco. Forever. With a dog. What do we think nuanced and crowd-pleasing comedy consists of? Dave Coulier talking in a Popeye voice whenever he opens his damn mouth. And, of course, what do we think defines pure male power and masculine strength? John Stamos rocking a glorified mullet. Yeah, Uncle Jesse defined the hard-living rock and roll lifestyle, didn’t he? Living with his brother-in-law, marrying a morning talk show star (that’s like, only a few steps down from full-fledged movie star), owning a motorcycle, hell, occasionally even riding a motorcycle. On top of that, he was a struggling musician, constantly toiling on failed projects but best known for his work as the frontman of Jesse and the Rippers. He had a studio down in the basement where he frequently brought a random gang of musicians representing what the show’s producers thought wannabe rock stars looked like (that means they were dressed like 80s preteens waiting in line at a Van Halen concert). Sadly, nothing much ever came of the band. They played a few [...]

It shouldn’t really come as a shock that some movie directors have gigantic egos. Or, in some cases, Titanic egos. After all, these are some of the most powerful men and women in Hollywood. They control hundreds of millions of dollars and get to boss around some of the biggest stars in the world. Also, if they pull off a successful film, people fawn all over them and tell them again and again how brilliant they are. Now some of these people don’t let the accolades go to their heads. Take Steven Spielberg, who by all accounts let’s his Oscar collect dust while he’s busy being totally awesome. Another great example is Sam Raimi, who by all accounts is as humble and down to earth as can be. Of course, on the other hand, there are guys like these… 1. M. Night Shyamalan M. Early Morning is also president of the obviously-made-up-Hollywood-name-club. There might not be a more narcissistic person working in Hollywood today than M. Night Shyamalan, who burst onto the scene with the brilliantly moody The Sixth Sense and in turn created the need for every horror and suspense film to have a shocking twist at the very end. Thanks a lot for that, buddy, it sure worked out for you in The Village. Anyway, while some directors don’t let early successes inflate their egos (see: Spielberg, Steven), M. Night was more than willing to jump aboard the “I’m so awesome, everyone love me” train. The end result, of course, is that he has become pretty much a joke around Tinseltown. We first started to notice that M. Night might have just a tiny bit of an ego when he started writing himself into crucial roles in all of his movies, beginning with Signs. But then he went just a tad too far when Lady in the Water came around, in which he didn’t simply make himself a key part off the story, but his character, who not so coincidentally is a writer, is basically a god who controls an entire world with what he writes. It’s one thing to pop into your own movies; Alfred Hitchcock was famous for it. It’s quite another, however, to basically suggest to the audience that you’re a diety. 2. Vincent Gallo Luckily it’ll be harder for him to trade insults with a ambiguously hosted website. Unlike M. Night or any of the other directors on this list, only those of you that are big into Indie films have probably heard of Vincent Gallo. There’s probably a good reason for that, and that reason is that his films really suck. And speaking of sucking, if there is one reason you might be familiar with Gallo’s work, it’s precisely that. Now you may not know the film The Brown Bunny by title, but if we were to say “it’s the movie wherein Chloe Sevigny gives actual oral sex on camera” then we’re guessing the likelihood that you know exactly what film we’re referring to increases exponentially. Frankly, we could not tell you what the heck The Brown Bunny is actually about; it’s only famous for that one scene. We give M. Night a hard time for writing himself into key roles in movies, but at least he never had the audacity to write a scene for the express purpose of getting a little action and showing off his package on camera. He has also famously traded vicious barbs with film critic Roger Ebert after Ebert gave him a bad review. And to cap things off, there is a Vincent Gallo merchandise website that apparently sells his sperm. Now we have no idea if this is a joke or not, but based on Gallo’s incredible narcissism we certainly wouldn’t put the possibility of it being legit past him. 3. James Cameron You’d have to be Na’vi to miss an ego this big (that was the last pun, we swear. Come on now, you didn’t really think we’d make that “Titanic sized ego” joke back at the beginning of the article and then not include Mr. King of the World himself, James Cameron, did you? Unlike the rest of the people on this list, Cameron can actually back up his enormous ego with some true talent and innovation. One of the most inventive and successful directors of all-time, Cameron has mad[...]

When exploring a new field of science it’s almost expected that some tragedies will occur because of the very ignorance the scientific community is struggling to conquer. Although tragic, it’s perfectly understandable that Marie Curie, the discoverer of radioactive materials, was unaware of the dangers of radiation and handled radium and polonium without proper protective gear. However, there are some inventors who should have known better, had all the warning necessary, yet still proceeded to get themselves killed by their own creations. These highly mockable people include… 1. al-Jawhari and Franz Reichelt – The guys who wanted to be Icarus Wow, wax wings. Better wait by the mailbox for your Nobel. Since our earliest days, humanity was obsessed with flying. There are countless legends of men and gods that somehow manage to take to the skies, spitting on all those fools who were still stuck on ground. Probably the most famous such myth is the ancient Greek story of Icarus, the boy who tried to fly with wings made by his father out of wood and wax. The sun melted said wax and he crashed into the sea and died. Needlessly to say, strapping a piece of wood to your back with wax won’t make you airborne, however this didn’t stop inventors from trying. The first wise man who supposedly tried to fly by using home-made wings was the Islamic mathematician and philosopher al-Jawhari. According to ancient historians, who, in all honesty, are not always the most accurate sources, the Muslim mathematician decided to put the Icarus legend to a rigorous session of myth busting. Unfortunately for him, gravity was not asleep that day and he immediately crashed to the ground. We’re sure there is a more complicated story behind the whole event, a story that probably involved a lot of booze and some taunting. The next person to try jumping of a tall structure in hopes that somehow they will float was Franz Reichelt, a French tailor who decided that jumping off the Eifel Tower sounded like a pretty good idea. In his defense he did have a home-made parachute and an awesome moustache, neither of which really helped in the long run. Mary Poppins ain’t got nothin’ on him. 2. Henry Winstanley – The Dedicated Architect A stunning example of whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Henry was a pretty stubborn merchant; when his fifth ship in a row sunk on the jagged cliff of Eddystone, he declared he would take care of this menace. Despite the advice of several sailors that the rock was too dangerous and he should just take a wider berth, Henry started working on a lighthouse. The construction that was supposed to be made out of simple stone and wood ended up having more decorations, bells and whistles than the wig of an eighteenth century French king. You see, Henry didn’t just want to warn other ships about potential danger, he wanted to show the Eddystone who was boss. The lighthouse barely withstood the harsh weather, but it did its job, warning ships of the dangerous coastline and Henry’s interest in bizarre architecture. In fact the tower did the job so well that Henry bragged nothing could harm the lighthouse. He went on to claim that he was confident enough to spend even the worst storm in the little wooden structure and proved he was a man of his word on the 27th of November 1703. While the regular lighthouse keepers ran away as fast as they could Henry stayed behind making repairs and calling the storm a little wussy. We’ll let you draw the conclusion on who won between the ocean and a rather shaky wooden tower perched precariously on a jagged rock. (Hint: the ocean is not included in this list of inventors that got killed because of their inventions.) 3. Valerian Abakovsky – The Aerowagon People showed up for the same reason people watch NASCAR. Science is awesome: it gave us the internet, Twinkies and we guess medicine is kinda’ cool too, but damn it, sometimes an inventor simply goes too far. We’re not even ta[...]

The Gods of Old were all-powerful, spiteful, and most of all, nymphomaniacs. Most of the deities in any polytheistic religion boil down to one god ing another god and then making a baby god. Then the daddy god s the daughter god and more gods appear. The cycle repeats. Eventually, there are so many gods that there is even a god of masturbation. But that is beside the point. What’s important is, they loved conceiving children and then giving birth in a normal way. Or did they? Some gods were born or conceived in the most retarded fashions imaginable. It makes you wonder, just what kind of crack were the ancients on? 6. Second Generation of Frost Giants Mythology of Origin: Norse The Myth: This myth begins in the same way that most creation myths begin – there is nothing in the beginning, and then there is a creature. In this case, the creature is sleeping. The world’s first creature, according to Nordic mythology, was named Ymir, the founder of the race of frost giants. His children, an unnamed son, an unnamed daughter, and a third, six-headed monstrosity of a frost giant, named Þrúðgelmir (pronounced… Wharglebarglefargle? No, it really isn’t; Thruhd-gel-mere), were born in bizarre ways. His unnamed son and unnamed daughter were born from the armpits of this astounding beast: one from the left and the other from the right (implied). This is likely where an entire race of frozen denizens of the underworld were created. What’s bizarre about this origin myth is not the fact that his children were born from his pits (well, that is weird) but the fact that they arose out of a pregnant armpit with a fully formed body. His third child, Þrúðgelmir, was born in an even stranger fashion. Ymir’s left leg and his right leg got jiggy with it and out popped a fully-formed six headed monstrosity. This implies, however, that his legs were of different sexes. While this has not been observed in the real-world just yet, scientists are still looking for the descendents of frost giants whose legs are capable of reproducing with one another. 5. The Enrinyes/The Gigantes/Aphrodite Mythology of Origin: Greek The Myth: In the beginning, there were just two deities: Uranus and Gaia. Uranus personified the sky and Gaia personified the Earth. Uranus was the husband of Gaia, and they had children together. Such an arrangement is common in ancient creation stories. However, what is not common is that the father hated his children. In fact, he hated them so much that he had them imprisoned in his wife, Gaia, causing her a great deal of pain. Her pain must have been so terrible, in fact, that she ordered her husband castrated. Forming a huge knife from the Earth, she told her sons to go cut off her husband’s dick, a story that is well known even today. Particularly, it was Cronus, the next king of the gods, who performed the deed of genital-hacking. Pictured above is Cronus, future king of gods and noted dick-slasher. Once the dickocide was done, the blood pouring from his genitals struck the ground and created a whole cast of creatures in the Greek pantheon. The Enrinyes, the Three Fates, were formed from this castration. The Gigantes, the Giants, were also formed. Cronus proceeded to throw his father’s dick into the sea, and from the foam that developed, Aphrodite was born. Apparently, Uranus’ phallus was shell-shaped. What makes this myth remarkable is that they call this process of being born from the penis of a god “fertilization.” The Greek explanation is that Gaia was the Earth, so that when the blood struck the Earth, she was “fertilized,” much in the same way that, when a fish’s blood touches its wife’s eggs, the eggs are fertilized. Or something. 4. Hermaphroditus Mythology of Origin: Greek The Myth: It’s the story of a normal, pre-civilization Greek boy. He was the child of Hermes and Aphrodite, a strange couple indeed. But, he was not raised in this unlikely household. Instead, it is said that he was raised in caves on Mount Ida in mode[...]

We believe it was Nelson Mandela who once opined “Sleep! That’s where I’m a viking!” Indeed, truer words were never spoken. Sleep is the one part of our lives where no rules apply and the very definitions of reality themselves can be told to shove off. It also happens to be the time when the absolute scariest things imaginable can happen to anybody. Even you. 1. Exploding Head Syndrome What It Is: A sudden unexplained noise that occurs while you are falling into or are a few hours into sleep. It’s sort of like when you walk up behind the family dog while it’s napping and shout obscenities at it, only in the case of EHS the obscenities are described as explosions and seem to occur within the ear itself. Also, you should probably stop shouting at that poor dog. The sounds are just that: a sound. Sufferers report no pain from the experience. However, the “explosions” are often recurring events, happening throughout one’s lifetime and as you get older they can occur several times within the same night. What Causes It: Some physicians believe the EHS is linked with extreme fatigue and stress. If that sounds a little general to you that’s because no, no one actually knows what causes the explosions inside your head. They have, however, ruled out dynamite. Common theories suggest that EHS is the result of sudden movement of the middle ear component. Some more extreme ideas suggest that it could be the result of a minor seizure or epilepsy. Sufferers often report that they think they are having a stroke. So take your pick, people. The Really Bad Part: In cases where attacks are common or severe, the sufferer may develop other sleep disorders (such as insomnia) that result from a fear of sleep or rest. And thus EHS is the gift that keeps on taking. 2. Sexsomnia What It Is: While hilariously named, sexsomnia (or sleep sex, for those of you who intend on talking about this in public) is a serious problem: a form of non-rapid eye movement that can cause people to engage in various sex acts while asleep. While this may seem like the desire of every thirteen year-old on the planet, those with sexsomnia have little to no recollection of what they did. Penthouse forum this isn’t. I did what to you? What Causes It: Sleeping disorders which involve actions committed while asleep fall under a family of disorders called parasomnias. Parsomnias are caused by abnormalities in the brain’s biological process of waking up. Generally, triggers familiar to the parasomnia are what cause them in the first place. In the case of sleep sex, touching or being touched while sleeping can cause your nighttime sexcapades. Of course, that isn’t always the case and sometimes sleep sex can occur without any such trigger because your brain simply likes sex more than it likes you. The Really Bad Part: Sexsomnia has also been linked to sexual assault and rape. The attacker will remember nothing of the event and could very well continue without ever knowing what they are doing if not presented with any sort of evidence. In the past ten years, sleep sex has also been used as a successful defense during rape trials, and probably some divorce proceedings. 3. African Sleeping Sickness What It Is: Not so much a sleeping disorder as it is a disease, Africa Sleeping Sickness causes the victim to stay up all night and be unable to stay awake during the day. And that’s the good part. Other symptoms include swelling of the lymph nodes, severe headaches and joint pain, anemia, cardiac and kidney dysfunctions. Then if you’re lucky you slip into a coma and die. You know, I doubt Africa’s tourism boards appreciate the naming of various, pants-crappingly terrifying diseases after their continent. It’s got to be really hard to get people to book those flights when they think comas are just waiting to mug them while they’re sleeping. What Causes It: This little guy here: The tsetse fly spread[...]