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If you’re a person reading comedy on the internet, then odds are at some point in your life, you’ve watched Seinfeld. And if you’re at all familiar with the show, there’s a pretty good chance you remember the episode in which Jerry and George decide that the plot of their pilot for NBC should revolve around a guy being sentenced to become Jerry’s butler. Even by Seinfeld standards, it was a little preposterous, but that was the point. It could never happen in real life, and that’s what made it funny. I mean, it couldn’t actually happen in real life, could it? Well, that depends on who you get as a judge, if these cases are any indication. 1. The Poor Kid Who Just Wanted a Little Porn Back in 2004, a kid named Jeremy Sherwood was into the same things as most other teenagers. You know, having a good time, looking at porn, and petty larceny. One day the three converged, and young Jeremy was caught red handed. No word on whether his hands were red from all that masturbating to his stolen porn. Wait…so these really DO still exist? After he was caught stealing some porn from an adult video store, Sherwood was given a choice: 30 days in jail, or wear a blindfold in front of the store from which he stole while holding a sign reading “See No Evil.” Naturally, Jeremy went with door number two and endured what was probably a lonely afternoon of people thinking he was a bible nut making a statement. Of course I’m just left to wonder: what the hell is an American teenager stealing porn from a store when there’s so much readily available on the internet? 2. The Tire Slashing, Sweater Knitting Granny Old people can get a little crazy. It’s not really news to say that, since we’ve all had grandparents or at least been leered at awkwardly by some crazy old man named Pete. For the record, no, you don’t want his special candy. Anyway, an 89-year-old German woman named Heidi Kohl went a little nuts one night and decided to slash the tires of cars parked up and down her street. Apparently, she had gotten fed up with the sheer audacity of the people in her neighborhood, who for some reason believed that since they lived on the street, they should be able to park there. Not on Heidi’s watch, you nervy assholes. And they inadvertently punished the victims at the same time In an attempt to out-crazy ol’ Heidi, the judge decided that the best recourse would be sentencing her to…no, not prison time…not a fine either. Nope, she was ordered by the court to knit sweaters for each of her victims. Which we think was a little bit of an easy sentence, because we all know that next to being crazy, the thing old people like best is going hog wild with a needle and some thread. 3. “I Now Pronounce You Abuser and Victim” You know, maybe it’s just me, but if you’re a man or a woman in an abusive relationship, probably the last thing you should do is stay with that abusive significant other. I mean for God’s sake, look at all of those Lifetime movies dealing with this very issue! And if you can’t trust a Lifetime movie that’s telling you that staying in an abusive relationship is bad news, then who or what can you trust? Nothing, that’s who or what. Or maybe it’s a little bit of both. Either way, it’s a bad idea. No, this should be what a marriage looks like But that didn’t stop a judge in Ohio back in 1995 from ordering a man suspected of domestic violence to settle down with his girlfriend in the apparent belief that married men do not beat their wives. According to the judge, the idea that there are actual “marital bonds” might make the abuser think things over before resorting to physical abuse. And it’s just so much easier for a woman to get out of an abusive relationship when you have to go through all of the legal trouble stemming from a divorce, right? Good call there, your honor.

We men really do love breasts, especially big breasts: we talk about them, brag about touching them and apparently now write extensive comedy articles about them for the internet. Many women might think it’s juvenile on our part to obsess so much over nothing more than a pair of meat sacks filled with fat, but there are many stories out there which support our collective theory that breasts are just plain awesome. So sit back and relax, here are the 6 weirdest facts and tales about breasts. 6. Small Knockers Almost Got Vietnamese Bikers Banned From the Roads In 2008 the Vietnamese government was seriously considering banning all females whose chests measured less than 28 inches from riding their motorbikes on public roads. Allegedly this was a bid from the Ministry of Health aimed at making sure that the people behind the handlebars remain healthy, but it’s quite obvious that they were just trying to pressure the women into getting b00b jobs. If you have ever interacted with a Vietnamese person or saw one of those oriental X-rated movies on the ad**t You Tubes that everybody’s talking about, then you know that eastern Asian females don’t really carry around a pair of huge portable airbags on their chests. In that region small breasts are not the sign of sickness, they are the sign of (a little bit depressing and flat) normality, and it almost cost thousands of ladies the use of their Vespas. In 2009 however, the proponents of this bill finally got smacked over the head by their wives and the idea died out. 5. Breasts Can Become Bigger Via a Cellphone Ringtone Speaking of smaller breasts from East Asia, it somehow seems appropriate that the inventor of the first noninvasive breast augmentation procedure that probably works, hails from Japan. For a number of years now Dr. Hideto Tomabechi has been preoccupied with 2 things: sounds and breasts, and in 2008 he combined his 2 passions into the “Rock Melon” – a ringtone which supposedly causes titties to gain in size if you just listen to it. Dr. Tomabechi has designed the “Rock Melon” sound to carry with it a subliminal cry of an infant child, which allegedly works on a woman’s brain causing it to instinctively switch to motherhood mode, making her chest jugs fill with milk. After listening to the tone 20 times a day for a couple of days, one of the good doctor’s test subjects reported her breasts grew in size by almost an entire inch! The only question that remains is: why aren’t we feeding this sound through every loudspeaker in the country? 4. Sufficiently Big Melons Can Keep You Out of Prison You would think that the only way breasts could keep anyone from doing jail-time is if that person went back to the judge’s chambers and let him touch them for a couple of minutes. But luckily there are less sad examples of the twins providing legal representation in court, as was the case with Serena Kozakura. In 2007 Serena Kozakura, 38, was convicted of property destruction after she allegedly kicked in the wooden doors to an unnamed man’s apartment and trashed it to hell. However, during a reenactment of the crime, Kozakura proved that the hole someone made in the door was way too small for her and her impressive 44-inch chest to crawl through. Based on just that, the woman was acquitted. It’s probably safe to say she will never curse her massive knockers ever again after it turned out they are her own personal pair of top notch defense lawyers. Oh breasts, is there anything you cannot do?

There are animals in the world that are endangered for all kinds of reasons, usually loss of habitat, over-hunting, ridiculous accidents like oil-spills wiping out the last few. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there are several out there that have the misfortune of being considered delicious in someone’s eyes, and those someones have no issue cleaning them off the face of the planet. 1. Sea Turtles Is there any animal more loveable and innocuous than a sea turtle? They’re big, harmless, and talk like Spiccoli. Don't eat my kids, dude! Eating sea turtles is right up there with clubbing baby seals as a pretty shitty thing to do. They are used for soup, among other things; in New Guinea, Leatherback Turtles are rendered for caulk for boats and oil, other species are used for everything from bags to jewelry in addition to their sweet, sweet meat being eaten. And what could be worse than eating nature’s giant hockey puck? Eating their babies. Nature has given the turtles a tool to combat egg predation; they lay a ton of them. A lot of baby turtles get eaten on the way to the great blue; we’ve all wept quietly to baby sea turtles getting eaten by seagulls on the way to the water on Animal Planet. But as mankind is wont to do, they have trumped nature once again by digging up the eggs and cooking the little bastards before they hatch. They do this all around the world in the tropical belt, where sea turtles swim and lay their eggs, making soup out of the adults, and the kids? They make them into… well, soup. They aren’t very creative, but that doesn’t seem to matter to the turtles; they get eaten all the same. The worst part is that the turtle eaters could probably get away with eating some of the eggs without impacting the numbers of turtles born, but that would be almost acceptable. In most places they true happiness can only be achieved if they eat all of a mother turtle’s eggs. I guess they don’t want to break up the siblings… 2. Chinese Giant Salamander If looks determined who won the evolutionary contest, these things would have been wiped out somewhere around the time cute animals first emerged. A face only a mother could love. Or a Chinese person could eat. Instead, they have managed to cling on for over 200 million years, which is very impressive. Unfortunately for them, they are in china where damn nearly every living thing is considered a delicacy and/or fit to be tortured, mutilated and killed for some sort of weird-ass medicine. I couldn’t find any specific dishes or recipes for giant salamander, but being that they are part of traditional medicine as well, we can only imagine it is horrible and would give children nightmares. Even more than the salamander itself. I’m on the fence with this one as far as how I feel about them being wiped. On one hand, my weepy liberal side thinks that all species are sacred and blah blah blah. On the other hand, they look like a squishy water demon and really, 200 million years is a pretty good run. (Seriously though, stop eating them, China) 3. Ortolan Bunting In case you are unfamiliar with this animal, the Ortolan bunting is a tiny bird that lives in France that was once the gourmet McNugget of that country. Many French people were insane for these little guys. Now, if you thought the methods for making foie gras was cruel, that has nothing on what the poor Ortolan Bunting had to suffer through. They were force-fed grain, just like geese and ducks for foie gras, but then they were drowned in Armangac, stuffed with grain, roasted, and eaten whole. Imagine a cup of pudding flavored with brandy and filled with crunched up potato chips, and you get an idea of what eating one must’ve been like. They were eaten whole, head first, after placing a napkin over your face, because when you ate them, you knew what an a***ole you were being and had to cover your head in shame. Plus, no doubt chewing up a small bird like a Big League Chew mouse being swallow[...]

When do you think people wore the most outlandish fashions? The 1960s? 70s? 80s? Not even close. Throughout history people have been sacrificing their bodies at the altar of fashion and the results were not always pretty and never practical. 1. Shoes It seems like every decade there is a new crazy shoe style. However, out forbearers did crazy a lot better than we do. How else do you explain these incredibly popular shoe styles? The first ridiculous shoe fad started in the 1300s in Europe. Men and women started elongating the tips of their slippers to points. The points got longer and longer until the wearer was in danger of tripping over them. Instead of realizing they’d taken the fad too far, people started attaching the points to the knee with chain or rope. Some shoes points were stuffed with fabric and made into the shape of a man’s genitals. Of course the clergy was furious and tried to discourage people from wearing these shoes on religious grounds. They got no where. In the 1500s shoes went the other direction, literally. Instead of length people cared about width. Once people’s shoes were regularly 10 inches across at the toe and causing serious danger to everyone, England’s Bloody Mary passed a law that no shoe could be wider than a still absurd 6 inches. Today it seems that 6 inch high heels are the craziest we will go with women’s shoes. In the 16th century many Italian women added 8 inch slabs of wood, called chopines, to the soles of their shoes. The logic was it would keep the hems of their dresses clean since the streets were filthy. One has to wonder just how repulsively filthy if they needed more than a foot of clearance. In other parts of Europe these chopines reached 2-3 feet. At that height you literally could not walk without help, in case you fell over. 2. Collars What we know as a collar today started out for both men and women as a large ruff around the neck. The logic was that this would protect the edges of your clothing from wear. It was more economical to replace a ruff than an entire dress or shirt. As with most popular fashion statements, people started competing with each other to have to most extreme version of the ruff. They eventually got so large that they could be up to a foot and a half across and seriously hindered the wearers’ movement. As the ruff died out it was replaced by a high, stiff collar. Again, these collars got higher and stiffer over time. By the early 1800s they were actually a physical danger, as the edges could be so sharp they could cut men’s ears. Even as late as 1902 H.G. Wells complained that the starched fabric “made [the] neck quite sore and left a red mark under [the] ears.” While these days someone with an upturned collar looks like an ass, polo shirts were actually designed to be worn that way. In 1929, René Lacoste created the “tennis shirt” with an upturned collar to prevent sunburn. It was only as people started wearing polo’s on a regular basis (and inside) that they started laying their collars flat. 3. Ties Ties, or the earliest thing resembling one, can be traced back to a group of Croatian mercenaries at the French court of Louis XIV. The soldiers all wore ties and started a fad. They were nothing more than brightly colored silk handkerchiefs tied around the neck, and served absolutely no purpose (just like ties today, come to think of it) but the style caught on at Versailles. And what people were wearing at Versailles was a big deal to the rest of Europe. Soon men were cutting off circulation to their heads with their own fancy scarves all over the continent. They were called Cravats, derived from the French word for Croatian. By the early 1800s, the same time men were injuring themselves with those high collars, they were also garroting themselves with increasingly complex cravats. While a few standard knots suffice for the modern tie wearer, back then cravat tying became an art form. It was such a long and complex effort to [...]

Most of the people who use the Internet fall somewhere between Charles Manson and Street-Corner-Hobo-With-Surprisingly-Strong-Religious-Convictions on the crazy spectrum. This is the likely reason that most people spend as little time wandering about the world wide web as possible: you check your emails, hit up CNN.com for your news, then check Weird Worm for your entertainment (or, for the cynics among you, Weird Worm for your news and CNN for your entertainment). However, hidden deep among the vast sea of illegible YouTube comments and terrifying pretend-hacker groups is a subset of creatures whose worldviews are so mind-blowingly mind blowing that their very existence transcends common humor, heading straight for the realm of the surreal. These are their stories. 5. David Icke WEBSITE: http://www.davidicke.com/ Serious Business Who is he? David Icke is already quite famous for being absolutely fucking bazonkers in real life. However, like all good marketers today, he understands the need to be a complete whackjob online as well. Alright, bring on the crazy. Many years ago, David Icke was a man like you or I: he had a good job as a sports reporter, a wife and family, and was active in both political and environmental issues. A case of bad arthritis stopped him from playing professional soccer, but didn’t stop him from visiting a psychic healer named Betty Shine. After that, according to the legends, Icke became a little… unbalanced. Fast forward to the year 2001: Icke’s fourth book, Children of the Matrix, comes out; weighing in at nearly 500 pages, it is a treatise on, as the author puts it, “How an Interdimensional Race has Controlled the World for Thousands of Years – and Still Does”. It sounds like the premise of a kick-ass sci-fi movie. It’s not, but rather an epic tome on the shape-shifting reptile people, and how they’re pulling strings behind the scenes of the world, and have been since the rise of humanity. Once again, a sentence that sounds like the tagline on a Keanu Reeves flick, but, tragically, is not. He has published honest-to-amphibian tomes on the secret movements of this secret race and their insidious plans to unite the people of earth under a one-world government, which is apparently the worst number of governments to have. Among their numbers include all past and present world leaders and people of power, including George W. Bush, Rockefeller, the Queen of England, and (presumably) even your own mother. Final Thoughts on the Insanity: These days, Icke spends his time making obscene amounts of money lecturing, selling books, and updating his website with to-the-minute news on the movements and progress of the lizard folk and the multitude of conspiracies they put forth, so it’s hard to believe that losing his mind was an overall loss. Rather than mock him, it might be better to study him, in order to learn his ways; clearly, he’s doing something right. 4. Alix Henriol WEBSITE: http://www.alix-henriol.com/ This is her Who is she? Alix Henriol fully believes she is married to Sonic the Hedgehog. Yes, the video game character. No, that is not some kind of secret code. Alright, bring on the crazy. The indomitable Ms. Henriol came to the internet limelight a few years back regarding a certain web forum which she was responsible for bringing in to the world. While the site has since been shuffled around to prevent the gawkers and spammers from ruining the atmosphere, a few choice snippets remain in the form of an undercover study (SONIC). For those of you too lazy to read the scientific literature on the subject, here’s the abstract: young woman in France falls head-over-heels in love with the few hundred pixels which make up the video game character Sonic the Hedgehog, all the while describing, as graphically as possible, doing things to him that would make Prince throw up. Like, sex things. Seriously, this thing? This takes a special [...]

The family that plays together stays together so what does that say about those folks who get a little rough? The mothers who arm their offspring, the brothers who take out their elders or those large extended families who make the neighbors very nervous are not the Norman Rockwell type, but they are in a weird way far more interesting. 1. The Harpe Family: No Angels here The new world held out hope to the cousins Micah and Wiley Harper, but only because the fledging country didn’t know them. After migrating with their families from Scotland as children the pair changed their names to John and William. Because of their constant habit of remaining together the pair was given the witty nicknames of Big Harpe (William) and Little Harpe (John). The Harpes not exactly men given to more empathic endeavors left home just out of their teens to become slavers or overseers in Virginia. The American Revolution presented them with better opportunities as Troy outlaws where they learned such useful skills as pillaging livestock, burning crops and raping young farm girls. There was a downside to their new lifestyle namely a country side from North Carolina to Kentucky, who knew them and wanted to see them both dangle at the end of twin ropes. The men took up with at least three women and produce many children who traveled with them. This disagreeable family took up a farm in Beaver Creek late in the 1790’s, but apparently not in an effort to change their wild ways. In 1798 the other villages accused them of horse stealing a very serious offense during those times. The Harpe cousins managed to get away, and returned in the night to extract their revenge by killing a local who they might have blamed for ratting them out. The unfortunate victim was found in the river by his neighbors the next morning with his chest and belly slashed open and his body loaded down with rocks. This was the Harpes trademark murder signature. The Harpes continued to get away with their crimes perhaps because even the authorities were afraid of them. Eventually, though they began to be too blatant and reckless and a posse of angry neighbors brought the Harpes along with their three ‘wives’ into seek justice. It was not to be as the pair escaped and continued their ruthless ways. For the remainder of the war, the Harpes raped and killed with abandoned, but at last without the other Tory renegades to back them up they were eventually captured by another posse who didn’t bother to take them to court and wait for justice. This time the angry mob took the killer cousin’s heads. 2. Never invite them to dinner The Borgia reign of terror started long before the Harpes, but their brand of murder was at least quieter and a tad more ‘civilized’. This family’s trademark was poison and manipulation while the motive was always the same—power. The Borgia’s lived the Machiavellian life style of political scheming and sexual maneuvering as they rose in power through the Renaissance Papacy. Father Rodrigo, who later became Pope Alexander VI, his sons Cesare, Giovanni, and Gioffree were ruthless, but it is Lucrezia Borgia, who is the most famous name among them. No one could touch any of the family during their lifetimes even though it was widely rumored that Lucrezia wore a hollow ring in which she kept poison to dispatch those who stood in her family’s way. 3. Hang’em high and keep it in the family Not everyone who kills breaks the law. Some end lives in a manner in accordance with the laws of the land and act in the protection of the greater safety of the many. In other words they execute the bad guys. It isn’t a fun people friendly type of career ending the life of another human being no matter how good your motives so it’s strange that some fathers would pass this occupation down to their sons, but the Pierrepoints did just that. British executioner Henry Pierrepoint was the man who hanged such famous names as George Chapman the famou[...]

The death penalty is the most severe punishment in the world. It is a controversial issue with a long and bloody history. More than 60% of the worldwide population lives in countries where executions take place. The four most populated countries in the world are the People’s Republic of China, India, the United States and Indonesia. All of these areas enforce the death penalty and are unlikely to abolish it any time soon. Here is a list of some interesting facts about capital punishment and murder. 1. The Maximum Prison Sentence in Nepal is 20 Years Many countries in the world do not enforce the law of life imprisonment. In Nepal the maximum sentence that can be given to a criminal is 20 years. In Norway it is 21 years imprisonment and the maximum sentence is 25 years in Portugal, Macau, and Ecuador. Many nations in South America have abolished life imprisonment laws. The United States is the only country that has minors under the age of 18 serving life sentences. As of 2009, Human Rights Watch has calculated that there are 2,574 youth offenders serving life without parole in the U.S. Life imprisonment laws bring to mind two of the most deadly serial killers in world history, Columbian born maniacs Pedro López and Luis Garavito. Pedro López is a Colombian-born confessed serial killer, accused of raping and killing more than 300 girls across South America. López became known as the “Monster of the Andes” in 1980 when he led police to the graves of 53 of his victims. They were all girls between nine and twelve-years-old. In 1983 he was found guilty of murdering 110 young girls in Ecuador and confessed to a further 240 murders in neighboring Peru and Colombia. The maximum prison sentence available in Equador was 25 years. According to the BBC, López was arrested in 1980 and freed by the government of Ecuador at the end of 1998. He was then deported to Colombia. In an interview from his prison cell, López described himself as “the man of the century.” He is said to have been released on a $50 bail for good behavior. Various reports have indicated that Colombian authorities released an advisory for his re-arrest over a fresh murder in 2002. Nobody knows where Pedro López is today. Luis Garavito (“The Beast”) is a Colombian rapist and serial killer. In 1999, he admitted to the murder and rape of 140 young boys. While in prison, Garavito drew maps of his mass burial sites. His murder count is thought to exceed 300 people. Luis Garavito has often been described as the world’s most deadly serial killer. Once captured, Garavito was subject to the maximum penalty available in Colombia, which was 30 years. However, as he confessed to the crimes and helped authorities locate bodies, Colombian law allowed him to apply for special benefits, including a reduction of his sentence to 22 years. As one would expect, criticism over Garavito’s sentence garnered notoriety in the media. A judicial review of his case found that Garavito’s sentence could potentially be extended and his release delayed. He will have to answer for unconfessed crimes, as they were not covered by his previous judicial process. 2. Crime and Homicide Rates Crime and homicide rates have been a long-standing concern in the United States. In 1916, 198 murders were identified in Chicago. In that same year, London recorded 45 homicides with three times the population. Since 1964, the U.S. crime rate has increased by as much as 350%, although it has been steadily dropping since 1993. Many hypotheses have been recorded as to why the crime rate peaked in 1993. Many identify the fact that the U.S. government introduced the Three Strikes Law in 1993. This law states that if you are convicted of three separate felony crimes you will be sentenced to life in prison. Others have attempted to find a correlation between the introduction of abortion and violent crime rates. The homicide rate in the U.S. has stag[...]

Valentine’s Day is, among many other things, a sham. Look at it: if you’re not in a relationship by the time it hits, you’re absolutely rocked. If you are in a relationship, you’re going to get rocked if your present isn’t up to snuff. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, only in this situation “damned if you don’t” could result in a broken engagement and a series of unpleasant phone calls to your mother. For those of you lacking the eye of the tiger for suave gifts, fear not, because I’m here to help. My knowledge of the world of consumer goods matched matched with my ability to read both minds and hearts will provide you with a crash-course guide on terrible Valentine’s Day gifts. If you’re looking for a collection of good gifts, you’re out of luck. Maybe you should stop looking to free-lance writers for advice on these sorts of things. We tend to be a bit cynical. 1. Spider-Man Valentines Nothing says “I love you” quite like fictional men in tights. Still, of all the people to help you score a date, why on earth would you rely on this guy? Look at anyone Peter Parker has ever loved. The best thing that can happen to them is being sucked into the Negative Zone or shot by a gangster. The worst thing that can happen is death at the hands of their beloved. Unless the message you’re trying to send is “I’ll avenge your eventual death which, when you really think about it, will technically be my fault,” you may want to take a pass on these. 2. Edible Underwear I’ve come to accept the long standing philosophy of “different strokes for different folks,” and if edible underwear happens to be your stroke, good for you. But if this is the gift you choose on Valentine’s Day, the only day of the year that society demands you express your deepest, darkest feelings for another human being, try to keep it a secret from the rest of decent society. We’d rather not know that you’re comfortable with the idea of gnashing teeth near your genitals or eating something that’s supposed to cover one’s ass. Thanks. 3. Wine Sock Monkey Before researching this article I had no idea who Baron Bob was. Apparently, he claims to be some sort of crusader against ordinary gifts, but I’m pretty sure that’s just a guise to cover up the fact that he’s actually H.P. Lovecraft. No one else could come up with a rendition of a monkey face that was both horribly off the mark and unearthly terrifying. What happens when you wrap a monkey’s face around a bottle? You get something that looks like it was once pictured in a 17th century wood cut terrorizing small European children. And if that illustration on the label wasn’t drawn by a serial killer, I will eat my own hat. 4. Henry the Talking Gnome Having spent about thirty seconds on Baron Bob’s website, I’ve come to the conclusion that I could write at least thirty more articles about the tacky s**t he tries to pass off on confused grandmothers as unique “gifts,” and if I weren’t so terrified that his wine sock monkey was peering into my very soul, I would do it. But before I flee to higher ground, let’s take on more pot shot at the man’s wares. It’s sort of like that hillbilly bass that sings “Should Have Been a Cowboy” whenever someone enters a room, but instead of blaring Toby Keith’s greatest hits he plays back a message you record in high-pitched and grating way. That sort of thing wasn’t even cute when Alvin and the Chipmunks did it in the fifties and they’re the ones who started it. I’m calling it right now: twenty dollars for Baron Bob’s head.