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Sequels are one of the facts of life in Hollywood, just like gay actors pretending to be straight, executives ruining everything, and Michael Bay being a hugely successful director despite being a hack. If a movie is even remotely successful, they’ll put out a direct sequel. Or if they can’t get the original actors back, they’ll put out, say, a “spiritual sequel”. Either way, a movie is likely going to have a part two, even if that’s absolutely pointless. Here are ten movies you won’t believe they’ve turned into franchises. 1. “Grease” Your author would love to lie and say that he loves “Grease”, but that would be a terrible, shameful, horrible lie. “Grease” creeps out of this particular comedy writer like you would not believe, because so many people actually see high school that way instead of the rancid sewer of hormones, mood swings, and vileness that it actually is. Anybody who thinks high school is the best years of their life needs to get a job. Plus, the songs are just creepy. That “Ramalamadingdong” song could be the theme to every trailer park beating ever. And even if we’ve ruined the original for you with that above paragraph, the sequel, which so many have gleefully forgotten, will finish the job in ways you can’t imagine. Does Michelle Pfiffer sing? Why, yes. Yes, she does. There’s a reason she hasn’t since. 2. “Rocky Horror Picture Show” The story of the success of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” is a pretty weird one in of itself: from bomb, to obscure cult movie, to famous cult movie, to mainstream success of a movie. Only in America can a movie that slams together ’70s gay culture and ’50s sci-fi movies like an eight-year-old bashing action figures together find such enduring success and popularity. Also, we’ve got a lot of closet cases up in here, and they like to watch Tim Curry when he was a quarter of his current weight prance around in women’s clothes. Anyway, after the first movie, Brad and Janet return to Denton, which is apparently A) in Texas and B) encased in a TV studio. Nobody in the cast returned, because the movie is as weird, and as bad, as it sounds. 3. “Into The Blue” We’re not really sure what “Into the Blue” was supposed to be about. We think it was about skin-diving treasure hunters, but we’re also fairly sure the only reason it was set in that milieu was to feature gorgeous tropical locations and to ensure that Jessica Alba and Paul Walker covered less than a quarter of their bodies in clothing at all times. The sequel, smartly, did away with the cost of huge stars and just got random hot people. Finally, a studio is thinking! 4. “Road House” Patrick Swayze’s greatest movie outside of “Father Hood” was one of the most heart-warming and endearing films ever made about ripping another man’s throat out and driving a monster truck through a car dealership for no reason other than it looked cool. Swayze, of course, left us recently, a fact we still mourn. Especially since he was still alive when the above turkey came out. 5. “The Land Before Time” We don’t really have much to say about this because we loved the original, and we love Littlefoot. The idea of mixing Disneyesque animation and dinosaurs, two things pretty much every kid loves between the ages of four and eight, was pretty much brilliant, and that lava-plain finale is just amazing. On the other hand, Don Bluth loves eating, and it’s not like he’s got much in the way of work these days. As a result, there have been thirteen, yes, THIRTEEN direct-to-video “Land Before Time” sequels. Star Wars fans have nothing on the rest of us when it comes to destroyed childhoods.

Unless you count the cast of Jersey Shore, alien cultures have not actually invaded Earth yet. It’s all the creative territory of television, movies, comic books, and paranoid hippies who have smoked a pound of grass a day for twenty years. Still, in case aliens ever do invade us for real, we all better pray they’re on the intellectual level of these five fictional invaders. If they are, then we will officially have nothing to worry about, as aliens like these couldn’t successfully invade a preschool, never mind a whole planet. 1. The Monstars (Space Jam) Do you remember the movie Space Jam? If so, just run head-first into a stone wall a few dozen times. There. Takes care of that little problem, now doesn’t it? The basic premise behind this movie is that tiny little pipsqueak aliens are threatening to steal the Looney Tunes away from us for their own amusement. For reasons that only they fully comprehend, the Tunes put their freedom on the line in a pick-up basketball game. Just like how George Washington and his soldiers dunked on the heads of the British to gain freedom for America! Thomas Jefferson had a mean jumpshot, we hear. Sadly, the aliens quickly realize that being tiny will do them no good against a whole bunch of Tunes much bigger than they, so they use their alien powers to steal the athletic ability of several NBA superstars such as Charles Barkley and Patrick Ewing. This not only transforms them into pretty good basketball players who weren’t quite good enough to win a title, but also turns them into gargantuan, overly muscled monstrous freaks: Almost like this was an NBA game, really. The Tunes, realizing they’re screwed now, recruit Michael Jordan to play for them, and here’s where the Monstars are revealed to be incompetent morons who can’t be trusted with anything. At the time of the movie, Jordan was retired, but only recently so: he was still the greatest player on Earth by leaps and bounds. Why did the Monstars not steal his ability then? Perhaps he was too busy filming another underwear commercial for the aliens to even notice him. But they could’ve searched at least a little bit, because now he’s on the other side, ready to throw down with cartoon rabbits and ducks backing him up. Unless you’re actually brain-dead, you know what happens: Jordan and the Tunes win the game after posting an amazing 40-point comeback in the second half. This simply should not have been the case. It doesn’t matter how badly the Tunes wanted it. It doesn’t matter that Michael Jordan was playing and that he’s really, really good at basketball. It doesn’t even matter that Bill Murray came in as a last-minute substitute because Foghorn Leghorn got squashed one time too many. The simple fact is: THESE ALIENS WERE SUPER-STRONG GIANTS. Most of them were even taller than the basket. They could have simply lobbed the ball overhead to each other over and over again, scored 300 points, and called it a night. Yet they lost anyway because they got lazy near the end and let a bunch of drawings plus Bill Murray score on them at will. They deserved whatever punishment awaited them back at their home planet; it’s the least that can happen after disgracing oddly shaped muscled-bound freaks everywhere. 2. Zim (Invader Zim) Irkins, the alien race Zim is a member of, devote their entire lives and planet to organizing and executing endless invasions of other planets. That’s pretty much all they do, as intergalactic planetary invasion tends to leave very little time for side hobbies like fly-fishing or sticking small models of boats into large bottles. The Irkins are quite successful in what they do, except for Zim. Simply put, Zim is a complete idiot who has no idea how to handle anything resembling an alien invasion. He thinks absolutely nothing through in any way before acting, and this almost always results in failure. Any machine he gets his hands on either gets destroyed or destroys a mess of important stuff it wasn’t meant to des[...]

When most people think of the world’s deadliest animals their minds jump to the ones that rule their territory with an iron fist – the animals that command your attention in the jungle, on the savannah, and in the oceans. They think of the mixed marital arts fighters of the animal kingdom. Lions, Tigers, Bears. You might be saying, “Oh my,” at the mental images of these volatile creatures. However, you’d be mistaken in assuming that these are the creatures you need to worry about the most. In fact, sometimes the prey that these predators feast on, turn out to be even deadlier than their mortal adversaries. 1. King Cobra As it turns out, the worldwide terrorist organization chose a pretty good animal to model themselves after. However, the real-life cobra is prey to a creature that looks like a ferret mixed with a dog. This rodent (the mongoose) is one of the few animals agile enough to beat the cobra – but it also uses special chemicals to block the cobra’s venom, which sounds like cheating to us. Turned to a life of crime after he failed the “Waiting for Destrot” audition Even though the cobra is prey to the mongoose, it is still a far deadlier animal. Around fifty thousand people are killed by venomous snakebites per year. Now we’re not saying all of them are from the cobra… but you know who our “ace of spades” is. The venom from some cobra’s can cause the area around the victims bite to virtually slough-off. We’d say that’s pretty good for an animal that gets its butt-kicked by a real life version of Chuck-e-Cheese. 2. Hippopotamus How can an animal that looks like so much fun to slap be so deadly? Moreover, how can this animal’s deadliness top that of its predator, the African crocodile? You would think that a perpetually aggravated reptile with scaly plates and a massive set of teeth would be deadlier than a mammal that is simply “hungry, hungry”. When the hippo isn’t suing Shrek’s ears for copyright infringement, it likes to eat plants and become possibly the deadliest animal in Africa. Few people expected the ensuing bloodbath. The hippo is actually extremely territorial, like the Sharks or the Jets; except when you enter the hippo’s turf it doesn’t display its dance skills – it just gores you to death and crushes your bones. In their defense, much of this aggression is for the protection of their young, even if that means they have to flip over boats full of people and kill them all. What’s inexcusable is their proclivity to spray their feces by swinging their tails in a circular fashion. We’d probably want to be gored if we were covered in Hippo feces. 3. Mosquito Mosquitoes are food for birds, fish, lizards, dragonflies and other animals – yet they out-kill every animal on the planet. They don’t have sharp fangs, venom, or claws. They don’t do anything remarkable like bore a hole into your brain and affect your thought patterns (though they’re working on it). Although prey to millions of animals, and numerous species, mosquitoes kill millions of people every year. How? Finally, an animal we could take in a fight. They harbor the disease malaria, which is largely unique to them. Malaria is frequently forgotten because of newer diseases like Cancer, Ebola, and AIDS. People in western nations can combat malaria simply with higher standards of living, but in third world nations, people in dwellings near standing water are easy prey for mosquitoes. They’re the worlds little vampires; only somewhat deadlier than ‘Twilight’.

Every so often, even us macho writers at WeirdWorm have to acknowledge that there’s more to life than terrifying drug side-effects, racist robots and boobs. No, it’s true! So with this in mind, it’s time to dissect the most strangely cute creatures from the world of film. We don’t mean that literally of course, so stop dialing PETA. Although we’ll be discussing some relatively endearing movie creatures, all of our entries have a distinct air of weirdness about them. As a special bonus, we’ll be rating each creature’s “oddly adorable” level on a sophisticated scale of one to three ALFs. What drugs were we on when we came up with this? ALL OF THEM! 6. E.T. The Extra Terrestrial The Creature / The Story E.T. is easily one of the most popular and beloved movie aliens of all time. He appeared in the hit 1982 science fiction film of the same name (as if you didn’t already friggin’ know). The flick starred Henry Thomas, Robert MacNaughton, Drew Barrymore (arguably in her best role), and Dee Wallace. It was directed by the man with a gift to make kids sob uncontrollably and embarrass their parents, Steven Spielberg. Here Spielberg and his little buddy appear…somewhat high. The film followed Elliott, a lonely boy who befriended a kind hearted alien accidently stranded on Earth. Elliott and his siblings aid the extraterrestrial in his journey home. Along the way, they keep him hidden from their apparently oblivious mother and some shady government guys with guns… scratch that, with walkie-talkies. The Odd / Cute Factor Aside from his large Disney-like eyes, E.T. wasn’t exactly a traditional kid friendly creature. What he lacked in conventional cuddliness, he more than made up for in charm. The fact that he was an incredibly expressive and realistic being created from old school animatronics and actors made all the difference. For the purposes of our sanity, we’re going to ignore Mr. Spielberg’s subsequent CG tweaks. 5. Splinter The Creature / The Story Question – how do you take a filthy old sewer rat and somehow make it appealing? Well, thanks to the work of legendary puppeteer Jim Henson, that feat was achieved in the 1990 flick Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In 1990 we didn’t need no stinkin’ CG. Splinter appeared in all three live action films which were based on the popular Mirage comic books and, of course, the cheesy 1980’s cartoon series. TMNT was the story of four sewer dwelling, crime-fighting reptiles who battled the evil Shredder. Splinter served as their sensei and father figure. He was basically a giant anthropomorphic rat who trained the turtles in the art of Ninjutsu. In describing this, we can’t help but admit how incredibly goofy it all sounds. However, the turtles remain popular to this day. Any true Turtle fan MUST watch this ASAP…seriously. Jim Henson’s Creature Shop supplied the four main characters as well as Splinter for the original two films. However they did not work on TMNT III, which coincidentally featured far crappier Turtle costumes, an awful version of Splinter and major suckage. The Odd / Cute Factor It was likely Henson’s team’s intention to make Splinter faithful to the original comic. However, we assume from Splinter’s non-threatening demeanor and friendly face that a strong attempt was also made to craft the puppet in as pleasing a manner as possible. Wouldn’t want to scare off the kiddies with a sinister looking rabies infected rat, now would we? What ended up onscreen was an exceptional combination of the grittier Splinter (from the early black and white comics) and the Saturday morning friendly Splinter from the animated series. As far as cutesiness went… thankfully Splinter was more of a soft-spoken but still hardcore than a talking stuffed animal. He was also a teller of really bad jokes. 4. Minilla (Son of Godzilla) The Creature / The Story Minilla first appeared in the off the wall, 1967 film Son of Godzilla, which was released in Japan as “Monster Island’s Decisive[...]

As moviegoers and T.V. watchers, we all like to assume that everyone in Hollywood is talented. MTV has long since destroyed that notion and now the cynics among us view Tinsletown as a wasteland- a shell of its former self- a desolate spread of tabloid despair and pet pharmacies. In the land where Peck and Hitchcock once roamed, Kardashian and Lohan now dominate. But it isn’t all bad. In fact, many actors who seem to be irrevocable wastes of space- actually have a modicum of talent left in their surgery riddled bodies. 1. Ben Affleck “Pearl Harbor”, “Gigli”, “Reindeer Games”, “Daredevil”. None of these titles inspire images of greatness. Ben Affleck, who started his career freezing in the massive shadow of Matt Damon, eventually shifted his career, providing moviegoers with competent, yet uninspiring performances. As an actor Mr. Affleck can be described as mediocre- he won’t make you shed a tear, but he isn’t going to provide ‘meme-worthy’ material like Gary Busey or Keanu Reeves would. Say it ain’t so, Han Solo! Affleck redeems himself in the areas of writing and directing. He co-wrote “Good Will Hunting” with Matt Damon – a film which proceeded to win many awards, including the “Faulkner- Beating Your A#@ with Words” award – for a memorable scene at a Harvard Bar (delivered by Damon of course). As a directing debut, Affleck teamed up with his brother Casey Affleck in “Gone Baby Gone”, which didn’t win any Oscars but was well received, nonetheless. “Look, Mr. Affleck, if you’re busy we can come back later-“ “Uhhh, no. I was just tryin’ out my moves in the backyard.” 2. Randy Quaid Randy Quaid looks more like somebody you’d buy meth from and less like someone who is an established actor. Then again, it’s Hollywood, so that gap might not be very large. Today, people know Randy Quaid’s face more than his name. Instead of, “OMG its Randy Quaid!” Mr. Quaid is more likely to hear, “Aren’t you the drunk weird guy from Independence Day?” He was, in fact, that aforementioned drunk weird guy. Mr. Quaid is actually so proficient at playing the role (all the ‘Vacation’ movies) that causal moviegoers might mistake him for some inebriated fool who happened to wander onto the set. Mr. Quaid has a secret however. Mr. Quaid can act- a fact confirmed his performance in “The Last Detail”. Acting alongside Jack Nicholson, Quaid still garnered enough attention to his performance to earn a “Best Supporting Actor” nomination. Show me another drunk weirdo who can say that. Feast your eyes on this titan of cinema. 3. Joe Pesci If you ever hear anyone say, “hey who is that short annoying Italian guy?” just shout out Joe Pesci – but be careful not to say it three times in front of a mirror or else he’ll follow you for a year saying, “Funny, whaadaya mean funny?” Don’t tell anyone, but Pesci is standing on stepladder to get this shot. Known for his role in the “Lethal Weapon” series (where he tried to not get shot by Mel Gibson) Joe Pesci is regarded by many as nothing more than a typecast curiosity. Short. Loud. Unique. Irritating. And very, very Italian. But Joe Pesci has shown commitment and execution when doing serious acting, on more than one occasion – something Mr. Quaid probably can’t say. Although nominated for “Best Supporting Actor” in one of the greatest films of all time, “Raging Bull”, it’s clear Joe wasn’t satisfied. Instead he waited a decade- and then in 1990, he teamed up with the Oscar-maker Martin Scorsese and landed a little, gold man for “Best Supporting” in “Goodfellas”, another supremely acclaimed film. So next time someone dismisses Pesci as bumbling crook #1 from Home Alone, do what he would do: shoot that person in the foot. “I’ve thought about it- and I’m sorry but you really need a bullet in your foot. Once again, I apologize.”

Actors are like everybody else; they all started at the bottom and had to work their way up. Except for most people this means sorting letters in the mail room or mopping floors. For actors, on the other hand, this usually means taking your clothes off, getting stabbed in the face, or other equally embarrassing roles you kind of don’t want to tell mom and dad about. But fortunately, most of these movies are obscure and will vanish…until you become famous, and then they return to haunt you. Such as! 1. Arnold Schwartzenegger, “Hercules In New York” There was a time, believe it or not, where the Governator, one of the most popular action stars in the world, was just a hick from Austria. Kind of the German equivalent of Georgia, but more backwards and with much better beer. Arnold shared the dream of many Austrians, namely, getting the hell out of his homeland. This he accomplished via bodybuilding and soon after, film. Unfortunately, back in the late ‘70s, nobody knew about his unstoppable desire to kill Sarah Connor or his ability to kill invisible aliens with sticks, so he was stuck in meathead roles, before finally landing his first lead in the low-budget and lower-standards “Hercules in New York.” Apparently, nobody had mentioned to Arnold that his accent, which was even thicker back then than it is now, was a bit of problem. Considering how we keep expecting him to break out the lederhosen every time he tawks about da state ah Callyforni-ya, it’s not hard to understand why all of his lines were dubbed over. Fortunately, James Cameron came along and gave him a much more dignified role, or at least it was more dignified until “Terminator 3”. 2. Kevin Costner, “Sizzle Beach USA” Long, long before “Waterworld” and “The Postman” ruined his career, Kevin Costner should have learned that his acting and water are like oil and… um… water, thanks to the low-budget, daring, but ultimately obscure and unsuccessful, dramatic picture “Sizzle Beach, USA.” “Sizzle Beach USA” is about a young man left adrift in the American Dream, unable to deal with the fallout of Vietnam and the post-war economic decline in America. So he takes refuge in… OK, fine, it’s a movie that’s basically Kevin Costner drooling over bikini chicks for ninety minutes, and aside from that is a total brown floater, even by the standards of ‘80s bikini movies. Costner, of course, soon rebounded into a movie about baseball players trying to get into Susan Sarandon’s pants. All right, so Dances with Obscurity didn’t really learn anything from his bikini misadventure, but at least he gave us some fine accidental entertainment. 3. McConaughey and Renee Zellweger, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” And here we have a two-fer, where two actors who have basically been reduced to making the same crappy romantic comedy over and over again try desperately to forget the misfire of a horror movie that in turn was a misfire of a reboot. You see, “TCM:TNG” wanted to be a horror movie reboot before rebooting horror movies was cool. Needless to say, it failed both miserably and hilariously. Zellweger is the scream queen, and actually does a good, if squinty, job, but McConaughey actually reveals why he wants to hide this movie: he actually plays the evil jerk pretty well. Probably the best scene in the movie is McConaughey bumping off an annoying teenager by backing over him repeatedly. McConaughey actually really gets into it, acting like he’s parallel parking in a tricky spot and cackling over flattening this guy. Sure, it’s about as scary as Perez Hilton in a fistfight, but it is actually hilarious. It tells you something that despite the best efforts of both McConaughey and Zellweger, this movie is still out there. We guess there’s something to be said for being in a bad movie about what Texas is really like. 4. Robin Williams, “Can I Do It ‘Till I Need Glasses?” Robin Williams has a lot to live down, like being a mime. And most of his career once he stopped doing drugs and[...]

Children’s cereal is big business. When your customer base thinks artificially colored and sugared cardboard is a gourmet meal, the stuff really should sell itself. Unfortunately, between you and the hyperactive brats there stands parents holding the purse strings and suggesting oatmeal or fruit instead. Good cereal producers know the key is to utilize the surprising lung capacity and lack of social inhibition characteristic of children by having them throw tantrums in the middle of the crowded cereal aisle. To achieve successful tantrums, they must make the cereal irresistible. Bright colored boxes and loveable characters are the key. Most of the time it works and we grow to love those characters. Hang in there, Trix Rabbit, you’ll get the cereal one day But sometimes the efforts are just plain weird, as these notable standouts show. 1. Corn Crackos Sugared cereals are like crack to little kids, and with Corn Crackos the Post Company wasn’t trying that hard to hide this fact. Sure, they’ll tell you cereal came out in 1967 before crack became an urban epidemic. But when the spokesman is an aggressive crow whose marketing tactics mirror those of drug dealers, you can’t help but wonder. Watch the bird force his way onto an unsuspecting populace: The campaign uses time tested drug dealer methodology for trying to get new customers. First you have the free sample. Then the dealer adds a small price. Then, full hooked, he ups the price and invites you to his cracko-fueled concert of psychedelic devil music. 2. Mr. Muscle If Post selling crack wasn’t bad enough, they pushed steroids on the unsuspecting populace as well. Mr. Muscle was a sugar-corn cereal. Of course, sugared corn itself doesn’t add muscle. The box tells you to plug into the “Mr. Muscle Power Pack”, which is obviously code for some proprietary anabolic steroid mixture. The “charge” kids get from it must be ‘roid rage. Need more proof? Turn over the box and see the heart monitor reading on the back. Before doping on Mr. Muscle, you have a normal heart rate. After and you’re in heart attack territory. 3. Rice Krinkles The idea behind So-Hi, the stereotypical mascot for Rice Krinkles, appears to be one part racism, and one part trying to appeal to stoners. Rice Krispies, with the “snap, crackle, pop” could entertain pot smokers for hours. Naming a character So-Hi was probably the best the creative team could come up with. TV advertisements make it more obvious. So-Hi, appealing to many stoner’s love of Eastern philosophy, spouts some pidgin Confucianism encoded with the message “Buy Rice Krinkles”. And you thought Ovaltine was bad. 4. Grins & Smiles & Giggles & Laughs The Ralston cereal company is evidently made up of a group of unethical mad scientists. The minds behind the cereal “Grins & Smiles & Giggles & Laughs” have created some horrifyingly disfigured machine. It has an ear by its mouth and a bone sticking out of its head! Looking at its face, it obviously has sentience and can feel pain, yet the people around him laugh at his misery. The back of the box shows the machine looking back in fear as it runs away from its tormentors. He probably is seeking the nearest scrap yard to find the sweet relief of death. 5. Crispy Critters If you thought the furries internet culture was a recent invention, you’re wrong. The Post Company, with its “Crispy Critters”, was pushing anthropomorphic perversity for a while now. Hot twins are cool and if you’re into conjoined twins, well we won’t judge. But seriously, Post cereals, what the hell? The lion with a heart shaped mane is making eyes at one of the two headed llama? Stick with your own species, lion! We don’t need to see that on our way to pick up our Frosted Flakes! 6. Punch Crunch As kids, we all got the idea to replace the milk on our cereal with orange or apple juice. It was part of a lesson we all had to l[...]

Before Rome was a republic, it was basically a group of cities dominated by someone who had enough balls to call himself ruler of them. We say that they needed to have balls because the job of king (or emperor or Caesar or warlord for that matter) carried with it significant on-the-job risks, most notably: assassination at the hands of your most loyal followers. Just because the Romans hadn’t gotten around to knocking their rivals in the dirt yet didn’t mean they weren’t violent mofos. Early leaders tend to set precedent. Just like George Washington starting the tradition of serving two terms as a US president, the first kings of Rome started the Roman tradition of leaving office in a body bag. Beginning with… 1. Romulus (753-716 AD) Romulus is most widely known in popular culture for killing his brother. As the legend goes, Romulus began tracing around the Seven Hills of Rome a plan for a wall which would be impenetrable. Remus, on the other hand, was feeling like a bit douchebag that day, and decided to “penetrate” said “impenetrable wall” by jumping over it. In a retaliatory move that can only be classified as “taking a joke way too far,” Romulus killed Remus to prove how much of a point he had. Among other things, Romulus’ biggest contribution to Rome was his aggressive policy of expanding the population of Rome. Of course, by expanding the population of Rome, we mean having sex with a lot of women. And by aggressive, we mean raping them. Yes, if Romulus was not infamous enough for granting refuge to criminals and runaways in Rome, then the episode of the “Rape of the Sabine Women” probably did not improve his image either. You see, with Rome’s population now overflowing with runaway savages and criminals, Romulus realized that he was missing a crucial piece to the reproduction cycle: ovaries. Like many of today’s undersexed college students, however, Romulus found an easy way around the “male to female ratio” by simply inviting a bunch of women from Sabine to a party and getting them drunk. Halfway through the celebration though, Romulus decided to end the party early by claiming the unmarried women as wives. The King of Sabine, Titus Tatius, quite understandably declared war. His army actually made it into Rome before peace was suddenly declared on the grounds of “bros before hos,” and both kings ruled jointly until (surprise, surprise) Titus was killed by a mob. How karma screwed him over: None of these actions made for good PR, and one day while making a sacrifice by the River Tiber, a thunderstorm struck. Residents ran for cover, leaving the senators with Romulus by the river. When the rain calmed down, the senators returned – without Romulus. Their excuse? He was swept up to the heavens by Mars in a chariot to join the ranks of the Gods. Now, we’re not detectives, but we could see this unfolding two ways: A) Romulus was indeed swept up to the heavens to join Mars, a.k.a. the man that raped his mother resulting in his birth, or B) The Senators were tired of him because he was a complete jackass and murdered him, tossing him in the river. The answer seems obvious, but public education back then not being what it is nowadays, most Romans accepted a quick explanation by Julius Proculus. Immediately after Romulus’ death, Julius Proculus claimed that Romulus had appeared to him in a vision and was now the god Quirinus. This immediately absolved the senators of any suspected wrongdoing. Case closed. 2. Tullus Hostillius (673-642 BC) English majors and wordsmiths should already be noticing by now that his name bears striking resemblance to the word “hostile.” It’s no surprise then that this promptly described Tullus’ attitude towards Rome’s neighbors. Quite frankly, Tullus would declare war on a neighbor if they so much as looked at him funny. Coincidental[...]

Not every sport is treated with respect, nor are they given any credibility. That’s because it’s very difficult to break the mold effectively without succumbing to goofy gimmicks. Though sports entertainment comes and goes, some attempts to invent knew games remain as a testament to our love of creativity and fondness for men in American flag spandex. These games are the five almost sports that left us too soon. 1. Slamball Since Pong first ponged its way into our hearts and living rooms way back when, video games have grown into entertainment juggernauts, all the while ruining generations of future voters in the process. He used to be such a nice boy, too. Before the rise of gaming, kids used to aspire to be something… like athletes or lawn dart victims. Nowadays they’re happy settling for a weekend of Mario Tennis. How do you draw people away from the digital and back to the games of meatspace? By adding trampolines, apparently. Slamball is full-contact basketball played on a court of trampolines. Inventor Mason Gordon aimed to create an sport that served as a real-life video game, which begs the question: what arcade has this guy been frequenting? A Slamball court resembles a traditional basketball court, but features four trampolines on each end of the court, allowing players to make amazing leaps as well as hilarious missteps without having to undergo years of practice or trampoline safety seminars. Slamball has yet to find a consistent home on television. Originally airing on TNN (now Spike TV) in the early 2000s, Slamball has had to bounce and foolishly leap from station to station (and sometimes from country to country) and has most recently been seen on Cartoon Network. 2. American Gladiators Ah yes, gladiatorial combat. The game of kings… or at least the slaves of kings. During this sport one man would be pit against another, or one man would be pit against two men, or one man would be pit against a chariot full of men, or one man would be pit against a lion, or one man would be pit against a team of Slamball players. It was bloodsport at its finest and it went the way of the dodo during the 5th century. Never forget. The closest we’ll ever get to a gladiatorial revival is American Gladiators. Carrying on with rich Roman traditions of old, American Gladiators saw amateurs compete against body builders for the chance to win a new Volvo. It’s just like the real thing… if no one ever died, the lions were muscular ladies and there were safety pads everywhere. But otherwise, yes, the same. The highlight of an episode of American Gladiators is the final event, lovingly known as “The Eliminator.” Despite its name, the Eliminator wasn’t designed to kill so much as it was to maim; two competitors must complete an expansive relay/obstacle course while the previously mentioned body builders hurled objects at them from afar. If your previous encounters with Gemini didn’t land you in the hospital, then the Eliminator was probably going to sprain your pelvis in a most hilarious fashion. American Gladiators had a long and successful run in the early 90s and even saw several international spin-offs and a kid’s version of the game. It’s most recent reinvention, from 2008, was met with less than stellar enthusiasm despite being hosted by American hero and divorce enthusiast Hulk Hogan. 3. Battle Dome Combat sports have always been of interest to the average Joe Sportsfan because deep down we are all horrible, violent animals with a taste for flesh and Sonny Chiba films. American Gladiators tried to quench our thirst for blood but its insistence on “safety” and “people staying alive” did nothing but hinder their efforts. Thankfully, Battle Dome was waiting in the wings to correct this tremendous oversight by giving us what we always wanted to see: man on man violence. Also, domes. Battle Dome was very similar to the American Gladiator formula: contestants were indirectly [...]

When you’re trying to inspire (read: lie to) children, you tell them they can be anything they want to be when they grow up. This simply isn’t true; otherwise we’d have a lot more billionaire-fireman-presidents (married to horse riding-movie star-princesses). Among the most frequent of crushed dreams is the desire to be an astronaut. We wanted to experience Zero-G, you probably wanted to walk on the moon… heck, even communists grow up yearning to slip the surly bonds of earth and touch the face of God. Except they do it for the glory of the motherland, instead an all-American desire for tang (both kinds). But now, thanks to the wonders of capitalism, there are dozens of companies trying to make your dreams come true, and all they want in return is an enormous fee! Space Station for sale, $10 OBO, no deliveries. With the US forcing spaceflight away from the glory days of the NASA missions and towards the cold, calculating bosom of the private sector, there’s a new space race among companies to put the adventurous (and also very wealthy) on the ride of their lives. So for the millionaires who do most of their research on list-based internet humor sites, WeirdWorm offers a primer of the companies that want to put you into space. 5. Armadillo Aerospace We’d question the rationality of letting an armadillo pilot a spacecraft if it wasn’t so cute. Who They Are: A small, private company that strives for fast build and test times, Armadillo works under modest budgets but emphasizes high tech solutions. The company is the vision of founder John Carmack, known for developing the Quake and Doom games for id Software. That’s right; the guy who couldn’t prevent dorky teens from blatantly hacking his games is now programming spaceships. Where They’ll Take You: They don’t seem to be completely sure. They know it’s definitely space, but the exact details are a little up in the air (not a pun, there’s no air in space). They started by making vertical take-off and landing modules intended for orbital flight. This gave way to a focus on lunar landers, which netted them several hundred thousand dollars through various design contests. They’ve also expressed interest in designing sub-orbital vehicles for tourism purposes. They are basically the soda-guzzling kid with ADD of the aerospace industry. An awesome prototype that in no way will get you to the moon in this lifetime. The Date On Your Ticket: Not for a long time. Like many similar aerospace start-ups, Armadillo has high aspirations and but hasn’t made much headway in getting people to space. They are a bit of a standout, having produced a number of test modules, but the low budget seems to be a deal breaker. They’re decades away from even their earliest chimp-launch. 4. Bigelow Aerospace Deuce Bigelow, Space Gigolo? Who They Are: Founded and largely financed by Robert Bigelow, owner of Budget Suites of America, BA wants to be the first to put a hotel in outer space. The company is less about transportation and more about destination, which would make for a good slogan if “travelling to space” wasn’t the most important part (and half the fun). Where They’ll Take You: To their place! The company is based on using a concept that was ultimately rejected by NASA during its “wild period”… inflatable space stations. The idea is that normal space stations, like the ISS, are a pain because they’re so heavy. This means they have to be sent into orbit, piece by piece, over the course of months or years, then assembled in space. Bigelow wants to use inflatable sections that take up much less room/weight on rockets, allowing them to have bigger stations. Once in orbit, they inflate and turn on life support systems, ready for rich businesspeople with a death wish. All the safety and security of living inside a balloon in a radiation-filled, black void! The Date On Your Ticket: Realistically, not for a least another decade. The original “Commercial Space Station Skywalker” concept fell t[...]

If you’ve read the article about examples of rural entertainment that could end in disaster, then you already know that living in the country can be a lot more dangerous than you might think at first. But you city folk shouldn’t get too comfortable; there’s just as much chance of pratfalls and precariousness in the things people do to ward off boredom in urban environments as in rural ones. That’s not to say that you should let worrying about what you or someone else does for fun in the city keep you safe at home with the windows barred and the doors locked; in the case of some of these types of entertainment, that would actually be worse for your health and well-being. Just keep these facts in mind next time you say that you’re bored and there’s nothing to do, and don’t look so harshly on relatively tame activities like watching a movie and drinking yourself into a stupor in your living room. 1. Parkour Weee! Flying is fun! Running on a treadmill can get kind of boring. Even running around your neighborhood isn’t the most exciting thing in the world after the 70th or 80th time. So why not turn your city into an ever-changing adult jungle gym? Parkour, also known as free running, is the art of running, bouncing, tumbling, and leaping around pretty much every surface (horizontal or not) in your city. It looks super-fantastic awesome when you see other people do it. And in the videos they also make it look pretty easy. Therein lies the problem: the crack in the façade of the activity that makes the whole thing fall apart. Parkour looks easy in the videos because these people have spent years perfecting their techniques. Not only is the average person likely to break bones when jumping off a ledge 15 feet above the ground or faceplant when trying to run up a wall; there’s also a high likelihood of harming innocent bystanders. Basically, anyone’s body becomes a weapon when it’s flying uncontrolled through the air at several miles an hour. Just imagine how bad you’d feel if you tried this out and a stranger ended up breaking your fall with his or her neck. Less injured, perhaps, but guilty nonetheless. 2. Flash Mobs Or maybe just rush hour? Hard to tell. Real mobs form when a bunch of people get really angry about something, and in general aren’t a lot of fun, though you can sometimes get a free, smash-and-grab stereo out of the deal. Flash mobs take all the anger out of the equation and replace it with fun, giggles, and oddness. Flash mobs have been known to sing, dance, and pretend like they’ve been cryogenically frozen (in time!) But here’s the thing: a mob is a mob. Get enough people together doing and thinking the same thing, and it’s a recipe for disaster. Sure, in videos like this and this they make the activity look light-hearted and fun, reinforcing our belief in the joy inherent in the human spirit. But how long will it be until someone decides to make a flash mob that actually performs some of the more traditional “mob” activities, such as carrying torches and pitchforks and ravaging the countryside? 3. Filmed Pranks The line between "prank" and "sheer evil" gets a little thin sometimes. Pranks are great fun, but usually only for the people not getting pranked. And even though, in some cases, they ruin a perfectly good relationship by making false statements on the Jumbotron at a Yankees game, they tend to result in little less than permanent mental scarring and broken hearts. Here’s where it can go really, really wrong. Some people get really, really mad when they’re pranked. Shooting mad, even. And some of those people have guns. Like the delightful fellow in this video clip. You might think that you’re safe outside of post-communist Russia. You might also want to think twice before you torment strangers. 4. Outdoor Movies All the fun of a movie, without the overprice[...]

Popular music is primarily about showmanship, which in turn is partially about making a tremendous ass out of yourself. Whether they go with a bizarre costume or a strange character, musicians have been utilizing alter egos for decades now, with varying degrees of success. 1. The Thin White Duke By the mid-seventies, David Bowie had established himself as the “chameleon of pop,” able to move from genre to genre while heralding new innovations in music itself. He was also known for playing characters developed around theatrical stories, both of which would be incorporated into live shows. His most famous persona is no doubt Ziggy Stardust. His most controversial, however, would later prove to be the Thin White Duke. The Duke’s persona was adapted in 1976 for the album Station to Station. Unlike previous characters, the Duke came the closest to simply being David Bowie, though his increased drug habit had lead to more outlandish behavior. The Duke was himself a relatively subdued character, singing on an intense emotional level despite being rather detached himself. His cold nature related back to Bowie’s obsession with the Third Reich which manifested itself during various interviews (Bowie claimed several times that he had a fondness for fascism and that Hitler himself was the world’s greatest rock star). “Hello, Cleveland!” The problem with the Duke was that he was far too normal to be distinguished from Bowie himself. Unlike the flamboyant Ziggy Stardust from earlier in the decade, the Thin White Duke had little distinction visually from the real Bowie. Thus claims made by the character were contributed to the actor. Eventually Bowie retired the character and ended his practice of living his own life through his characters. 2. Captain Jack The United States military hasn’t had the best representation in popular culture. If you look at Hogan’s Heroes; World War II concentration camps are little more than revolving door tool sheds for holding crafty American prisoners of war. If you believe the Village People (and who doesn’t?), then the Navy is just one floating party made of friendship and mustaches. Sadly, neither of these are the case. Who knew these guys couldn't be trusted? After finishing his time with the U.S. Army, Francisco Gutierrez began recording music. During this time he had the idea of combining a military drill instruction with the Eurodance genre. In the end, this proved popular enough to completely determine his gimmick, the drill instructor Captain Jack. Drop and give me twenty, I guess? Captain Jack’s music incorporates much of his military experience of shooting things, sexing things, and dancing on things that cannot be shot at or sexed. Backed by his “dance floor army” the music presents a fair and balanced view of the armed forces, as noted below. Wait a minute, his training consisted of oiled ladies and erotic pillow fights? Where was he stationed and how did he manage to evade a court marshal?! 3. Chris Gaines Before Miley Cyrus, there was Garth Brooks. Now you young eighteen to thirty-year old hipsters probably think that country music is the vulgar sounds of drunken violent hicks, and you wouldn’t be that far from the truth. But according to the Recording Industry Artists of America, country music superstar and tall hat enthusiast Garth Brooks is the best selling solo artist in history, surpassing both Elvis and that guy from Dexys Midnight Runners. How do you sell more albums than this guy? Seriously. In 1999, Brooks was involved in the development of The Lamb, a movie in which he would star as a brooding alt-rock star struggling to live a private life in the public eye. To promote the album and better explore the rock elements of his music, Brooks began recording an album as the film’s character Chris Gaines. The album, Garth Brooks in… The Life of Chris Gaines, would ultimately serve as the film’s official soundtra[...]

Everybody wants to be the greatest in the world at something. That’s why we have events like the Olympics: to celebrate the incredible achievements of people who have completely and utterly mastered their chosen skill. Unfortunately, we can’t all be world class sprinters or swimmers. But don’t worry: there are enough people who have the desire to be a world champion at something, anything, that ridiculously specific events have been created, allowing pretty much anyone who gets serious about them to immediately count themselves as among the best in the world. So if you want to be a world champ but don’t want to put too much effort into earning your title, then consider competing at one of these weird tournaments. 1. Rock-Paper-Scissors Rock-Paper-Scissors is the universal method of conflict resolution for children and immature adults, and ever since 2002 the World RPS Society (a group dedicated to promoting the game around the world, for the benefit of the three people who have never heard of it) has hosted an annual world championship. You would think that a tournament based around a game that’s pure luck would be a rather dull affair, and, well, you’d be right. But dull doesn’t have to mean small and cheap; just look at NASCAR. For starters, there’s a pretty serious cash prize, generally around 10,000 dollars. There’s also a surprising amount of media coverage and sponsorship. The 2009 tournament was sponsored by Yahoo, although we think that says less about the prestige of RPS than it does about Yahoo’s sad state. And since anyone can enter, all you need to be the greatest in the world is a little luck and, judging by this video, a completely retarded costume. 2. Sauna There’s nothing inherently competitive about sitting in a steamy room and sweating with a bunch of fat guys, but that didn’t stop some crazy Finnish people from creating the Sauna World Championships. The rules are pretty simple: whoever can last the longest wins. But the competitors aren’t sitting around in your grandma’s sauna; they sauna hardcore, starting proceedings off at a balmy 230 degrees and hitting a hot stove with a half-litre of water every 30 seconds to keep the steam coming. It’s not a winner takes all event either; the tournament requires four rounds spread out over two days. And for an event that demands no movement, we have to admit that a fair bit of physical effort is involved. Although we expect that 90% of it is just chugging down as much Gatorade as you can before your turn. The spectacle draws a decent crowd, which is proof that there’s absolutely nothing of interest in Finland. Seriously, think about it; it’s a bunch of people sitting around and watching a grainy camera feed of a bunch of other people sitting in a steamy, barely visible room. What could possibly make people want to – oh, apparently beer and sausages flow like water. Sweet, we’re in! 3. Mobile Phone Throwing Throwing unwieldy crap as far as possible is one of the oldest tests of strength and skill in history. Whether it’s tossing a heavy metal ball, discus or letting loose with a javelin, these simple but impressive feats are done by athletes who need to train long and hard if they want to have any hope of becoming the world’s greatest. But when you change the object being thrown to something retarded, like a cell phone, then suddenly all of the prestige and respectability vanishes into thin air. An annual competition is usually held in Finland (seriously Finland, find some real hobbies), and includes both a pure distance event as well as one that rewards style and choreography. We’re not sure how much grace you can add to the flinging of your Nokia, and to show you just how low the standards are: the 2008 edition was won by a dog that spat a phone a few centimeters forward. So hey, you could have a future mobile phone throwing champion trotting around your house right now! There’s also a category for children, because you’re never too young to enjoy [...]

Hollywood lives and dies on creating a sense of realism in its films. That includes brands that the characters actually use. The problem being, of course, that the owners of these brands want to get paid money to be featured in major Hollywood films, especially if the movie is, say, rife with sex and violence and they’re worried about being seen as too offensive by the three people that will actually notice the hero slammed a Red Bull before throwing the impossibly hot actress into bed and making PG-13-rated love to her. So what’s Hollywood to do? Make up their own brands, of course! They’ve been doing it for decades and, in fact, some of these brands are so established, you might mistake them for actual products. Some of them get featured more often and have a better reputation than regular products. Likes these lovely products: 1. Morley Morley cigarettes debuted opposite the greatest actor, and greatest Canadian, to ever walk the Earth, Mr. William Shatner. He smoked Morleys in “Nightmare at 30,000 Feet”, the original “scared out of your mind on an airplane” thriller that created the oldest joke about something on the wing of the airplane. It was funny, once. No, before the terrorists. Morleys were forged into existence because cigarette companies paid good money to sponsor television programs and you couldn’t present a sponsor in a bad light. Then, as people realized cigarettes were, ah, fatal, they decided they didn’t want to pay money to anybody who was currently in a public relations disaster, and it’s just kept rolling right like that to today. Probably the most famous Morleys smoker was the “X-Files” adversary the Cigarette Smoking Man. Understandably, there wasn’t a huge rush to sponsor his habit. On the bright side, at least they’re not Red Apple cigarettes. Butch from “Pulp Fiction” got a pack and was nearly sodomized to death by crazed rednecks. And you thought lung cancer was bad! 2. Finder-Spyder Just like physical products, web programs have brands, and no brand is more popular or more deeply engrained into the public consciousness than Google. Seriously, what search engine do you use, aside from the five guys with the Ubuntu laptop using some program nobody’s ever heard of? Google has become so popular it’s an official verb at this point. Unfortunately, it’s also five hundred bucks a share, and when you’re worth billions, featuring your brand will cost you accordingly. So instead, they use “Finder-Spyder”, which seems to have a wide variety of skins and styles… ones that change with each show and with each prop master. We can’t imagine why that is, although we suppose Google changes its “doodle” often enough that you can view it as a different search engine every day. 3. Penzberg Beer OK, that’s not an actual photo of the brand, but Google wasn’t coughing it up. So sue us. Beer sits somewhere between cigarettes and other products. Yes, too much beer will kill you, although we’re pretty sure the only way most American macrobrews could kill you is if you poured a lot of it into a vat and then jumped in. Hogtied. But it’s also smooth, delicious and consists of about 25% of American advertising because advertising and stupid gimmicks are the only way anybody will buy that pale yellow swill. Seriously, guys? A bottle that turns blue? A unicorn horn on top of a beer bottle? Anyway, as a result of their brand being valuable and their spending a lot of money on advertising, it’s pretty hard to get a beer brand. That’s where Independent Studio Services comes in. They make all sorts of prop alcohols, but probably the most popular now that they’ve retired Heisler is Penzberg beer. When actors have to pretend drinking, they enjoy a Penzberg, the smoothest of fake beers.

CPR, or cardiopulmonary resuscitation is a technique used to save people whose heart and lungs have decided to quit by heroically mashing ones hands and face into a person’s face and chest. It’s a hallmark medical system, right up there with the Heimlich maneuver or “Not Applying Leeches for Every Medical Ailment”. And while it can be an important tool in the fight against the icy, relentlessly tightening grip of death, it turns out that, for a number of reasons, you’re still probably going to die. 5. Resuscitation is Poorly Understood It doesn’t take a Planned Parenthood security guard to tell you that the point at which human life begins is a little bit of a contentious issue. The point at which we can declare something to be dead is similarly fuzzy. Until the late 1700’s, we tended to go with “did he flinch when poked with a sharp stick?” line of diagnosis. This all started to change when the Dutch got sick of the stupid bastards who were clogging up their beloved canals. Lacking the necessary 1-900 psychics to ridicule people in the spirit world, they set about developing a system to revive those who’d drowned. The British soon followed with their hilariously named “Society for the Recovery of Persons Apparently Drowned” which was managed by the even more stereotypically English “Royal Humane Society for the Apparently Dead”. That is totally true, and yes, they did spend more time on politeness than legitimate medical science. Problem solved! The methods they developed included bleeding by leeches (naturally), tickling the throat, variations on getting people upside-down and even literally blowing smoke up person’s rectum. Given how that last practice has passed into the common vernacular, you can imagine how well this went over. Fortunately, there was some success with two techniques: pressing down on abdomens and doing respirations. These actually caught on, though the physiology was poorly understood. For example, it took about two hundred years for people to realize that the airways needed to be clear for air to go in them. Science, circa 1799. Even after hundreds of years of progress, we’re still trying to figure out the magic formula. There are conferences, research and symposia on the matter. And yet, the jury is still out on the basic concepts of CPR, like the ratio of compressions to breaths, or whether to slam on your fragile organs instead of your heart or even whether to administer mouth-to-mouth at all! Hopefully your would-be savior has kept up to date on the major medical journals. Also, thanks to science, we’re also doing our best to generate some cutting edge or “wacky” techniques. Therapeutic hypothermia, for example, involves intentionally reducing your temperature to low levels to induce some kind of hibernation or something. We’re not totally sure, but it definitely seems pretty awesome. Not that it will do you much good unless you decide to keel over during the Iditarod. They probably don’t even have the KFC Doubledown up there. Savages. 4. The Education is Suspect We’ve seen it on TV, where someone suddenly flops over and they’re unresponsive but some anonymous hero immediately jumps in with the golden phrase: “Stand back! I know CPR!”. It’s the next best thing to having a real doctor. Or a nurse. Or an EMT. Or a fireman… police officer… the point is, “guy who took a lifesaving class at the Y” is probably in the top ten. We’d probably trust the dentist more. He deals with mouths every day. Oh, and lifeguard should be in there somewhere. Anyway, the idea is that the Average Joe can also be a hero if they simply take part in some rigorous CPR training. Except for the rigorous and the training parts. To truly maintain your certification through the American Red Cross, you need to take a refresher course every year (in most states). That means a fee and more time out of your busy schedule, so you can guess how many people who don’t have to maintain it for their work bother to stay consis[...]