Limited Appeal

This episode we finally take another nature walk! The topic this week: unicorns. OK, so maybe it's not as natural as usual, but there's a lot of undiscovered country concerning unicorns, so it's a rich vein to mine. Much of our discussion focuses on the proper dimensions of things: how many cubits per horn, how big a unicorn sleeping kennel should be, how long a wingspan you need to fly or glide over someone holding a piss trampoline, etc. If you want to contest any of our conclusions about unicorns (and don't mind publicly admitting your virginity), send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

By the time you get through the intro, you'll be suspecting something awful is coming your way. Aaaaannndd, you're right. We start by talking about deep fried things, but then the discussion takes a sharp turn to the nasty. Sorry, but we need to get this out of our system (ahem) every once and a while. For those of you who don't like discussions of bodily functions, you're probably not a regular listener, right? Anyways, after explaining the rules to a twisted legendary Australian game, Warren reveals his discomfort with handling feces, which leads us to a bunch of related topics (there are several related topics, as it happens). Listen if you dare. If you think your butter has gone bad, then don't blame us. But do email us next time you're going to have a shower (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

As promised, and perhaps much sooner than expected (since we don't encourage expectations of any sort), we present for you, round 3 of What am I eating? We're increasing some constraints, and relaxing others: now one of us needs to eat a food and a drink, plus toast someone, but it no longer has to be something we would all eat. Are you satisfied, Josh? You shouldn't be, because this is just the beginning, and although we make some progress towards resolving the final scores, only a psychic could predict them accurately (apart from the fact that John will get his reacharound somehow). If you want to play along in our game, you should only listen to the first part of the episode (we'll use the honour system here), then send your guesses for what Warren is eating by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). All entrants receive the amazing prize of not having to listen to the end of this episode. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start this week with the increasingly irregular mailsack segment, where loyal listener Josh sends in a complimentary email, but prods us to complete at long last our "What am I eating?" contest. The incredibly loyal and patient listeners among you will know that we began the contest with two editions quite some time ago, but never really got around to the requisite additional editions we need to determine the winner. Sadly, on the way to addressing Josh's email we get a bit distracted, and can barely decide whether to address his complaint or leave him in limbo a bit longer. Next, T-bone reads out a somewhat less specific email from John Arthur promising us a place in his super-secret millionaire society for free yes free no catch. Our inability to find the correct website is a shame in light of somewhat recent concerns about some jackass patent troll suing Adam Corolla over his popular podcast. We offer Adam sanctuary in our Canadian podcast on the condition he doesn't ruin our high quality recording atmosphere. Billygoat!! Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

This week Warren presents us with a real quandary in Foody Goody: what is the difference between soup and tea? If you think this is easy, hold on! It's a lot more complicated than you think, and most of the criteria we first propose are clearly violated by one or more exceptions that disprove the rule. Consider the following questions: "If you made a soup only out of leaves, would that be tea?"; "If you eat the tea leaves, does that make it soup?"; "Does it matter what part of the meal the tea/soup comprises?"; "What if you have a cup of tea, and you accidentally drop some macaroni in it?" This is a minefield, folks. It's a wonder that anyone can sleep at night given all of the unresolved questions! If this gives you insomnia that fuels some ideas, send them our way via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

To begin, Warren asks us to name 5 pairs of words, that if they were anagrams, would work well in a dyslexia joke. Turns out this is a pretty tough assignment when one has limited inspiration. See if you can better our contributions (I'll bet you can), and email us with your suggestions: maskedman@limitedappeal.net. Then, in Polish the Bishop, Warren asks us to come up with a word for the near-universal urinal stand-off that occurs when two guys are trying to pee at the urinals in a public toilet. It's unspoken, but you don't want to lose this race, apparently. Unless you're T-bone: he'll stand there for hours to pee in peace, and he doesn't owe anyone. Fuck everybody! John, on the other hand, is a toilet sprinter who knows nothing about the subtle contests that have been going on without his knowledge. Do women have similar contests I wonder, or are they just as sensible as drunk people? Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We kick off a brand new season with a new edition from our "staggeringly popular" segment, "How about that?" Warren describes the circumstances leading up to and surrounding the trial of a 17th century "habitual troublemaker" (great job if you can get it) George Spencer, who was convicted of bestiality (sort of – listen for the details) on the basis of dubious testimony from a stillborn piglet and himself, and possible also on the basis of his appearance. Did I mention this is not an Urban Legend segment? What's the difference between molesting a pig (an obvious crime) and being ordered to fondle a pig by a court (which is just following instructions)? And how can you tell if a pig is showing a "working of lust"? Oy. To be honest, we really don't provide any answers, but we do draw inappropriate conclusions about the nature of early forensics teams. How about that? Let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Warren starts by clicking on a testicular cancer mascot this week, and this makes us wonder whether Senhor Testiculo has a prominent mole, or whether it's just an ear, or his balls (do balls have balls?), or his arms. Or maybe just a gaping wound where he was severed from the rest of the body? As promised, here's a link so you can judge for yourself: http://www.limitedappeal.net/extras/photos.html Then, in Urban Legend, Warren explains the origin of the word butterfly: in middle Dutch-land and Germany, the locals noticed that their local butterflies excreted a substance that probably looked and tasted like butter, at least according to the history books. Hence, the butterfly! Try it on some toast, if you have a magic box in your house that can perform the complicated steps needed for preparing some. Let us know what your local insect frass tastes like via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Happy Tedmas everyone! It's that time of year when we try to include and alienate everyone in our special annual Tedmas show. Hard to believe it's Tedmas time already, but there it is. One minute you're soaking up the sun, the next you have to put up your shed. Unless you live in the southern hemisphere, in which case, you're possibly still in the sun, or unless you have no shed in your basement, in which case, you can just sit under your house stilts. Warren points out how we have until now been inadvertently exclusionary about Tedmas, and naturally we spend some time trying to decide whether this is a good or a bad thing, while inaugurating a twist on the holiday that will make it more (or perhaps less?) inclusive. Anyway, Happy Shedmas! Isn't that better? If you have no house, or no basement, or no shed, you can always join T-bone in his basement for the holidays. Email us to make arrangements: (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

WWHHHAAAAAANNNNNNNNNHHHHH! Yup, that's the sweet sound of Scotland. While the ringing in your ears dies down a bit, here's a twisty-twist on Urban Legend: Warren will present an urban legend, and then claim his own story is bullshit, and then we need somehow to contradict him: many years ago in Scotland, a common pub game involved grabbing or punching the stomach or genitals in an attempt to encourage audible burping or farting. Plausible, isn't it? Then, in Dictionary Plus, Warren suggests a new system for talking about the reverse order of things. You wouldn't want to be stuck trying to smoothly say seventh or ninth from last without a clever word, and anyway, figuring out what the hell someone means when he or she says propreantepenultimate! This is a serious problem, obviously. What do you think of our new system? Email us: (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

How much Limited Appeal is there, if you wanted a podcast marathon? We never actually tell you, but it's a lot. We're talking morning, noon, night, bullshit, bullshit bullshit, bullshit, bullshit bullshit bullshit. Somehow this prompts Warren to audibly crank up his podcast machine to check. On another topic entirely, have you been paintballing? If you've never heard of this, it's not nearly as degenerate as it sounds: just a bunch of folks pretending to shoot each other while pretending that they're not actually shooting each other. In the head and face. Don't let our conversation convince you this is a ridiculous hobby, though (even though it almost certainly is) – give it a go, and let us know how you do by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net)! Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Did you know that you can't slip someone a valium? Well, you could, but it wouldn't be effective. This is important if you're trying to secretly get someone to relax. Note this is not exactly the placebo, because there's an element of subject awareness to the effectiveness, apparently. It's pretty fucking confusing, and perhaps (what do you know?) bullshit. How about that? Maybe part of the standard placebo trialing should involve subterfuge. We think Hrobjartsseon and Gotzsche have a lot to answer for, not least an explanation for some alternative delivery mechanisms for diazepam. If you want to explain yourselves, fellas, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Hola! So Warren was watching the movie Surrogates, and while he only saw some of it, he figures the screenwriters missed out on some the obvious implications of having a robot version of yourself to run around in and live your life through. Sure, they figured out some stuff about violent crime and STDs, but what about the sweat pants, huh? And public toilets? And if you wanted your surrogate to defecate (for obvious reasons) what would come out? Now imagine all the unresolved details about health care and identity theft, and doctors who fake proctology credentials. This is a real quagmire, folks, even before you realize that autoerotic takes on a whole new meaning now. We're all about the important details here at Limited Appeal. You're welcome! Send us your thanks by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start out the episode talking about popular expressions that are less than 20 years old. If you have any other ideas than what we came up with, send us a fax. If you don't have a fax machine yet, then send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Later, we move into a brand new segment called "How about that?" Warren presents a rather scathing review of Huxley's Brave New World, and then asks "How about that?" This new segment enrages John and confuses everyone else. So it's about par for the course. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Warren challenges team LA to answer this unresolved question: when does a scarf become a blanket? Does it have anything to do with wheels or posture? You'll have to listen to John stutter through a painful (although amusing) summary of the issues, but this precis quickly becomes inadequate, as we discover the nuances of this superficially simple, but actually intricate problem. In fact, although we do suggest some of the philosophical complexities, we may need your help to achieve a satisfying solution. Email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) with your suggestions! Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.