The Art of Charm

Building (or breaking) a new habit can effectively be broken into 3 different phases, each with its own challenge which can prevent you from reaching the next one - but what are the 3 phases, how can awareness of each one assist you, and is a new habit locked in once you reach the 3rd phase? What to Listen ForWhat are the three phases of efficiently building new habits?How long is the “honeymoon” phase of building a new habit and what can you do to ensure you don’t fail immediately after?What is the “fight thru” phase of habit building and how can you use knowledge of it to your advantage?What 2 simple questions can you ask yourself everyday to keep you on track?Why are contingency plans vital to developing and maintaining strong habits?How do you make sure the success of building one habit doesn’t lead you to be lazy when it comes to maintaining it?AJ explains how you can actually revert back through the phases of habit building if you’re not careful and intentional about continuing to work on themWhere does self-compassion enter the equation of habit building and how can the lack of it lead you to fail?How can habits impede progress toward your larger goals and what can you do to mitigate the interference?AJ and Johnny explain how to use regular goal setting, intentional novelty, and the celebration of small victories to compound your development of great habits Building new habits is an ongoing process that requires your daily attention and effort in order to succeed. When first starting a new habit it can be easy to get caught up in the immediate rewards of progress - notice by friends and coworkers and changes in mood and feeling to give a couple examples. After the first phase, however, it becomes more challenging and it can be easy to fail unless you set your mind to the process. Finally, once you push through the second phase into the last phase, your job is not over, because now you must work at maintaining the new habit. Set goals to keep challenging yourself, find friends or family to keep you accountable by challenging each other, and introduce novelty in whatever habit you’re trying to maintain to ensure it doesn’t get boring. A Word From Our Sponsors Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! Molekule uses nanotechnology to break down pollutants on a molecular level. For $75 off your first order, visit molekule.com and at checkout enter CHARM. Resources from this Episode “Habit Formation: The 21-Day Myth” by Jason Selk Self-esteem is Bullshit (Episode 729) Master Your Mindset with David Goggins (Episode 730) Goals: How to Pick ‘em & Achieve ’em | Chris Tye-Walker (Episode 732) “How Habits Can Get in the Way of Your Goals” by Catherine Benner Habits in Everyday Life: Thought, Emotion, and Action Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Instagram Johnny on Twitter

Building habits is a gradual and effective process that can forever change your life when done right - but what goes into habits in the first place, what is the most effective way to break/build habits, and how can you use science and self-awareness to successfully build life-changing habits? What to Listen ForHow are willpower and habits related and how can you use one to take advantage of the other?Why is willpower like a battery and what can you do to make sure you use that energy as effectively as possible?Why do so many people fail at accomplishing their New Years Resolutions within the first week and what can you do to avoid that fate?What do many of us do to set ourselves up for failure from the start?What are the two support systems of willpower and how can you ensure they’re working for you rather than against you?What role does self-compassion play in the successful development of habits and how can you start cultivating it today?What is the optimal number of habits to focus on at one time and how long does it take for each habit to become routine?How often should you practice a new habit in order to solidify it?What time of the day is best for building new habits?What is the one common theme we hear from the majority of our guests when it comes to how they achieved their success?Why is tracking your progress integral in developing new habits?What can you do to outsource your self-awareness and reduce the finite willpower you have to use? The most energy efficient way to go through your day is when the day consists of established routines. In this case, energy is also equivalent to willpower, and the more changes you make to your daily routine, the more willpower it requires. Therefore, the most effective way to start breaking old habits and building new ones is to start small. Understand the routines you use now, and implement one small change based on a habit you want to break or form. Then utilize the tools AJ and Johnny give you to ensure your success.   A Word From Our Sponsors Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! HelloFresh are delicious, pre-measured ingredients and simple, chef-made recipes that we deliver to your doorstep every week. For a total of $60 off, that’s $20 off your first 3 boxes, visit HelloFresh.com/charm60 and enter CHARM60. “Great protection. Fair prices. Easy to use. SimpliSafe is the right way to protect your home.” Go today to SimpliSafe.com/AOC to get your system today! Resources from this Episode Just 8% of People Achieve Their New Year's Resolutions New Years Resolution Statistics The Radish Experiment Self-esteem is Bullshit (Episode 729) Effects of circadian cortisol on the development of a health habit. Goals: How to Pick ‘em & Achieve ’em | Chris Tye-Walker (Episode 732 “Making Habits, Breaking Habits: Why We Do Things, Why We Don’t, and How to Make Any Change Stick” by Jeremy Dean, on the myth of building/breaking habits in 21 days The Power of Accountability (Episode 703) A Theory of Objective Self-Awareness (New York: Academic Press, 1972) Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Instagram Johnny on Twitter

Physical fitness can play a significant role in rebuilding your confidence, but what all goes into achieving a desired level of fitness, how do you set goals to ensure steady progress, and how does the pursuit of health and fitness improve your life overall? What to Listen ForWhat is Barry’s Bootcamp and is it for you?How are fitness & confidence related and how can you rely on exercise to strengthen your confidence?Why is there no single best diet for everyone and how do you figure out what foods work best for your goals?How important are habits when it comes to working out and what can you do to avoid failure?Chris explains why goal setting is important and how you can set goals conducive to success instead of failureHow important is it to have an accountabilibuddy and how can you find one if your friends aren’t interested?What is the value of having a coach versus working out with friends or on your own and how can it stop you from failing?How do you reframe small failures to further motivate you toward your goals rather than allowing them to cascade into falling off the wagon?How do you develop resiliency in the face of strong self-doubt? Achieving your fitness goals - whether that means getting in shape, training for a race, or just feeling healthy - is about more than just spending 30 minutes in the gym a few times a week. First, you must eat food that is conducive to your goals. Are you trying to gain muscle or burn fat? Are you training for a marathon or a powerlifting meet or a bodybuilding competition? How well does your body respond to dairy, sugar, gluten, etc. Know your body and understand the caloric/nutrient requirements of what you’re trying to achieve. Second, you must train in a way that allows you to track your progress. Use a journal to track your workouts and set goals for subsequent workouts. You’re not always going to have incremental progress but the key is to be able to identify a positive trend over time. Third, your habits are crucial to making gains and keeping your sanity. We only have so much willpower in one day and the easier we can make it on ourselves to make the right decisions, the easier it will be for us to hit our goals. Go to bed early. Get enough sleep every night. Prepare your meals ahead of time each week. Reserve alcohol for one night a week or special occasions.  A Word From Our Sponsors Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! Go to podium.com/charm for 10% off your monthly subscription. Become the obvious choice online. Go to podium dot com slash CHARM to get started and save 10% Blinkist gives you access to key insights from 2,500+ bestselling nonfiction books, transformed into powerful packs you can read or listen to in just 15 minutes. Go to blinkist.com/aoc to start your FREE trial or get 3 months off your yearly plan. DesignCrowd helps startups and small businesses crowdsource custom graphics, logos, Web design — even tattoo designs! Check out DesignCrowd.com/Charm for a special $100 VIP offer for our listeners or enter the discount code CHARM when posting a project. Resources from this Episode Chris Tye-Walker Chris on Instagram The Tread Series - Use code CHARM to get 20% off! Sweatflix  Master Your Mindset with David Goggins (Episode 730) Self-esteem is Bullshit (Episode 729) Steven Hayes, Ph. D. Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Instagram Johnny on Twitter

As we progress further down the path of technology and electronic communication, digital marketing is playing a bigger role than ever, so what is it, how does it affect you in today’s world, and what can you do to make sure you’re using it to help you instead of hinder you. What to Listen ForWhat makes the present the most disruptive time in human history?Why is it important to develop relationships first and then work on marketing second?How do you find alignment with your customer’s values?What are the three R’s Phillip uses to achieve success in business and politics?What are most people doing wrong in their branding strategies?How do you stand out as someone people should pay attention to?Phillip explains how to improve digital communication and develop rapport using technologyHow do you deal with friends who respond poorly to your emotional bids?Phillip touches on how important vulnerability is in politicsWhat do you do when someone uses vulnerability to control a conversation? We now live in a world where everyone has a voice and a platform to be heard from. As a result, there is a considerable amount of noise which means you either have to be loud enough to be heard above the noise or your message must be clear and strong enough that it pierces through the noise to reach your audience. Rather than being loud and obnoxious in order to grab attention, you can find the proper alignment between your values and your customer’s values, ensure your branding is on point, and place an emphasis on relationship building instead of just forcing people to listen to what you have to say. A Word From Our Sponsors Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! Resources from this Episode Fire Them Now by Phillip Stutts Phillip Stutts on Twitter Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Instagram Johnny on Facebook

We are all capable of more than we think because many of us don’t push ourselves beyond the limit our mind tells us we have - so what does it mean to master your mindset, why is it so beneficial to externalize your insecurities and fears, and how can you change your relationship with suffering in order to live the life you want. What to Listen ForWho did David Goggins have to invent in order to change his life and how can you do the same thing right now?What excuse are you likely to make when you listen to stories like David’s and how is it stopping you from living the life you want?How do you flip the switch when you’re having an off-day so you can be ON IT whenever you need it?Why is it crucial to change your relationship with suffering if you want to lead the life you dream of?David Goggins explains what the 40% rule is and how it limits us from achieving our potentialWhy do you revert to old habits when you start taking steps to change your life and what can you do make lasting changes?David Goggins explains why he declined lucrative offers from the top 5 publishing houses to instead self-publish his book Can’t Hurt MeWhat do you do when you start working on yourself and the people around you don’t support you? For most of human history, we lived in an environment that pushed us to our physical limits in order to survive. We had to excel at being human and cooperating with other humans in order to ensure each successive generation could continue on. Modern society, however, has decreased the need for that physical capacity and as a result, many of us do not know what it means to push ourselves to the limit and beyond, and the benefits which arise from such a pursuit. It’s time to change that. Pushing yourself physically is not just about exercise and getting sweaty. It’s about returning to what made us human, and to do that you must be willing to embrace pain. You must be willing to develop a positive relationship with suffering. You must be willing to master your mindset. A Word From Our Sponsors Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! GREATS designs classically inspired sneakers for men and women using luxury high quality materials and construction. Save 15% by entering CHARM at checkout at greats.com. Great protection. Fair prices. Easy to use. SimpliSafe is the right way to protect your home.” Go today to SimpliSafe.com/AOC to get your system today! Resources from this Episode Living With a Seal by Jesse Itzler Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins David on Instagram David on Facebook David on Twitter Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Instagram Johnny on Facebook

Many of us grew up in a world that praised the idea of having high self-esteem - but what exactly is self-esteem, why have we been wrongly focused on it for so long, and what do we need to focus on moving forward? What to Listen ForWhy is artificially inflating self-esteem dangerous and how can you avoid doing it to yourself and your kids?What is that self critical voice we all hear and how does it affect our self-esteem?What is imposter syndrome and how does artificially inflated self-esteem contribute to it?Dr. Hayes explains the root of the word confidence and why many people who appear confident actually are notHow is social media making it difficult for people to be self compassionate and true to themselves?What are the three components of self-compassion and how can you implement them today to improve your confidence and quality of life?Dr. Hayes explains how to strip your inner critic of its powerIs there such a thing as too much self-compassion?Why is it important to determine your values and how can they help you navigate through daily life and the biggest challenges we all face? Artificially inflating someone’s self-esteem is never advisable. On one end it can lead to a collapse of the person’s identity the moment he faces significant stress because there is no foundation for that view he holds of himself. On the other end it can lead to arrogance and entitlement when a person expects the world to be handed to her simply because she thinks she’s “the best.” We all face challenges in life that push us to our limits and beyond, so why not equip ourselves with the tools necessary to endure the resulting pain and move forward with our lives? One of those tools is self-compassion, a term not many of you might not be familiar with just yet. There are 3 components to self compassion: (1) be kind to yourself, (2) realize everyone is dealing with these struggles, and (3) be present with what you feel - don’t exaggerate your feeling or play them down. If you can cultivate self-compassion you will accept that your life will not always be rainbows and butterflies, your thoughts and feelings can’t always be positive, and you can be patient with yourself during stressful times.. A Word From Our Sponsors Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! Great protection. Fair prices. Easy to use. SimpliSafe is the right way to protect your home.” Go today to SimpliSafe.com/AOC to get your system today! When it comes to growing your business, PayPal is your payments partner for today and tomorrow • Visit PayPal.com/Growth to set up a business account today! Resources from this Episode Is Self Compassion More Important Than Self Esteem by Steven Hayes, Ph. D. Alex Banayan Episode The Third Door by Alex Banayan Self-compassion protects against the negative effects of low self-esteem: A longitudinal study in a large adolescent sample by Sarah Marshall Steven Hayes TED Talk Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Instagram Johnny on Facebook

If you want to want to flourish no matter what life throws at you, you must develop a solid foundation of resilience - but what is resilience, why is it so important to our overall happiness and success in life, and how do we make sure we have enough of it to get through the unavoidable blows to our confidence and self-esteem we all take throughout our lives? What to Listen ForWhat three myths do we hear about in every Art of Charm Bootcamp?Johnny touches on why it’s important to never get too comfortable about your own level of confidenceWhy is a heavy focus on self-esteem dangerous for your confidence and what is the science that backs that up?How does bullying start and what can you do to mitigate it in your children?Why is resiliency more important than self-esteem and what can you do to cultivate resilience in yourself and others?What is the operating manual for running our lives and how do we rewrite it to empower us?What do you need to do before you can start feeling confident?How much of your confidence is determined by your genetics and what does this mean for your ability to build confidence?What two consequences are guaranteed when you step outside of your comfort zone and how can you prepare for them?How do you build a healthy outlook on failure and what can it do for your future potential?What is the proven CAKE equation and how can you use it to work on your confidence every day?Why can coaching help you bring your confidence to a level you didn’t think possible? If your existence in this world was a skyscraper, the beautiful mirror finish would be your self-esteem, the strong internal structure would be your confidence, and the unbreakable foundation would be your resilience. Without the internal support of your confidence, your “shiny” self-esteem is a fragile shell waiting to buckle at the first sign of stress. And building confidence without a solid foundation of resilience is asking for trouble. Something is eventually going to shake your confidence, so why wouldn’t you want a solid foundation in place to ensure you don’t have to rebuild your confidence from the ground up every time life throws another curveball your way? A Word From Our Sponsors Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! Go to podium.com/charm for 10% off your monthly subscription. Become the obvious choice online. Go to podium dot com slash CHARM to get started and save 10% Blinkist gives you access to key insights from 2,500+ bestselling nonfiction books, transformed into powerful packs you can read or listen to in just 15 minutes. Go to blinkist.com/aoc to start your FREE trial or get 3 months off your yearly plan. Resources from this Episode Sugar Ray Leonard Episode Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles? Some People Are Genetically Wired To Be More Confident Brene Brown Sean Stephenson Dr. Steven Hayes Art of Charm Bootcamp Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Facebook Johnny on Twitter

Sugar Ray Leonard is regarded as one of the greatest boxers of all time, but did you know he battled social anxiety and substance abuse during his career? We all face obstacles in life on our individual paths to success, so how can we take a solid inventory of our strengths and weaknesses, surround ourselves with people who support and encourage us, and outwork everyone around us to ensure we achieve the success we want in life regardless of the hand we’ve been dealt? What to Listen ForHow did Sugar Ray know he was going to win or lose a fight before it even started and how can you apply that knowledge to the challenges in your life?Sugar Ray’s approach his training compared to his competitionWhy is it important to remain adaptable throughout your professional and personal lives?When did Sugar Ray realize he was hooked on boxing and why was it related to his brother’s broken nose?How life is similar to a boxing matchWhat can we all learn from getting punched in the face?How do you maintain perspective and groundedness when you start seeing success and why is it important to your future success?Sugar Ray discusses his morning routine and why it’s so conducive to increased productivity and focus during the dayHow did Sugar Ray overcome his social anxiety both inside and outside the ring to become one of the greatest boxers of all time?Why are mentors critical to your success in any line of work?What boxing lessons did Sugar Ray strive to instill in his children and what can we all learn from those lessons? The path to success for anyone is never a straight shot. Often it is plagued with challenges, struggle, blood, sweat, and tears. In addition, we all have weaknesses to contend with as well. However, we can either use the hurdles in our path as excuses for why we can’t finish the race, or we can learn to jump over them. We can let life knock us off our feet and stay there, or we can keep getting back up and take the next punch with a smile. Life is in many ways like a boxing match. We all go through different rounds, we’re not guaranteed any certain number of them, we win some and lose some, and no one will hit you as hard as life does. Stories like that of Sugar Ray exist to inspire us and show us what can be accomplished when your heart is in the right place, you believe in yourself, and you surround yourself with people you can count on to propel you to the top. A Word From Our Sponsors Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! Great protection. Fair prices. Easy to use. SimpliSafe is the right way to protect your home.” Go today to SimpliSafe.com/AOC to get your system today! Honest guidance to get the right vitamins. For 25% off your first month of personalized Care/of vitamins, visit TakeCareOf.com and enter CHARM. Resources from this Episode Sugar Ray Leonard Sugar Ray Leonard Foundation Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Instagram Johnny on Twitter

Many of us take listening for granted because we do it all day every day, but did you know there are multiple layers to listening and many of us only focus on one of them - so what does it mean to listen in color versus black and white, how can you vastly improve your listening skills with a few tips you can start using today, and why is effective listening such a powerful skill to have?  What to Listen ForHow can you use silence in conversation to improve your listening skills?What are the four villains of listening and how can you avoid becoming each one?What is the 125-400 rule and why is it so important when it comes to effective communication?What tips can you implement today to become a better listener at work and at home?How can you use body language to improve your listening ability?What does listening for patterns in what people say teach you about what’s important to them?What is the difference between listening with your head and listening with your heart?What are the five levels of listening and which one do 86% of people zero in on?The one question you can use at any networking event to connect with anyone Listening is the most important skill we can develop as humans because we primarily communicate using spoken language. In addition, one could argue the only reason we have made it this far as a species is our ability to work together in large groups, so where would we be if we never developed language and therefore the ability to listen to and understand what others want us to know? Technology has since replaced many of the reasons we initially developed and used spoken language for (oral history, traditions, business, transactions, etc), but it is still the most effective method we have to build deep meaningful relationships with our fellow humans. Also, because of our increasing reliance on technology, attentive listening (aka not getting distracted by our mobile devices every time we hear something vibrate) is not a skill that is being adequately cultivated in the current and subsequent generations. It’s time to change that. A Word From Our Sponsors Great protection. Fair prices. Easy to use. SimpliSafe is the right way to protect your home. Go today to SimpliSafe.com/AOC to get your system today! When it comes to growing your business, PayPal is your payments partner for today and tomorrow. Visit PayPal.com/Growth to set up a business account today Crafted with an Unbreakable Shell. Free Shipping + Guaranteed for Life. Unbreakable. Visit awaytravel.com/charm to get $20 off with promo code: CHARM. Browse the largest selection of audiobooks anywhere with Audible. Start your 30-day trial today audible.com/charm or text ‘CHARM’ to 500500 – and get your first audiobook for free. Resources from this Episode Oscar Trimboli Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Instagram Johnny on Twitter

Cultivating empathy is crucial in developing solid relationships in our personal and professional lives -- but what exactly is it, how is it different from sympathy, why did Michael Ventura found a company based on it, and what steps can we start taking today to work on it? What to Listen ForWhy getting it wrong is human and how it can enable you to embrace making mistakes.How does being vulnerable help to motivate those around you?What is the core principle of empathy?The seven archetypes of empathy as described in Michael Ventura’s book, Applied Empathy, and how knowing them can improve your relationships inside and outside the office.What one exercise can you start doing right now to be more present?How a severe injury and Eastern medicine altered the course of Michael Ventura’s life to lead him to found Sub Rosa and writing Applied Empathy.What empathy is NOT.Empathy versus sympathy and why sympathy leads to disconnection instead of connection.How do sociopaths use empathy against us and the red flags to look for.Michael Ventura explains how to cultivate empathy in larger groups.What one tip does Michael Ventura recommend to everyone to start improving their listening skills NOW which he also uses himself? Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the shoes of another person in order to understand WHY that person is feeling a certain way. While it often gets mixed up with sympathy, the effects they have are polar opposites: empathy allows you to connect with others while sympathy leads to a disconnect. Fortunately, once empathy is clearly defined and you understand the variety of examples as well as start taking steps to work on your ability to empathize, you will quickly notice the relationships in your life grow and strengthen. PLEASE SCROLL DOWN FOR FULL SHOW NOTES AND FEATURED RESOURCES Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! HoneyBook makes it easy for you to book your ideal client faster, more frequently, and with less legwork. Art of Charm listeners can get 50% off the first year of Honeybook with promo code CHARM. Sign up at honeybook.com RXBAR wants to build things the right way. RXBAR believes in the power of transparency, and lets the core ingredients do all the talking with all of them listed on the front of the packaging. For 25% off your first order, visit RXBAR.com/aoc AND ENTER PROMO CODE: AOC AT CHECKOUT. Blinkist gives you access to key insights from 2,500+ bestselling nonfiction books, transformed into powerful packs you can read or listen to in just 15 minutes. Go to blinkist.com/aoc to start your FREE trial or get 3 months off your yearly plan. Resources from this Episode Applied Empathy by Michael Ventura https://appliedempathy.com/ Sub Rosa - Michael Ventura’s company https://wearesubrosa.com/ Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ajharbinger Johnny on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/john.dzubak

Technology in the digital age has made it easier than ever to form new connections and stay in touch with old ones, but it’s also led to increased loneliness and flakiness as people rack up more screen time and less face time, so why is this, why is showing up so important in deepening your connections with others, and what does showing up actually mean? Unfortunately, you may be paying the price of not knowing what that balance looks like if you’re not making a conscious effort to make new connections, deepen your existing ones, and actually show up for the people in your life. What to Listen For:Why is digital communication made to make you feel good and not the person you’re talking to?Why do people flake and how do we overcome that flakiness?How can we deepen the connections we already have?Why do we tend to lose friends over time?The value of getting comfortable saying NOWhat does “showing up” for your friends actually entail?The tools to turn acquaintances into true connections and salvage friendships that might be drifting awayWhy is it more important to be there for the defeats rather than the victories?What one thing can you say to someone going through a tough time when you don’t know what to say Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity for everyone — both men and women — to create accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today theartofcharm.com/challenge. Sponsors: Stitch Fix is personal styling for men, women & kids that sends clothing to your door (with free shipping & returns). Get started at stitchfix.com/charm & find clothes you’ll love! Blinkist gives you access to key insights from 2,500+ bestselling nonfiction books, transformed into powerful packs you can read or listen to in just 15 minutes. Go to blinkist.com/aoc to start your FREE trial or get 3 months off your yearly plan. DesignCrowd helps startups and small businesses crowdsource custom graphics, logos, Web design — even tattoo designs! Check out DesignCrowd.com/Charm for a special $100 VIP offer for our listeners or enter the discount code CHARM when posting a project. Warby Parker has prescription eyeglasses starting at $95 Fast, free shipping both ways. Go to warbyparker.com/aoc to get started with your free at-home trial. Resources from this Episode If you’re wondering why you’ve lost friends in adulthood, this is probably why by Jackie Luo A More Or Less Definitive Guide To Showing Up For Friends by Rachel Wilkerson Miller, Anna Borges, Terri Pous, Gyan Yankovich Jaron Lanier Trust and Betrayal - by Jillian Raftery, based on research by John Gottman Trust and The Marble Jar Video - Brene Brown Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi

We all rely on 3 levels of connection when it comes to meeting people -- but what are they, do we have to follow them in order, and how do we know what level we’re on with someone? WHAT TO LISTEN FORWhat are the 3 levels of connection and why is it important to follow them in order?Is it possible to form a deeper bond with a stranger in 45 minutes than the bond you have with your closest friend?What mistake do many of us make when first getting to know someone and why can it cause a connection to fall apart in seconds?How do we encourage vulnerability from other people so that we can strengthen our relationships?What types of questions should you ask in order to build strong connections?What is the primary driving force behind building connections and being vulnerable?How does comfort with shame and embarrassment build deeper connections? Building great connections with new people can seem like navigating a maze if you don’t understand how connections are built in the first place. When you’re in a maze you can’t see where you started, you can’t see where the exit is, and every turn you take looks like the last one. Once you understand the 3 levels of connection, however, you go from being stuck in the maze to looking down on it. Connection is directly related to vulnerability, and when you’re comfortable being vulnerable at each level you’re able to confidently guide the other person through the maze as you learn more about each other and develop a solid bond. PLEASE SCROLL DOWN FOR FULL SHOW NOTES AND FEATURED RESOURCES Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here! https://theartofcharm.com/challenge/ A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS Problems hiring? ZipRecruiter is the highest-rated hiring site in America. Try for FREE at ziprecruiter.com/charm where ZipRecruiter will send your job to 100+ of the web’s leading job boards. Calm includes guided meditations and Sleep Stories to help you reduce anxiety, lower stress and sleep better. AoC listeners can get 25% off a Calm Premium subscription at calm.com/charm. Get started today at calm.com/charm. Great protection. Fair prices. Easy to use. SimpliSafe is the right way to protect your home. Go today to SimpliSafe.com/AOC to get your system today! MORE ABOUT THIS SHOW Think of the 3 levels of connection like a roadmap. If you were in the passenger seat of a car and you were telling the driver how to get from point A to point B, where would you start? Ideally, you’d find your current location, point A, on the map and start giving directions from there (or pull out your smartphone because this isn’t 1999, type the destination in, and hit enter, but stick with me). If you tried to give directions starting from point B, or somewhere in between points A and B, you wouldn’t go anywhere, the driver would look at you confused, and she might just get out of the car and let you figure it out on your own. YOU HAD ONE JOB! Anyway, the same goes for the 3 levels of connection. If you’re going to start building a connection you must start at the beginning: the first level. Light Disclosure “In order for vulnerability to happen there’s gonna have to be some risk involved,” Johnny states, “and that’s what’s scary about all this. So, the first level that we’re discussing is lighthearted, fun, amusing anecdotes about yourself and the world around you.” Think of an embarrassing story from when you were younger. Maybe you were running a mile in PE (physical education) and tripped in front of the whole class and everyone laughed at you. Maybe you tried to cut your hair and you didn’t realize how bad it was until you walked into class the next day and everybody laughed at you. Or maybe on your driver’s license exam you hit a parked car because you forgot which was the brake pedal… and everybody laughed at you. The point is if you have an embarrassing story from your past that you can laugh at now, you can consider that light disclosure. The person you’re telling the story to might not be able to relate to the exact events, but he will be able to relate to the emotional bids, such as being embarrassed, or caught off guard, or feeling humiliated in front of his classmates. You can be vulnerable in telling a story like that, people can connect with you via the emotions conveyed, and there’s little risk because of the amount of time that’s passed and you’ve moved on (hopefully). AJ put it simply, “We’re pulling a piece of our past that shows a little imperfection.” And before we move onto the second level, keep in mind that these stories are not about the facts (location, color of the chalkboard, number of students that laughed their faces off, etc), but the emotions you felt in the story (embarrassment, frustration, anger, sadness, humiliation, etc). We connect through emotions, not facts. Medium Disclosure Johnny goes on to preface level 2, “Once both people have conveyed those stories, and are feeling matched, you are now at a point where if you want to go further then both parties can feel good about it. And what comes next is level 2, medium disclosure, which is beliefs, opinions, feelings, and ideas about yourself and the world around you.” Johnny also puts that last thought another way, “How you see things coming together, and that has been colored and put together through your sheer experiences in life. Which means that mine are going to be different than yours.” What are some examples of medium disclosure? Well, if light disclosure had to do with something from your past that you can laugh at, medium disclosure is going to be something more related to your present self. Maybe even something in your recent past (the last few years) that still has a hold on you or left a significant impact on how you perceive yourself and the world around you. AJ gives the example of imposter syndrome and feeling like he was a failure. Maybe you went through a bad breakup and it crushed your self-confidence. Maybe you got let go from a job you loved and it made you question your knowledge and abilities and possibly your career choice. The examples above are in a higher risk category than level 1 because someone could use your vulnerability against you, either to manipulate you or just hurt you. In addition, because two people are going to see the world through different lenses, sharing something in the medium disclosure level can invite judgment from the other person as their perception of you and the world is different. Heavy Disclosure “Heavy disclosure is the understandable human weakness, “Johnny continues, “Your fears and insecurities about yourself and the world around you. Now, that is a big one because most people don’t want to have to admit they have fears and insecurities because that leaves them feeling vulnerable which leads them to feel unsafe.” AJ later chimes in, “Now, when we hear heavy disclosure, many of us are not anticipating trust, respect, kindness, or affection. We’re expecting the worst, like ‘Oh my God now I’m going to be so judged, so vulnerable that this person can’t possibly like or love me.’ But in these moments when we progress through the light, we are now dropping our guard, moving to medium [disclosure] where we’re starting to explain our worldview and share that, and then we move to heavy [disclosure] - now we’re actually on the road to real connection!” Heavy disclosure is the final level in this roadmap for connection, but it doesn’t mean you have to get there with everyone you meet. Heavy disclosure should be reserved for those who earn it. Why? Well, if you just go around telling everyone your deepest darkest secrets it tells people you will allow anyone in without knowing anything about them (not to mention those secrets are no longer deep, dark, or secret). As Johnny puts it, “By being selective on who gets that information, it allows that other person to feel special for knowing you in such a state.” SHOW NOTESWe kick things off with the 1997 study by Arthur Aron that sparked the 36 Questions That Lead To Lovewww.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.htmlWhy was it so easy for us to make friends as kids?And why does it get harder to make friends as we get older?What is vulnerability and why does the thought of being vulnerable in today’s world lead to feelings of fear and anxiety?Johnny touches on why vulnerability allows people to connect with us so quicklyWhat goes on behind the scenes of the “perfect” lives we see on social media?The first level of connectionAJ explains what you should focus on when telling a lighthearted storyThe second level of connectionJohnny and AJ talk about their experience with imposter syndromeWhat mistake do many of us make when first getting to know someone and why can it cause a connection to fall apart in seconds?The third level of connection (aka the big one)Why heavy disclosure is NOT for everyoneHow are vulnerability and the victim mentality related?AJ breaks down how to know when the person you’re talking to is ready for heavy disclosureWhy is it important to be comfortable with our own vulnerabilities before trying to get other people to open up about theirs?How do we encourage other people to be vulnerable?Johnny and AJ break down a common trait many people exhibit that prevents those around them from even wanting to be vulnerableWhat red flag should you look for in others when you start opening up?AJ emphasizes what happens when we don’t follow the connection roadmapWhat questions should you focus on if you want to build strong connections?Why are emotions such a challenging subject for many of us to talk about?Johnny explains the barriers to vulnerability many men in today’s day and age deal withAJ and Johnny discuss how vulnerability and shame are so tightly connectedWhat is the primary driving force under building connections and being vulnerable?What do you have to work on that will allow other people to be more comfortable being themselves around you?Johnny explains the importance of play as described by Brene Brown (https://brenebrown.com/)Why is it so important to talk about shame?Final thoughts Resources from this Episode The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings by Arthur Aron (http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0146167297234003) The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown (https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538231021&sr=1-1&keywords=the+gifts+of+imperfection) Applied Empathy by Michael Ventura (https://www.amazon.com/Applied-Empathy-New-Language-Leadership/dp/1501182854) Check in with AJ and Johnny! AJ on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/ajharbinger Johnny on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/aocjohnny/ Quotes: “We feel strongly connected to those that we feel comfortable enough being vulnerable around.” - AJ “If we want other people to be vulnerable around us, then we’re going to have to be vulnerable ourselves.” - Johnny “The less we talk about shame the more we feel it.” - AJ “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” - Carl Jung

In this episode of The Art of Charm, AJ (@AJHarbinger) and Johnny (@AOCJohnny) wrap up September’s month of Emotional Bids. Before answering listener questions, they speak with Andrea Lee (andreajlee.com), an accomplished coach, successful author, and violence prevention expert. From difficult personal conversations to work-related challenges Andrea believes that the RIGHT use of power - “emotional leadership” is crucial as we try to navigate.  Without it, we end up with the abuse of power and interactions that can lead to emotional abuse. Andrea draws on her personal experience with difficult conversations from both ends of the spectrum - as both a victim and perpetrator of abuse.  She shares what it takes to redeem yourself and rebuild any fractured relationship. Throughout their discussion, AJ, Johnny, and Andrea go in-depth into these moments, discussing the critical turning points in their lives and how they were able to overcome them. And we answer listener questions about emotional bids and personal relationships. WHAT TO LISTEN OUT FORHow can someone break the pattern of abuse in his/her life? Trigger Warning: this episode does contain a discussion about abuse. If this is a trigger for you please be aware. What is the first step to fully understanding a conflict with someone?Saying “yes” is important, but why saying “no” can be even more powerful, and how we can do it with compassion towards others. The Delta model - a 3-point tool that can be universally applied to the toughest conversations.  How can you prepare for a conversation you’re afraid of having with a loved one, partner or colleague. A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS! Blinkist gives you access to key insights from 2,500+ bestselling nonfiction books, transformed into powerful packs you can read or listen to in just 15 minutes. Go to Blinkist.com/AOC to start your free trial or get three months off your yearly plan when you join today. MeUndies are The World’s Most Comfortable Undies, 3x softer than cotton, and made from sustainably sourced fiber.To get your 15% off your first pair, free shipping, and a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee, go to: meundies.com/charm HoneyBook makes it easy for you to book your ideal client faster, more frequently, and with less legwork. Art of Charm listeners can get 50% off the first year of Honeybook with promo code CHARM. Sign up at honeybook.com “Great protection. Fair prices. Easy to use. SimpliSafe is the right way to protect your home.” Go today to SimpliSafe.com/AOC to get your system today! RESOURCES * Andrea J. Lee - https://andreajlee.com * “We Need to Talk: Your Guide to Challenging Business Conversations” by Andrea J. Lee - https://amzn.to/2NxY837 * “The Power of the Positive No” by Dr. William Yuri - https://amzn.to/28MB2g1 KEEP UP WITH THE ART OF CHARM * The Art of Charm Challenge | theartofcharm.com/challenge * The Art of Charm Insiders | theartofcharm.com/insiders * The Art of Charm Bootcamp | theartofcharm.com/personal-bootcamp/ * Best of The Art of Charm Podcast | theartofcharm.com/category/best-of/ * The Art of Charm Toolbox | theartofcharm.com/category/toolbox-episodes SOCIAL MEDIA IG: @theartofcharm | Twitter: @TheArtOfCharm | Facebook: TheArtofCharm Wanna RUN A HALF MARATHON in a Halloween costume w/ AJ & Johnny? Register now at www.runrocknroll.com/los-angeles/ !! ENJOYING WHAT YOU HEAR? Your reviews are essential to us and for those discovering The Art of Charm. Go to theartofcharm.com/mobilereview to share your Art of Charm experience.

On this episode of the Art of Charm, AJ (@AJHarbinger) and Johnny (@AOCJohnny) take emotional bids to the next level by speaking with an expert on validation - one of the most important parts of human connection. That expert is Michael Sorensen, a marketing executive, personal-development junkie, and the author of the best-selling book “I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships. Michael shares his own experiences on the job and in his personal life that led him to writing his book and understanding just how important validation is in creating strong bonds with others.   WHAT TO LISTEN OUT FOR At the end of the day, it’s all about relationships. So, why is validation such a great tool for managing the important relationships in your life Where is one of the best places to start fostering good validation skills? What are some examples of something meaningful to say to someone that’s seeking validation? Why being silent can indirectly push someone away from you What is one of the most effective ways to understand someone seeking validation and emotional attention? When do you know it’s the right time to give someone advice? After taking a listen to this episode, take a moment to think of the best ways for you to make connections with those around you. Are you finding yourself opening up or closing off to those who seeking emotional attention from you? By becoming more aware of these hidden opportunities, we can take better advantage of them and create meaningful relationships.   A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS! eero is the world’s first whole home wifi system that delivers hyper fast, super secure wifi to every room in your home. For free overnight shipping to the US or Canada, visit eero.com and at checkout select overnight shipping then enter CHARM to make it free! Great protection. Fair prices. Easy to use. SimpliSafe is the right way to protect your home. Go today to SimpliSafe.com/AOC to get your system today! Calm includes guided meditations and Sleep Stories to help you reduce anxiety, lower stress and sleep better. AoC listeners can get 25% off a Calm Premium subscription at calm.com/charm. Get started today at calm.com/charm. Stitch Fix is personal styling for men, women & kids that sends clothing to your door (with free shipping & returns). Get started at stitchfix.com/charm & find clothes you'll love!   RESOURCES * Michael Sorensen - www.MichaelSSorensen.com * “I Hear You” Book: https://amzn.to/2p4Jwth * The Gottman Institute - https://www.gottman.com   KEEP UP WITH THE ART OF CHARM * The Art of Charm Challenge | theartofcharm.com/challenge * The Art of Charm Insiders | theartofcharm.com/insiders * The Art of Charm Bootcamp | theartofcharm.com/personal-bootcamp/ * Best of The Art of Charm Podcast | theartofcharm.com/category/best-of/ * The Art of Charm Toolbox | theartofcharm.com/category/toolbox-episodes SOCIAL MEDIA IG: @theartofcharm | Twitter: @TheArtOfCharm | Facebook: TheArtofCharm   Wanna RUN A HALF MARATHON in a Halloween costume w/ AJ & Johnny? Register now at www.runrocknroll.com/los-angeles/ !!   ENJOYING WHAT YOU HEAR? Your reviews are essential to us and for those discovering The Art of Charm. Go to theartofcharm.com/mobilereview to share your Art of Charm experience.

AJ (@AJHarbinger) and Johnny (@AOCJohnny) continue the theme of Emotional Bids by discussing practical ways to deepen and strengthen the connections with the people in our lives. Their source for this week’s discussion comes from a Gottman Institute article by Zach Brittle: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/ Whether it’s reciprocating feelings, talking about your day, or even better understanding physical touch, emotional bids help develop human-to-human connection and build long-lasting relationships.    WHAT TO LISTEN OUT FOR * How can the use of emotional bids help us make better connections with the people? * What is the best way to react to an emotional bid? * We might not always be able to respond to someone’s emotional bid right away. How can we respond to someone to still show that we care? *What role does humor play in emotional connection? * What’s an example of an emotional bid that can be easily overlooked? * We know that being too vulnerable can often put someone off. What ways can you think of that can create this tension? Johnny and AJ share their own experiences with missing emotional bids over the years. Whether it's getting to know someone for the first time or diving into the deepest parts of a romantic relationship, knowing how to spot an emotional bid and how to react is crucial to creating a true bond with someone we care about. A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS! DesignCrowd helps startups and small businesses crowdsource custom graphics, logos, Web design — even tattoo designs! Check out DesignCrowd.com/Charm for a special $100 VIP offer for our listeners or enter the discount code CHARM when posting a project. “Great protection. Fair prices. Easy to use. SimpliSafe is the right way to protect your home.” Go today to SimpliSafe.com/AOC to get your system today! Art of Charm listeners can get ANY PREMIUM INDOCHINO suit for just $379 + FREE Shipping when entering “CHARM” at checkout. This is 50% off the regular price for a made-to-measure premium suit.  Incredible deal for a suit that will fit you better than anything off-the-rack ever could. HoneyBook makes it easy for you to book your ideal client faster, more frequently, and with less legwork. Art of Charm listeners can get 50% off the first year of Honeybook with promo code CHARM. Sign up at honeybook.com RESOURCES * The Ben Franklin Effect - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Franklin_effect * The Gottman Institute - https://www.gottman.com KEEP UP WITH THE ART OF CHARM * The Art of Charm Challenge | theartofcharm.com/challenge * The Art of Charm Insiders | theartofcharm.com/insiders * The Art of Charm Bootcamp | theartofcharm.com/personal-bootcamp/ * Best of The Art of Charm Podcast | theartofcharm.com/category/best-of/ * The Art of Charm Toolbox | theartofcharm.com/category/toolbox-episodes SOCIAL MEDIA IG: @theartofcharm | Twitter: @TheArtOfCharm | Facebook: TheArtofCharm Wanna RUN A HALF MARATHON in a Halloween costume w/ AJ & Johnny? Register now at www.runrocknroll.com/los-angeles/ !! ENJOYING WHAT YOU HEAR? Your reviews are essential to us and for those discovering The Art of Charm. Go to theartofcharm.com/mobilereview to share your Art of Charm experience.