Connected Families

Siblings have conflict. Even a little pushing and shoving can be normal. The fighting itself is not necessarily the problem, it's what kids learn about conflict and resolution over time that’s important. This blog addresses physical fighting between siblings, but the principles apply to verbal fights or peer relationships as well. When kids physically fight, if they get stern scolding, angry tones, harsh consequences, and nothing else from parents, the fighting will be reinforced because the combative mood is continued and modeled by the parents. In the kids’ minds, scolding is nothing more than a grown up form of intimidation and power. They learn by the adult’s example that to win at fights is to win at life.   However, if fighting children are constructively managed, they will learn to work through conflict constructively. They'll learn that resolving conflict well is a win for both parties. So here are some quick ideas for constructive conflict intervention when kids fight. The first thing kids need to learn is that their conflicts are theirs. Adults far too often get involved with their own power and intimidation in conflicts where their intervention is not needed or ultimately helpful. If your kids’ conflict is not leading to destructive patterns in their relationship, then simply stay out of it, or encourage them to fight fair and ask for help if needed. But if their fighting continues to become more hurtful, then intervention can help as long as it considers the following principles. 1. Stay calm. Calm is like water on a fire. Sometimes the fighting is so hot that calmness has no effect. This is when a big dump of water is needed, in the form of a loud and constructive input (not anger and control!). For example: "Whoa! Hold on! Let's not hurt each other!" This said loudly will get attention, and can help everyone, parents included, to calm down. If you can't get calm when you intervene, your kids won't learn to calmly navigate conflict either. 2. Connect. Without taking sides, make sure the kids know you are for them, not against them, by empathizing and listening. Empathy lets them know you understand. You can start the ball rolling by simply making objective observations like, "Wow! you two are really upset right now! It can be really frustrating when things don't work out." Or, "I can see you're having a tough time solving this." These statements give kids a chance to put some words to their thoughts and feelings. Research tells us that, “Children who accurately identify and label emotions tend to be less aggressive ...and are generally more socially competent.” * 3. Engage the kids in solving for themselves. Ask questions like these: "How do you want to solve this? Are you ready to solve it now, or do you need a break? What do you need from me in order to stay respectful with each other?" This gives them a chance to think for themselves and come up with ideas. Especially for younger children, you may want to employ a “restitution consequence” - the child chooses something helpful or kind to do for the other child - when they are ready, but before they engage in any favorite activities. (Read more about this in our book, Discipline That Connects.) 4. Set boundaries for future fights. When the dust settles, talk about ways to solve conflicts more effectively. Ask them what rules they think would help. Agree together what will happen if the physical fighting continues. As a bottom line calmly tell the kids, "When you hurt each other, it hurts not just your bodies, but your relationship. So I'm going to get involved whenever you start hurting each other. If you keep hurting each other physically, I'll involve others to help because it's not okay in our house to hurt each other that way, and it's against the law!" (Read more: “I Called the Cops on My Six-Year-Old Son!”) Physical fighting between siblings can easily balloon out of control if left unchecked.

Sometimes our kids don’t take things seriously because they just don’t understand the weight of their own actions. When that happens, we as parents need to think outside the box to help them understand the consequences now so that they won’t have to reap harsher consequences later. When I (Jim) heard that my six-year-old son had aggressively shoved another student into the wall at school, I decided we needed to have a little talk. He remained casual about it and didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't think his attitude was helpful, or that he was really taking seriously the problem of getting physically aggressive with other students. So I said, "Do you know that using your body to threaten or harm other people is against the law?" "Yeah, right!" he flippantly replied. "It looks like we're going to need some help for you to understand what a big deal this is. I'm going to call the police and let them know what you've done." I was looking for some repentance or remorse. Instead he replied, "Yeah, whatever!" That was my cue. I dialed the police office and told them I had a six-year-old son who I learned had assaulted a girl at school. I told them that the school dealt with it, but that my son still didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I asked whether an officer could come help us get to the bottom of this. Ten minutes later the officer was at the door. It was someone we know, so I explained the situation and told him it was important to me that my son get a sense of how serious this was. He obliged. He firmly interrogated Daniel and made it loudly clear that this is the kind of thing people end up going to jail for when they get older. Daniel sat and listened, petrified. Something about having a police officer in one's face demands a bit of attention - especially for a six-year-old. The officer left and my son burst into tears -- not out of fear of the officer, but out of sadness, remorse, and embarrassment for his behavior. He was upset that I'd called the police, but he also better understood the seriousness of his actions. We then sat, and I told him I loved him and believed that he would keep growing to be more respectful of people, which he did. I took him out for a treat to let him know I was for him and not against him. There was never another report of violence from the school again. The bottom line here is that it's our job as parents to do our best to communicate four powerful messages to our kids throughout disciplining: I am a safe parent. You are loved no matter what! You can constructively solve problems and “do the right thing”. You are responsible for the consequences if you decide not to do “right” things. We most effectively influence our kids toward respect and responsibility when we ourselves take responsibility to communicate these messages to our kids.

Michael Phelps is now the most decorated Olympian in history. On Wednesday night, he won his 18th and 19th medals, making him -- according to many -- “the greatest Olympian ever”. So what is Phelps’ secret? Well, it could be his high-altitude sleeping chamber. But we think it has a lot to do with Phelps’ coach, Bob Bowman. One of the most unusual characteristics of Bowman’s coaching is that he sometimes puts Phelps in difficult situations on purpose to teach him to keep his cool in the face of adversity. For example, there are stories of Bowman asking Phelps’ ride to the pool to arrive late so that Phelps wouldn’t have time to eat dinner before the race, or another incident where Bowman stepped on Phelps’ goggles before a race, cracking them without Phelps knowing. This may sound cruel -- but this “adversity training” paid off in a big way for Michael Phelps. During the 200 meter butterfly race in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Michael's goggles DID fill with water during a real race, and he had to swim blind... but he was prepared. He won gold -- AND set a new world record -- despite the unexpected setback. We do lots of things FOR our kids to "protect" them from adversity. We give them rides when they miss the bus. We deliver their forgotten lunch money. We speak for them when they are criticized. We even do homework for them so they don’t get in trouble with teachers. None of this helps our kids develop adversity skills. It trains them to rely more on a smooth life than on their own capacity for facing difficulty. But tackling challenges on their own prepares them to handle and overcome the challenges they will face in real life. So train your kids to be overcomers! Let them walk when they miss the bus. Take them camping in bad weather. Do challenging things together, and talk about what it takes to get through it. It might be hard now, but it will prepare them to succeed at something harder later.

The worst punishment a parent can give is the impulsive, emotional and irrational consequence that the child eventually weasels out of because both parent and child know it’s unreasonable. Dishing out a quick consequence may help you feel big and powerful at the moment, but it teaches your kids that your word can’t be trusted, therefore you can’t be trusted. A recent coaching client testified to this when she said,  “I never thought about the impact of my empty threats on the trust level in my relationship with my child.” So if you want your kids to trust you, it will help to be more thoughtful about consequences. Try this process: 1) Slow down. Remember you love your child and want what will really be helpful for them. 2) Buy some time. “I’m going to think (or pray) about what would be the most helpful consequence. I’ll get back to you soon about that.” Decide on a consequence that helps your child get back on track/make restitution for their misbehavior. (For an appendix full of creative, thoughtful and constructive consequences, read Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart.) 3) Follow through calmly and lovingly! It’s just what your child needs to respect and trust you. If your child truly believes the consequence is for his benefit (not for your need for control or revenge for his behavior), he is much more likely to comply and more importantly - learn from it!

As parents who care for our children’s spiritual well-being, we try to teach them right and wrong and help them tackle whatever spiritual problems they encounter. However, other than the fact that they’re born into sin, it may well be that a child’s biggest spiritual problem is that the grace they hear about in the gospel story is not what they experience in their closest relationships. The same parents who send them to Sunday School fight in the car on the way home from church and don’t resolve well. Or they yell at their kids impatiently. Or they complain openly about other people. Or they insist on being right. Or they discipline angrily and without grace. The list goes on. We may think our kids won’t notice these behavioral contradictions, but increasingly they do notice and feel embittered (Col. 3:21) or exasperated (Eph. 6:4). I was reminded of this when I led the children’s choir in my church. One of the songs the kids learned was from Galatians 5:22. After singing through the listed spiritual fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control, one of the children said, “Someone should teach that list to my dad.” The child’s dad was a church leader. We realize of course that no parent gets it just right. That’s what grace is for! But in our work with churches and their families over the past twenty years, we see more and more children saying that the way their parents act at church and the way their parents act at home are entirely different. We have spoken with many churched teens who flat out say, “My parents are hypocrites!” If this sounds familiar, make it a point to start making small changes. Pray before disciplining. Ask for forgiveness when you know you’ve blown it. Invite your kids to pray for or serve others together with you. Learning to receive and live by the fruit of God’s Spirit yourself may well be the the key to more kids saying, “My parents’ faith is real, and it compels me to live by faith myself.” Change doesn’t happen overnight, but little differences in your attitude and behavior can begin to turn the momentum and bring real faith to life in your home! Reflection Questions: When was a time when your kids saw you live by the fruit of the spirit? If this question is hard to answer, ask your children. What could you do to live like that more often?   PRINT, SAVE OR   

As soon as kids are capable of doing jobs, take the time to teach them to do the jobs and gracefully hold them responsible to do them.

How can you pass the values and faith while you pass the veggies and fruit? These are important questions. Ask your kids questions about their thoughts and ideas!

"Research shows that the most important thing a child can do to assure long-term well being is eat meals with his or her family. The more meals together, the better!" Over a shared dinner table, kids enjoy the time together and are embracing their parents’ values. So make a commitment. Share more meals!

The concepts in this article can be found in-depth in Jim and Lynne's latest book, "Discipline That Connects™". We recently got the following email from a loving, caring parent. We believe others among you might have similar questions, so we thought we'd share! Hope this conversation answers questions you might have and sparks a few new ones: Dear Jim and Lynne,   Thank you so much for your recent article on discipline. I hear advice like, "You should disciple your children, not discipline." or "Don't get angry with your children." But I am always asking myself, "Well, what does that sound like? What do I say in certain situations? When I say this am I disciplining or discipling?"   I love your real life situation example. One that could take place in my home. Now, what about when I tell my daughter to go brush her teeth to get ready for bed and 15 minutes later she still has not brushed her teeth. I'm just not one to say, "Now honey, I know you don't want to brush your teeth, but we really need to. Can you please go brush your teeth?" My goal is obedience the first time, right away. Delayed obedience equals disobedience. So there should be consequences, right? What should those consequences be?   Thank you for the help you give to us parents trying our best to raise godly children.   L.C.   Our Response: Dear L.C., Glad you asked! The basic question I hear you asking is, “What kind of consequences most effectively ‘disciple’ our children?” Let’s start by talking generally about consequences. Parents tend to think of consequences as something they put in place for kids. But there is a kind of consequence that simply happens. For every action there is an equal reaction. Or as the Bible says, “God cannot be mocked, a man reaps what he sows.”  These are called “natural consequences”. Natural consequences are the best teacher of all.  For example, we can tell our kids until we’re blue in the face not to play with the stove. I’ve seen kids get spanked for this and return within minutes to touch the stove. But I’ve never once seen a child who was burned by the stove go back and keep playing with it. So in a child’s mind, “If you play with the stove you’ll get spanked” is not nearly as powerful a teacher as “If you play with the stove you’ll get burned.” So early in their childhoods, when our kids started playing with the gas stove knobs, I held each of their hands near the flame until they realized how hot it was. They got it! They never played with the stove after that. Brushing teeth was harder, because the natural consequences of not brushing teeth aren’t experienced in an instant. The effects are delayed but serious. So instead of letting the kids learn by trial-and-error, we were more proactive. First, in a blend of teaching and group brainstorming, we helped the kids understand the effects of brushing and not brushing. We talked with them about why God gave them the gift of teeth -- so they could eat healthy food without pain -- and about how brushing our teeth is an important thing to help not damage that gift. Not brushing leads to cavities. Your teeth and gums rot and hurt really bad. It makes you not be able to chew your food. So even the way we dealt with tooth brushing was done through the lens of discipleship. In other words, brushing your teeth is not about obeying mom or dad, it’s about caring for the gift of teeth God gave you. Then we put logical consequences in place that supported the natural consequences. Kids who brushed teeth and were ready for bed on time got more time for bedtime stories. Not being ready on time led to a loss of the stories or of reading time for the older kids. A half hour before bedtime we’d say, "Kids, it's bedtime in 30 minutes. If you get ready quickly, you'll have time for some reading before the lights go out." We did no nagging or demanding, we just asked to see their clean faces and teeth before they started reading.

Researchers tell us that American parents are too child-centered, that making our kids happy is more important to us than teaching them responsibility, and that as a result, kids generally are growing up less prepared to take care of themselves and others than ever before. Lynne and I agree. Not so long ago it was different. For all of human history, until the last 60 years or so, kids were expected at young ages to do what they could do to help their family survive. In other words, their contributions were necessary to keeping others afloat. Faith and values were passed naturally through this process as children and parents shared in the responsibilities of day to day life. Every child was an asset because every child was another worker in the labor force of the family/clan. Kids felt significant not just because parents said 'I love you' at bedtime or sent notes in their lunchbox, but because they knew that if they didn't do their part others would suffer. This concept of being needed is absent in most American homes. Instead of growing up to believe they are here for others, kids grow up to believe that others are here for them. Add to the mix a child's selfish, sinful nature, and we've got a real problem on our hands. Welcome to what some sociologists call the Age of Entitlement.  Once upon a time it was normal for kids to say, "please" and "thank you", and they were conscious that they were contributors to the welfare of others. They now generally say, "I deserve what I want, when I want it, without earning it, and I'm bitter if I don't get it".  They believe the world is theirs to manipulate for their own pleasurable purposes. Your family can be different! The way to change this cultural epidemic is to change what happens in our homes. The first thing Lynne and I suggest for countering this trend is to give your kids meaningful jobs as early and often as they are capable of carrying them out. Give them jobs that if not done will result in consequences for other people. As much as possible, set up systems and structures that truly depend on the child's participation. Being needed gives kids a healthy sense of significance and purpose. Practically, are you willing to take the time now to train your two-year-old to set the table? Are you willing to give a five year-old the responsibility of preparing and serving breakfast, or your ten-year-old that of mowing the lawn? Of course, if you're in your easy chair reading the news while he works, your child will feel enslaved. But if you use that time to bless someone else - even someone outside the family - and then tell stories about how everyone's contributions blessed others, you'll be well on the way to developing a strong sense of the value that your family is blessed to be a blessing. So get to work inviting your kids to join you in being a blessing to others. It may be the most important thing you can do to combat selfish entitlement and grow a healthy sense of significance. Read more: Your Kids: Responsible or Spoiled? Michael Phelps' Secret... and What It Tells Us about Parenting Raising Overcomers Consequences that Actually Work! (Part 3 -- Restitution Consequences) Follow-up Post: (even better than this one) Free related book chapters: From How to Grow a Connected Family: From Discipline that Connects™:             

If your kids are messy, and won't clean up after themselves, it's not because they're bad kids, it's because they haven't been taught well. Some kids are harder to teach than others. For these kids, a little fun might be the answer. With the two year-old in our home we made it fun. You can read about it here. The short of it is that just after he turned two he learned to set the table and clear the dishes all by himself. He was SO proud. Now, a year later, he still happily engages in dinner prep and cleaning. The simple technique used to help him learn was (is) to have fun doing it together, give clear instructions about what is expected, provide help and encouragement along the way, and enjoy the results. Just the other day, when Eli wanted to go play downstairs, I said to him, "Eli, you can play downstairs as soon as you've put your upstairs toys away." "OK!" was his answer, and one minute later his drums and blocks were properly put away, and he waddled joyfully downstairs. As a three year-old he truly values cleaning up his messes, and many times even does it on his own initiative. Older kids present different challenges, but the same process can be effective. One time Lynne was praying about how to encourage 13 year-old Bethany to clean her room. She was hoping God would reveal some wonderful, crafty, and powerful consequence that would motivate the cleaning. Instead she felt like God's spirit whispered, "Clean with her, and enjoy the results." So they had a fun time together cleaning. The whole time Lynne resisted the urge to make sure Bethany did it exactly "right" (whatever "right" is - who after all owns the corner on the market of exactly what is the "right" way to clean?), and instead joyfully worked with her until the room was decently clean. They then took some pictures and printed them so Bethany could be reminded of the day, and the results. Over time, Bethany took increasing responsibility for keeping her room clean, and Lynne kept resisting the impulse to nag, and instead would offer to help when she could see Bethany was overwhelmed. This approach once and for all broke the intensity of the cleaning wars. So whether kids are young or old, don't fight them, join them, and enjoy the process. Image © Udra11 | Dreamstime.com