Summary: Sometimes our kids don’t take things seriously because they just don’t understand the weight of their own actions. When that happens, we as parents need to think outside the box to help them understand the consequences now so that they won’t have to reap harsher consequences later. When I (Jim) heard that my six-year-old son had aggressively shoved another student into the wall at school, I decided we needed to have a little talk. He remained casual about it and didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't think his attitude was helpful, or that he was really taking seriously the problem of getting physically aggressive with other students. So I said, "Do you know that using your body to threaten or harm other people is against the law?" "Yeah, right!" he flippantly replied. "It looks like we're going to need some help for you to understand what a big deal this is. I'm going to call the police and let them know what you've done." I was looking for some repentance or remorse. Instead he replied, "Yeah, whatever!" That was my cue. I dialed the police office and told them I had a six-year-old son who I learned had assaulted a girl at school. I told them that the school dealt with it, but that my son still didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I asked whether an officer could come help us get to the bottom of this. Ten minutes later the officer was at the door. It was someone we know, so I explained the situation and told him it was important to me that my son get a sense of how serious this was. He obliged. He firmly interrogated Daniel and made it loudly clear that this is the kind of thing people end up going to jail for when they get older. Daniel sat and listened, petrified. Something about having a police officer in one's face demands a bit of attention - especially for a six-year-old. The officer left and my son burst into tears -- not out of fear of the officer, but out of sadness, remorse, and embarrassment for his behavior. He was upset that I'd called the police, but he also better understood the seriousness of his actions. We then sat, and I told him I loved him and believed that he would keep growing to be more respectful of people, which he did. I took him out for a treat to let him know I was for him and not against him. There was never another report of violence from the school again. The bottom line here is that it's our job as parents to do our best to communicate four powerful messages to our kids throughout disciplining: I am a safe parent. You are loved no matter what! You can constructively solve problems and “do the right thing”. You are responsible for the consequences if you decide not to do “right” things. We most effectively influence our kids toward respect and responsibility when we ourselves take responsibility to communicate these messages to our kids.
