Connected Families

Have you ever noticed that some kids argue more persuasively than others? Or that some kids’ schemes are actually quite creative? Or that some kids’ resistance to our requests is so persistent that we actually give in to them sometimes?

“What should I do?” When parents come to us for help they ask the same question. It’s a really important question. But there is no one right answer. What works for one parent may not work for another. What works today may not work tomorrow. And what does it even mean “it worked?” That a child behaved the way I wanted? That she learned the lesson I wanted her to learn? That he developed a new skill or value? This issue of disciplining children is so much more complicated than we’d like it to be in our day of quick answers and fast formulas. That is why we have developed an approach to misbehavior called “Discipline that Connects.” It’s an approach designed to be simple, but with great respect for the uniqueness of each situation and individual. We address the question “what should I do?” by giving parents a set of goals they can fully control – goals not about their kid’s behavior, but about their own. Briefly stated, “Discipline that Connects” means taking control of the messages you relay to your kids when you discipline. You set a goal to be sure your kids know they’re safe, hear a message of love, remember they are capable, and know that they are responsible. Taking control of communicating these messages is something every parent can do. Making sure your kids behave properly is up to them. Parents who embrace the Discipline that Connects approach report significant changes in their homes. This year we are launching a Year of “Discipline That Connects”. Our website, our parenting tips, our videos, everything this year will be geared towards passing the life-transforming message of “Discipline that Connects” to parents far and wide. We will also be spotlighting a special “Discipline that Connects” parenting tip series, so keep an eye out for that in the coming weeks. We hope you join us for an invigorating year of growth in God’s grace and peace for parenting! Today’s “Discipline that Connects” quick tip: Before disciplining your child, stop, take a breath, and pray for God’s wisdom. [Photo Credit: Kai Chiang | iStockphoto.com]

7-year-old Bryce was a master “chore evader.” When asked to help with chores, this distractable drama king would slump over and whine, “But I wanted to play!” His parents, Sandy and Jeff, had run out of ideas and came to me (Lynne) for help. ...

We often get asked, "What about spanking?" Recently it was by a parent who had explained to her pastor that her daughter’s behavior was really frustrating and difficult. She told us that the pastor’s advice was brief and to the point. He said, "When sh...

There are challenging kids, and there are “over-the-top” challenging kids. If standard parenting approaches just don’t work, or if you resonate with one or more of the comments below, you may well have an above average challenge with your child. If so - today’s parenting tip is for you! "Dressing is always an ordeal for my daughter. No tags, and sometimes no socks, because they drive her crazy." "My teen has never been a touchy kid. It used to be tough to get him to slow down for a hug, but now he even pulls away and acts like I've violated his space." "My child is such a picky eater. I feel like I'm always special order cooking from the 'brown and white’ food group.” "My son just can't sit still - he's always squirming, wiggling. It's almost impossible to get him to slow down, look me in the eye and really listen." "My daughter's mood swings are extreme and sometimes very sudden. The littlest things can set her off. Talk about intense! Her meltdowns wear me out." "My child is easily over-stimulated. Large groups of kids, crowded places or busy stores are usually a prescription for trouble." These comments are from parents who have one thing in common: highly sensitive children! These kids are easily overwhelmed by intense or aversive sensations from their body or their surroundings. They are almost always kids with highly sensitive nervous systems, and their challenging behavior is about much more than defiance or disobedience. This issue hits close to home for us: two of the young Jackson children had meltdowns at the feeling of clothing changes, tooth-brushing, or cold toilet seats. The sound of a blender, a vacuum cleaner, thunder storms or fire alarms inevitably led to intense reactions. We learned early on that disciplining our highly sensitive children for their reactions was like punishing them for getting a cold. Because we are often blamed for our child's difficult behaviors, parents tend to focus on getting rid of the behaviors instead of understanding them. We have seen over and over that there is a very strong overlap between "difficult-to-raise" children and those with sensory challenges. (Both groups comprise about 10 - 15% of children.) The specific behaviors that would clue a parent in to these sensory challenges are numerous and varied, but these children are often louder, more intense, sensitive, active, emotional and/or strong-willed than their peers. If you don't have one in your family, you probably have a close friend or relative who does! The first practical step for parents of such a child is to spend a little more time understanding "What's going on with my child?" instead of "What should I do?" By learning more about their child's nervous system, parents can get strong clues about what might be causing the specific challenges that their child is facing. For example, I (Lynne) coached a mom whose desperation about "what should I do?" led her to seek help. First we addressed "What's going on?" As the mom began to understand her daughter's nervous system and the constant state of "fight or flight" her daughter lived in, the mom had an "aha!" moment. "Could it be my daughter's constipation and crabbiness is affected by her sensory challenges?" I explained that stress can often throw off digestive function. The mom completed her flash of insight: "And the way we've been handling it has only added to her stress!" This understanding brought subtle but powerful changes in how the mom responded to the situation, and her daughter's condition improved dramatically. When we better understand what's going on in our child's nervous system, we can better empathize. When we empathize, we are calmer, our children are calmer, and we can more creatively and positively develop solutions. For more information about highly sensitive children, check out the following resources: "Challenging Children -- What Makes Them Tick?" CD

In a family, we all need each other. We are a team, and we share in the responsibility of the household. “God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be” (1 Cor. 12:18). Each child has a special contribution to make to the body of Christ, and to whatever group she is in, including her family. When everyone contributes, everyone benefits. One child’s service to the family blesses other family members. In addition, children need to serve in order to grow into healthy, contributing adults. When parents do everything for their children, they can create a sense of entitlement that leaves kids unprepared to care for themselves and others. However, when kids use their talents in ways that bless others, they begin to find their way into the purposes for which God created them. So what can I do to help my family learn to serve together? If my children complain about and avoid chores, an essential part of the solution is to nurture a culture of joyful teamwork in my family, which prepares them for faithful service in the body of Christ. The importance of building joy and teamwork into chores was graphically illustrated by the contrast between our interactions with two different moms in one week. Rochelle had been required to do chores when she was young and there were strong consequences if she refused or protested. She shared her discouragement about the impact of this with Lynne one day over coffee. She now generally dislikes housework and quickly feels resentful and critical if she thinks she might be doing more than her share. A few days after that conversation, we joined our friend Jerilyn at her cabin and she welcomed us with joy. She refused to let us put our fresh sheets on the bed, and said, “Oh, no. You have no idea how fast Gracie and I are at this!!” Her 12-year-old daughter Gracie grinned—she knew the drill. The two of them whisked the old sheets off and got the new ones on in no time, laughing about their blinding speed and amazing skill. Jerilyn had been widowed with young children, but she nurtured joy in teamwork as a family, even purchasing three used lawnmowers so that Jerilyn, her son Paul, and Gracie can all mow the cabin’s large lawn at the same time. Their motto about family chores is, “If we all work together, we’ll get it done in no time!” There is never a need for discipline or consequences for avoiding chores; the kids serve eagerly and diligently. In this “tale of two moms”, we see how we parents set the tone for family teamwork on chores. When we emphasize working together to contribute as a family, our kids learn by experience that “many hands make light work.” Not only will this make chores a more pleasant experience in our homes, but more importantly it will instill in our children a sense of their ability to fulfill their work in God’s kingdom throughout their lives.

Kids are rejected from every side. Sometimes the rejection or criticism comes from a teacher that just doesn’t “get” your kid. Sometimes it comes from an angry family member. Sometimes it’s rejection from peers, gossiping, getting picked last in gym class. These daily rejections can erode our children’s sense of being loved and valuable. Being thoughtful about how to counter rejection will help your kids learn to weather the storm. The following is an activity you can do with your kids to help them understand. Take a crisp, clean $20 bill. Ask your child what it’s worth. Of course, they’ll say $20. As the kids watch, crumple the bill, step on it, and even rub a little dirt into it. Call it a few bad names like “Worthless bill!, Dirty money!, You couldn’t buy a thing!” Once the bill is pretty beat up, ask the kids, “What’s it worth now?” They’ll still say $20. Then ask, “Why is it still valuable, considering how it looks and how it was treated?” They may have some answers. Listen well and repeat what they say. Then show them the spot where the seal of the United States treasury is stamped over the word stating its value. “This bill’s value is sealed by the government of the United States, no matter what happens to it.” Then say, “Just like that, our value is sealed by God, no matter what happens to us.” Share this Bible verse: You have been bought and paid for by Christ, so you belong to him—be free now from all these earthly prides and fears. 1 Corinthians 7:23 (TLB).  Pronounce to the kids that they have high value because of Christ! You may even want to put the bill in a picture frame with the verse, as a tangible reminder of the high value that God places on us. This simple illustration will help our kids remember where their true value comes from, and it may even help us to remember that our kids are God’s workmanship, created to do great things in His kingdom! When we better remember this truth, we more often treat our children accordingly. For more on how to communicate messages of high value, even during discipline situations, see our book, Discipline that Connects With Your Child’s Heart. Here are some additional Bible verses you could reference: Ps. 139:13,14 - God carefully made us. 1 John 3:1 - God loves us deeply. Eph. 2:10 - God has a plan to use us to be a blessing. Jesus’ death on the cross is the ultimate proof that our value doesn’t depend on how we're doing (Romans 5:8).

This Election Day, there's bound to be a candidate elected that you would rather not see take office. Or maybe an amendment that doesn't go your way. The way parents respond when this happen speaks volumes to their kids! If we humble ourselves and pray (see 2 Chron 7:14), God's grace will rule our homes. But if we respond to the election by griping about the incompetent people who are going to ruin our country for the next four years, we model a basic (and contagious) disrespect for authority. This is similar to parents who complain about their boss at the dinner table, criticize their spouse’s cooking, and then expect their kids to quickly obey at bedtime, saying “Yes, Sir/Ma’am, I’m on my way!” Our children are watching! And learning! Think about what your behavior teaches your children about how they should act towards leaders, towards other humans, and yes, towards the authorities in their lives - including YOU! The apostle Paul confidently wrote in Philippians 4:9, “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” He was very aware of the example he was setting for his “children.” In his letter to the Romans (13:1,7), Paul speaks to the attitude we should model about authority: “Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established.The authorities that exist have been established by God...  Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.” Bear in mind that the recipients of this letter were not voters in a democracy with freedom of religion and speech. They lived in the heart of the Roman Empire, a dictatorship that could be ruthless without warning or restraint, and Paul still said to respect authority. So this election, as the votes pile up, take a breath and remember this verse as you speak about those who are elected. Better yet, print out the verse and talk about it at dinner with your kids, sharing your own journey of growing in respect for authority. Will this make your the little darlings jump into single file at bedtime? Of course not. But it will be one of many important steps in gradually building a culture of respect and honor in your home.

I saw her coming, eyes flashing and surveying the crowded checkout lines. Her cart was full. Mine was too. I shifted my gaze to the lines as well. It was time to go and there was no way I was going to let her find the shortest line first. I was going to win! The desire to be victorious, to be superior, resides in all of us. This desire takes many forms. At shopping centers we rush to snatch up parking spots, limited-supply free samples (I really love the prime beef at Costco!), and the shortest checkout lines. In conflict we do what we need to do to win. Some of us get loud. Some of us get quiet. Some of us get mean. We all want to win. We do it with our kids, too. We put our hands on our hips and raise our voices. We do what's needed to command respect, but it often creates fear in our children. We "win" when they comply. In subtle but powerful ways they learn that winning is what matters. This is how our children get drawn into the world of winners and losers - the world of bullying. A world where no one really wins. What if just today we engaged our kids, our colleagues, our spouses and our fellow humans with no need to win? What if we treated them like teammates, not opponents? What if just today we decided to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,” but “rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others"? (Phil 2:3-4) What if?

This is the first in a series about a thoughtful and graceful approach to bullying. It's a little longer than usual. Hopefully you’ll see why. You learn that your child has been bullied at school. Your blood pressure skyrockets. You want justice NOW...

Over the past few weeks we learned how effective natural consequences and logical consequences help children learn to make better choices. Today we conclude with Part 3 of our series on Consequences That Actually Work! Restitution consequences With a strong focus on relationships, “restitution consequences” are a type of logical consequence administered when a child has mistreated someone. The goal is to find ways to help the offender “right the wrongs” while restoring the victim and the relationship. The message to the child is: “Your relationships are valuable. When you mess them up, it’s important to do your best to reconnect.” For example, when our oldest son would get rough or aggressive with our daughter, we encouraged him to comfort her with kindness after hurting her. This oriented him immediately toward her, and her toward him. Restitution consequences are radically different from traditional “punishments.” Punishing the offender usually breeds resentment and therefore more and craftier aggression toward the unpunished child. Restitution consequences encourage personal responsibility and usually end with one child feeling cared for and the other feeling caring. It is important to note that “righting the wrongs” does not mean quickly forcing children to “say you’re sorry.” Forced apologies don’t teach true remorse and reconciliation.  The child might conclude, “Say whatever you need to get out of trouble.” Instead parents can set kids up for sincere reconciliation. (Jesus was always about the reality of the heart, not the outward appearance!) You don’t have to force children through the process, but you can put “distracting privileges” on hold until the restitution is done. Read more in our book, Discipline That Connects™ With Your Child's Heart! On more than one occasion in our family we have applied this principle of restitution to child-parent relationships also. Either one or both people involved (depending on who is at fault) reconcile the offense by doing a specific kindness for the other, such as helpfulness, making a little gift or card, planning a special time of connection, etc. On many occasions Daniel would choose to make chocolate milk for Bethany as his “love gift” for her after aggression or roughness. (She would sometimes even choose to share a few sips with him.) By the end they would both be beaming – Bethany because she loved chocolate milk and being treated like a princess, and Daniel because he had switched from “boy in trouble” to “knight in shining armor.” They often played nicely after that, and both of them have fond memories of their “chocolate milk apologies.” As teens they often independently reconciled by taking a sibling out for a coffee date. Conflict will always be part of family life. But true reconciliation and restitution gradually build strong relationships, filled with deep connection and joy! For further reading, check out our new book, "Discipline That Connects", which you can download on Kindle and Nook.

Last week we kicked off our series on Consequences That Actually Work with a post on the importance of natural consequences. Today we look at what to do when natural consequences are not enough. Logical consequences When children are not motivated by natural consequences, they may need more concrete consequences to help them learn. A logical consequence is simply an enforced consequence that is related as closely as possible to the misbehavior. This could include losing a related privilege, or requiring the child to fix what they broke. Losing the privilege is a common Biblical pattern for consequences. When Adam and Eve misused the fruit in the garden they lost the privilege of being there. Moses’ disobedience and poor leadership caused him to lose the privilege of leading the people into the Promised Land. David’s sin of adultery cost him the honor of building God’s holy temple. When Jonah defied God, he was “assisted” in doing what he had been asked to do. Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, suggests remembering the following "3 Rs" to ensure that consequences are both logical and helpful: RELATED -- When the consequence is related to the misbehavior, it helps to cement the relationship between the initial misbehavior and the consequence in the child’s mind. It is far more helpful than taking away some unrelated privilege (like their favorite toy or dessert). Consider the case of a child who tracks mud into the house after being told to leave his dirty shoes outside. A related consequence here would be to have the child clean the carpet where he walked. If he is too young to do this alone, I can either use the opportunity to teach him or at least help him do the cleaning. This not only lets children know they are responsible for their actions, but it also provides a positive interaction for learning further skills and responsibilities. REASONABLE -- A logical consequence must be reasonable -- that is, appropriate to the age of the child and the severity of the behavior. Scrubbing the floor where he tracked is a reasonable consequence. It is not reasonable to have the child clean all the spots on the carpet or to forbid him to play outside for three days. RESPECTFUL -- In order to be most helpful, the consequence must be spoken and enforced respectfully. Adding humiliation to a consequence makes it hurtful instead of helpful. Simply and kindly explain, “Tracking mud in the house is not OK because it damages the carpet and makes extra work to clean it up.” A simple explanation of the consequence diffuses negative emotions and enlists cooperation. Also, do this as soon after the infraction as possible.  Waiting to implement consequences may extend the problem beyond the memory of the child, which greatly decreases the effectiveness of the consequence. When helping children understand the natural consequences of their actions is not enough motivation, bring in some reinforcements! Remember the "3 Rs" and use a logical consequence to help your child take responsibility for their actions. Practice: Take a minute and think of the rules in your home, or maybe some recent bouts of rule-breaking. What logical (related, reasonable, respectful) consequences do you think would best address each situation? Share your ideas in the comments!  

Over the next several weeks we’ll be sharing three types of consequences that make sense, are easy to implement, and most importantly will really help your children learn the value of making a better decision next time! Natural consequences Many consequences, or results, for misbehaviors like disrespect or irresponsibility occur naturally, without the intervention of an adult. These are called “natural consequences.”For example, if a child has a messy room, she may not be able to find her shoes in the morning before school. If a child hits his brother, he may feel “icky” inside. If a child tells a lie, people won’t be as likely to trust him. By helping my children to understand and experience these natural consequences, I help them learn about the true causes and effects that will follow them into life beyond the walls of our home. Helping children learn from natural consequences requires two important ingredients: 1. Avoid protecting children from natural consequences. It can be tempting to rush in and “help” my children solve their relational problems or smooth over their missing homework assignments. But if I protect them now, I keep them from learning and preparing for greater challenges later on. It can be difficult to watch them struggle with problems I could easily fix, but natural consequences are powerful learning tools because they help children learn that their problems are theirs, not mine. 2. Facilitate awareness and understanding of natural consequences and rewards. Children can only learn from a natural consequence if they learn to stop to think about it and form practical conclusions. Parents facilitate this process by helping children learn to pay attention to their feelings and be internally motivated to change. For example, at age seven our son Noah was frustrated that he didn’t have the money to buy Legos. He whined and begged for me to buy him some. I started to lecture him about whining when I remembered this principle about facilitating awareness of natural consequences. I stopped and empathized: “I know it’s frustrating when you can’t get what you want.” I then used the opportunity to teach. “Your frustration is the natural consequence of spending your allowance too fast. I’ll bet next time you’ll work harder to save.” As an adult, I rarely have other adults give me consequences for my bad behavior. Instead, I tend to feel frustrated, sad, or remorseful when I’ve “misbehaved,” and my awareness of these natural consequences helps motivate me to change. For my children to gain that awareness, I must learn to let them experience the natural consequences of their mistakes so they can learn more effectively. If I do this well, I’ll need to impose consequences far less frequently, and my children will be much better prepared for their future lives.

A while ago we did a radio interview with our kids on the topic of sex. This is such an important topic, and one that often many parents are bashful or hesitant about addressing. Give it a listen!

Sometimes we humans seem to act unpredictably or irrationally. But every action has a purpose, rooted in an underlying or “core” belief. Our core beliefs are what guide our behavior. The way core beliefs are formed is complex. Our environment, the media, our peers, and mostly the homes we grew up in are the major contributors to the things we believe about ourselves and others. Most of us don’t spend much time thinking about this, but the beliefs are there regardless, and contribute greatly to much of our behavior. Core beliefs deeply affect our parenting. For example, if conflict was treated as a problem and swept under the rug in the home I grew up in, then I will likely feel very anxious about conflict and will work hard to avoid it or put a quick stop to it in my children. My core belief may be, “People should be nice and not have conflicts.” What "tapes" do you play in your head? The funny thing about core beliefs is that they become almost imperceptible repeating “tapes” that play over and over again in our minds. When we learn to say them out loud they sound almost ridiculous. But they hold power over us until we can replace them with new “tapes” or phrases that grow from truth. Read more about core beliefs in our book, How to Grow a Connected Family. An important key to maturing in life and faith is to examine our core beliefs and consider which ones are true and helpful and which ones are not. As we do this we can invite God to keep transforming our beliefs to align with truth. We can learn to live by the new truth phrases and not the old false beliefs. Below is a list of six common unhelpful and even untrue messages many of us grew up with that have become core beliefs in many parents: You’re most loved when you behave well. The way things look is what matters. Parents are responsible for their children’s behavior. God’s blessings make life work smoothly. Women are here to serve men. Kids should obey the first time, every time. Below is a list of truth phrases and corresponding Bible verses that we’ve seen help parents replace their unhelpful, untrue core beliefs with helpful and true ones. Bookmark this page, or print and post this list where it can serve as a frequent reminder of your value as God’s beloved child. Then join Lynne and I in the ongoing work to let God replace our faulty thinking with his truth! 6 Scriptural Truths to Combat the Lies Click here for a printer-friendly, downloadable PDF version of this list! 1. Each family member is beloved and treasured by God, despite failings or imperfections. Romans 8:1 & 37-39,  Ephesians 2:4-5,  1 Thessalonians 3:12, Ephesians 3:16-19 2. What matters is what’s real, the things rooted in faith and love, not pretense. Galatians 5:6, Psalm 51:6, Luke 11:39 3. My children are responsible for their own behavior.  I am responsible for my behavior. (The fruit of the Spirit is self­-control, not control of others!) Matthew 16:27, Romans 14:4, Galatians 5:22-23, Galatians 6:7 4. God is present and working even in our worst situations and will guide and counsel us. Psalm 73:21-25, Isaiah 43:1-5, Philippians 1:6 & 2:13, 1 Corinthians 3:6-7 5. Women are first and foremost disciples - partners with men to serve God’s purposes. Luke 10:42, Phil 4:3, Genesis 1:27 6. Learning obedience is a process - for us and our kids! (When we are first-time-every-time obedient to God, our children will gradually learn to do the same.) Ephesians 6:4, Phil 4:9 (modeling obedience), Colossians 3:20-21