Señoras del Leño

A couple weeks ago, I had a kind-of-once-was-a friend over for the evening. She’d been having a rough go of things lately and I wanted to show her a fun night away from all the stresses and craziness of life. Seems easy enough, right? The problem was, every two minutes she was bringing up something that was driving her nuts. She ranted and whined about her sister, and her mom, and her best friend, and the guy she was crushing on, and the guy she was crushing on, and a couple different co-workers, and her sister again, and some old woman at her church who just thought she was so this or that or aaaggghhhh. And nothing she was raging about was anything that was any of my business. And it wasn’t any of her business either. Looking at her from the outside it was so easy to see why she was so miserable. I wanted to take her by the shoulders and scream, “get your nose out of the places it doesn’t belong! You’ll be so much happier!” Instead I finally and politely said, “don’t you think that you might be a little less annoyed with everyone if you worried about you and not about the things that really have nothing to do with you?” Ummm… yeah. That night I learned that people who have their noses completely buried in other people’s businesses, don’t like it very much when people like me tell them to pull out. She looked at me in disbelief, then burst out, “and this is coming from a guy who likes other guys.” Okay, I lied. That was the G-Rated version of what she blurted. Maybe I’m a jerk, but I saw no point in carrying on the evening, so I invited her to use the door after that. I’m sure she’s telling others about that half-gay heathen that bla bla bla right about now. Haha. Anyway, the next day I sat down and I wrote this list. Half of it, at least, came from my conversations with her that night. The other half came from either things I've caught myself doing, or that have annoyed me in the past. 20 Things That Ain’t None of Your Business 1) Get your nose out of other people's food choices. I know. I know. You are the guru of healthy eating. You've studied the latest studies which prove a diet of pure chicken feet makes you lose weight. I know you are strong. And healthy. And that you never give into temptation. But sometimes I do. For some reason, the harder I try to get healthy, the more people think they have a say in what I put into my body. When I was fat, nobody said a dang thing. Go figure. When it might be your business: You may officially question what I put into my body the day you see me start eating pickled pigs feet or mushrooms. I'm telling you right now, that's when I'll know I can't be trusted to make my own food choices. 2) Get your nose out of other people’s wallets. I know it is really hard to not care how much other people make. We all like to compare our own income to everyone else’s for some reason, and it isn’t healthy. Nobody’s worth is tied to money, even though we all think it is, so let’s stop trying to assign value to it. When it might be your business: Feel free to care (very much) if your six year old walks in with a fat wad of big bills. You also have my permission to stuff singles down my undies and ask me how much I’ve made off you so far. 3) Get your nose out of other people's crushes. We all want love. Hell, we all need it. Of all the human needs, it ranks right up there with hamburgers and M&Ms. But don’t think for even one minute that you’re allowed to tell me who I can and can’t develop crushes on. I know we all think we’re the masters of human interaction, and that we can simply look at any person and know whether they’re right or wrong for each other. But we’re not. And we can’t. When it might be your business: The day I develop a crush on a first cousin, on someone more than triple my age, or on a socket wrench, you have my permission to make my "crush business" your business. 4) Get your nose out of other people's sex lives.

On the SDL Facebook Page, I posted the following question: "knowing that I might use it in a blog post, what is the deepest or coolest thought about life that you've ever thought?" I was hoping for lots of original thoughts (of which I got several), but you also responded with some that I've heard before yet are poignant or cool enough to share as well. Anyway, here is the second half of my favorites from your list! Don't be afraid of the rough road that leads to the golden bridge, it is WELL worth it! What other people think of you is none of your business. Stop taking life so seriously. You'll never make it out alive. We choose what thoughts hold us back, what thoughts hold us in the past, and what thoughts move us forward. I would be friends with my kids even if we weren't family. They are really cool individuals. I can't solve illogical problems with logic. Every choice we make has the possibility of changing our path in life... Sometimes small, sometimes epic. So that traffic jam you get stuck in may be God's way of putting an obstacle in your way to slow you down. Take life in stride and take a walk out of your routine...You never know what you might find or who you might meet. Attitude is truly everything. The people who see the world with a good attitude are the only ones who are happy. If you put a slinky on an escalator, will it go forever? God loves me exactly the same as everyone else. I have often wondered if different people see colors differently. Like what is red to me and what is red to you is visually different and we only know it is called red because that is what we were taught. I'm being honest when I say I feel that everyone would love themselves just a bit more if we could all know ourselves as a baby. Hold ourselves as we cry, calm ourselves when we're cranky, and even change one of our own diapers. It would just give us all a healthy dose of humility. I have learned that we should promote what we love instead of bashing what we hate. You get a lot farther that way and it feels better too. CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE The coolest thing, to me, is that I grew a person. A PERSON!! It amazes me everyday that I look at him and think that I gave the world something...and he changes my world everyday. It's okay to dream, but not to forget that every day of your life IS your life. Life won't start when I buy my first house or have my first baby...it started 24 years ago and every single day makes up my life story not just the big accomplishments that I will achieve. We each have the power to change a life if not multiple lives in our lifetime and how sad it would be to die without doing so. I had gastric bypass almost a year ago and have lost 220 lbs. This is great for health reasons, but the one thing I still stand by and stress is, beauty isn't found with thin, it's found within. My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and only one of us is getting out of it alive. Till death do we part. I exist. Just thinking that nearly brings me to tears all the time. The world is so beautiful. Every time that my path crosses another's, I make a difference in the world. The difference that I make--positive or negative--is up to me. People say if life gives you lemons make lemonade, but it's doubtful life will give you lemons, water, and sugar at the same time. So I just learned to like lemons. In the first 30 days of my son's life, when I was locked up at home with him, no venturing out, and few visitors, it occurred to me that his ENTIRE existence--every single, solitary moment--was wrapped up in MY heart and MY head; and that if I had ceased to exist in the next instant, his entire story up to that point would be gone with me. It was moving and powerful for me. Everyone was someone's child. Don't believe everything you think. Life is one long transaction in which you're trading your youth for wisdom. Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing PS.

Hey everyone, just a heads up. I will be working heavily on my upcoming book for the next little while, both writing it and working toward getting a publishing deal. Cross your fingers for me. It is a book of memoirs and life lessons, which will have you rolling on the floor laughing so hard you question your own continence. And you won't see it for some time (publishing is a long process). That being said, writing those memoirs takes a certain part of my brain that is used to write narratives, and I'm finding that when I've used it up for the day trying to create the funniest, most thoughtful stuff I've ever written, I don't have a lot left in me for blogging. That being said, there's another part of my brain that isn't being tapped, and it's the "list writing" side of my brain. Writing funny or thoughtful lists uses a totally different part of my creative brain, and I have plenty of that left over for the blog. This is all to say that over the next while, you'll probably see a lot more list-type posts than usual here on Single Dad Laughing and a few less of the narrative style that you've all come to know. You know, in case you wonder why I'm suddenly changing my tune. That's all. As you were. Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

Last week, Noah and I walked to the coffee shop for some hot cocoa. We do it at least twice a month. We picked a table and waited for them to bring us our chocolaty goodness. At the table next to us was a young couple. They couldn’t have been older than early twenties. The girl was all bundled up. Hat, scarf, thick coat, gloves. She was leaned-in close to him with an angry look on her face. The guy had draped his stay-warms across the table and was also leaning in. I couldn’t see her hand, but he was sporting a gold band signifying that they were married. They both took turns looking down and then looking at each other (though never at the same time). Neither of them were happy about whatever it was they were talking about. After a few minutes our cocoa arrived and we began sipping it as we slipped further and further into sugary bliss. I could sense the conversation happening next to us getting more heated. Eventually instead of just muddled whispers, the occasional phrase was said a little just a little too loud. I wasn’t trying to listen in, but it was hard not to. Mumble mumble mumble mumble “yes I would!” Mumble mumble mumble mumble “it was not that bad!” Mumble mumble mumble mumble “we both got so tired of all the crap last time.” Mumble mumble mumble mumble “you say that now!” Mumble mumble mumble mumble “and what happens when you start spending more time with him than with me?” Mumble mumble mumble mumble “and what about when your mom stays over?” Mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble. I thought we were hearing the side scraps of some epic drama that involved intrigue, jealousy, lover’s scorn, insecurity, and who knows what else. I always loved me a good real life soap opera, and I may have started eavesdropping more than I should have. Noah was content coloring. Then out of nowhere, the guy started furiously putting on his coat and gloves and much too loudly said, “fine, you can get the stupid dog. Let’s go.” It took everything I had not to bust out laughing. Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing PS. This blog post has also been recorded as a podcast. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Time for some parenting 101. Today let’s talk about giving our kids choices and learning how to never say no. How often do you struggle as a parent to get your kid to do what you want them to do? How often does your little one scream, “NO!” And how often are you left scratching your head over how to handle it? The answer is choices. Don’t ever say okay when they say “no” to you. Find a way to offer them a choice. Every time. And don’t ever say no when they ask for something they can’t have. Find a way to say yes. Every time. Let me demonstrate just how easy parenting can be. Dad: Noah, how about egg burritos for breakfast this morning? Noah: Dad, I hate egg burritos! Dad: Would you rather have an egg burrito or a poop sandwich? I’m happy to make either. Noah: Grrrr. Egg burrito. Dad: You promise you’ll eat it? Because I kind of would rather have poop sandwiches for breakfast now that I think about it. Noah: I’ll eat it, I promise! Dad: Okay, you want an egg burrito, you’ve got it. See how easy parenting can be? Here are some more examples. Noah: Dad, can I pleeeeeeaaasssee have this toy? Dad: You bet! As soon as you reach down in your pocket and magically find twenty dollars, it’s all yours. Noah: Dad! I don’t have twenty dollars, where would I get twenty dollars? Dad: Don’t ask me, that’s why it’s called magic. You never know unless you reach in your pocket and look. Noah: [reaches in his pocket]. Nope, nothing. Dad: Bummer. Well, if you ever do find your magic $20, let me know and we’ll run right back here for your toy. Noah: Dad, do we have to clean the house before we can play a game? Dad: No, we don’t have to. Noah: So we can just play the game? Dad: We don’t have to clean the house first. Noah: So we can just play the game then? Dad: If you don’t want to clean the house first then we can find something else to do before we play the game. Noah: Grrrr. Like what? Dad: I don’t know, we could leave the house dirty and instead we could lie on the bed for three hours and I get to hold you like my teddy bear while I take a nap. It will take a lot longer, but I like holding you like my teddy bear. So I’d be okay with that. Noah: Three hours? Dad: Maybe four. Noah: Oh fine, let’s clean the house and play the game. Dad: Okay, if that's what you want. CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE Dad: What kind of fruit should we get today? We’ve gotta get some yummy fruit. Noah: I don’t want fruit. I want something yummy like Oreos. Dad: Mmmmmm. Oreos are really good. Noah: Can we get them? Dad: Sure. We can get one pack of Oreos or one bag of fruit. It’s your choice. Noah: OREOS! Dad: Okay, but you didn’t hear the whole thing. If you choose Oreos there’s some stuff you have to do before you can eat them. Noah: Like what? Dad: You have to clean my car, vacuum the house, sweep the kitchen, wipe down the bathroom, clean your room, make your bed, help me fold the laundry, put away the laundry, watch a boring grown-up show with me, climb that mountain over there, walk another four miles to counter-balance the extra calories, stand on your head for five minutes, aaaaaannnnnd you’ve gotta take a nap first. Noah: I have to do all that if I choose Oreos? Dad: Yeah. But it’s your choice. I don’t care what you choose. Noah: What if I choose fruit, do I have to do all that? Dad: No, you just have to make your bed and you can eat some fruit. Noah: Do I have to take a nap if we get fruit? Dad: Nope. Noah: Grrrr… Fine. Let’s just get pears then. Dad: Are you sure? Because I’m happy to get you Oreos if you’ll do all that stuff. Noah: I don’t want Oreos. Dad: Okay, pears it is. But you have to make your bed before you can eat a pear. Noah: Dad, making your bed is easy. Dad: Okay, just know that I will not let you have a pear until you make your bed. Noah: I know, Dad! I’ll make my bed right when we get home! Dad: Okay. Are you sure that’s what you want to do? Noah: YES!!! Geez, Dad! Haha.

I want you each to answer one question as honestly as you can. When life gets overwhelming, and you really need a recharge, do you get recharged by spending time alone, or do you get recharged by spending time with others? I have given a lot of advice to others over the years. I’ve received a lot of advice, too. Sometimes it’s on the money, and other times it bounces off the receiver as if it’s the worst idea ever.  I was talking to a dear friend a little while back who was heart broken. Over me. In truth, I was heartbroken over her, as well. We had experienced a whirlwind romance that ultimately couldn’t work for all sorts of reasons, and I had broken it off. This person is someone whose friendship I care very much about, and I really didn’t want to lose that. I know lots of single people who think keeping good, working friendships with someone we’ve been romantically involved with is impossible in the long term. I don’t think so. I think making it work means both people find a way to completely detach from the relationship and be authentically happy for the other when they find love or the beginnings of love again. Easier said than done, sometimes, I know. I also know that an ongoing friendship will always fail when only one person still has feelings for the other. And so seemed might be the case with this woman. She was responding to the demise of our relationship by retreating into solitude, not wanting to spend any time with anyone. I responded by jumping into the dating world again and moving on. She knew it was happening, which frustrated her greatly. If I could so easily jump back into dating, surely that means I was never sincere. Surely that means I never meant any of the things I said to her. Surely that means I had ulterior motives and was not heartbroken at all. I was frustrated with her. Surely her retreat meant that she wasn’t trying to let go of me, and she was going to be attached to me forever, and that eventually I’d have to cut it off completely. “You need to get out and go on some dates or you’ll never get over us and friendship will be impossible!” I told her. She immediately rejected the idea. “I don’t want to go on dates. I don’t want to be with anyone right now. I want to be alone!” We got more and more frustrated with each other as our conversation went on. She wanted me to feel the heartbreak enough to cut myself off from the world. I wanted her to let go of the heartbreak and get back out there again. Both of us felt that “our way” was the right way to respond. Once more I pressed her to get out and go on some dates. Once more she rejected the idea, as if it was insulting to everything natural. We went back and forth so many times. And that’s when it hit me. I had fallen into the trap of judging an introvert on an extrovert’s way of thinking, and she was judging an extrovert on an introvert’s way of thinking. She pushed people out of her life so that she could deal with things in private. I brought more people into my life so that I could focus on others and move on. CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE. And there is nothing wrong with either person’s way of dealing with it. Research has shown that the population is pretty evenly spread between introverts and extroverts, and the test of whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert is pretty simple. When life gets overwhelming, and you really need a recharge, do you get recharged by spending time alone, or do you get recharged by spending time with others? If you get recharged by spending time alone, you’re an introvert. If you get recharged by spending time with others, you’re an extrovert. Of course, there’s much more to the science than that. For example, most introverts have moments of extroversion, and visa versa. But the basis of it is what really matters. We live in a world where we don’t understand each other. Especially the introverts. For the most part, we all get extroverts.

Today, let's just laugh. It's Monday. We all need a reason. I never have awesome jokes. People say, "tell me a joke," and my mind always goes blank. I'm a wit man. I like to make humor on the fly. So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha. So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren't as "free spirited" as someone like me can skip them if you like. Or skip straight to them. Whatever floats your boat. BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER. Why was the ocean embarrassed? 'Cause all the fish could see it's bottom! How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? TEN-TICKLES! How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it. Man walks into a Dr.'s office with a duck on his head. Dr. says, "May I help you?" Duck says, "Yeah - get this guy off my butt!" Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing! What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?? A stick! Did you hear about the movie "Constipation"? ... It never came out... If someone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, and someone who speaks 2 languages is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks 1 language? ... American! A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the cops show up and ask him what happened he replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast." 3 strings walk into a bar. First one orders a drink. Bartender says we don't serve your kind in here. So the second string ties itself into a bow and proceeds to order a drink. Nope, says the bartender, you're a string. Third string ties itself into a knot and frays each end. Orders a drink. Bartender eyes the string up and down and says, aren't you a string? And the string says, frayed knot! Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left side of his body in an accident? ... don't worry.....he's all right now. Where do generals keep their armies? In their sleevies! Never trust an atom. They make everything up. Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because someone told him to get a long little doggie. Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. Why did the snail paint an "s" on his car? So that when he drove down the street, his friends would say, "look at that s- car go!" How do you say Constipated in German? Farfrompoopin. What did the black bug say as it slid down the zebras back? No you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't. What's brown and sits in the Forrest? Winnie's pooh. What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his tea-pee! What are the similarities between a plum and an elephant? They are both purple except the elephant. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, I think I've lost an electron. The other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I'm positive. One snake says to the other snake, are we poisonous? The other replies, I don't know why do you ask?, the first snake replies because I just bit my lip! What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly. What did the snail say as he was riding the turtle? Answer: WEEEE! Why don't oysters share their pearls? They're shellfish!! What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? "Supplies!" My dad's joke was "you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln." (person is confused since his name was Jim.) He then responds, "We'll, I wasn't named before him!" CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE. Why did Simba's dad die? Because he didn't Mufasa. Why do women gain weight after they get married? .... Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.

A distraught woman calls 911 when she and her husband find themselves, get this, unable to undo her pants to go to the bathroom. The 911 Dispatcher attempts to walk them through a "less than normal" solution. Haha. Ummm... Yeah. My sister Amy and I found this app that records phone calls, and then we started goofing off with it, and then things led to things and I didn't get a post written for today. But, lucky you, you got this gem out of it. A fake call made to each other (not an actual call to 911). The byproduct of our stupidity creativity and ridiculousness awesomeness: If you laughed and want more (hopefully shorter as we get better at it), we would probably oblige because we're crazy like that. Oh, and the amazing husband in the background is our bestie Jeff. He's just about the best ever. Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing PS. If you do want to see more, let us know. Also, what are some other silly ideas for fake 911 calls?

I’ve written about this briefly before, but today I want to dive in a little deeper. I know this post will cause some debate. That’s okay. Talking about things can never be bad. Just please, let’s try to keep it civil. Ever since I started Single Dad Laughing more than two and a half years ago, I have been approached by all sorts of zealots and extremists for various causes. Some of them passionately encouraged me to write in support of their views, others have threatened to destroy my name and blog if I don’t jump onto their bandwagon. The strangest of all of those, to me, are the ones that I really have nothing to do with. Like when a group of extreme breastfeeding mothers threatened to sweep the internet and ruin me to all parent groups everywhere. When I got those messages (some of which were very recent), I laughed. I could just hear it, “boycott Single Dad Laughing because he’s a horrible human being! He refuses to write about the need to breastfeed!” And then I laughed again as I wondered if they even knew that Noah is adopted. That boy hasn’t had a breast in his mouth yet, and hopefully he won’t for another decade. Or three. And then there’s the anti-circumcision group. They’ve made similar threats. In fact, these two groups (who I have my suspicions are often one and the same) have approached me multiple times, sometimes nicely, sometimes horribly, and have by far been the most vocal of all the extremists. They’ve had their eye on my platform, and feel like I owe it to them to use it on their behalf. See, I had my son circumcised. Circumcision was what I grew up with. I never thought twice about it. It’s just what you did. And the truth is, I’d like to write about my experience circumcising Noah. It wasn’t pleasant and it made me take pause and rethink the practice in general. Without getting into too much detail, they didn’t have him completely numbed, and his screams from that day still haunt me. But I can’t write about that. Not honestly. Because, you see, the topic is such a hot one that the anti-circumcision people might take my story and run with it and put me on their list as a notable person in “their camp.” But I’m not in their camp. And I’m not pro-circumcision, either. I simply have a story and perspective that I wish I could share but I’ll never share because I don’t want to deal with the aftermath. I honestly haven’t done enough research to make an honest decision about it, nor do I want to until the time comes (if it ever comes) that I have to look at that choice again. And if that day does come, I don’t even know where to look, if I’m being honest (and please don’t send me content to research, I’ll just toss it). Searching the internet for the truth about circumcision is like searching the internet for the truth about religion. There’s a lot of passionate people on both sides who are flinging a lot of half truths and a lot of mud in each other’s directions. The extremism of it all is enough to sour any new parent, I would think. And so I will tell you all that I simply don’t give a crap about it. One way or the other. I don’t care how much data you show that circumcision is the worst thing on earth. I’ve seen enough to know that the majority of the people who are vocal about it are mothers. They’re not the men who had their foreskins whopped off as children. Sure, there are some, and yes some of them are also vocal about it, and some of them it has affected, and some of them wish they still had every bit of their penis in place, but the vast, vast majority of circumcised men don’t give a crap, just like me. I’m thankful my parents had mine taken off. I also don’t give a crap how much data you show me that circumcision is just fine, almost always undamaging, and how people later in life suffer emotionally and physically if they’re not cut. I just don’t care enough to be extreme myself about something so many people have been so extreme to each other about.

Last week I was at the gym, minding my own business, pretending not to constantly look in the mirror at my huge biceps, when two really, really scrawny younger guys started setting up on a bench press nearby. They were 18 at best. While bench pressing 65 lbs: Guy #1: Seriously dude, it’s so messed up that she’s making us come do this. I don’t want to be like those huge guys. Guy #2: Who? Those guys whose shoulders are so big they’re swallowing their heads? They look like a cross between a turtle and a gorilla. Guy #1: Yeah, I don’t wanna look like them and I don’t know why she wants me to look like them. That’s why I’m keeping my weight low when we work out. Guy #2: Yep, I’m sure that’s the only reason. You and me we’re in serious danger of waking up tomorrow looking like muscle freaks with the way we’re going. They removed five pounds from each side. While bench pressing 55 lbs: Guy #1: It’s not that I don’t want to look good. It’s that I don’t think she should base whether she likes me on how much muscle I have. Guy #2: Look at us man. We both look like starving six year olds on stilts. Maybe she just wants you to not look like you’re imploding. Guy #1: Shut up, man. You know what I’m saying. Guy #2: Just saying. If I was a girl, I wouldn’t want to feel like I was going to crush you if we hugged. Guy #1: What if she said that to you, man? What if she said she wasn’t attracted to you because of how skinny you were? Would you think it was okay? Guy #2: I’d think she was being honest and I’d start going to the gym, and then when I got more muscle I’d tell her where to go and how to get there and get somebody way hotter than her. And, this is the point that I think they saw that I was hovering, listening in because they looked at me and stopped talking about anything except the science of lifting weights. Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing PS. This blog post has also been recorded as a podcast. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

The world is full of awesomeness, and it’s also full of awesome, ummm, how do I put this… *opportunities* to be decent and better human beings. Over the last couple years, I have been keeping a funny list with the intent to write a blog post about all the little rules for basic human decency I come across. Most of these are just observances of people and situations. A few are things I knew I could have done better. Anyways, I finally pulled the list up and realized it was *super* long (the count was 99) so I decided to share it 33 rules at a time so that your eyes don’t permanently glaze over. This is the last of those lists. My Final 33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Being When someone asks you for your honest opinion, give your honest opinion even if it will hurt their feelings. We all need to know that there’s someone who will be honest with us when our outfit looks like it was put together by two-year olds. Don’t fling your boogers out the car window when another car is directly behind you. This may be hard to believe, but nobody likes wiping other people’s boogers off of their cars. Just because people are in service jobs does not mean they’re “below” you. It also doesn’t mean that you can treat them as crappy as you like. It also doesn’t mean you get to be an A-Class Weenie. If someone asks you what restaurant you’d prefer to eat at, don’t say you don’t know or that you don’t care. Tell them because they actually want to know. Same goes for movies to go watch. When a car is trying to get into your lane, let them, even if they are one of the jerks that passes the entire line of cars and sneaks into the front. Being stubborn only slows everyone else down even more. When you’re no longer interested in dating someone that you went out with, tell them instead of ignoring them. They’re adults. They should be able to handle it maturely. If they can’t, then you’ll know you dodged a big bullet. When you use a public toilet, flush it. Use your foot if you don’t want to use your hand. Use the force if you don’t want to use your foot. Just don’t leave your nasty for the next person to deal with. Use the crosswalk if you’re a pedestrian. Don’t stand or walk in the middle of busy streets or intersections and expect drivers to trust that you know what you’re doing. When you and the car opposite you both try and move to the middle lane at the same time, laugh about it. Don’t hock your loogies onto the path that other people will be walking. For realsies guys. Ask the strongest people in your life if they’re okay sometimes. Being strong doesn’t mean that nothing’s ever wrong. If you make a rule for your kid, and you punish your kid when they break that rule, and then you break that rule… give yourself the same punishment right in front of them. If you smoke, don’t make the world your ash tray. Cigarette butts are as ugly as any other litter. When someone in your life is having a bad day, and they’re taking it out on everyone in their path (including you), don’t point it out to them. They already know and they already hate that they’re doing it. And the next day when they try to apologize or make an excuse, simply laugh and say, “I just assumed you had a hedgehog stuck in your undies.” So you smoke. I don’t care. Just don’t make me or my kid pass through your smoke to get into the store. One of these days I’m just going to kick you in the junk and say, “there, now we’ve both done a little damage to each other’s offspring.” When a mother is struggling with multiple kids and groceries, don’t offer to help. Just go help. Moms will almost always tell you no when you offer, but they’ll almost never refuse help that’s just given. CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE When you’re buying groceries, have a conversation with the cashier. Telling them you don’t like how expensive your groceries are does not count as a conversation. When someone’s car breaks down, pull over, get out,

I wrote this short poem in an attempt to explore just how some of our Facebook friend lists got so out of control. Enjoy. Be sure to read both pages. ODE TO FACEBOOK FRIENDS I signed up for Facebook, I didn’t have to think twice. So many were joining this over-sharer’s paradise. Twas two thousand and seven This could be fun, I thought. I can share a few laughs and all the great photos I’ve got. Click here, Facebook said. To find all of your friends! And all the people from high school, and all your old girlfriends. “Woohoo, this is awesome!” I screamed with a smile, as I sent hundreds of friend requests, and I built my profile. It was finally my chance to prove that I am the man, to stack up my friend count, in every way that I can. First by dozens and then hundreds, oh how the number did grow, and it didn’t take long before I was lost in its throes. I became friends with the quarterback from my senior year, and then friends with the prom queen? I grinned ear to ear. And then Sarah Stephens who was always out of my league, along with many others with whom I was always intrigued I added the jocks, they were so cool back then. I added the cheerleaders and the school president. But why stop there? Why not have them all? I added the band geeks and the freaks in the hall. I added the guys who were top of their class. I added the girls who were kind of badass. I added the nerds who played cards after school I added the geeks Who in drama did rule. If you were in student counsel you got a friend request from me. If you were in shop or home ec, you became part of my spree. No, we didn’t really have to know each other at all. We didn’t have to even say hi in the halls. CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE My only requirement was that I knew who you were, and if you accepted my friend request our friendship was sure. But high school was only a small part of the ruse. The Facebook push to be popular kept us all so amused. Grade school to middle school I searched through them all I linked up with every old friend who would answer the call. I even added teachers who I’d had way back when, as if they were part of my life’s overall plan. And cousins. And siblings. I added so many. And parents. And grandparents. And that homeless guy, Vinnie. And let’s not forget all the times I did shirk, as I searched for any person with whom I had worked. I thought way far back to my first job at Wendy’s, and later to that temp girl. What was her name? Cindy? Then to add to my numbers, I began my big search for all of the people that went to my church. And because I was married I looked past our big brawls and one at a time I added all my in-laws. Two hundred. Four hundred. Then double even that. I was finally a baller. I was now a tom cat. And the years went by quick and my list grew to more, and I started to realize… that it was kind of a bore to log onto Facebook and see so much crap about the breakfast you ate and your this and that. When I really don’t know you if we take it down to the gist. And I really don’t care to if we’re both being honest. We didn’t care about each other then. So why pretend we do now? For the sake of a number? No one looks anyhow. And so I hope you’ll forgive me If tomorrow you wake, and we’re no longer besties, you know, the kind that are fake. I’ve decided I want Facebook to be a place where I go, and see the people I care about in my feed as it flows. So don’t go getting your knickers all up in a twist, or try to reach out or raise your fat fist. If you happen to notice, which I doubt that you will Do us both a big favor, And just wave, farewell. Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing LOL. Your comments. Please. PS. This blog post has also been recorded as a podcast. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

I was standing in Costco this morning, checking out their new Adidas super-undies when I overheard two preteen girls standing on the other side of the aisle. "What if she notices?" I heard the first girl say. "She won't notice. I promise. I do it to my mom all the time." The other girl said. "How can you not notice a big coat in the cart? I don't think it will work," the first girl said. "You just shove it in between some cereal or milk or something so she can't see it, then when she's not looking put it on the belt thingie between some big stuff," the second girl said. "Have you ever done something that big?" the first girl asked. "Well, no, but it's the same thing no matter what it is. Moms don't pay attention to what's already in the cart. I promise," the second girl replied. "Oh crap here she comes! What do I do?" the first girl whispered. "Oh give it to me, I'll just do it," the second girl quietly demanded. And that was the last thing I heard. Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing PS. This blog post has also been recorded as a podcast. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Have you ever found yourself unsure in your current relationship? Unsure of where you want to go next, what you want to do, if you should work harder, or maybe just give up. I have. Heck. I've been there with my mail carrier and the girl who beeps our cards at the gym. And I've been to enough therapy and relationship classes that I know all sorts of exercises I can do with my partner to work our way through the communication gaps. One of the most common gaps (for me anyway) is the ability to be completely honest with one another about our own very real needs in the relationship. Usually the conversation goes something like this. "But tell me what you actually need." "I'm fine with this the way it is." "I understand you're fine with it. But is that what you need in your life right now?" "I don't know." Meeting the needs of my partner is important to me. I don't like when I'm with someone and they're selfless. I really don't. I want somebody who gives a lot and expects as much as she gives. There's a word for someone who only gives and never takes. Doormat. And it sucks just as bad to be the doormat as it does to be the person using it. And so, no matter what relationship I'm in, the whole "you need, I need" discussion always eventually comes up. A few weeks ago it came up for me. Discussing it wasn't really going anywhere. It seemed, to me, that the fear of losing me by being honest was outweighing this particular person's personal needs. And then I had this idea. I didn't know if it would work, but I threw it out there and asked her if she'd try it. "Let's play the I want, I need" game I told her. "Okay. How does that work?" "Simple." I said. "You just say something you want, and then you say something you need. And they have to be connected somehow." I don't know why it sounded like a good idea. It just made sense to me right then. She told me to start. I said, "Okay. I want a dog. I need to not have one because I can't give it the love and attention it deserves when I'm single, working, being a dad, and now going to school on top of all that." These games always work best when you start out easy. "Hmmm," she replied. "Okay. I want another glass of wine right now. I need to not have one because I will be driving." You get the idea. Pretty soon, and just as I hoped, the "I want, I needs" got deeper and deeper. Some of them included things like, "I want to be spending more time with you right now. I need to spend more time with my son instead because I've slipped a little in that area lately." Or, "I want to let myself fall in love with you. I need to figure out this other pressing matter before I can let myself do that." We went back and forth for probably an hour. Some of the things were very personal and it took us to a level that we hadn't ever been able to achieve just talking or doing other communication exercises. She was able to tell me some of her very real needs, decide whether they were needs or wants to her, and we were able to discuss if those needs were needs I could help her meet or not. And visa versa. I definitely realized some things that I needed to realize. I wanted to pretend like those things didn't matter. I needed to discuss them openly and honestly. See what I just did there? Haha. Anyway, it's a communication exercise I'd really recommend you try next time you have a hard time getting to the bottom of you and your partner's wants and needs. Worked well for us. Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing PS. How about you? Do you have any favorite communication exercises/games you like to do? Do you ever struggle trying to figure out the needs and wants of your partner? PPS. This blog post has also been recorded as a podcast. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

I’ve done too many lists this week. I felt like writing a narrative today. We’ll pick up the Truth Box next week. Anyway… I nearly died, I think. Or I nearly caused someone else to die. It happened last week. I’m pretty sure some force in the universe is working passive aggressively to kill me off. In the past year I’ve now had three near death experiences. Or maybe some force in the universe is working vigorously to keep me alive since all three of those experiences came largely in part to sheer stupidity. Have I set a dramatic enough tone for you? Don’t worry, this story doesn’t end in bright tunnels of light, strange women coming to take me away, or trips to the E.R. as previous stories have. It simply ends with me, sitting in pain in my car, wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Fifteen minutes earlier I had left to go pick up Noah from his other house. As I approached my car, I thought about running back inside to get a bottle of water. I was really parched. But I was also running behind, so I decided to suffer in my thirst for the next hour. Not that big a deal. I don’t know why I was so dehydrated, but it got worse by the minute. It was going to be a long hour. And then I saw it. The head of a brand new, unopened bottle of water sticking out from underneath my jacket on the seat next to me. HALLELUIAH! Angels began singing. The dismal clouds all went away. Sun burst through the smog that is Utah right now. The snow all melted. Spring came early. Flowers began sprouting. And I anxiously reached over and grabbed the bottle of water from underneath my jacket. My hand almost immediately froze to the bottle. I looked down and tried not to cry. The angels abandoned me in a hurry. The clouds all came back. The sun went away. And the smog went back to its cancer giving ways. The water was frozen. I had grabbed the water the night before and for some reason never opened it. And overnight, when the temperature dropped to ten below frozen dimples, that sucker had frozen. But… Not all the way. CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE I noticed that there were tiny bubbles of water circling around parts of the solid block of ice inside. And right then, even a few drops would have made the angels sing again. I ripped off the lid, tipped the bottle back, and… a drop of ice cold water rolled onto my tongue. Then another. Then another. It was heaven in my mouth. Then, nothing. Grr. I could see more unfrozen water inside, but it was having a hard time getting past the plug of ice that was obnoxiously blocking the mouth of the water bottle. I tipped it a few more times, and nothing came out. In a final attempt, I squeezed the bottle nice and hard to try and force the drops of water through the ice plug and into my mouth. Next thing I knew, I was literally choking. The plug of ice had exploded from the water bottle, straight into the back of my throat, and wedged itself into my wind pipe. But before I talk about choking on a plug of ice, let me paint the driving scene for you. I was on a one-way, one-lane expressway with no shoulder, driving about sixty miles per hour. There were cars in front of me and cars behind me also driving about sixty miles an hour. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t pull over. And there I was with a giant piece of ice lodged dangerously in my trachea. I couldn’t breathe. I literally could not get air in or out. I’ve never choked on anything before, but let me tell you that it is one of the scariest emergencies you’ll ever experience if you do. You only have so much time before your heart stops beating and your brain turns off. And what’s worse is that when you’re panicking, you don’t necessarily think straight. I started waving one arm frantically, willing the ice to come out. It wouldn’t come out. I thought to myself, it’s ice, it’ll melt and I’ll be able to breathe, but I also knew it would never melt fast enough.