The Lefkoe Institute

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/marty_lefkoe_headshots_Blog_053_201_edit_235251x300-150x150.jpg)The question frequently arises: How can I tell the difference between three related phenomena: * the meaning we automatically and unconsc...

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/marty_lefkoe_headshots_Blog_053_201_edit_235251x3002-150x150.jpg)All of you who read my blog posts and who signed up on my website to eliminate a limiting belief are "weird," according to best-selling author and popular blogger Seth Godin. Why would he apply that term to you?  Seth uses the term “weird” to describe anyone who is not “normal,” in other words, people who express their uniqueness and who don’t try to fit in with what “most people” are doing. (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/bigstock_Entrepreneur_Outsider_Or_Just_12972001-300x174.jpg)What makes YOU weird?  Most “normal” people are not interested in personal growth.  You—who are on my mailing list and reading this blog post—are a distinct minority.  Because you want more out of life … because you are willing to spend your time, energy, and money to create a better life for yourself.  Most “normal” people do not have this awareness and commitment. Interestingly enough, many of the people who come to us to help them eliminate beliefs are normal.  Thousands of clients who come to us to get rid of their fear of public speaking only want to get rid of that specific practical problem.  Most of them deny they have any problems at all in their lives other than their public speaking fear.  They have no interest in personal growth.  They are normal. Seth’s newest book, We Are All Weird, makes the point that there are getting to be fewer and fewer “normal” people in the world, in other words, people who aspire to be just like everyone else.  More and more people are beginning to express their unique selves, which are weird to the normal people. We want to hang out in "tribes" And as people get interested in being their authentic selves, they also want to hang out with others who are weird in the same way they are weird, in “tribes” as Seth puts it. So if you are weird because you are interested in living the best life you can possible live, because you are willing to put in the effort to overcome the barriers to having a life that truly works, and because you are unwilling to put up with merely getting by—then, first, I want to acknowledge you for that weirdness.  You are part of a relatively small group of people on this planet. And, second, I would like to support you.  I have created a page on Facebook that over 1,400 of you weirdoes who are devoted to personal transformation already have joined.  I put a link there to my blog posts each week as well as other information that I think would be valuable. I intend to make even more useful material available in the future.  You can post comments and questions there and have other members of your tribe respond. In addition, I have offered to answer any question posted on that site pertaining to personal growth. If you would like to converse with people who have a similar commitment to personal growth, be given information that will contribute to that growth, and have a chance to get your questions answered, please join your fellow tribe members at http://facebook.com/recreateyourlife (http://facebook.com/recreateyourlife). As one of the weirdoes who has committed his life to helping others get rid of the barriers in their lives that keep them from the lives they want to live, I look forward to interacting with you there Please leave your comments and questions about how I can support your personal journey to a life free from unnecessary limitations. If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post. If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to htp://www.recreateyourlife.com/free (http://recreateyourlife.com/free) where you can eliminate one negative belief free. For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings,

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/marty_lefkoe_headshots_Blog_053_201_edit_235251x3002-150x150.jpg)Today (Monday) is a holiday and I’m sitting in my office writing this on my MAC. No one else is around and the phones are pretty quiet.  ...

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/marty_lefkoe_headshots_Blog_053_201_edit_235251x3002-150x150.jpg)Rare is the day when we don’t think that someone’s behavior or emotional reaction makes absolutely no sense at all.  One day it might be a g...

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/marty_lefkoe_headshots_Blog_053_201_edit_235251x3002-150x150.jpg) About two years ago I realized that the failure to make a distinction between reality and how reality occurs to us is the source of many problems in our life. As I’ve learned more about this distinction I’ve written several posts about it, which led to a lot of comments from you. Perhaps the most common questions I’ve received ask:  Both beliefs and occurrings seem to be meaning we give to meaningless events. What is the difference between them?  Why is the difference important. (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/bigstock_Happy_person_in_a_sad_pessimis_6949327-300x264.jpg)In today’s post I’ll answer these questions and explain how our happiness depends on understanding the difference between them. There is a crucial difference between a belief and an occurring Beliefs are the meaning we give (usually) to a series of events. Beliefs are broad generalizations, for example, I am ….  People are …. Life is ….  A belief is a statement about reality that we feel and act is the truth, although it is possible to intellectually disagree with something we believe. Once formed, beliefs continue to exist and affect our behavior, feelings and perceptions forever, unless we are able to eliminate the belief.  We view life through the filter of our beliefs. Our occurrings, on the other hand, are the meaning we give to an event in reality, in other words, how reality occurs to us at a given moment.  Each occurring is a distinct meaning that usually lasts only a short time and then fades away by itself when we stop thinking about the event.  An example of an occurring is your boss asking you a question and it occurring to you as she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t like me, or I’m going to get fired.  That is the meaning you have given to the boss’s question.  In reality all that happened is that she asked you a question.  Contrast that occurring—the meaning you gave to that specific event—to beliefs that act as a filter through which we view all events, such as No one trusts me.  No one likes me.  I can’t keep a job. Why occurrings are so important Usually we don’t distinguish between reality and how reality occurs for us (our occurring), so we think the meaning we give reality IS reality.  Because we think our occurring IS reality, we interact with our occurring, not reality. For example, losing our job is a fact in reality, seeing it as a disaster or a great opportunity are two possible ways the event can occur for you. You can “see” that you no longer have a job.  You can’t “see” that the job loss is a disaster or an opportunity.  If your job loss occurred to you as a disaster, you would try to deal with “a disaster,” instead of with a job loss, which probably would have you feel and behave differently The simple distinction between beliefs and occurrings Can you see that beliefs are broad generalizations that filter your view of all events, while occurrings are “one time” meanings you give to specific events that do not affect the meaning you give to similar events in the future? Your long-held beliefs are NOT occurrings. Occurrings require, by definition, an event, either in your mind or in the world.  An occurring is how an event occurs for you. If there is no event, there is no occurring. Is it now clear that beliefs and occurrings are two totally different phenomena?  There is a relationship between them, however, in that beliefs are the major source of our occurrings.  In other words, how a meaningless event occurs for us is determined mainly by our beliefs.  (Other determining factors can include our mood, physical condition, and stage of development [see almost any of Ken Wilber’s books for details on stages of development]) Change your beliefs and you can change how events show up for you.  For example, if you believe, People are stupid, they will occur for you that way.

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/marty_lefkoe_headshots_Blog_053_201_edit_235251x3001-150x150.jpg)Thanks so much for the many thoughtful responses to my post last week asking you how we can contribute to improving your life. The single...

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/marty_lefkoe_headshots_Blog_053_201_edit_235251x300_thumb2.jpg) I am committed to making the Lefkoe Institute as helpful to you as possible. To that end I’ve created a number of products and services desig...

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/morty-lefkoe-blog-post-photo1-150x150.jpg)NOTE: One of the most frequent questions I get is about what causes a low level of self-confidence and what can be done to improve it.  To answer those questions I...

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/morty-lefkoe-blog-post-photo1-150x150.jpg)The tens of millions of people who are interested in self-improvement have two different but related focuses: financial success and personal growth. People who primarily are interested in financial success seek out products that promise to help them make more money and end up with more wealth. Such people are usually willing to pay more for their courses and webinars than for courses that only improve their emotional well-being. (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/bigstock_Choice_54478601-300x222.jpg)People who primarily are interested in personal growth usually want to change their behavior, such as stop procrastinating, and their emotions, such as stop their anxiety and anger. People for whom this is the goal usually are willing to pay far less for such products. Some of these people, especially those who have a strong spiritual bent, even think that being spiritual precludes them from pursuing money. So although sometimes there is an overlap between these two groups, people tend to have one focus or the other. There is an inextricable connection But even for the people who do pursue both goals, I’m not sure that many people interested in self-improvement are aware that there is an inextricable connection between the two areas of life. Although financial success can be affected by many different factors—including what product or service you are offering, the quality of the offering, to what market, competition, at what price, etc.—one of the most critical factors that is often ignored but that significantly affects your financial success is your mental/emotional state. Because my expertise is on how beliefs affect our lives, I’ll focus on the impact of beliefs, but whether the source of dysfunctional behavior and emotions are beliefs or anything else, the chance of achieving and enjoying financial success in today’s world is slim unless you are able to get rid of your dysfunctional behavior and emotions. Let me explain why. For many years, success in business depended on showing up every day and doing what you were told. If you did it well enough for long enough, you’d usually move up through the organization you worked for and end up with a nice pension. Financial success requires personal growth Today showing up and doing the “right” thing is no longer enough, whether you work for yourself or for others. More and more organizations are looking for creative, innovative, imaginative people who will figure out for themselves what needs to be done instead of waiting to be told. And if you work for yourself, then merely doing what others do, the way others do it, is unlikely to provide significant financial success. Today the world is looking for the intellectually curious, the people who are willing to take risks, who, as Seth Godin puts it, are willing to “poke the box.” If that is what financial success requires in today’s fast-changing world—where what worked yesterday is probably not what is going to work today and certainly won’t be what works tomorrow—than your behavior and emotional state are crucial. Beliefs that hinder financial success What is the chance of you being innovative, taking chances, doing what makes sense to you whether others approve or not, etc. if you have even just a few of the following beliefs? * I’m not good enough. * Mistakes and failure are bad. * If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected. * I’m inadequate. * I’m not important. * What makes me good enough and important is having others think well of me. * I’m not capable. * I’m not competent. * I’m powerless. And that list of self-esteem beliefs doesn’t even include specific beliefs about money, such as: * Money is hard to get. * Money is a struggle. * There’s never enough money. In addition to the beliefs,

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/morty-lefkoe-blog-post-photo1-150x150.jpg)I rarely give advice in my weekly blog post. I focus on the relationship between beliefs/conditioning and having the life you want to have. That is my area of re...

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/morty-lefkoe-blog-post-photo1-150x150.jpg)Every six months I join about one hundred of my friends in the Transformational Leadership Council for four days. We enjoy hanging out together; we learn from each other; we support each other. The days we spend together are among the most important days of my year. At last week’s meeting I discovered a significant barrier in my life. Actually I sort of knew it was there, but last week I saw it in a way I had never seen it before. And now, 26 years after I created The Lefkoe Method that enabled me to eliminate literally hundreds of beliefs and conditionings, I realized there were a bunch more I needed to get rid of. My breakthrough Let me share my breakthrough with you as many of you might personally relate to it. My wife, Shelly, frequently tells me that I don’t say much during conversations with other people. I think I am listening and learning (I figure I learn more when I listen than when I talk), but I realized she is right: I often don’t talk even when I have something worthwhile to contribute. I also sometimes feel uncomfortable even around people I know and have a close relationship with. I hesitate to talk about my work unless I am clearly asked and the person asking shows some real interest. I’ve known all of this, but overall my life works and I’m very happy. Because no one of these issues seemed to be a “problem,” there was nothing I needed to “work on.” Last week I was trying to find what was getting in the way of me successfully completing an exercise. In this type of situation the most frequent barrier is a fear of failure and a wanting to look good in front of others. Those feelings had been a significant barrier for most of my life, but they had finally gotten handled some years ago when I eliminated the beliefs that caused them. The source of my barriers (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/bigstock_Two_Men_Hugging_1676711-300x199.jpg)While interacting with the facilitator of this exercise I started talking about my childhood with the hope that I might find a clue to what was stopping me. I shared that my parents divorced when I was 3 and I saw my dad very little for the next 7-8 years. Then we spent a little time together until I was 15, at which time he told me he was leaving the city we lived in because, he said, “your mother drove me out of town” because she asked for more child support. He said he wasn’t going to tell me where he was going to live and that if I wanted to reach him, I could give a letter (remember “letters”) to my aunt (his sister) who would forward it to him. I didn’t see him for 20 years after that and didn’t hear from him when I graduated high school and college. As I related this story to the facilitator I got very upset and tears were streaming down my face. I realized that I’ve felt I was not wanted or truly accepted by others. I realized that I’ve felt unseen by most people. I realized that I’ve never had a mentor or a partner in business (other than Shelly). I realized that I’ve had a very difficult time being really open with men. The next day I sat down and made a list of beliefs I had that could explain this entire pattern of behavior, the major source of which were interactions with my father. My limiting beliefs and sense I can’t count on people. People don’t want to be around me. People aren’t interested in me and in what I care about. If people get angry with me they will hurt me. The way to survive is to do it all myself, to be totally self-sufficient. I also looked at my sense of myself regarding others and found the following: alone, lonely, heaviness in my chest, on the outside looking in, sad, don’t know how to relate to others, don’t know what to say to others, can’t count on others, an outsider, people don’t want to be around me, uncomfortable around men, afraid of being hurt by others.

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/morty-lefkoe-blog-post-photo1-150x150.jpg)Every week I get a few blog comments and emails asking me to help you identify the beliefs that cause specific problems. Although our training that will teach you how to eliminate beliefs once you’ve found them won’t be available for another couple of months, for those of you who have already figured out how to eliminate beliefs on your own, here are some common patterns and the beliefs that cause them—for most people, most of the time. Some people obviously don’t have all these beliefs and some people have a couple of additional beliefs. (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/bigstock_Fix_It_D_84702461-300x300.jpg) Procrastination: * Mistakes and failure are bad. * I'm not good enough. * Change is difficult. * What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me. * Nothing I do is good enough. * I'm not capable. * I'm not competent. * If I make a mistake or fail I'll be rejected. * I'm a failure. * I’m stupid. * I'm not worthy. * I'm powerless. * What makes me good enough or important is doing things perfectly. * Conditioning: Fear associated with criticism and judgment. * Conditioning: Fear associated with not meeting expectations. * Conditioning: Fear associated with rejection. Fear of rejection: * I'm not good enough. * Change is difficult. * I'm not important. * What makes me good enough/important is having people think well of me. * If I make a mistake or fail I'll be rejected. * I’m not worthy. * Conditioning: Fear associated with criticism and judgment. * Conditioning: Fear associated with not meeting expectations. * Conditioning: Fear associated with rejection. Concern with the approval of others: * Mistakes and failure are bad. * I'm not good enough. * Change is difficult. * I'm not important. * What makes me good enough/important is having people think well of me. * I’m not worthy * If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected. * Conditioning: Fear associated with criticism and judgment. * Conditioning: Fear associated with not meeting expectations. * Conditioning: Fear associated with rejection. Notice that some of the beliefs are the same for all three problems and some are different. We have found that certain basic negative self-esteem beliefs seem to underlie almost any pattern. And then each behavioral or emotional problem has its own unique beliefs. Problems with careers, abundance, and relationships have additional beliefs in those specific areas. You’ll also notice in the above lists that all three patterns include conditioning. As I’ve explained in prior blog posts, most behavioral and emotional problems are caused primarily by beliefs, but in many cases by conditioning also. For example, most people are conditioned to feel some level of anxiety if they are criticized, if they don’t live up to expectations, or if they are rejected. These conditionings have to be de-conditioned before many problems can be totally eliminated. For more information about conditioning, please see http://www.mortylefkoe.com/032310/. For more information about how to identify the beliefs underlying any given problem, see my blog post: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/find-beliefs-underlying/. If there are any other specific topics you would like me to write about, please let me know by leaving a comment below. I’ll do my best to write about any topic that a number of you request. If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free. For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives,

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/morty-lefkoe-blog-post-photo_thumb.jpg) Why do we usually make up a meaning for events that have no inherent meaning? And how does that automatic, unconscious meaning-making process create problems for ...

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/morty-lefkoe-blog-post-photo_thumb.jpg)Have you ever told yourself that you were going to do something—something you really wanted to do—and then just never get around to it? If you are, you are like millions of others and Seth Godin’s new book is about you. I read his newest book, Poke the Box, a few months ago and it’s just the right book for our times. It probably will become his 13th best-seller. You need to take action If you’ve read any of his earlier books or his daily blog (which I devour as soon as it arrives in my inbox), you know that Seth is passionate about innovation and change. And, he stresses repeatedly, if you want to produce something new and change anything, you have to start and you have to “ship,” in other words, create a product or service and then make it available. In other words, get an idea for somethin(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/Photo-for-071211-blog-post-overcome-fear-300x200.jpg)g new that people will find valuable and willing to pay for and then stay with it until it’s ready to ship. But everyone knows that. Do we need another book that repeats that obvious truth? He is talking about business, but the point he is making applies to all of us, all the time, outside of business. Life is about making things happen, not just thinking about what we would like to make happen. The reason we need Seth’s book is that, despite the fact that the need to start and ship (the need to move forward in life) is obvious, most people don’t do it. Seth correctly says that the major reason is fear of failure. We are afraid to make mistakes and to fail. And anytime you are trying something new, something that hasn’t been proven to work before, there is always the possibility of a mistake or failure. Why do we all fear failure? Seth spends most of his latest book encouraging people to overcome this fear and giving them tips on how to do it. I totally agree with Seth that what is needed most in this world is innovation that is turned into products and services and then shipped. I also agree that fear of mistakes and failure is the biggest barrier to people doing this. But I have a slight disagreement about why so many people are afraid. Yes, we do have a reptilian brain where the only thing that counts is our survival. That’s why anything we perceive as threatening our survival will produce the emotion of fear. But what determines what we perceive to be a threat to our survival? If you are a regularly reader of my posts, you won’t be surprised when I say the answer is beliefs. In this case, two specific beliefs. What makes people fear mistakes and failure are two beliefs that most people seem to have: Mistakes and failure are bad and If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected. If you think it is bad to make a mistake or fail and that you will be rejected if you do either of these two things, you will experience fear and, in far too many cases, the fear will inhibit action. The source of the “fear of failure” beliefs Why are these two beliefs so common? Well, let’s take a look at how they were formed. Most parents never take parenting classes on learning how to be an effective parent and most parents bring their own “baggage” with them to the job of parenting. Moreover, most parents have unreasonable expectations for their children. For example, most parents expect toddlers to come when called, sit still, not make too much noise, and do what they are told to do. All of these things are virtually impossible for a toddler. How do parents respond when their expectations are not met? In the best of cases with mild annoyance and frustration—in the worst of cases with physical abuse. The reaction of most parents is in-between these two extremes. Most parents get angry and repeat the phrases that have become clichés in our society: “How many times do I have to tell you?” “Don’t you ever listen?

(http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/marty_lefkoe_headshots_053_2-01_edit_235-150x150.jpg)Most of the time we are only interested in attaining results and we don’t really care about detailed explanations for how we got those results. But som...