Summary: Picture this: Two parents, two kids, and a dog, all happy at the beach. Both kids and one parent play in the water, splashing back and forth as crystal blue waves swell and break against them. The other parent and the dog remain on land, chilling in the sun. Suddenly the dog begins to bark, rushing toward the water. And then… I ran this scenario by ten different people and asked each one what happened next. Without fail, every one of them offered up a tragic finale. The conclusions ranged from mildly disturbing to truly heartbreaking. The thing about my informal experiment was even though the reactions I got didn’t exactly shock me, the fact that I wasn’t shocked bothered me and caused me to investigate. Disappointments and pain will do drive-bys on us a lot in life, and no one is immune. On top of that, sometimes we’ll be subjected to people who seem to specialize in causing trouble, pushing buttons, and general crazymaking. Perhaps you know, love, work with or for someone like this? If so, may The Force be with you. Have you ever been caught off guard by love or joy that caused euphoria so complete it made you fear a string of bad luck wasn’t far behind? Do you ever catch yourself saying things like this when you’re really happy: I don’t want to push my luck? or I’d better quit while I’m ahead? This is a great indicator that reveals our tolerance for happiness. And the fact that those ten responses were unanimous is deep. Imagine going to an amusement park wearing full riot gear and crash padding just to ensure your safety. And let’s say you purchase a hefty insurance policy on the off chance that the fun gets dangerous. How much enjoyment can you really have like that? We know there are no guarantees beyond the obvious—that we will get hurt, we’ll make mistakes, and come up short sometimes—and no amount of padding, insurance, or precaution can protect us from risking our hearts for goodness' sake. To be sure, embracing happiness, love, and joy won’t make us immune to the pain of disappointment; they go one better by increasing our capacity to experience the goodness that these emotions can bring to our lives. And even if you’re still reeling from the latest hit to your heart, what good is it doing you to expect the worst? The other day I called my friend Lena and shared with her how excited I was about a creative project I'd been working on. I told her how the research I’d been doing was finally starting to come together. I told her how eager I’d been to finish what I started on a whim months ago. I admitted it felt great to imagine the work I was doing might help other people in some way. By the time we hung up, she was as psyched as I was and she let me know it. Basking in the glow of our shared excitement, I hung up the phone feeling happy about realizing the potential of all of my hard work. Within seconds, though, my thoughts of awesome slipped behind a storm cloud that washed out every great feeling I had just moments before. I stared at the phone, still warm in its cradle, and wondered whether anybody would really be interested in my work at all. Lena is my friend, I said, immediately dialing down our kind words of great expectation. She loves me and she supports me in whatever I’m working on. That’s what friends do, I told myself. It took all of ten seconds for my excitement to float, take on water, circle the drain, and disappear. Both feelings were real, but they came so quickly, the contrast literally made my head spin as I watched my emotions play out. That’s the funny thing about experiencing joy and happiness: there’s no way to feel fear at the same time. They may vie for center stage, but it’s up to us to choose which one wins out. We’ve been conditioned to expect the worst, to fear, to anticipate trouble, to ensure and insure against accidents, to protect what’s ours. And providing it keeps us out of harm’s way, then some types of caution are necessary.
