Summary: Let’s face it; most people have really crappy jobs. For every jet fighter pilot breaking the sound barrier and blowing up terrorists, you have 100 guys who make minimum wage shoveling horse manure onto a cornfield. That’s why we sit in our cubicle reading comedy articles on the Internet instead of working, and why I’m employed. So, I thank you for having a crappy job so I can have an awesome one. Stop being jealous and get back to work, slacker! But finish the article first, there’s no point in being uncivilized. Another thing people do when trying to avoid the crushing reality of your garbage man existence is to fantasize about the job you’d rather have. What roadkill removal worker wouldn’t dream of being a Jedi Knight? What sewage plant cleaner doesn’t secretly imagine he’s carrying a six shooter instead of a powerwasher, shooting Nazis instead of cleaning up poop? However, here is a list of five jobs that may seem like a barrel full of awesome, but in reality, you’d be better off straddling a desk. 1. The Crew of the Black Pearl (Pirates of the Caribbean franchise) There are many obvious benefits to being a pirate. You get to wear awesome clothes, carry a sword, drink rum, pleasure many, many women, plunder ships, and generally live the glamorous life of an outlaw. Serving on the most awesome pirate ship of all time, the Black Pearl, would seem even more awesome. The Pearl is always at the center of the action, whipping the tar out of Royal Navy, EITC, and Fish People prudes, and is commanded by the most dynamic and cool characters of the Caribbean, like Hector Barbossa, Will Turner, Elizabeth Swann, and of course, Jack Sparrow. That’s “Captain” Jack Sparrow, thank you. Of course, being a real pirate was no picnic. Scurvy, lice, rats, fouled water, sea storms, the constant threat of being hung as criminals, and, of course, the crushing boredom of spending days at sea without anything to do, in cramped quarters with a bunch of other men, probably horny, and even worse, there’s probably limited rum supplies. Serving as a crew member on the Black Pearl would be even worse than your average, real life pirate. For one thing, have you ever, in the course of three movies, seen the Pearl plunder a single ship? They never did when Jack Sparrow was captain. They did attack merchant vessels under Barbossa, but they were forced to hoard it on the Isla de Muerta because they were cursed undead skeleton things. And that brings up another thing: the crew of the Pearl is so incredibly unlucky, if they were to walk into a casino, not only would they lose every doubloon they owned, but the slot machine would fall on their heads at the same time. They most likely would fuse together to form a hybrid Pirate Slot Machine that would totally give out untaxed winnings. Throughout the franchise, the average crewman has been subjected to a ten year curse of the undead, being eaten by cannibal natives and a giant squid, being arrested and hung by the Royal Navy, fighting nightmarish fish people, plunging off the edge of the goddamn world, and having to spend all their time watching the lead characters struggle for control over the ship to decide how best to kill off the crew next. Not to mention a giant voodoo sea goddess with the single WORST case of crabs in the history of man. The crew is put through all these trials, and for what? There is never any materialistic gain for Joe Swabbie, and the one time they do get some treasure, it turns out to be cursed by Aztecs and turns you into a skeleton with shredded clothes and a serious attitude problem. We mean, we’ve heard of “crime doesn’t pay, but this is ridiculous. 2. Police Officer, Gotham P.D. (Batman Begins/The Dark Knight) So, you’ve decided to step on the other side of the thin blue line and join the vaunted ranks of the Gotham Police Department. That’s rather civic minded of you, there’s plenty of reasons to put on the uniform, from a desire to kick some criminal ass, to looking sex[...]
