The Musicks in Japan

Stress management, especially around academic work, differences between expectations of PhD students in Japan and the US, and the culture of academia and stress. Transcript K: So lately I’ve been thinking about stress management and my PhD and how bad I suck at it. C: What could have brought that on? K: (laughs) So, every round of feedback, I just get so stressed out. As soon as I turn it in for review by anybody, it sends me through the roof. And I think that.. I don’t know what it actually – I don’t know what to think. I really, I need to do something to get a handle on it.  It’s just – it can’t go on this way. I can’t do another couple years this way. It’s not tenable.  C: Well, I think it’s – it’s always difficult to be judged if you care about the opinion of the person judging you. K: Yes. C: And you have to care about the opinion. And not only do you have to care about the opinion, you have to do something about it. K: Yes. Maybe that’s part of why I’m so stressed out because I super respect my chair. And I super, super like them. C: Yeah. K: I don’t really know my co-chair, but we’ve talked about it on other episodes where – at least, I think we have. Because I courted my chair before they agreed to be my chair for two years. C: Right. K: And so that created a lot of intimacy between the two of us because I was writing them once every – once or twice every two or three months, and there were some months where I was writing them once a month. And I think when I’m discussing my relationship with my chair, I don’t discuss above and beyond they went for me because under the rules of the university – 1; I’m not in- so, my PhD is in general psychology. And my chair is the head of all of psychology but also is from the school of social psychology. C: Right. K: So just on the strength that they’re from the school of social psychology, they had the right to turn me down. C: Yes. K: There was no expectation that they would take me. So that was one thing that made me feel super honored. The fact that they’re the head of the psychology department means that they don’t have to mentor anyone, and they’re super, super selective. I think they only ever have three at a time. And so… for me to be able to get them, I had to know the month – to the month when I was going to start the formal – so, at my school, there’s pre-courses that you have to take, then there’s the formal dissertation course shell that you have to go in because I’m doing it distance learning. So, I was sending them running updates of when I would be entering the dissertation course shell. So I had to do that, and they told me – and then this is so kooky, and it sounds so romantic. We met in Paris. (laughs) C: Yes, so you’ve met them in person.  K: Yeah. So, we went to – for my school, we had to do residencies, and residencies are basically intensive courses – it’s a conference basically. And I have to attend four conferences to get my PhD. And conference one, residency one, is where I met my chair. And out of everybody there, my chair was the only person I felt could even come close to possibly being my person to be my chair. And then, by fluke, by accident, I had signed up for an advising session with them. And that just felt like kismet to me. Like it was destiny, like it was meant to be. And I asked them during the thing, and I made up my topic on the fly – because they were like “what’s your topic?” Because I’m like “would you be my chair” – “what’s your topic” I made it up on the fly. And they – we stepped outside, and we talked about it. And they were like “okay, here’s an article for you to read, let’s talk about it tomorrow.” And I read the article, we talked about it tomorrow, and they said, “I will agree to consider you.” C: Mhm.

All about our Christmas-in-Japan experience, with talk of our Christmas-in-the-US past. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Christmas and, specifically, our family’s relationship with Christmas. And also my evolution into how American I am versus how Japanese I am. C: So you’re not thinking about my evolution from Chad into Santa Claus? K: (laughs) Which has surprisingly halted. How grey your beard is, I feel like it hasn’t become more grey this – in like 2019 at all. C: Oh you are so on the naughty list. K: It’s just real talk babe. C: You’re getting coal.  K: Real talk C: Keep talking, you’ll get more coal.  K: Real talk, babe. C: (laughs) K: You’ve got these really sturdy, staunch patches of – it’s either blond or red, depending on the season, because you have a seasonal beard. C: I do. ‘tis the season for what color of beard? I don’t know. K: (laughs) Red. It gets red in the winter, blond in the summer. C: It does get red in the winter. K: It’s not that hard, babe. It’s really not. C: It gets red in the winter for Christmas. K: And how would that be more Santa-like? C: Well, if I put green in it, then it’d be red and green. K: What are you saying right now? C: I’m saying in Japan, you know it’s Christmas because things are red and green. K: What are you talking about?  C: I am talking about the way that Japan celebrates Christmas. K: Japan does not celebrate Christmas. C: Exactly. But things K: Well no that’s not true. That’s not true. I just told a big, fat lie. Japan, trip on this.. KFC is Christmas dinner. C: Yes. K: Kentucky Fried Chicken is Christmas dinner in Japan. I think I’ve talked about this before, I’m not sure. But like months in advance, you have to order your KFC Christmas dinner.  C: Yes. K: And that’s like the thing they do on the 25th is they eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. Like how does that become a thing, Japan? That’s what I want to know. What’s going on with that, Japan? C: And go to work. I forget if Christmas is on a holiday this year. K: No. Because they changed emperors, and so the previous emp- in the Heisei era, the 25th was sometimes a holiday for some companies because it was the emperor’s birthday. C: The 23rd was always a holiday. K: Was the emperor’s birthday the 23rd? C: Yeah.  K: I thought it was the 25th. C: Nope. Because when I was managing people, I had somebody ask me – and I think I’ve said this story before, so we might be performing a Christmas miracle and bringing back old stories. K: (laughs) Which is not miraculous for us at all. (laughter) C: They asked if they could have Christmas off. It was August, and they asked if they could have Christmas off or if it was too late, and everybody else in the company had already requested it. I was like no,  K: Nobody requested it at all. C: Everybody’s expecting to work Christmas. Have it off. K: And I work Christmas almost every year unless it falls on a Sunday or Monday, and then I don’t work. And I take the first week of in January. C: Everybody takes the first week of in January, just about. K: Right, but all of my foreign clients are really tripped out by the fact that I’m open on Christmas. And it’s like… this is how the conversation feels because it’s like “Are… you… going to be working… on t he 25th?” and I said “yes, I am, but I don’t expect anybody to come and see me who celebrates Christmas,” and then some people are like “no, I really want to see you before we do Christmas with the family” and I’m like crack on. 

Both of us have been self-employed at various points, and Kisstopher is now permanently self-employed. It brings both benefits and drawbacks. Note: Because of the lag time in recording (for transcription, art, etc.), Chad talks about being a freelance worker even though he now has a full-time job. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about being self-employed. C: It’s a little bit too late. K: (laughs) C: You’re already self-employed. K: I’ve been thinking about the differences of being self-employed in the U.S. compared to Japan and the learning curve. So, in the United States – a little bit of work history for me, which might be totally boring – if you’ve read the Adjustment Guidance website, you already know this history. And if you follow us on twitter you probably already know this history. And, yes, shameless plug, follow us on twitter. Yes, I say it every episode. I do.  C: Because you’re self-employed. K: (laughs)  C: You can do that kind of thing. K: No because I have good agency. C: Oh, okay. K: And self-promotion. And I really enjoy promoting myself. I just do. C: Okay, so you were going to tell a work history story. K: (laughs) Which ties into self-promotion because to be self-employed, I think the number one key factor for being self-employed in either the United States or Japan is the ability to shamelessly self-promote. You have to be shameless in it, I think. C: Yeah, I think so. I think to be successful at it takes luck and resources but also just… keep on doing it. K: Oh, tons of resources. C: Yeah. K: So, I found that starting my business in the United States, I was able to start my business for free, so this is a major difference, and starting my business in Japan took grip. Like, a lot of money. Well, I guess I kind of started it for free as well. If I think of… so the difference between the United States and Japan is when I choose to start in re-investing to level up. I think I had to level up a lot quicker, and by level up I mean have my own office and have certain accoutrements for my clients. I think in the United States, because I focused mostly on children and families, that I was able to go to them a lot longer than I was here in Japan. C: Well, I think growing up, self-employed meant to me that you had your own business.  K: Mhm. C: But now in the gig economy, self-employed often means  K: In the what economy? C: The gig economy. K: What’s a gig economy? I always use gig, but I’m not using it the same way you do. C: It’s like driving for Uber or Lyft or doing things for Task Rabbit or K: Oh so you’re using it like I use it? C: Yeah. K: Like the gig. C: Yeah. K: Like just whatever you do for work. C: Yeah. K: Like a lot of people have side gigs or side jobs. C: Right, so this is being called the gig economy because K: Is it? C: Yes.  K: I didn’t know that. C: You don’t read a lot of economic literature.  K: I don’t read any economic literature. C: I read an enormous amount. I read way too much. Because of my self-employment. K: Okay, so go ahead on. Hit me with it. C: So in the gig economy, self-employed can mean anything from you’re an independent contractor who doesn’t get treated very well to you’re working for Uber, Lyft, or Dash, or Task Rabbit or whatever just doing gigs or finding things off Craigslist or it can mean you have your own business… K: Or you’re a youtuber or C: Yeah. It can mean that you have employees or that you don’t. Or that you have steady income or that you don’t. Self-employed I think now is b

What does it even mean to be an ally? We don’t know, but we have opinions. With surprisingly few digressions, this is a focused conversation about allies, both real and aspirational. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about allyship. C: That ship sinks on a lot of people. K: (laughs) I should not be laughing at that. I am only encouraging you. I am only encouraging you. Oh my gosh. That is so funny. C: You always encourage me. You are an ally in my humor development. K: (laughs) Yes. I am your humor ally. So, the reason I’ve been thinking about allyship is because a lot of things come up in topics with clients. And a lot of times a client will think they’re an ally or somebody on social media will think that they’re my ally or your ally, and you have an interesting take on people who call themselves allies. C: Yeah, I think that it’s like calling yourself not a racist. “I am not a racist.” It’s a defensiveness.  K: Yeah. C: And I think there are other words that some people will view that way, like feminist and things. I don’t view feminists in that way. K: I think feminist is an awesome word. I’m a feminist.  C: Right. So I think there are certain words that are still highly political. Like ally is always going to be political because it is about politics. That you can apply to yourself. And I just don’t feel like ally is one of them.  K: I feel like if you’re an ally, you don’t need to say it. Show it, don’t say it.  C: Right.  K: Although, I forget who – I think it was Courtney Act – okay, so I’m a huge Ru Paul’s Drag Race fan, which you guys already know. I really enjoy drag queens. I support local queens. I don’t just watch Drag Race. I’ve been going to drag shows since, like, whoa, before Drag Race was even a thing. I’ve been going to drag shows since before Ru Paul’s hit song Supermodel had come out, so I really really support the art of drag. Love drag kings, love drag queens. And Courtney Act, like, gosh I want to say maybe a year ago had a really cool, interesting tweet about what an ally does. And they listed the number one thing an ally does is listen.  C: Mhm. K: and I always loved that, and I don’t agree with everything – I don’t agree with all of Shane’s – that’s Courtney’s boy name – political positions, but I do agree with that. That an ally should always start with listening because my lived experience – I find a lot of people want to be my ally without ever hearing what my lived experience is, and so how can you support me if you don’t know what support I need? What support I would actually value? C: Yeah, I think that’s the issue for me in people calling themselves an ally is what’s your purpose in doing that? K: Yeah, what are you on? C: Yeah. Why say that. Because if you tell somebody you’re trying to help and an ally, I see it so often related to disability stuff. That they’re like “I’m an ally, therefore I should get a pass on this behavior that I’m being called out on” or “I’m an ally therefore I don’t have to bother to put in the work to understand things “ or “I’m an ally therefore I should be able to just go and do this thing in your name.”  K: Yeah. And – so, I don’t – so, I’m cisgender, but I want to support all of our trans siblings, and the first time I said that I said I want to support all of our trans brother and sisters, and you corrected me, and I took that correction. And so for me, I think of myself as wanting to use the privilege of being cisgender to raise voices on the gender topic because I have what’s considered “typical” and “socially acceptable” – widely as socially acceptable – gender definition. Like, I identify as she/her, and I have breasts, and I have a vagina, and therefore the whole world understands when I say I’

Groups form in Japan for all kinds of reasons, some good, some bad. We talk about our experience with group identity in Japan. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about groups in Japan. Like expat groups and not even expat groups. There’s tons and tons of social groups in Japan. I feel like – well in Nagoya, Japan. I guess all of Japan. I don’t know. I’m thinking about meetups and meetups are everywhere all over Japan. So meetups is an app – do you know about meetups? C: I know about meetups. It’s actually a website, and they have an app associated with the website. K: Well, I’m calling it an app because Word has decided everything should be called an app, and you know I am a drone for Word. C: Yeah. K: I drone Word. I don’t stan Word. I drone Word. C: Okay. K: And I drone Word because hello, PHD, Word is my life.  C: Yeah, it’s mine too. K: Word, Mendeley, and PowerPoint.  C: Mmm. K: PowerPoint, okay. Okay, digression right out of the gate. I feel like I need to confess this, and why? Why do I need to confess this? Nobody’s going to care. Like, literally no one will care. So, okay, here’s the thing: I think no one’s about to care, well I think no one will care, anyway. I’m completely spacey today. If you cared about this, hit us up on Twitter and let us know. Be like “Kisstopher, yo, we really cared that you drew your diagrams in SPSS” – I mean, no, I didn’t draw them in SPSS. That’s what I’m trying to confess. “That you drew your diagrams in Word instead of SPSS.” No, PowerPoint. Man, get it together. (laughs) If you guys could see Chad’s face right now. I am so scattered because I am so busy, and I think I just need to take a deep breath and gather my thoughts. C: So, and I feel like that is the experience for me of working with PowerPoint. (laughter) C: It’s like I need to do it this way, no wait, the wrong tool, this… K: So yeah, I’m fresh off of working with PowerPoint. And I was rushing because I was like – because all day I’ve been telling you “just let me do one more thing. Just one more thing.” Which is the bane of Chad’s existence is when I tell him “give me ten minutes.” C: Yes. K: So, for years and years, Rasta didn’t know how long ten minutes was because I would – no mater what I wanted, it’s just like “leave me alone until I tell you I’m available” and my language for that is “give me ten minutes.” I’ll be done in ten minutes. C: Yeah, so you were drawing path diagrams, and I feel like if you’re drawing path diagrams, you really should be using either GGPlot which is in R or Graphviz. I know SPSS and AMOS and all of that can draw them, too, but K: Yes. C: But I’m a purist as far as how to draw them, but PowerPoint works in a pinch. K: and I’m in a pinch people. I’m in a pinch. C: But I’m only thinking about groups because you said you were thinking about groups. I was like “finally, we can discuss the group operator, we can discuss the commutation. Like 2:57.” But apparently you want to talk about social groups. K: (laughs) Yes, social groups. And I’m sorry to digress straight out the gate because I have been thinking about social groups, but I have also been thinking about guilt. And so I’m super, super guilty because I feel like I should be doing everything in SPSS but opening up SPSS when I’m working on a Word document just t do a couple of diagrams that go in my appendix, I feel like it is so much simpler to do them in PowerPoint. C: It really is, yes. K: And you sold me on that because I was like “aaaahhh, I’ve got to do this in SPSS” and I really have PHD brain, which is no surprise if you follow us on Twitter. And if you don’t follow us on Twitter, then go follow us on Twitter.

We discuss the state, looking at it from the perspective of foreign residents, of the LBTQIA+ community in Japan, along with our own experiences with those inside and outside the community. Some discussion of sexuality and sexual history. Content Note Discussion of childhood sexual assault Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about the differences and, for me, of being part of the LGBTQIA+ community in the United States versus in the Japan – in “the” Japan, in Japan, not the Japan. C: Well, there’s only one of them. K: Yeah, but it’s made up of 200 islands. C: Yeah? K: Yeah. Japan is made up of 200 islands. C: I didn’t know it was so many. K: Yeah, there’s- okay, now I’m not sure. Oh man, we don’t google stuff on this show so good ahead and – we’re coming out the gate with go ahead fact check me and hit us up on social media, tell us if I’m wrong, I don’t know, but in my reality Japan is made up of 200 islands. C: The people might like something to do. K: (laughs)  C: I know there are a lot of islands. K: Yeah, and I know, you know, our peeps – everybody who is part of the Musick fam, and I consider everyone who listens part of the Musick fam, they do like to send us tweets about things I’ve gotten wrong or things, more often in my reality, you’ve gotten wrong. C: So feel free to send us tweets about things we’ve gotten right, too. K: Yeah, no, we love the positive reinforcement on Twitter, but I’m really super happy with our twitter life. They’re super supportive. Which, check out this, circling back around C: Okay. K: I feel like we have a large following that are part of the LGBTQIA+ community at large. Globally. C: Yeah, I feel like we do. K: So for me the difference – for me, being part of the community was a political act in the United States more so than it’s a political act here in Japan. And I think that has to do with the time of year that it happened. So, in the United States, all of- I didn’t really march, before we decided to move. I think I had stopped marching. I think since you and I got married, I stopped marching, but I used to go- prior to our marriage, I used to go every year to gay pride and live it up in San Francisco. And here in Japan, I don’t do any of that stuff for two reasons: one, the Japanese summer is brutal and I’m sick for 62 days from the beginning of July to the end of August, and I’m just crawling through the days trying to survive because of my lupus and HCP. And because I just don’t feel – and this might be because of the language or what have you, but I just don’t feel like there is an LGBTQIA+ struggle here in Japan. It doesn’t feel like they’re fighting for rights. C: No, it’s definitely because of the language. K: Okay. C: I’ve had coworkers – I had a gay coworker who definitely was part of the struggle for rights. It just takes a different form in Japan. Like, the San Francisco pride parade thing of making a lot of noise – while they happen here, are more about community celebration than political advancement. And I think that’s true now for the pride parades in the U.S. is that often they’re just for community celebration and not aimed at advancing political agendas. K: And that’s where you’re wrong. So, both pride parades in United States and here in Japan are marches for rights. And so they are marches. Like, there’s a parade and celebration connected to the march. And so some people march, and some people just do the parade. And in the United States, they combined the march with the parade, but the march sis a public statement and is very, very political.  C: I knew it was a public statement of “look how many people we are. Look at how much support we have.” K: But it’s

We talk about timekeeping in Japan and Korea (even though we’re bad at the Korean stuff), pensions, and (not) speaking Japanese in public. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the date.  C: Yeah? Like our date? K: (laughs) No, like the date in Japan because I don’t know- some people probably know and some people maybe don’t know – but japan has two different dates. It has the Emperor date, and that’s the era, and then it has the solar calendar date. And so the solar calendar date is January through December and pretty much how we keep track of time in the United States.  C: Yes. K: That’s the solar calendar. And then it has the emperor calendar, and I don’t know how to write Heisei at all. But that’s the previous era. I knew how to read it. And so, I don’t know, it was a trick of my mind making me feel good about my ability to read, and now the Reiwa era that just started, it’s Reiwa 1, I can’t read it. I know what it is, but I can’t read it. It’s not natural to me, and it’s making me feel like the illiterate person I am. C: Mmm. K: Yes, I’m illiterate. I’m just embracing that. I’m illiterate. C: But nobody knew how to read it until they came out and announced how it would be read.  K: Yeah. And I watched the fanfare and all of that, but now everybody- it just like becomes a part of their thing. And I don’t know. The new era, there was so much fanfare, and it was a big deal, I thought it was going to be a year-long thing, and it wasn’t. It only lasted for a month. I- like- so I just feel personally let down by it. C: Yeah. So it was interesting- the issue with introducing a new era, which is supposed to happen when a new emperor ascends the throne K: Yeah. C: Which happened either the end of May or beginning of June. I don’t remember exactly the date. K: Yeah. C: And they announced what the name of who it would be about a month before that. But all of the government forms in Japan have the era names on them for like your birthdays and everything. And so you have to fill that out. So they had to reprint tons and tons of government forms and company forms. K: My phone interestingly enough for like three months had no date. (laughs) C: Mmm. “I don’t know what year it is.” K: Yeah, for three months it just didn’t have a date, and I thought “That’s weird.”  C: Yeah, so for month and day of the month, Japan uses the Common Era system. Which in Japan, it’s called- they have a kanji for it. It means the Western system. K: But isn’t that the solar calendar?  C: Technically, it’s the lunar-solar calendar. K: What do you mean? C: It’s got both the month- it accounts for both the moon and the sun. K: What are you talking about? C: Some cultures use a lunar-solar calendar that doesn’t align perfectly with the- a lunar-solar calendar that doesn’t align with Current Era.  K: I thought that’s the lunar calendar. I thought that the Middle East and China use the lunar calendar. And that Europe, the United States, Canada, Southern Africa, and Australia New Zealand use the solar calendar. C: So China uses a lunar-solar calendar so that the year- one year is the time for revolution around the sun one time. It just doesn’t set New Years at the same time. So it’s slightly shifted. The lunar K: But what about Eid in all of that? C: Yeah. The lunar calendar rotates because they do twelve lunar months, and there are really about thirteen lunar months in every year. So, Eid and Ramadan rotate throughout the year.  K: Yeah. C: So they occur at a different time of- a different season over several years. K: Yeah. I think something that’s really cool in Korea; yo

We talk about getting old. Kisstopher insists that because she’s 50 and Chad is only 44, they’re in different generations. Lots of talk about gray hair, and some about Japanese working and aging culture. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking a about aging because we’re doing this exciting new project called The Writers’ Triangle, which is a new podcast about writing. And it’s me, you, and our son, Rasta. And I feel like they get the benefit of hearing three generations discussing writing whereas you feel like they get two. So, explain and justify how you and I are in the same generation, please, because I am a woman in her fifties. I am a woman of a certain age. And you are a young man barely in his forties. And so, for me, that puts us in different generations. I am almost, like… if you round, now you could round my age to 100. (laughs) C: (laughs) I don’t know what to say to that. Yeah, I could round K: It was stunning. What I just said was stunning. It was so beautiful. It was stunningly beautiful. C: Yes. K: I literally stunned you with the brilliance of my logic. C: You did. K: Exactly. C: If we round your age to 100, we have to round my age to zero because we’re rounding to the nearest hundred. K: Yes.  C: And then we’re like five generations apart. K: So why don’t you feel like you and I are in different generations? I feel like, when it comes to our educational paths and all of that, I don’t know. It feels like- I just feel like I’m in a different generation than you. I really do. C: So when it comes to our educational paths… K: Yeah. C: We met at college.  K: (laughs) But that was not my first go-round. C: It wasn’t mine either.  K: Okay, but I think that was like my third or fourth go-round. I don’t remember exactly which. Listen to the old episodes where we talk about education if you want to know how many times I went to college. But- I can’t think about it right now. Seriously, my mind is going blank. I think I went to college five times, but I’m not sure.  C: Okay, I’m starting to feel more and more like you are a different generation. You just, senility is starting to set in. K: Yes, I do have signs of aging that you don’t have. Although you are way more gray than I am. And I have gray envy. I’m just going to put it out there because you’re almost completely graybeard. And I have a few strands of gray, like my temples aren’t even silver, although I am really happy with the color of my gray. Another reason- ooo, another reason I’m glad I don’t smoke anymore. C: I thought that when you said, “I’m happy with the color of it,” I thought “because they’re silver, not yellow.” K: Yeah, so I’m really happy that my smoking and living in a smoky environment hasn’t stained my gray with nicotine. So I’m really happy with that. And then I don’t even know if that’s true, but I have seen people with like yellow fingers from nicotine and yellow fingernails and yellow teeth. So I just assume that has to stain gray hair as well. C: Well, and you see it on paint on walls in places that people smoked, so. K: Yes, that is so gross. C: So yeah, I would assume that it would stain hair. K: Yeah, me too. And so I’m really really happy. Ooh, the other day, I was watching YouTube. I have one of my favorite YouTube channels, man I wish I could give her a shoutout. I can’t remember the name of the YouTube channel. But she had a hot press- so her flat iron broke, and she got a new flat iron and it discolored her gray. C: Mmm. K: I felt so bad for her because she had really beautiful, silver gray, and she had to end up dying her hair because it turned it yellow. So for all the beautiful ladies rocking their natural gray,

We talk about raising kids in Japan even though we’ve only raised one, about schooling even though we didn’t attend here below the university level, and about various digressions. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about having babies and raising babies in Japan. And educating them and just all things babies. C: Okay, but you know that we’re beyond that right? Rasta’s 25, and I am not going to participate in any having babies project. K: So, but if I did have a baby, we’d be super rich because C: We would be because both of us have been surgically sterilized, so K: Yes. Well, I don’t think of mine as surgical sterilization. I had a hysterectomy. C: It is litera- yes. K: I don’t think of it as surgical sterilization. C: Okay. K: Like, I didn’t have the hysterectomy to be sterilized. C: Right. K: So, you did get surgically sterilized. You had the vasectomy for the purpose of sterilization. C: Yes. K: And I had cancer, so that’s (laughs) completely different motives for having those bits removed. C: Yes. K: You didn’t have really- you had really tiny bits removed because I did watch your vasectomy. C: Right. K: And that made him so nervous. I don’t know why he offered to let me be in the room if it was going to make him nervous. C: Yeah. “Hey do you want to watch? What, you’re saying yes? Now I’m nervous.” K: Yeah because I was like “yes, please, I want to watch surgery.” C: Okay. And that was only under local anesthesia, so I was awake. K: Mmm. Not really. C: I wasn’t lucid, but I was awake. K: You think you were awake. I don’t think you were awake. C: I think I was awake. K: I don’t think you were. C: Okay. K: So, just bam, right out the gate with a digression. So, just straight up, I blame all our digressions on you. I feel like I am laser focused always. C: You are laser focused, and today you are laser focused on having babies. K: (laughs) No. I’m laser focused on when Rasta has babies. The decision to do like… public local school in Japan or international schools in Japan. C: Mmm. K: And here’s the quandary with the international schools: because of my position as a therapist in Nagoya, I have worked with heads of a lot of the international schools, and I’ve worked with a lot of teachers. And here’s the thing, all of the teachers say, “I don’t recommend my school.” C: Mm. That’s tough. K: And that’s like- yeah, so, and even like some people in head positions are like “I don’t recommend my school.” C: Uh-huh. K: So that’s like “whaaat?” And the international schools here cost bank. C: Yes they do. K: They cost grip. C: Yes. K: So I think that’s so weird. So, I don’t personally have any… a couple of the schools, I’ve gone and sat in the classes and stuff, but I don’t have a high… a high view of schools in general. C: Right. K: So we did a hybrid- if you’re a regular listener you already know this- we did a hybrid of public school and homeschooling, and it worked out great for us. C: Public, private, and home, yeah. K: Yeah. C: But Rasta was out of elementary and secondary education by 12, so. K: Yeah because he graduated high school and went into college. C: Right. K: So, for his kids, like… raising a bilingual kid, everybody feels like I’m an expert on that because Rasta is bilingual and bicultural, and I think it looks- he makes it look effortless. It was a lot of blood sweat and tears. C: It was. K: Mostly tears on my part. C: Yeah. K: Mostly sweat on my part. And

Expectations of marriage are quite different between Japan and the United States. Surprisingly different, in ways that make it both easier and harder. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about being married in Japan versus being married in the United States because it feels like a different bag. C: So, you’re saying being the state of married, not getting married. Right? Because getting married in Japan is its own thing that we could do a whole a thing about, but we didn’t get married in Japan.  K: No, we didn’t. C: We were married when we got here. K: Yes. C: But we’ve been married the entire time we’ve been here. K: Yes, we have been. So, I guess part of it is getting married, too, because we know a lot of people that get married in Japan. C: Yeah, we do. K: And it’s so different to me. Like, just being married in Japan versus being married in the United States. Because one being married in the United States, being from California, I get half your stuff, man, just boom. Automatic fifty-fifty. But in Japan, I get nothing. C: See, that’s a misconception about California. You get half the stuff; you get half of the community property. But the community property doesn’t include anything that the people come into the marriage with. K: Right. C: So, anything you had before the marriage is yours regardless of a fifty-fifty, unless you end up mixing it, and there’s where it gets complicated. K: Yeah. But in Japan, it’s really hard to get anything. But also, in Japan, if you wanted to divorce me, I could just say no. C: Mhmm. K: And then you couldn’t divorce me. It’d be really, really hard for you to divorce me.  C: Well, I think that’s what no-fault divorce laws in the U.S. were about.  K: Yeah. It’s to allow people to get divorced really easily, I think. C: Yeah. K: So, for me, I don’t know. Marriage feels less secure in Japan than it did in the United States. I don’t feel protected by being married. But in the United States, I don’t know why, but I felt protected by being married.  C: That’s odd. So, I read a lot about marriage customs in feudal Japan. K: Uh-huh. C: Not like futile, but feudal. K: Yeah. Olden days. C: Yeah. When I was reading the Tale of Genji because I did a class in my undergraduate on Japanese drama. K: Yeah. C: So, I read the Tale of Genji. And marriage was a lot less serious. It wasn’t a formal thing. Like, a guy could have multiple wives because his “wives” were just all the women he was supporting. But those “wives” were under no obligation to have only one husband.  K: So, women could have multiple husbands C: Men could have multiple wives, but it wasn’t really a formally recognized thing.  K: It was just like… all the men giving me money, I call them husband. (laughs) C: And then you know, you’d go and live with the woman’s parents if you wanted to show it was a serious relationship, you’re having kids with them, you’re raising a family with them. K: So, wait. So… just giving money is enough, or does it have to be sex involved? C: I don’t know because it didn’t bring a lot of rights or obligations. K: So, but I think there would have to be sex involved. It can’t just be anybody who gives you money. Anybody who pays your bills. C: Okay, yeah. That’d make it Colorado. I have friends in Colorado who every time I talk to them remind me “we are not married even though we live together and have for thirty years.” Because in Colorado, if you don’t tell people you’re not married, you’re married under common law. K: Yeah.  C: They’re like “we are not married under common law.”

We’ve had a few lawyers now in Japan for a few different things, and they’re not like the TV shows. That’s probably not surprising, but the degree to which TV is wrong is immense. We talk about our experiences with lawyers in Japan, plus our usual digressions. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about Japanese lawyers and the Japanese legal system. C: I love thinking about lawyers, how did you know? K: Well, I’ve just been like kind of reminiscing about our life, and I think something that’s so weird about my life personally, is that something that they don’t tell you about when you’re a foster kid is that sometimes it involves a lot of lawyers. So I’ve had lawyers in my life since I was about 9 years old because that’s when I decided I didn’t want to go back home – that I was just going to stay in my foster home. And I had to get- it was a whole thing. It was a whole thing to stay in the foster system and break away. And then I had lawyers when I emancipated, and then- it was just a series of lawyers throughout my life. I had lawyers after I had Rasta. I had lawyers when I got a divorce, lawyers when we got married, and it just feels like lawyers for days. C: Yes. K: Sort of my life. And if you watch popular television – well, I never watched any Japanese serial television shows, so I don’t know what the Japanese popular television says their lawyers are like, but I know that the news makes it sound like their lawyers are really effective and really go-getters and don’t lose. Like the district attorney never loses kind of thing. C: Well the prosecutors rarely lose. There’s like a 99% conviction rate in Japan. K: Right, but what they don’t tell you is that the police don’t send a case to the prosecutors that they think they won’t win. C: Right, so they do send- there are less people in Japanese jail per capita than the US. The US (prison system) is one of the most populated in the world despite having only like a 60% conviction rate. K: Right, so something that I thought was- that I think is really interesting is the difference between American lawyers and Japanese lawyers. Or the difference of my perception of what lawyers should be. C: Mhmm. K: Because in the United States, you expect to get you- so I don’t know if anybody watched Boston Legal or watches Boston Legal, one of our favorite shows. Or Law and Order, another one of our favorite shows. But it makes it seem like lawyers are really aggressive and they fight hard for your case in the United States. Like Alan Shore, he could do everything from divorce to corporate to contract to criminal. Like, he did everything. And that’s not real. C: Not if you’re charging a thousand dollars an hour. You’re not that desperate. K: Right? And, but wait a minute, that’s all different types of law. C: Right. And there’s only one kind of lawyer in the US – there’s lawyers. Like, some might go on to get an LLM or some other stuff, but they’re still just lawyers. And Japan, there’s three different types of lawyers, and they have entirely different systems. You have the bengoshi, who are the trial lawyers, and they can do- K: So, do bengoshi, do they do criminal and- I don’t think you have to be a bengoshi to be like a divorce lawyer even though sometimes those cases go to court. C: To go to court, you have to be a bengoshi. K: Okay. C: You don’t have to be a bengoshi to handle a divorce, you can be a gyoseishoshi, which is usually translated as “judicial scrivener.” K: Mhmm. C: So they’re paperwork experts, but not trial. K: So is that- so, I personally worked with one lawyer- two lawyers. I personally worked with two lawyers. I had one lawyer that I worked with on a defamation case and our immigration lawyers. C: Well, and we

What does it mean to live your best life? It’s different for each person, and it’s not all, or even mostly, about the money. It’s a matter of perspective. Sometimes life isn’t great, other times it’s pretty wonderful. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about living your best life. I’m like, what does that phrase even mean? To live your best life. C: You want to live my best life or your own? K: See? Right? That’s what I mean because, like… okay, so this is something that I don’t know about you that I’d love to know. And as our listeners know, I love doing fact finding when it comes to you because I want to know everything about you. Did living your best life, that concept, change for you when living in the United States versus from living in Japan? And like… pre-child, post-child. C: Absolutely. K: Yeah, so I think that that’s like… an individual-bound but also culture-bound concept. C: I don’t think it’s just culture-bound. I think it’s time-bound. I think it’s resource-bound. Because when I was living my best life when I was working at McDonald’s, it was very different than living my best life living in Japan and what I’m doing now. K: See, for me, I think of best life as the best life that I could possibly live. But I think sometimes think that living their best life is living someone else’s life, and that always confuses me. Because I work with a lot of clients that are Instagram obsessed, right? C: Right. K: And I look at Instagram, and I happen to personally know a few Instagram influencers, and they’re not actually living what- the life that people think that they’re living.  C: Right. K: But they are living their best life, and they are doing a lot of things like… one of my good Instagram people, and I know we did a podcast about how we’re not doing social media anymore, yes we are back on the ‘gram. And we’ve been back on the ‘gram for a minute. But, anyways. So, getting to know them and seeing all the work that they’re putting in and all the effort that they’re putting in, and it’s always surprising to me that a lot of people think living your best life is not having any work.  C: Mhmm. K: (coughs) Sorry, my throat is so itchy today.  C: So your throat is not living its best life. K: No, my throat is no- actually I think it is because it’s super active and I think, for my throat, its best life is an active life. But it’s not making my chest or lungs happy. C: Okay. K: Yeah. C: So, I think that if you want to say “well the best life possible” that word possible just for me as a math person is so damning. So, the best life possible would be to go buy the winning lotto ticket and then anytime I was feeling a little low K: No, a lot of lottery winners are not happy. They’re not living their best life. C: Yeah, but that’s because they haven’t gone out to buy another winning lottery ticket to fix their money problems.  K: So you’re saying like every day having the winning lottery ticket, then that- C: Just every time you feel like you’re running low on money. K: Oh okay. So you think that if you had endless resources, because money is shorthand for resources for you, for those that don’t know you. C: Yeah. K: Money for you means resources. So you think a best possible life is most amount of resources? C: Yes. In the theoretical sense. K: Okay. C: So what I’m saying is you can’t take the phrase “best possible life” in a theoretical sense. You have to look at it in a practical sense. K: Okay. C: So in a practical sense, it would not be living my best life to go spend all my money on lotto tickets because… I’m almost certainly not going to win, and then I won’t have all t

Expectations about work in Japan are vastly different than those in the United States. We talk about them, about differences, and how our own personal histories affect our work expectations and experiences. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about work expectations in Japan and by lately, I mean since last week. I’ve been thinking about, like, what are the work expectations in Japan of employers and what are the work expectations in Japan of employees. C: I feel like you’re really lucky that you’ve only been thinking about it for a week because the Japanese employees I know are always thinking about work expectations. K: Yes. And so I should say that it crosses my mind from time to time because all of the people who see me, almost all of the people who see me as a therapist, are employed in Japan or employers in Japan. I do have some people who aren’t working, but the majority of people that I work with are actually working. C: At jobs? K: Yeah. (laughs) C: Because I know if they come to you for therapy, they’re working their therapy. K: Oh yes. I’m very much “we’re going to do some work today” kind of therapist. I’m not the kind of therapist- and it’s sad that I’m not the kind of therapist that you can just complain to without wanting to take action steps. I do have clients that I have to explain to them that we’re not compatible because that’s what they see a therapist as, and there are some that want analysis more than therapy. And analysis is where you just do your stream of consciousness talking and the person listening doesn’t say anything and takes notes and sometimes they like, sit behind you or out of view, and you just go in and talk about and find your own truth. And I’m also not that kind of therapist. C: I don’t think that’s sad, I think that’s just a function of the market. That you’re trying to help the people who you can help most, and you don’t believe that that kind of thing is a urgent or as helpful to people as what you do. K: No, I think it is as urgent and as helpful. It’s just not temperament compatible. So I don’t have the temperament for it. And I just really want action steps. I really feel satisfied with action steps, so everybody gets homework, even people who only come to see me for the free consultation, they get homework. So, looking at work expectation for the Japanese government, they actually have no expectations of me as a therapist other than keeping confidentiality. There’s no hours suggestions, there’s nothing.  C: Right. K: So, the Japanese Psychological Association doesn’t have anything suggested hours or any of that, but the American Psychological Association does. And so I find that interestingly enough, there were more work expectations of me in the United States than there are here in Japan.  C: I think the Japanese Psychological Association is more of a… update group to keep people informed. K: Yeah, because they do a lot of conferences, and so does the APA, the JPA does a lot of conferences. They send out a lot of reports and latest research and all of that. I think they’re comparable. I just think that the laws are different. C: I think the APA has a large lobbying component that the JPA doesn’t. K: Yeah, that’s true. So, for me, my work expectations are reduced being in Japan. I don’t have as many expectations of me. And before I was a therapist, I was an English teacher. And I’ve done almost every type of English teaching there is in Japan. So I’ve worked for the conversation schools, eikawa, it’s where I got my English teaching start. And then I worked in a kindergarten, an English language kindergarten that did from like eighteen months up to, I think it was grade three. And then I’ve done dispatch. C: Right. K: And I also worked for a company that did just a

We talk about finding happiness at work, which can mean taking an unconventional view of a conventional job or taking an unconventional job altogether. Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about work happiness and, like, doing what you love, I guess. Or loving your work. What are your thoughts? C: My thoughts are that I love my work. K: (laughs) C: I feel like… K: What do you- like, do you seriously love your work? C: Most of the time, yeah. I mean, most of the time when I’m writing, I love it. K: Okay. C: There are days that I get up and I drag words out of myself, and there are days that I get up and they just flow out of me like a magical rainbow. K: (laughs) C: But, when I look back, and when I read over it, I can’t tell the difference between which day was which. So, I think that the quality of work I produce is the same on most days. K: So, I know that I loved your work because the amount of availability that it gives me. So, just, if you don’t know, Chad’s an author, and I’m a therapist. So, Chad, you also do like editing and other stuff, but mostly you’re an author. C: Right. K: And caretaker of Kisstopher (laughs) C: Yes. So the only thing that’s time sensitive is caretaker for Kisstopher because if you’re like “I need some water” I know that I have about thirty seconds before you perish of thirst. K: Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. You are not fetcher of things for Kisstopher. Just today, I got my own salad. C: Oh my goodness. K: Yes. C: I didn’t even notice you eating a salad, I was so busy writing. K: Thank you. Thank you. So don’t act like you are beck and call because you are not beck and call. C: No. K: You temperamentally sometimes like to pretend that that’s your existence, which I always find interesting because it would drive me just, ugh, just drive me to irritation. I wouldn’t like it at all. Like if you ever expected me to just constantly get up and get you things. But there days that, like, you just ask me and ask me and ask me, so I’m like “okay, if I want something and Chad’s in the other room, today he’s in the mood to go get stuff for me.” C: Yeah. So, sometimes I can be interrupted without any disruption to my workflow. And other times, it’s a disruption to my workflow. But everything that I do aside from things that are time-sensitive for you is not time-sensitive. So, when I edit, I edit so far in advance of the deadlines that I can usually turn things back days early if I wanted to. I don’t because that creates bad expectations on the part of clients. K: Yes, it does. And we’ve worked really, really hard on you understanding that. C: Yes. K: So I’m super, super happy that you don’t turn them in as soon as you’re done. So if you’re an editing client of Chad’s and you give him a deadline, no, you will not get it early. Even- because, here’s the thing with that, is that you are not able to consistently beat a deadline. C: Right. K: There are sometimes that you are like working straight up until the deadline, and we can’t tell until you get the editing job how it’s going to shake out. Because sometimes there have been jobs where you’ve actually- the English translation has been so bad that you had to go back in and read the Japanese to try and figure out what they’re saying in the English. And those are super, super time consuming. C: There have been those, and usually the translation is really bad in that it’s fake. Where the translator didn’t quite know what it meant – it could be one or it could be the other, so they just chose both. K: Yeah. C: Which in academic editing, which is most of what I do, that’s not helpful. You really want to specify one or the other.

Chad and Kisstopher talk about racism and how it has affected them throughout their lives. Chad talks about growing up oblivious to his racist environment and how it’s been being faced with racism as an adult. Kisstopher talks about her experiences growing up and living with racism of different varieties. Content Note Two slurs for white people are used in this episode when Chad describes his childhood experience, and ethnic/racial slurs generally are discussed (but not used). Transcript K: So, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about racism. C: As one does. K: Yes. And, for me, racism is something I think about almost every single day. C: I don’t think about it every single day. K: You don’t think about it every single day? C: There are a lot of days that I don’t think that I think about anything. I just sleep the whole day. K: Okay. (laughs) So, for, just to loop people in that may not have been listening to the whole time, but I don’t think I’ve ever said this on the podcast, what my heritage is. So, I am African American, Native American–specifically Cherokee–Jewish, French, and Dutch.  C: And I am… English and Norwegian and a lot of lies.  K: (laughs) So, for me, when I think of racism, there is- there is not a time in my life when racism wasn’t part of my story. Because one of the, the first things that I ever learned about my mother was that she fled Alabama because she had fallen in love with my brother’s father. We had different fathers. I’m the last of 14 kids. My father- so, I’m the last of 14 for my father. And then my mother had a child with someone else. So, I have a total of 14 siblings because I’m actually the last of a total of 15, but it gets really kind of mixed up when I explain it, so I just shorthand it and say I’m the last of 14, even though I’m the last of 15. C: You have one half-brother from your mother’s side. K: Yes. C: And 14 half-siblings from your father’s side. K: No, I have 13 half-siblings. C: 13, yes, because you’re the last of 14. Got it. K: Yes. So, I don’t count me when I say I’m the last of 14 kids. C: Got it, just like I don’t count me when I say I have 18 siblings of some stripe. K: Correct. So, we both have the same habit, and it can be very confusing. So if you know me in real life and you’ve asked me “from the same mother and father?” I usually say yes. Because I find that question to be offensive and intrusive and none of your damn business. C: Okay? Who was boinking? Who was boinking? K: Yeah, just like, what does it matter? Because I don’t feel any less related to them. C: No K: And I feel like that would discount my relationship with them. So, I have the same relationship with all of my siblings, which is that I don’t talk to them. C: I have that same relationship. K: (laughs) C: I have never met several of mine. K: So, for the first batch of siblings, the main reason you don’t talk to them is because of racism. Circling back, see how we’re doing that. For my siblings, racism isn’t the reason. I just don’t like them. (laughs) C: Uh-huh. K: So, for me, the first story that I heard about- that I can remember hearing about my family growing up was that my mother had fallen in love with my brother’s father. And she lived in Alabama, and her father was a Klansman who was very high up in the Klan. And at the time, this was in the 1960s, in Alabama as a white woman, you could not consent to have sex with a black man. So, her father would have killed him if he had known that my mother and him were seeing each other. And they were young and in love, and so they ran away to California. C: Mhmm. K: And in Calif