Over Divorce – Divorce, breakups and separation recovery podcast

Tom begins the podcast reminding the listener that the welfare of the children is paramount to the state and anyone involved in the dispensation of the assets and the fiscal responsibilities of the divorcing parents. Adrian shares that in his divorce he and his ex broke up their marriage in phases- and that they were both on the same page in terms. Tom reflects on the urge to engage children in the communication process and the problems that causes. Adrian reinforces the difficulties in using children as mediators and how it can cause kids to manipulate the situation to their benefit. Adrian continues by reminding the listener about the problem of leaning on your kids for emotional support. Tom reflects on "manning up" and presenting a stiff upper lip and not allowing the hurt of your break-up to effect the relationship and maintaining continuity. Adrian reminds the listener that kids will use parental reactions as guides for their own behavior and how they might probe for weakness in discipline and consistency. And discusses examples of how his kids try to use the break-up as a means to get toys and other things that they want. Tom references Jim Smoke's Growing Through Divorce's "Disneyland Dad" and reinforces the critical value of ritual and routine. Tom and Adrian discuss the value of communicating through email and re-enforce kids inability to support their parents' emotional well-being. Tom closes with the importance of separating emotional responses from your children and keeping a positive attitude about your relationships with them-regardless of your emotional state relative to your ex. Transcript of the podcast is available here

Tom and Adrian sit with Atlanta family law attorney Louis Tesser. Louis decries the different types of clients and cases he deals with. He then walks us through the "typical divorce" though Louis makes clear that no divorce is typical. It starts with "being served" then information is exchanged form a simple financial statements to interrogatories and depositions. Louis discusses "the scandal of family law" is that it is very expensive. Most people trust the info they get. Louis reinforces that middle class people's finances aren't that complicated. W-2's create more transparency that can make divorce more simple. Tom reinforces the idea that interrogatory process is torturous. The group discuss private investigators. Louis contends that P.I.'s are often honest dispute the tendency to distrust. Louis also points out that many behaviors are not as black and white as they might appear. In Georgia, for example adultery doesn't mean that one who is cheated on does not Adrian observes that even in a "Matlock case" Private Investigators are rarely helpful and Louis suggests that while that may be true, in cases of alcoholism or drug abuse the use of private investigators to uncover behavior dangerous to children may be essential as people with drug and alcohol problems are skilled at hiding their bad behavior Louis discusses the jury trial divorce that exists in Georgia, even though almost all other stated adjudicate solely through judges. Louis explains the typical process for mediation and describes what makes a good mediator. Louis describes the value of certainty, and warned about "fights you don't need to have". Louis reminds prospective divorcees that rarely do thing turn out the way one expects regardless of what is known Tom and louis discuss the apparent 'capriciousness" of court decisions. Louis rebuts that capricious is a bad term as it implies fancy and whim and that judges do have the best interests of all involved. Louis reminds the listener that moral judgements are rarely at the core of judges decisions and that practicality typically drives decisions in marital law. Tom draws a distinction between the divorcing parties being obsessed with the past while judges, juries, mediators, and other officials of the State shared with settling these matters are more concerned with looking forward. Adrian quips about judicial corruption. Louis points out that in his experience corruption is very rare. he does acknowledge that, in rural areas, support for judicial campaigns may have an effect on outcomes but is unlikely to swing decisions, Louis suggests that court experience is a good yard stick of experience for selecting representation. He also suggest avoiding excessive litigation and to match your needs to your situation Louis reminds the litterer that your privileges as a married person are going away. The key is not to extend things out. Louis reminds the listeners to be reasonable in the face of very emotional elements. Adrian points out that emotions become chess pieces in negotiations. Louis closes with the observation that pretty much everyone goes into marriage honestly and that rebound relationships are very risky. Tom proffers a litmus test where a new partner might be assessed by the amount of drama they bring to the divorce. A transcript for this podcast is available here

Holidays are the focus of this OverDivorce Podcast special.  Hosts Tom and Adrian discuss the challenge of the what the media continually tells is "The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year". Even though for most divorced guys it is the toughest. Tom shares tips about travel and the importance of getting in the spirit of the holiday. Adrian shares a very entertaining story about the joys of traveling and sitting next to a person of sizable stature. Tom promised special guests-- and here they are While the Holidays are the toughest time of the year for many divorced people, they don't have to be and some great tips are shared. Tom and Adrian encourage listeners to engage in activities with Friends, Join family, and volunteer when possible. Focusing on the Holidays can actually distract you from potentially depressing thoughts that can make your new situation much worse. Adrian reminds us that especially for most younger kids, having separated parents means more gifts and attention. Tom tells a story about how during his first Holiday season he experienced Dickinsonian parties of Christmas past, present and future. This podcast will help you deal with all the scary propositions of the holiday season and give you some coping tools and some fun stories you can relate to. There's also a gift inside so don't miss it. Download or listen now.

Being Present To Help Survive Your Divorce Presence is the key to fighting regrets and worry and avoiding negative self-talk In this episode Tom and Adrian discuss Ridding ourselves of the internal chatter that drives depression and causes distraction Adrian discusses the effectiveness of reading the book the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Tom explains the the usefulness of Zen Buddhist Koan  in quieting the mind. Adrian raises the issue of the mortality of everything and references "Tuesdays with Morrie"  by Mitch Albom. Tom tells the story of employing a former Navy seal who, in turn, shared learning from his military training regarding the transient nature of all things-- that everything ends- good or bad. And it is in this meditation that one can find a quieting of the agitated mind similar to the intent of Zen Koans. Adrian shares the difficulties and even futility of trying to forecast the future and the benefit of divorce in the form of becoming a more effective emotional warrior. Tom presses the point about vigilance Adrian endorses the Application Headspace  that provides guided meditation. and discusses the blocks (such as skepticism) that prevent trial that need to be overcome. Next, Adrian describes a very simple breathing technique to help with hyper-vigilance. Tom warns of the dangers associated with anger and the vulnerabilities it leads to in communications with your ex. Tom reminds the listener of the dispassionate nature of those involved in deciding how assets and resources are divided and the danger in marginalizing oneself by becoming angry. He advocated presence as a way to control the frustration and anger that comes for the sense of losing control. Adrian reminds the listener how important it is to your children to set an example of emotional control and maintaining a rational state of mind. The transcript for the podcast is here

Taking responsibility during your divorce. Taking responsibility actually helps expedite the healing process as opposed to delaying the recovery with short-term fixes. Tom raises the issue of responsibility for making the decisions and actions right even the decision to divorce. It's a powerful way to take ownership of the decision. Responsibility finds its center with the children. Tom raises the point of the responsibility for self-care. Adrian advises that in one's review of the factors leading to a divorce a person should work to see the factors they contributed to and take responsibility for them. Tom wonders about the destructive nature of blaming oneself for the ending of a relationship and how it might reverse the progress. Responsibility means avoiding a martyr or victim mentality. Work to understand and control what you have over: your own decisions and actions and take ownership and understand them - and let go of the things you don't. "Act or Accept" becomes a key mantra as you work to avoid the stigma of "being divorced" Tom notes that this effect becomes more acute as one gets older. He further discusses the isolation that can sometimes drives people away from social interaction. The social pressure to re-engage while profound, can be limiting in self actualization and it's pressure to belong is rooted in peer group's desire to normalize the life experience of those close to them. Tom discusses the analogy of sales and establishing report with prospects. He notes few prospects care about a sales person's needs. Adrian reinforces the idea that divorce presents opportunity for reinvention and Tom discusses the convenience of re-setting one's diet in the context of making better food choices as a key way to begin to adopt good habits. The message of small-step success is reinforced and Tom shares tips like list-building for using small bits of momentum to avoid disappointment that sabotages and subverts efforts to improve. Adrian discusses the sense of control and confidence that small-step success can bring. The transcript for this podcast is located here

Making Decisions During Your Divorce Adrian and Tom open by discussing control. What kind of action that can be taken in the context? Tom discusses the futility of reason and persuasion. Tom and Adrian agree that expediting the goal of the partner leaving, and move to righting yourself. Tom discusses his decision about selling his home. Adrian shares the story go how his father advises him about making the decision right as opposed to making the right decision. Adrian furthers the tactic as a means of breaking out of the victim role. Tom challenges Adrian's thesis about making the decision right in the context of a bad decision. Adrian counters by reflecting on the "time factor" as it relate to make the decision right. Tom References The Boxer Rebellions song from The Cold Still "Move On". Divorce is a major disruption to a live of habits. There is an option to taken new habits and make better decision .Tom references 'The Decision Book' and Neil Peart with respect to choosing not to make a decision and in doing so still make a choice. He goes on to reflect on things like food and art and life that had been abandoned and need to be re-adopted in order to re-assert their identity. Tom discusses the OK Cupid questions that can strongly predict potential compatibility. Tom discusses the the problem of decision making at work when you question the core decisions you've made regarding Adrian counters by citing The Dr. Paul Dobransky Mind OS by and the value of learning that comes from decisions-- even the most banal decisions can help when times are at their most difficult. Tom and Adrian discuss the value of list building and self-typing in terms of decision processes. Tom reflects on his Astronauts and Marines model of decision making. Two heroic archetypes that make decisions in completely different ways. Tom postulates ways to determine which group you fall into and what your strengths might be depending on your proclivity. Adrian adds that regardless of your decision style it's important to get some insight form an expert to help you getting into the habit of making decisions. Tom reinforces Adrian's point by referencing the importance of building lists and the power of simply adding a task on the list as a means of moving forward--a key theme of the podcast. Transcript of the podcast is here: Decisions During Your Divorce

Escapism While Going Through Your Divorce We discuss the advantages and disadvantages of escapism while going through your divorce. By escapism we mean "The fun Stuff": Beer, Wine, Spirits, tobacco, sex and other distractions. It is easy to go down a negative path when you are facing the challenges of a divorce. This path can lead to a life time of problems and hardship. Tom shares his flirtations with alcohol and Adrian shares is affection for nicotine. The idea of escapes adding to the work and hardship of divorce is explored and the difficulty of quitting vices is identified. We talk about the importance of moderation while trying to find the balance of distracting your self in a positive way when you are going through a divorce. We discuss the great benefits that exercise can have on your mind and body. Exercise has been proven to be more effective than medication to help with depression, something that usually goes hand-in-hand when going through a divorce. We talk about doing yoga and some of the good things that can come out of exploring that. Adrian advocates hiking and Tom discusses the vanity surrounding starting a regime and how to combat the embarrassment of starting to exercise and setting achievable goals. Adrian applies the Japanese manufacturing Kaizen principals to starting a healthy exercise program. The idea of taking small, seemingly insignificant, steps to keep you moving forward during your divorce. We also chat about the benefits of martial arts and how they can help you while going through your divorce. Be sure to check out our divorce recovery guide, it will give you some great advice and techniques to help cope with your divorce. If you want to read a transcript of the "Escapism While Going Through A Divorce" then you can check it out here: Escapism While Going Through Your Divorce  

Over Divorce Podcast Overview Adrian and Tom re-cut the first episode of the podcast in order to be able to provide insight into the upcoming shows.This Podcast is an overview of the show, which is devoted to make the divorce event a growth opportunity. We are here to provide advice and coping skills to men that are going through a divorce. We will be interviewing guests and industry experts to get the best advice and insights into getting over your divorce. The podcast reviews Kubler-Ross's stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are each explored as an anecdotal framework for the stages of divorce recovery. Tom and Adrian discuss the roller-coster of emotions that people grieving divorce go through. We talk about the hell that you go through when getting a divorce. We also discuss the ebbs and flows of mood and antidotes for wide swings in mood. Here are some previews into future episodes: Escapism Decisions Responsibility Presence Kids Friends and Family Legal Matters with Louis Tesser Forgiveness Hope New Love We share some of our hurdles, struggles and what we have learned along the way. Adrian and Tom discuss the failure of rational thought in the face of emotional collapse and the accompanying shock that occurs.The requirement of consensus in the modern marriage is discussed. There is also an appeal to join the community via the bulletin board as well as a review of the 60 in 60 guide available by simply providing an email address. If you like what you have heard on the podcast, please give us a review on iTunes it would really help to get the word out about the podcast. Also make sure that you check out our eBook on coping with divorce, it's free and it might give you some good techniques and tips for getting over your divorce. A Transcript of the podcast is available here