Speculative Grammarian Podcast

Twenty Special Forms of Rhetoric; by Dawn B. Seely; From Volume CXLVII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, March 1993. — Rhetoric has been a topic of academic interest for, approximately, forever. Below are detailed a number of special types of rhetorical argument, some of which, for example, Proof by Impressiveness, have been observed since the time of Aristotle and before. Others, for example, Proof by Intimidation, have been clearly recognized only within the last century. Some of these, for example, Proof by Loudness, have never been explicitly delineated before. The uses of rhetoric are manifold and many explications of such have been made before, which this paper will not repeat. (Read by Peter iVox, Trey Jones, and Joey Whitford.)

Ready! Fire! Aim!—A New Approach to Military Combat Using Language Science; by François Achille Bazaine; From Volume CLVIII, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, March 2010. — One of the aims of any branch of scientific inquiry is to improve the lives of men. Surely the Science of Language is no different, and just as surely the lives of soldiers are among those most in need of improvement. The French military has had a long and varied history, with its share of both victory and defeat. There is as much if not more to be learned from failure as from success, if only one will take the time to understand. After much reading of the writings of my countryman Jean-François Champollion, I have taken it upon myself to apply the principles of Language Science to the goal of the betterment of the French military. (Read by Trey Jones.)

An Introduction to Linguistics in Haiku Form; by Anonymous; From Volume CLIX, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, September 2010. — linguistic theory / hidden representations / to surface structures (Read by Peter iVox.)

Towards a Perfect Definition of the Term “Sign”; by Louis Capet; From Volume I, Number 3 of Better Words and Morphemes, The Journal of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia, May 1991. — Saussure defined the sign as the union of the signifier and the signified. Steinmetz emphasized the importance of the interactional element. Burma-Shave proposed that a sign could only be understood in the context of adjacent signs. Modern linguistics has elaborated the concept of the sign system. (Read by David J. Peterson.)

French Sues English; by SpecGram Wire Services; From Volume CLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2010. — The Académie Française filed a lawsuit today at the European Court of Language Slights in Brussels against the English language, claiming 650 million euros in compensation. The suit against the English language describes “the intentional misappropriation of core elements of French and imitation of its distinctive sound.” The Académie seeks damages and an injunction that, if granted, would prevent English from being spoken until the case has been resolved. (Read by Stephany Dunstan.)

The Linguistics Wars; by Dæriam Landec, Ph.D., l’École de SpecGram, Istanbul; From Volume CLI, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2006. — As is widely known—though not exhaustively covered in the linguistic, academic, or mainstream press—an unfortunate series of events that have become widely known as “The Linguistics Wars” unfolded in Montana in the spring of 2005. Over the course of a few days, several devastating attacks were launched between the Montana Morphemic Militia (or M³)—a group that has been variously described as a linguistic-oriented paramilitary organization and a military-oriented paralinguistic organization—and the Montana field office of the First Earth Battalion (or F.E.B.)—a formerly secret but still active unit of the U.S. Army established in the late 1970s to exploit paranormal and other alternative forms of military intervention. (Read by Trey Jones, Joey Whitford, Bill Spruiell, David J. Peterson, Kristin Franco, Colleen Barry, and Brendan “Schnookywookums” O’Toole.)

The Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part II; by Jʚsɘph Cɑɱpbɛɬɭ; From Volume CLIX, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2010. — Noams: Small, wizened, earth-dwelling mytholingual creatures of Europe and North America. Generators of controversy and vitriolic rhetoric among such detractors as Traskus—Basque-speaking etymological kobolds—who often claim that noams publish “dogmatic”, “half-baked twaddle” on universal mythogrammar, despite the fact that “UM is a huge waste of time.” (Read by Trey Jones.)

The Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part I; by Jʚsɘph Cɑɱpbɛɬɭ; From Volume CLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2010. — Abominable Synonym: A mytholingual creature of Nepal and Tibet that causes speakers within the radius of its effect to pathologically doubt their ability to choose the right word. (Read by Trey Jones.)

Phonological Theory and Language Acquisition; by Notker Balbulus, Monastery of St. Gall; From Volume CXLVIII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, January 1998. — Gildea has argued that modern phonological theorizing suffers from a tendency toward over application of a particular insight. That is, a particular theory is developed to deal with a particular sort of problem, which it handles well. However, the theory's creators, emboldened by their success, and eager to win a Kuhnian victory over their rivals, then start applying the theory willy-nilly to areas for which it is not well-suited. (Read by David J. Peterson.)

Morphemes: A New Threat to Society; by Susan Wishnetsky; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. — This leaflet was produced by the Council On Morpheme Abuse (COMA) to increase public awareness of the most recent health hazards. (Read by Trey Jones.)

How to Do Fieldwork on Proto-Indo-European; by Tim Pulju, Dartmouth College; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010 (Read by David J. Peterson.)

New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!; by Yreka Bakery, Egello College; From Volume CLI, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, April 2006. — An apparently new speech disorder a linguistics department our correspondent visited was affected by has appeared. Those affected our correspondent a local grad student called could hardly understand apparently still speak fluently. (Read by Jouni Filip Maho.)

Subliminal Linguistics; By Trey Jones, at Rice University; From Volume CXLVII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, February 1993. — The new field of subliminal linguistics questions whether or not it is possible that there are clues available to children for language acquisition which are not obvious to those who study the process, and which may occur below the level of conscious recognition, but nonetheless aid language acquisition. (Read by Trey Jones.)

What is Linguistics Good For, Anyway?; An Advice Column by Jonathan “Crazy Ivan” van der Meer; From Volume CLV, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, February 2009. — The most commonly asked question of a linguist, when one’s secret is revealed, is (all together now!): “How many languages do you speak?” I’ve decided that a good answer to this question is π. More than three, less than four—though if you discover that your interlocutor is singularly unsophisticated or otherwise from Kansas, you can call it three to keep things simple. (Read by David J. Peterson.)

The Braille Song; by Innocuous Mustard; Music and Lyrics by Sheri Wells-Jensen, Sam Herrington, and Jason Wells-Jensen; From Volume CLVIII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2010. — You can read it in the sunshine, / Standin’ in the lunch line, / Under cover after bedtime: Braille, Braille, Braille.