Honey Help YourSelf

Whenever I’m feeling stingy, flat, defeated or dead broke, it’s usually tied to an idea I'm holding about there not being enough to go around. Not enough money, love, time or opportunity, which means I have to keep what little I have to myself and ration it out in dribs and drabs because that’s all there is. Sounds kind of apocalyptic when I put it like that, but that’s exactly how it looks when we pinch life out in tiny increments. Sometimes it’s easy to go there, especially given the fluctuations of our bank accounts, the nature of our fear-based news media and the ongoing sense of competition created in the world around us. Toxic people don’t help much, either. But the truth is, there’s always plenty to go around, even though it’s not always so obvious. As counter-intuitive as it seems, giving of ourselves when it makes the least sense to do so is probably, exactly, the thing we need to get busiest with. If you’re feeling strapped for cash and it’s making you anxious about spending another red cent, give anyway. Even if you don’t have a dollar to offer as a tip at the cafe, or to give to someone in need, give in other ways. Volunteer your time with people who need it. Feeling sad and cut off? Call someone you care about and spend quality time reconnecting by phone if they don’t live close by. Closer to home, try extending yourself to a new group of people. A book club, cooking class, spiritual community—whatever appeals to you. I often write about being the change we seek in the world; it’s more than a notion, this journey through our junk, and Ghandi was on to something big when he said it. Getting out from underneath our old beliefs and miseducation, which keep us stuck, is what will move us into the world with a greater sense of purpose and meaning. One act at a time. Today, when you feel yourself shrinking, hoarding, playing small for safety’s sake, or otherwise sending your energy in the opposite direction of where you want it to go, take a moment to reevaluate. Look for ways to SHARE instead of retreat. Be willing to give instead of skimp. Doing so will open you up to a deeper/higher experience and send a message to your peanut galley—and everyone around you—that sharing really is caring, honey! - - - - - - - You might also like: Today's Good Energy Tip: Hold Today's Good Energy Tip: Arrive If You're Happy, Do You Know It?    

Oh, honey. Yesterday I hit a snag and then the skids after receiving a bit of inconvenient news—nothing catastrophic, mind you—but the way the rest of my day went, you'd have thought it was the end of pretty much everything that ever was. Already beat from a long stretch of work and more work, and feeling brittle as an old bone, I was in no mood. And yet, yesterday felt like I was nothing but moods. This is the other side of feeling every feeling and not denying the occasional slap of emotional waves when they roll in: sometimes it's just not cute. Being available to our feelings doesn't have to mean coming completely undone in the process. As a kid I remember feeling so sensitive to criticism that I learned to respond by vowing to never to put myself in those situations again. Sadly, my options were limited—I could shut down and swallow what I felt, I could attempt to be perfect and beyond reproach, I could blame someone else, or I could cry foul. Each choice was a brick in the wall I erected around me. My young self couldn't bear that crushed feeling of knowing I’d displeased the people whose praise I wanted most. Yesterday took me right back to, and through, that experience. Between you and me, I don’t care much for calisthenics. Put me on the hiking trail or the running path; let me loose in the Zumba room and I’m good for hours. Jumping, crunching, and flailing, though: no. If I’m to do any of it, I need a coach or a partner to see me through. Especially when it comes to holding a pose. You know that part of the crunch when the trainer yells, “HOLD!” while you lie there trembling in a pool of your own sweat? Well, that’s where I take today’s inspiration. Getting stronger isn't always about transitioning smoothly from one state to the next. Indeed, some phases hurt like hell and we fall backward no matter how far along, evolved, or strong we think we are. Sometimes we can’t help but let other people see us sweat. And that's a good thing. Yesterday’s rollercoaster seemed downhill most of the day and believe me when I tell you how much I wanted off. I was at my edges and I knew it. Here’s what's so good about growth and practice: there’s an inherent agreement between us and them that keeps quietly urging us on. We may wince and whine, and still they wait for us to come humbly to the mat and HOLD long enough to break us down a little bit at a time. The facade is often the first to go. Providing we don’t give up, we return again to the discomfort; we make ourselves available to the process; we grow. - - - - - - - You might also like: Good Energy Tip: Arrive! Simply Contagious Hammer Time

Depending on who you ask, the word light invites associations with all things good: happy accidents, serendipity, prosperity, fame, and divine timing, while darkness on the other hand, tends to evoke the opposite: illness, aggression, danger, misery, fear, violence, strife, and worse. It's important to make the observation about these opposites because today's theme of illumination includes many aspects of light—and isn't afraid of the dark either. Perhaps you've heard me express my frustration with the super spiritual set who view confrontation, upheaval, anger, and discord as lower or dark energies to be avoided at best, and released to the light in case you simply can't avoid getting your hands dirty. It's the height of a hands-off approach to life. I once wrote a post about how beneficial it is to acknowledge all of our feelings as they arise, rather than reject them or self-select what's most comfortable. It's a difficult yet worthwhile practice in becoming  present to each moment. I included a passage about taking in the texture, tone, and color of everything—from the sheets that dress our beds, to songs that might otherwise go unnoticed, to the skin we're in. Within an hour of posting, I received a sharply written email from a reader who professed not to see skin color because it was a distraction, and that heart-to-heart connection was all that mattered. Like that reader, I also prize the experience of deeply connecting with people. I also find it a dangerous practice to declare, I am consciously choosing not to see certain aspects of you because it comes as a huge inconvenience to my sense of world order. Besides, I've already got my ideas about humanity and oneness all worked out, thanks. How about this bit of wisdom, courtesy of the playwright James Thurber—I've been ruminating on it for days: There are two kinds of light—the glow that illumines, and the glare that obscures. Illumination brings us eventual clarity in chaos; it educates the ignorant; it recognizes our opposites and makes room for them at the table. Illumination invites us into the ring to do our best with our demons and  idols; it humbles and opens us, if we're lucky, to an expanded view of the world and what we're doing in it.

I was talking with my sister recently about a creative project I'd been wrestling with for weeks. It was an assemblage of short stories set in an imaginary town like the one where I grew up, and the thought of beginning real work on it made me anxious. Until that time I'd only admitted my fear to a dog-eared page in the back of my  journal. Naming it out loud was another thing in itself. I've been worried about how you'll see me if I tell these stories the way I need to, I said. She seemed surprised to hear it, even as she asked me to explain. An hour later, after sharing my concerns about the disapproval I feared from family and friends, she informed me that I was the only one afraid of what I wanted to say. If you don't tell it the way you need to, she said, then it won't get told. Nobody's ever doubted whether you could do this, but it looks like you're the last one to see it. Vision requires the ability to look beyond the obvious, especially when the facts as we see them don't appear to support our goals. The other thing about vision: even though they're non-transferrable, we're not the only ones who hold visions for ourselves. Friends, family, peers, colleagues, and possibly everyone we meet have images of us that can impact the way we see ourselves—and, consequently, our potential. It works the other way around, too; we're also invested at some level in the visions (aka biases/impressions/judgments) we have of others. The more I was able to peel back my fears with my sister, the more clearly she was able to see me, too. Even better: the act of our sharing helped me update an old picture I'd been carrying around about her, the rest of my siblings, and the way we'd always related to each other. Letting people see us as ourselves takes courage—and practice. It can feel blurry and vulnerable when we show up unguarded and unsure of how we'll be perceived. It's our heart on the line, after all. Riskier still: clinging to old impressions that leave us too fearful to realize our own vision. I was reminded of an important lesson during that conversation with my sister. The great poet and activist Audre Lorde summarizes it like this: When I dare to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.

I woke up in a sweat this morning, still groggy from the bad dream I had. The dream: An ex-boyfriend I hadn't seen since the nineties was crying in my lap, telling me not to think it meant we were back together, but he wanted me to go onstage with him to accept an award in another person's place.* I agreed to do it, but as I approached the stage, someone shoved a tiny notepad into my hand filled with scribbled lines of dialogue. Five steps from the stage, I discover I'm supposed to be playing a major role in a production I'd never heard of. What's worse is the people trying to have side conversations with me while I'm in the middle of my so-called performance. I'd already been thinking about today's theme of communication before I had this dream, and it's no coincidence that the dream would highlight so much of what I'd been trying to put into words. Scientific research tells us that up to 93% of our daily communication is nonverbal. The things we think and fear and hope for, the way we've been raised, the culture around us, our relative comfort in who we are within and with others—all of it influences the way we show up in the world. It goes a long way in shaping our identities, too. How authentically are you communicating to the world around you? How aligned are you in word and deed in your relationships? What kind of scripts—in the form of biases, ideas, beliefs, and attitudes—have you been handed? In service to true communication, how willing are you to step out of your prescribed roles and into the spotlight that's meant for you? - - - - - * The fact that I was even willing to take credit for an achievement I hadn't earned isn't lost one me here, and I've got lots to say about that in a forthcoming entry.

The longest journey we will ever take is the one that leads us from our head to our heart. This wisdom was shared with me by a wise poet who said it came to him from a Native American teaching. I've also heard it attributed to an ancient Chinese philosopher and, later, to a British politician. I have to laugh at myself here because, in my quest to find the right source of this information, I wound up stuck in my head and nearly missed its intended meaning. I'm no stranger to the mental spin, to making my justifications and drawing arbitrary lines around why I will or won't do a thing. It's much easier in the short run to keep a safe distance from drama—real or imagined—and, frankly, I'd rather not get involved. But if I want rewarding relationships and a life rife with meaning, then I had better roll up my sleeves and stick my neck out. My heart too. A funny thing happens on the way to the heart: it's a journey that doesn't allow for much carry-on baggage. Moving toward the place of true connection means we'll be relieved of our judgments and pride, and our useless assumptions about the Other. It takes heart to abandon our familiar patterns for the sake of authenticity. We may have to stretch and extend ourselves in unexpected directions if we want to welcome new energy in (and let the old stuff go). The heart can accommodate it all, as long as we give ourselves permission to go there. Ready? The journey begins now. Correction: it starts the moment you say it does.

Ever have days that feel entirely uphill, like it's all you can do to stay the course of relentless climbing just to stay on track? Other days may slope downhill despite our best efforts, where any appearance of control and clarity turns out to be an awful projection thrown from a trick mirror. And what of those days when the mind-numbing buzz of autopilot provides the only excitement in an otherwise unremarkable life? There are, of course, good days and great ones too—the kind that, if we're lucky enough to chance upon a long run of them—they can balance out the lulls and make the rough spots feel less bruising in the end. But we can't lean on luck as a life skill. What we can rely on in rough times, though, is endurance. Endurance is our ability to last through difficulty, to withstand the rigors of life. It's also an invaluable teacher, a repository of willpower and strength. When I first learned it was within my power to dismantle the old hard-knock stories handed to me about soldiering on and suffering through as a strong woman in the face of life's challenges, I went at it with power tools only to find that the pain behind those fronts was staggering. Removing the old masks we're given, looking head on at the unresolved pain of generations is no walk through the park—not a safe one anyway. It is a journey of epic proportions, and it's no wonder we sometimes give ourselves to auto-pilot, playing small, and putting our lives in the hands of others as though it was the toll we pay for safe passage through. The way to get where we most want to go is to go right there, whether sure-footed or shaky, bearing in mind we're also allowed to call for backup when we need it. Calling on allies seen and unseen is within your power too—therapists, primo girlfriends, ancestors, angels—whatever you need, honey. Here's where endurance, one of our greatest inner resources, comes in. Consider it grace for the journey, holding us high above the craggy stretches, dabbing our brows when we feel faint, lighting the path gone dim, sending gentle winds to urge us on. Today's meditation is all about connecting to this tremendous gift.

It's easy to think that creativity only involves the so-called finer pursuits of Art and Beauty, and that it is the exclusive stomping ground of a chosen few, but I happen to agree with Dr. Maya Angelou who said, Everybody born comes from the Creator trailing wisps of glory. We come from the Creator with creativity. I think that each one of us is born with creativity. The art of creating things involves so much more than the one-sided notion that it's only about birth and growth and light. Creation also demands its share of destruction and death as vital parts of the process. The seeds we plant in one season must yield to the fruit they bear. If we are to reap the harvest and feed ourselves by that fruit, another death must occur every time we eat; it's what gives us life. Taken this way, the loops of creation and destruction are inextricably linked. The same goes for our aspirations; in order to make room for the new, we must first say goodbye to what no longer serves us. For years I wanted to be like so many writing women I'd admired: I wanted to be a highly-respected, politically fierce, wire-tight, whip-smart academic with a slew of panels and publications to my credit. The only snag: that's never who I was at heart. It would take years before I finally gave myself permission to discover and embrace my own voice. Strewn with old dreams of who I thought I wanted to be, my own path becomes that much clearer to follow now. You know what it's like to outgrow and old goal; it feels constricting and doesn't light you up the way it used to. Where it was once full and vibrant, it's now hollow and weak. The creation process means we must be willing to shed old skins, incubate new dreams and move them into the world so that they might grow, flourish, and inspire us in new directions. This is an act of courage and trust—and it's within each of us to do. It's those wisps of glory we come in with, honey. Remember?

As a fan and avid practitioner of meditation, I talk a lot about the benefits of getting still, being grounded, and bringing our energy into the present. This week, I've decided to share a simple 5-minute practice each day to help keep you centered in the midst of busy-ness as usual. I've lovingly dubbed this series The Daily Meds, and if you're new to the meditation, you'll be surprised how easy it is to call up your inner calm once you put your mind to it. Today's practice, which is included in the audio, is all about breathing. Breathing is probably our most easily overlooked function, yet we can't afford to be without it. We can skip food, water, shelter, and sleep for a lot longer than we can go without air. When you look at it like that, what's more present than the breath? Ever notice how stressful situations cause our breathing to go shallow and ragged? When we're feeling fearful, it's as though we simply can't get enough air. How about that wide-open breath-of-fresh-air that always seems to ride in on good news, relief, and renewal? And maybe you've experienced the heaviness of grief and how it parks itself in the chest, bubbling up in long sighs, and getting hung up in huffing, and puffing? The breath takes on all kinds of qualities according to how we feel. Tuning in to it--and staying with it--are great ways to not only identify what's happening inside us, but breathing consciously can also lower our blood pressure, open the heart, elevate our mood, stimulate circulation, promote healing, and connect us to our deepest wisdom. Want to get yourself grounded and stay that way? Try this practice and let me know how you do. Above all else, keep breathing, honey, and carry on.

It's the 4th of July and our theme is freedom. Whether or not you celebrate Independence Day, be sure to keep your own in mind. What does freedom mean to you? To me, it's about savoring the tremendous realization that there are no laws prohibiting me from going where I want when I want how I want, from loving whom I choose, from voting, from owning myself. And even as life continues to erupt in ways that would challenge everything I just said, I dare not question the fact that I am free in the face of it all. And so are you. We're also free to deny the truth of who we are at heart; we're free to live beneath bushels, in closets, in chaos, and under rocks if we choose to, too. We're free to live by ideals that don't fit, by bars set far too low; we're free to remain silent and let other people dictate how we'll live; we're free to do half-assed work and deem ourselves unworthy by denying the dream that's in us. We can do anything! And that's a big deal. A great philosopher once said, "Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." What will you do with yours? - - - - - - You might also like: I Win! Soft Shoulders Arrive!

I'm the one who always says living well is a matter of choice, but don't think for one second I don't know how much luxury I have in saying it. I live in a time and place where I'm free to come and go as I choose, and I enjoy more rights and privileges...

Sometimes slogging through the day, one lead foot over the other, feels like the only way to make it through. Then there are days we go drowsy at the wheel after flicking on the autopilot or, in my case some days, Netflix. I'll go at it tomorrow, harder, I may tell myself as a way of granting permission to fart out the rest of the hours. All the while, I know I'm only cheating myself in the process. This is hardly a new game, and it's definitely not a winning one. It's too easy to say, One day I'll get there, and then pull the covers up and over again. The idea of magically arriving at our destination is cheating at its best; It keeps us numb, sleep, and reaching. One day is a place we may never get to. And even if we do, only having 24 hours to enjoy a dream realized feels more like a torment to me. Not good. How about, instead, we all agree to arrive today? How about we inhabit the persona, the energy, and attitude of who we think we'll be once we've got the guy or girl, hit the lotto, lost the weight, got the degree, job, house, happiness or whatever it is that we keep putting just beyond our reach? Even the suggestion of it makes me square my shoulders, sit up straighter, and pat my 'fro like a boss, honey! And you? How does it make you feel when you arrive? - - - - - - - You might also like: Barefoot into Joy And the Winner Is... Hammer Time

Two Saturdays ago, I spent the bulk of my afternoon setting up a new flower box. To be honest, it was more than a flower box; it was an old wooden CD rack, a tall, slender one I'd turned on its side, drilled drainage holes into, and filled with a mix of wildflower seeds and herbs. I laid it outside the window and marveled at my tremendous feat of upcycled urban landscaping. Every day since, I've been beaming out at the flower box, swelled with pride and a feeling of accomplishment as I count new buds and fuss like a doting mother. But it wasn't long before the rains came, followed by snow and more freezing. Well, I said. Shit. This reminds me of the time back in 2009 when my friend and fellow seeker, Edie, shared an intriguing spring ritual with me. I’d been telling her how I’d recently resolved to welcome in a dose of new energy that would initiate a big-time lift-off on a few creative projects I’d had my eyes and heart set on for longer than I was willing to admit. I feel like I’m idling, I confided, and I'm unsure of how to kick things into gear right now. This calls for some serious letting go, Edie said. Here's what you do... and she rolled out the process in the following steps, which I'll refer to as the "Planting Reality In Stages To Invite New Energy in 6 Easy Steps Plan" (PRISTINE ESP)… because I can. 1. MAKE A LIST  of things you want to release. 2. TRANSFER THE LIST  to separate items on individual strips of paper. 3. BURN THE PAPERS  in a ritualistic way that supports your ‘letting go’. 4. BLEND THE ASHES  with potting soil. 5. BUY ORGANIC SEEDS  and plant them in the ash/soil blend. (The organic part was my idea, because why skimp, right?) 6. WATCH AND WAIT  which is basically self-explanatory, except… …I neglected the fact that I was allowed to actually do other things while anticipating the arrival of new energy in the form of the literal seeds I'd planted. Here’s where I should have started paying attention to the warning signs. The more I got into the gardening project, the less I wrote and did other practical things, like sleeping, for instance. Like my current planting experience, I fussed over those seeds and hovered every chance I got, anxious as a snaggle-tooth child pining for the tooth fairy. Both times, rains came. Harsh weather hammered at my seeds—my dreams!—and there I was, powerless to protect them. I'd done all the planting by the book, taking extra care to make sure the conditions (and intentions) were right. Nevertheless, I hit bad patches each times, which led me to the following: a. SEEDS ARE SEEDS (even the dream variety) While this little nugget might make sense to most of you advanced readers, it surprised me to discover how quickly and thoroughly I had lost sight of it in all of my fussing and anxiety. And guess what? There are big seeds, little seeds, easy-to-root seeds, and little bitty fuckers that won’t take hold no matter what you do. b. NATURE RULES Nature will always have the final say, will set the record straight, and help us adjust our thinking…particularly when we don’t want to. c. LIFE HAPPENS  Once most of my seeds had finally broken the surface and smiled up at me from my window sill in all of their tender glory, I equated it to new energy blossoming forth, and to a revived spiritual stamina that was surely emanating from within me. Surely, right? Until a freak hailstorm showed up that afternoon—while I was away from home, of course—and unleashed holy terror on my nerves, the seeds, and most definitely—my Soul. Whatever kind of seeds you're planting, do so with great love and intention. I remember Mother Teresa saying as much in reference to making a difference in the world. She said: "We can't all be great, but we can do small things with great love." There's not much that feels better to me than knowing I've done my best. (Not to be confused with perfection.) Beyond that, I have to be willing to let go. Easier to say than do,

An uncovered sneeze may spray farther than an open hose, but research shows our feelings move just as quickly and they're equally contagious. Take happiness, for example. Studies claim that smiling can not only boost your mood, but being genuinely happy is also a great way to move you quickly up the career ladder. I don’t know the specifics on that part because, frankly, I didn’t read the whole study. Besides, I’m not sure how much I believe it anyway. I don't personally know many heads of companies, but of the ones I'm familiar with, 'happy' isn't the first word that comes to mind when I think of them. A quick story: Years ago I had a boss who used to get upset whenever she noticed I wasn’t smiling. ‘What’s wrong, Kriste?’ she’d ask, nervous as a cat in the corner. ‘You’re not your usual smiling, happy self.’ This confrontation didn’t happen often, but when it did, it annoyed me. Tremendously. ‘I bust my ass for you, and now I’m supposed to grin and dance while I’m at it?’ I complained to my girlfriend Sheila. I ran down the list of the many ways I’d worked circles around my peers, and often around the clock, I added—and all the boss can see is I’m not smiling like she wants?’ I said. This is the benefit of having friends who let you unload. They’ll listen, let you rant and help you find your footing once the smoke clears. Shelia kept quiet, no doubt waiting for an opening. ‘Did it ever occur to you that she’s right?’ she asked. Sheila reminded me that in the many years she’s known me, my general disposition was joyful, and it was true that I was often smiling. Although the employer was awkward, my friend explained, the fact was my happiness had been making an impact I wasn’t even aware of. I never thought of it like that before. ‘Oh,’ I said. Now I’m not one to advocate being phony for the sake of appearing otherwise in the hopes that the latter becomes the reality. Faking it ‘til you make it might just make a mess of things. Plus, when I lived in New York, I can’t tell you how many random strangers—on a daily basis—would call out to me on the street telling me to smile (and then call me a bitch when I didn’t). That’s another story entirely. The point is, whether or note we intend it, our energy fans out and moves through a room like waves washing over everyone around us. We don’t have to say a word to communicate our deepest feelings because energy already does that for us. All too often it’s the words we speak that confuse the issue. Being aware of our energy—mood, vibration, emotion, whatever you want to call it—and honoring where we are makes all the difference. It’s this simple act of awareness that puts you and only you in control of your feelings rather than leaving it to other people to do for you. So how about you? What are you carrying today? When you walk through the door, what’s going with you?   - - - - - - - You might also like: Baggage Claim Practical Magic Can I get a witness?

  My friend Erin Diedling is a gifted trauma therapist, clairvoyant, and matchmaker and who better to chat with about matters of heart and soul around Valentines Day? In her own words, at the core of everything she does, she connects people to themselves, to their hearts and to their community—the global community. ∞   ∞   ∞ I've always been networking people and matchmaking—whether it's with a love, or a job, or internship or volunteering opportunity, It's naturally something I've always done on the planet. I noticed that Valentine's stuff was up before Christmas was even over. On Christmas Day I was in a Walgreen's and they were already putting up the Valentine's stuff, and I was like, Are you kidding? I think the important thing is that you always have a relationship with yourself first, so what you can do is give a big smooch to the media pressure and say, I see you, I've got my eye on you, I know you expect me to be a consumer because it is consumerism we're talking about. I know you expect me to buy the roses and the dinner or buy the flowers or whatever and it's important to acknowledge the pressure there, but you don't have to respond to it. A fun little cognitive thing you can do in response to outside pressure is to feel that pressure and say, I love myself. And just feel it. Because you're always in relationship with yourself, whether you're in a partnership or entering into a partnership, or exiting one—even if you're between partnership—there's always you. If you're looking for the soulmate, I would start with desire. What is it you want to feel with the soulmate? What is the experience you want to have with the soulmate? How do you see that for yourself? Are there activities? Is there a location? Is there a way of being or a form of communication you want? There might be a laundry list of things. I'd say make the list. Not the list of things, but the list of ways you want to feel. For example, I'd really like it if my partner was spiritual, or If I'm going to partner with someone, they have to believe in energy, or in God, or they have to be positive. They have to have an abundant way of being in the world. Things like that. Here's why desire's so important: A lot of people who don't have great examples of positive relationships—or those who've been in a whole lot of shitty relationships—they might not know what it is they desire. Who you are, what you desire, and what makes you tick might not have been a priority in your upbringing, and this could be my own experience coloring my worldview, but a lot of times when I'm working with a client whose desires were not honored in the upbringing, they might not know what it is they even want. You could ask them what they want and they just lock up because they have no idea. To attract what you want, you might want to know what you want. Give the universe some direction, because the universe would love to deliver it! And—allow for some surprise. I had some huge insights around type recently. Having a type isn't necessarily a bad thing; it can help you work your issues out and learn something about you. I went back home for a visit recently, and there was this guy I not get over for years and years. I was like, 'How could someone I was so nuts about and so attracted to, who talks a good game—wind up making me so wrong in the end? Like, eight million shades of wrong? How did I miss that? I was home for ten days, by the way—a long friggin time to be living back in your parents' home, right? I had a lot of time with my mom. You know how little kids are so in love with their parents? Well, I thought my mom was perfect—the way she brushed her teeth was the coolest thing, and her great shape in a swimsuit was like a celebrity, her mini cheesecakes were perfection! But she didn't thinks so, so I was wrong even back then. I wanted to wear summer clothes in the winter and it was wrong, and I wanted to wear things that didn't match,