Summary: "Our research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power - the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics." Crucial Conversations, page 9 With over two million copies sold, one would imagine that people are getting value from Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. The book doesn't disappoint. A veritable treasure chest of guidance, tips, and insights into managing high stakes / high emotions conversations, Crucial Conversations is as enjoyable a read as it is enlightening. Golden Egg Fill the Pool "When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open." Crucial Conversation, page 20 One of the dominant ideas in Crucial Conversation is that of the "Pool of Shared Meaning." Effectively, it's much easier to have a productive conversation when we're all looking at the issue at hand from a collective understanding. Alas, this is much easier said than done. As human beings, we have our own experiences, our own suspicions, and our own stories that can (and usually do) muddy up the pool. The objective, then, is to constantly look for ways to add as many of the relevant stories, facts, and emotions to the shared pool. It's the "shared" part that we're striving for, here. Crucial conversations are only resolved effectively when others in the conversation are made aware of, and understand, our stories, facts, and emotions. (And vice versa!). Let's look at a couple factors that can get in the way (and what to do about them). GEM # 1 Vigilantly Watch for Silence and Violence "Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning - period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren't buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding." Crucial Conversations, page 49 When you find yourself in an uncomfortable conversation, do you clam up? Or do you go on the offensive? As the authors of Crucial Conversations explain, we're genetically conditioned to enter a "Fight or Flight" mentality when we find ourselves in less-than-safe situations. Our breathing quickens, adrenaline shoots through our bodies, and our blood flows to our limbs, better enabling us to respond physically. While this may be helpful when faced with a real, physical attack, it's about the least helpful response we could have in a crucial conversation. Think about it - if blood is moving to our limbs, then it's moving away from our brains, making it harder for us to think and respond rationally. Thankfully, there are indicators we can watch for and correct, when we enter this "Fight or Flight" mentality. The authors label them "silence" and "violence". Indicators of Silence: Masking emotions and true feelings Avoiding the uncomfortable topic Withdrawing from the conversation Indicators of Violence: Controlling the conversation Labelling the other person or their views Attacking, through sarcasm or insults Any of those sound familiar? Any of these tactics are virtually guaranteed to take you further from rational conversation and a positive outcome. So how do we overcome them? The authors suggest refocusing on what you really want to get out of the interaction. What do you want for you? What do you want for the other person? What do you want for this relationship? and (here's the kicker) How would you be acting if you really wanted that? It's called "Making it Safe," and by focusing on these questions, we redirect our bodies to think - to answer the higher level questions, and restore blood flow to its proper balance. "Making it Safe" is a powerful tool in engaging in rich, meaningful conversation. GEM # 2
