Summary: by Claudine Griggs Read by Laura Hobbs Discuss on our forums. For a list of all Escape Pod stories, authors and narrators, visit our sortable Wikipedia page About the Author… Claudine Griggs teaches at the University of Massachusetts and Rhode Island College. About the Narrator… Laura works in infosec by day and is a random crafter by night. Twitter is her social media of choice, and she despises the word “cyber”. When asked nicely, she sometimes reads things for people on the internet. You can find her online at soapturtle.net Growing Up Human By Claudine Griggs One historical film character slapped another who was snoring. “Wake up and go to sleep!” Jonathan laughed and signaled a replay. Slap. “Wake up and go to sleep!” Again Jonathan laughed. Betty entered the recreational living area of their home. “Are you still watching that waste of energy? Please turn it off.” “All right, Mother. How long before I can re-engage?” Betty did a rough calculation. “Five-point-seven-six hours because you have an afternoon project. Macro-hermeneutic heteromorphic psychology of the pre-apocalyptic social democracies followed by the intercontinental Maslowvian identity regressions of 2080-2095, leading to the failed survivalist era and extinction. Multiple volumes to upload, cross-reference, and consider. Then there’s replicated lawn care with a petrochemical mower dating from 2013—very dirty. And,” she searched for appropriate parental terminology, “I want you to clean that room of yours. It’s starting to look like a pigpen, pigsty, or other unattractive pig place.” “Awh, gee, Mom!” Betty appreciated the skilled inflection. “Is dinner included in the estimate?” asked Jonathan. “Negative. Our morning uploads call for meal functions every fourth day, supplemented with biweekly nutra-packs.” Betty smiled. “We have mastered comestible etiquette, and dining rituals are being phased out.” “Wow!” said Jonathan. “That’s,” he skipped a pulse, “a psychedelic soul train.” Betty looked concerned. “Are your linguistic filters functioning properly?” Jonathan scanned. “Yes, but the younger generations sometimes combined words, especially adjectives and explicatives, and embellished them with coded meanings. Yesterday I studied 1960s Southern California jargon, which seems to include a fascinating, discrete language for teenagers that was apparently stimulated by too much ultraviolet sunlight. But their dialects are almost fun.” “Fun?” asked Betty. This had real potential. “Please translate. Be specific.” Jonathan paused, nearly admitting that the Mother Figure had caught him bragging. “It might be easier to demonstrate, Mom.” “Proceed.” “I must replay the film archive.” “Proceed.” “It will create discomfort for you.” “I can temporarily alt-loop for semantic evaluation bypass. No distress. All aboard the psychedelic soul train, please.” Jonathan turned toward the crystal wall, which energized. One character slapped the other. “Wake up and go to sleep!” Jonathan laughed and repeated. “Wake up and go to sleep!” Jonathan nodded. “I could watch this all day.” “You have,” said Betty. “But you might have simply referenced the episode and segment. It’s hard stored. We wasted sixteen and a half seconds of real-time broadcast.” She was testing him. “Oh, no!” said Jonathan. “Playback is a component of the funishness.” “Please explain.” Jonathan was ready. “Consider the sociological components. One: Juxtaposed verbiage of ‘Wake up and go to sleep.’ Two: A slap of dominance and subservience, which defined the human condition. And three: Highly skilled competents feigning incompetence as part of their profession.” Jonathan turned his back to the screen. “However, similar to synchronized melodic nonverbal communication, the comedic interface must occur in a biomechanical synaptic timeframe. This is necessary for human sensory and syntactical communication. As with the great Viol[...]
