Summary: You see, I wrestle with silence a lot. We have this strange dance, silence and I. I am much more comfortable in silence than I am in large groups of people whose conversations swell and mix together, eventually sounding like static or clucking chickens. I need--I crave--times for silence. But I resist it sometimes as well, behaving like I somehow enjoy having four or five programs or projects going on at the same time. I feel like I'm being so much more productive that way--until it all gets on my nerves and I begin to rearrange my office again and put in a rug and zafu meditation cushion in the corner in hopes that I will take advantage of the space and "just" sit and be and reflect and pray and make tea for folks who come by to visit and sit on the floor. That all works well until the next newsletter article is due or the next retreat needs planning or the next adult forum is around the corner, and I don't want to use a pre-packaged DVD curriculum, but I honestly don't have the time or the energy to come up with something original at the moment. But I do feel like I need to come up with something, you know? And the parish folks expect something new and quirky that has a great poster that is designed really well and catches their eye when they turn the corner in the hallway. So there I am, wanting nothing more than to find a way to BE present and rest in silence and wonder what it might look like for an entire community to ground itself in such silence, while at the same time experiencing this pressure to unveil some grand spiritual spectacle that will be an "Aha moment" for at least ten people in the room at any given time. It's twisted, right? But I don't think I'm the only one who experiences this wrestling with silence....
