Summary: Yesterday, I ticked off a LOT of you by telling you about my things to splurge on when I'm poor list. I also had a LOT of you climbing onto your roofs just to sing my accolades. That to me is a good day of blogging. Today, let's just laugh. I don't want anyone having a heart attack, and this time of year roofs can be slippery and dangerous. My late sister Carissa (she had Down's Syndrome) loved telling jokes. She carried her little joke books around and loved to make people laugh. Her favorite joke was the one in the image above. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie into it. I never have awesome jokes. People say, "tell me a joke," and my mind always goes blank. I'm a wit man. I like to make humor on the fly. But when I'm an old fart I know the wit won't be as witty as it used to be, and I decided I need to start building an armoire of short jokes now that I can tell my kids and grandkids and great grandkids. Right after I die, I want to pop my eyes open all the sudden and just as I fade away into eternity say, "bury me with that music I wrote when I was younger." They'll say, "why?!" I'll say, "I might as well spend my time underground decomposing." Okay. That wasn't my joke. My Grandma Ann always has a joke up her sleeve. It doesn't matter the topic of conversation. Last night she told us that joke about Beethoven. And she told us three or four other priceless jokes over the course of the evening. And I just want to be like her when I'm old. And like Carissa. So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha. So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren't as "free spirited" as someone like me can skip them if you like. BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE! Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee. What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything. What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, get out of here! We don't serve mushrooms here". Mushroom says, "why not? I'm a fungai!" I never make mistakes...I thought I did once; but I was wrong. What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?...Ba-na-na-naaa! What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM! Knock knock. Who's there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head) Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop! What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business! CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What's the last thing that goes thru a bug's mind as he hits the windshield? His butt. Knock knock- who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub I'm dwounding! The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense. What goes "ha ha thump"? A man laughing his head off. What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine. What's brown and sticky? A stick! Why are pirates so mean? I don't know, they just arrrrrrrrr! Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh! What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner. Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest? Who's there?" ... "Control freak. Okay now you say, 'Control freak who?" What do you call cheese that's not yours? It's nacho cheese. What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor? A knight light. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?! They're making headlines!
