Over Divorce – Divorce, breakups and separation recovery podcast

Honorée Corder joins the show today. Honorée is the best-selling author of a dozen books, including her latest, If Divorce is a Game, These are the Rules: 8 Rules for Thriving Before, During and After Divorce. Her mission is to inspire and give hope to people as they navigate their divorce. Honoree talks about the rules of divorce. She discusses how to use these rules in order to thrive during your divorce. She talks about: The notion that you will be able to get through your divorce and be better on the other side. The importance of assembling a team to support you during your divorce in order to get through your divorce faster. The types of people that should be on your support team. How to know the types of people that shouldn't be on your team. How to develop a quick “divorce story” that you can use so that you don't get caught up in dwelling on your divorce. Steps you can do to cultivate forgiveness. What forgiveness looks like when it is done. The importance of protecting yourself and your mental health. How to implement extreme self-care. How to avoid the mistake of making the divorce about material possessions. Honorée the creator of the Divorce Transformation Coaching Program, which has assisted people to get their lives back and their games on. She’s also the author of the best-selling The Successful Single Dad, Tall Order! and her latest business and personal development book, Vision to Reality. You can find out more about Honorée and her books and coaching programs at www.HonoreeCorder.com Here Facebook address is www.facebook.com/Honoree You can also follow her on Twitter at @Honoree    

Tantric Sex and Coping With Divorce Managing your sex drive is an important part of coping with divorce. August joins the show to talk about sex. She is a certified Reiki practitioner and has studied Tantra for over 20 years. On this episode of the podcast she talks about masturbation, sexual energy and taboos around sex.  During the show we talk about: What tantric sex is. How masturbation develops your sex muscle. Whether or not you should masturbate. How masturbation can lead to shame for young men. What women want most out of a sexual experience. Sexual Kung Fu and the redistribution of sexual energy. Find out the difference between orgasms and ejaculation. Learn about the “job” of tantric practice. You can find out more about August her experience and practice at http://sensualhealingarts.wordpress.com/

Jai Kissoon joins the OverDivorce podcast; he is the CEO and president of Our Family Wizard a leading co-parenting tool.  His company provides resources to help families deal with all the stress around scheduling and communicating during divorce. They have some cool tools to help manage kids’ schedules, visitation times, calendaring and messaging systems. Jai talks about: How online tools can help you communicate with your ex. Technology that allows you to manage time with your children when going through a divorce. The importance of having a good system to document correspondence and bills. How to avoid some of the biggest challenges with communicating with your ex-wife during divorce. Some common mistakes that divorcing parents make when going through a divorce. The importance of getting peace with your ex. Some best practices for scheduling time with your kids. Here is the link from Working Mothers about Our Family Wizard: You can find out more about Our Family Wizard here: You can email them at: info@ourfamilywizard.com Follow them on Twitter: @OurFamilyWizard Their phone number is: (866) 755-9991

Coping With Divorce in a Positive Way John McElhenney joined us to talk about how he was able to develop a positive perspective while he was going through his divorce. John is a single dad who lives and writes in Austin, Texas. John is also the Divorce editor of The Good Men Project and is a contributing writer for the Huffington Post. During the show we talk about: John’s epiphany that radically changed his thoughts about being a father in a positive way. How he got clarity about making decisions during his divorce. His realization about becoming a “Whole Parent” and the most important thing that he did to become one. How John processed his emotions while going through his divorce so that negative thoughts wouldn’t impact his kids. Learn John’s mental “Judo move” that changed his mind set about his divorce. How your kids view what you are doing during your divorce and how that will impact their lives. How he talked to his kids about some of the good things that came out of his divorce for him and his ex-wife. John talks about how his parents’ divorce impacted him on how he was going to handle his own divorce. How writing and journaling helps you get perspective on your thoughts and relieves some of the depression that comes with divorce. How he was able to grieve during his divorce. 3 things that John did so that he could cope with his divorce. These are techniques that John used to keep him distracted and let him have fun. John recommends Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead Another good book to check out is Iron John: A Book About Menby Robert Bly Learn about the benefits of journaling here We also recommend watching Boyhood. John has published several books of poetry, his most recent book Impossible Love Poems: Love, Loss, Rebuilding, Recovery, Divorce, Dating, & Hoping for Love Again. He also wrote The Twitter Way - Book One / LIFE: Twitter As A Way of Enlightenment a whimsical look at social media. He makes his living writing social media strategies (uber.la) for small businesses. Make sure to follow him on twitter @wholeparent You can also check out his Facebook page www.facebook.com/wholeparent

Certified Divorce Coach founder Randy Cooper joins us in this episode of the Over Divorce podcast. Randy is author of a book and leading the charge for advocacy of divorce coaching.Randy talks about the subject of his book -the six biggest mistakes people make when getting a divorce. Randy shares  insight into the benefits of having someone on your side who fills a different role than those of a therapist or attorney- helping you think creatively about ways to stay on task,and focused.  We discuss stories and share tips on a more healthy divorce and the way to get it. Insight into taxes IRAs and smarter ways of splitting up assets are reviewed. We discuss some of the pitfalls of leaning  too hard on your attorney and extending divorce proceedings longer than they need to go. Randy discusses the risks of "Throwing in the Towel" and not advocating in your own best interest -as your "best-self". View the podcast transcript here

Private Investigators are the subject of this installment of The Over Divorce Podcast with Adrian and Tom. The Hosts Interview the head of  California's JR Investigations. This podcast explores res the seamier side of human nature- the jealousy and suspicion that often arises during and after divorce. The Do's and Don'ts and well as the limitations and capabilities of modern private investigators are explored. State-of-mind is often the key that drives the investigations as opposed to gender or wealth. Most separated or divorced people don't often realize that states rarely take into account marital fidelity as a factor in divorce decrees (it's noted that it is a factor in religious annulments). PI's often sell "peace of mind" about suspicions with respect to their partners. JR shares that most investigations last about 2 weeks and that 90% of suspicions are confirmed. PI's are particularly useful in child custody cases where an ex-spouse might be endangering a child by abusing alcohol or drugs or engaging in other illegal activities. The criteria for evaluating a Private Investigator are discussed and the importance of defining success in the investigation as key in determining whether or not it's worth it to hire a professional investigator. JR shares his methodology and how digital communication has changed his work. He also discusses the dangers and risks of foreign brides and the sadly consistent story that often accompanies the practice of the "mail order bride" We also learn about cellphone tracking and other methods of uncovering information including "pretexting". Ultimately many investigations are rooted in financial concerns. JR discusses how money drives the motivations behind the vast majority of the cases he works and the frivolity of many of the cases he works. Some of the dangers that private investigators face are explored too.  It is easy for professional PI's to get on the wrong side of a case if they don't due the proper due diligence on their client prior to taking their case.  JR says PI's risk participating in stalking if they don't consider the relationship they are investigating.  Much like divorce settlements, rarely are clients happy with the findings of a private investigation.

Moving and memories are the topic of this episode of the Over Divorce podcast with Adrian and Tom.  The difficulties of packing up and moving are likely to be a major part of anyone's divorce experience. Tom and Adrian discuss their own issues around moving and the memories associated with the location of their past house and the promise of a new location. Tom discusses the role of memory and identity as described by Philip K. Dick In a number of movies and stories including Blade Runner, Total Recall, and Minority Report. Tom goes on to describe how Philip K Dick used the collection of memories to define the identity of characters-who they are and what they think of themselves. The hosts go on to reflect on possessions and their meaning relative to an individual's identity. Adrian proposes (as seen in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) the possibility of erasing one's memory completely as a means of getting over the pain and struggle of a divorce. Adrian points out how different kind of memories can put you in different moods as well as how different moods can pull out different memories. He goes on to share how he aggressively removed all the objects the reminded him of his ex to help manage the negative feelings those objects could manifest. The hosts continue to discuss the practicality of second and third marriages as a segue from the usefulness of keeping a collection of photos from the first wedding. Kids are cited as a reason for taking divorce more seriously and intensely. The hosts discuss the having children and how that creates substantially more difficulty in getting along with your ex. A transcript of the episode is available here

Communicating with your ex is difficult.  In this episode of the OverDivorce podcast the hosts discuss alternatives to face-to-face confrontation. Coming up with some ways to maintain your composure, and thinking of some tips and techniques to help you along the way is helpful.Email is a good way to make sure your words are chosen carefully. Sending that email immediately  is ill-advised, however. Getting that off on the right foot is crucial. For those who have children, it's essential to remember that ex-spouses are part of your life for as long as you are a parent.  It's easy to lose sight of that in the midst of a contentious divorce. A healthy divorce recovery demands effective communications and often that simply means collecting, holding and managing your thoughts. One tip explored by the hosts is  to remember not to send anything that you write at night. Waiting until the morning and reading it again is helpful to keep things in control.  Especially when you need to communicate your thoughts lucidly and with some serious forethought. You may write things at night but save them for the light of day when you have a clearer sense of your feelings. Approach all communications with sobriety, and a second mental framework to make sure that you are communicating what you intend. The difficulties around social media are discussed including the pros and cons of blocking your ex as well as blocking them from your profile. Relationships with your children are discussed in podcast and the essential importance of leaving them out of the communication loop with your ex.  As tempting and easy as it is to use them to relay messages the hosts remind listeners that it is not their role to share messages or insight about the status of your ex.  Keep their participation in communications with your ex at a minimum. A transcript of the podcast is available here

Divorce means change and that means ups and downs in mood and attitude. That's the focus of this episode of the OverDivorce Podcast. Tom and Adrian discuss the E-ticket ride that is the emotional roller coaster of divorce.  Being terribly sad , then happy, then sad again.  Adrian notes  that one of the hardest parts is thinking that you're OK and thinking you're over things. Then Out of nowhere something come up and sneak up on you and rip you back down to a new low point. Tom notes that being aware that moods pass helps get through it. The key is detaching from those moods and letting them pass. Adrian then cites the importance of mediation as a means of maintaining an even mood. He goes on to say that what he's learned about meditation would've helped him significantly over the past  few years. Tom discusses the potential positive effects of using a rubber band as a means of reminding yourself when you're ruminating or obsessively thinking thoughts that aren't helpful or constructive. Adrian details some of his experience with the rubber band technique and observes that it was actually quite helpful in mediating his mood. Adrian and Tom sky the shortcomings of using chemicals to help distract you from thinking too much. The effects are short-lived and tend to make things worse in the long run. Tom shares some guilt about anxiety and worry being first world problems and Adrian discuss Maslow and how emotionally we can't tell the difference. Exercise and social engagement are discussed as more effective tools in the battle against excessive anxiety. Mind hacks as a means to begin engaging in either exercise or social activities are described- for example the method of just starting can be a big help  engaging the mind in a task that it was once was resistant to. The hosts discussed the difficulty of getting started any kind of task when depressed. They discuss the e-book available on this website.  Its contents are described-- specifically small things that you can do right away -in less than 60 seconds- to make your life a little happier, lighter and easier during a very difficult time. The transcripts are available here

Confidence is explored further in this episode- extending on the subject covered in the previous Eric Von Sydow episode, Tom and Adrian discuss the need to find the confidence to regain the ability to accept risk. The hosts discuss the connection of personal fitness and nutrition in the process of recovering confidence. Adrian discusses his enthusiasm for smoothies containing Kale and protein powder. Tom discusses an older anecdotal study of twins using different fitness regimes and the results they achieved. Other Self-care methods and "controlling the controllables"are explored and discussed as is the pain associated with the loss of confidence and trust at the onset of a break-up. Tom brings up the organizational tactic of Time Blocking and advocates for applying it to gain further control of one's time as a means of improving confidence and paying one's self first. Adrian discusses the benefits of having things scheduled and releasing himself from the internal dialogue of having to decide what to eat or do next. Leveraging routine Andrian continues is the key to developing healthy habits. The discussion moves to shifting the internal critic to focus on what you are doing right as opposed to obsessing over what is going wrong. Adrian goes further to discuss the advantages of Eastern Martial Arts as a means to boost confidence.  Combat and competition can help focus the mind and find key areas to improve physically as well as discipline to ease and quiet the mind. The hosts discuss the advantages of Outward Bound  and how wilderness or survival training can do remarkable things for one's confidence. Tom mentions Kezia Noble and her references to confidence as a critical factor when men are assessed by women as potential dating candidates. The hosts discuss how important confidence is to dads with kids.  Confidence is critical in not allowing a danger power shift to occur between kids and their parents. If dad is viewed as lacking confidence and needing care, kids will be put at risk. The transcript for this episode is available here

Control, power and confidence are discussed in this episode. Famed self-help guru Eric Von Sydow a.k.a. Hypontica joins the podcast. Tom and Adrian" pose questions about dating and figuring out when one is ready to date. Eric has 20 years of diverse experience running strip clubs and helping people and relationships. He shares tips about “the Inner Game”, recovery from emotional trauma, and how he manages members of Seal teams when things get out of hand. "Chaos keeps you on your toes". Adrian and Eric discuss hypnosis and Hoʻoponopono. And how some of Eric’s earlier work helped Adrian transition out of marriage. Eric also tells about being in an open relationship and breaking up with an ex-girlfriend. and discusses the value of going through pain and the importance of closure even in the context of low levels of communication. Eric discusses the error of giving away your manhood and surrendering your power. He says it’s about leadership and surrendering the role of leader. Eric says women become resentful of having to take the lead. Adrian reflects on the value of taking ownership of identity and Eric shares the power of owning the vision and the tragedy of surrendering the vision small piece by small piece. Eric challenges the listener around knowing where their identity is centered and how that gets tested. Tom adds that the power in a relationship seems to be a function of proactivity vs. reactivity- that reactivity requires less effort and turns to boredom. Eric makes a strong case for self-love driving the ability to form meaningful relationship and shares tips for self-actualization, including being the person you want to be first. A self audit becomes critical to self-development. He also shares some tips for taking responsibilities, for vision, and acknowledging where you are and leaving victimhood behind. Eric promotes practical use of dating sites, advocates for a short rebound after divorce , and to be as social as possible as quickly as possible. He makes the point that there is more than one way to grieve. Adrian notes that the hard choice and the right choice are often the same. Eric reinforces the simplicity associated with choosing your path and owning the responsibility of your choices as opposed to being locked-in by fear of the unknown or fear of social rejection. Eric discusses methods of confronting fears in order to break out of personal ruts. Everyone discusses the meanings and distinctions of good and bad stress. and Eric confirms the importance of one’s own opinion of themselves relative to the opinion of others. He also discusses the limits of effort and the importance of systems to assessing efforts put forward to a given outcome. Brain-hacks and other efforts are discussed in order to take ownership of goals to optimize personal systems. A transcript is available here.

Finding new love is the topic of the 11th episode of The OverDivorce podcast. Tom and Adrian begin the podcast by discussing the concerns about finding the courage to trust, and the irrational concerns around being worthy of finding love after divorce. Adrian discusses the futility of finding validation from outside and then discovering that validation comes from inside. Tom identifies the Morrissey Jay-Z conundrum. Adrian continues by identifying the male need to go after and hunt and the benefits of abstinence immediately after divorce.  Tom asks how one knows the new relationship is not a rebound. Adrian shares how he created a list of what was important in a new partner to make sure the new partner was genuinely Ms. Right and not Ms. Right Now. Tom shares the value of taking stock over past relationships to find out what works and what doesn't. Tom discusses the biology of change, and the sociology of divorce in the current day and the ability of women to choose separation. Adrian discusses the perpetuation of family patterns and their role in defining behavior. He goes further to define the value of the divorce and it's ability to offer one time to reflect on areas of improvement. Tom extends the point by discussing the default nature of behavior-that with the lack of conscious decision people often default to observed behaviors regardless of their effectiveness. Adrian discusses the importance of time in assessing the rightness of a new relationship. Tom cites the old wisdom that fools rush in where angels fear to tread A transcript of the podcast is available here

Hope and Change- Tom and Adrian discuss the timelines on their personal divorce journeys. Adrian shares both how difficult his journey was and and when the difficulty ended. but remembers that it took what is typically an 18 month period. Adrian notes the importance of finding things he enjoys and connecting with his children and family. He shares that using the divorce event wisely can help build a better life. Tom asks about the signs one can look for early on in the divorce event to know that things are going to be ok and notes friendships as being key to that. Adrian adds that it was hard for him to find anything early on but his ability to change his perspective was an early key indicator that things were going to improve. Also that so many guys who have been through what you are going through. Behavioral changes are clear indicators that one has control of their situations. Adrian points out that Conscious choice and control over those choices builds confidence and that in-turn will confirm that you can have a better live and the value you bring. Adrian and Tom point out the value of volunteering in helping to re-define your personality. And Adrian reminds us of the power of time to heal all wounds. Tom reflects on what a powerful relief the resolution of his divorce agreement. and that research shows talking about painful events decrease their trauma Adrian re-shares his tip about finding a restaurant to become a regular at in order to get to know new people. Tom references James Altucher and his 2 dollar bill tip A transcript for the podcast can be found here.

“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.” – Confucius Adrian and Tom share the difficulty of forgiveness and tom shares his thought about the "grudge gene". and Adrian distinguishes between forgiving and forgetting. He shares his experience is going down the path of forgiveness. Tom shares his difficulties finding forgiveness and offering it an ex who hasn't sought it. Adrian expresses his belief that acknowledgment of having done something wrong in order to gain the benefits of forgiveness. He points out that the anger that comes for a difference of perspective or goals isn't necessarily a wrong- but may require forgiveness anyway as a means or method of moving on. Tom asks if acceptance and forgiveness are the same thing. Adrian advocates for an intellectual and emotional acceptance. Tom reflects on the meaning and pain of nostalgia. Adrian reminds us that the surrender of anger as being the first sign that you are moving on. Tom identifies grace as providing the clarity of moving on. Adrian tells of looking for results form forgiveness and trying to find a process for forgiveness. Tom asks if one is looking to forgive oneself through these efforts. Adrian and Tom discuss the loop that occurs from not being able to forgive yourself for transgressions against others and the ability to stop repeating the same self-damaging mistakes and taking responsibility for your own mistakes to get closure. Tom Discusses "backsliding" and the importance forgiving oneself in order to recover and get back on the right path. He reflects on episode 8 and how obsessing over the past prevents moving on. Tom also discusses the value of using presence to get yourself out of your own head. Adrian reflects on the importance of being aware of his own emotional state and using that as a means embracing how ephemeral those emotional states really are and how they pass. Tom tells a story of caring for his child and understanding how truly ephemeral emotional episodes really last and how that can help to see the end of it and looking for cues that help you come out of a tough spot. He also shares data regarding smiling scheduling a trip as a means of changing your mood  just one of the 60 tips available in the free e-book on over divorce.com A transcript can be found here.

Tom tells about his concern regarding losing friends in his divorce and discovering that his friends were still there for him. Adrian discusses how his family supported him and how he looked to his friends on a daily basis. Tom discusses the pack mentality associated with less-close friends and how some treated him as diseased. He reflects on the point that people don't think as much about someone else's divorce as they do their own life. Adrian discusses the difficulty for men to reach out to their friends and the difficulty men have venting or being patient with someone else's venting. Tom cites Author John Gray's  thesis that men don't listen to aide venting, they listen to try and solve problems. Tom shares a story of travel strictly for the benefit of interacting with friends. and Adrian shares the dangers of toxic friends and toxic families- those who aggressively judge your behavior and situation. Adrian and Tom also point out that most relationships have both healing and toxic properties. Tom shares the revolution of trust that comes from sharing the facts of his separation and the truth of the wisdom that you get out of a relationship what you put into it. Adrian recalls his worry that vocalizing that a relationship is in crisis makes that crisis real. He also reflects on the difficulties presented by the retelling of the banal facts of his divorce bringing back a lot of the original pain of the separation. Tom and Adrian reveal the problem of therapy and its contribution to making divorce seem more inevitable. Adrian share the value of the support that comes from sharing the reality of the divorce with his mom and other members of his family. Tom points out that friends will support you and remind you that they do, in fact, care about you regardless of what has happened to you. Adrian reminds the listener that divorce gives you the opportunity to rebuild an identity one more authentic to who you are. Tom reinforces the the idea that many aspects of the identity that had been suppressed in order to be part of a team may reemerge and the healing that comes after the tearing apart of the old relationship. Adrian discusses the pleasant and unpleasant surprises that accompany reaching out to friends and family. Tom discusses the dangers of getting "fixed-up" and Adrian talks shares a story of how people were trying to help him become his old self. A transcript of this podcast is available here.