Positive Discipline show

Positive Discipline

Summary: Positive Discipline is a program based on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs and designed to encourage young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities. Based on the best selling Positive Discipline books by Dr. Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline employs non-punitive methods for teaching valuable social and life skills in a manner that is respectful and encouraging for both children and adults (parents, teachers, childcare providers, youth workers, and others).

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 Jobs: Why Teenagers Don't Do Chores And How To Use Follow-Through | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: Unknown

By Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott (Adapted from Positive Discipline for Teenagers) How many times has your teenager broken a promise to mow the lawn, clean the kitchen, pick up towels on the bathroom floor before leaving for school, or to rinse his bowl before the cereal becomes glued to the surface?  If you didn't answer, "Many times!" you don't have a normal teenager. Teenagers do not break promises to do chores because they are premeditating con artists.  We believe teens fully intend to keep their promises when they are made. So what happens? They forget!  Why do they forget?  Because they are busy being teenagers, and chores are not priorities for them.  Their priorities are friends, cars, zits, clothes, music, texting, trying to figure out what to do about grades, sex, drugs, individuating (finding out who they are separate from their parents) and getting a date for the Prom six months in advance. Chores are not even in the top 100 of their concerns.  Does this mean they should be excused from doing chores?  Absolutely not.  Kids need to participate in chores to learn responsibility, cooperation, give and take, and many other life skills. It does mean that parents can be much more effective in achieving the goal of teen participation in chores with dignity and respect when they "get into the teens world" and understand the life tasks and priorities of teenagers. Then use follow-through. Follow-Through Follow-through is an excellent tool for parents who understand the world of teenagers, and the importance of their participation in chores. There are four steps to follow-through, four traps that defeat follow-through, and four hints for effective follow-through. Four Steps for Effective Follow-Through  Have a friendly discussion where everyone voices his/her feelings and thoughts.Brainstorm for possible solutions and choose one that is mutually agreeable.Agree on a specific time deadline (to the minute.)Understand children well enough to know that the deadline probably won’t be met and simply follow through with your part of the agreement by holding the child accountable. The concept of follow-through is simple unless you make the mistake of falling into one or all of the: Four Traps That Defeat Effective Follow-Through Wanting kids to have the same priorities as adults.Getting into judgments and criticisms instead of sticking to the issue.Not getting agreements in advance, which include specific time deadline.Not maintaining dignity and respect for child and self. Once you have the four steps for effective follow-though and the four traps that defeat effective follow-through under your belt, you will still run into trouble if you don’t follow the four hints for effective follow through: Four Hints for Effective Follow-Through Keep comments simple and concise. (“I notice you didn’t mow the lawn. Would you please do that now.”)In response to objections, ask: “What was our agreement?”In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use nonverbal communication (point to your watch, smile knowingly, give a hug and point to your watch again).When the child concedes to keep the agreement (sometimes with seeming annoyance), say, “Thank you for keeping our agreement.”Some have objected that if follow-through doesn’t work, the teen should experience a consequence. What they really mean by a consequence is some kind of punishment such as extra chores or missing time with friends. Those who are familiar with Positive Discipline know that we don’t advocate any form of punishment. Some believe the only alternative is permissiveness—which is another “no, no” in Positive Discipline. We advocate kindness AND firmness, connection before correction, and focusing on solutions “with” your teen. There are many Positive Discipline tools that meet these criteria. Follow-through is just one tool that is very effective when parent and child have a good relationship and are not engaged in a power s

 Positive Time-Out | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: Unknown

A Positive Discipline Tool Card Imagine you are an employee who has made a mistake, and your boss comes to you and says, “You go to time-out and think about what you have done. And don’t come out until I say you can.” Or, if you are married, imagine your spouse coming to you and saying, “I don’t like your behavior. You are grounded for a week.” In either of these scenario’s what would you be thinking, feeling, and deciding. Is there any chance that you would say, “Oh, thank you so much. This is so helpful. I’m feeling so encouraged and empowered and can hardly wait to do better.”  Not likely. Where did we ever get the crazy idea that we have to make children feel bad before they will do better? This crazy idea is the basis for punitive time-out. It doesn’t work for children any more than it would work for adults. Children are always making decisions about themselves (am I good or bad, capable or not capable, etc.), decisions about others, (are they supportive, friendly, etc. or not), and then decisions about what they will do in the future. These decisions help create a child's personality (even though many are made at a subconscious level). When children are sent to punitive time-out, they are likely to be thinking, "I won't get caught next time." "I'll get even." Or, worst of all, "I'm bad." This is why the NAEYC (National Association for the Education of Young Children) is very much against time-out. Positive Time-Out Positive time-out is totally different. A child (or students in a classroom) designs a "positive time-out area" filled with pleasant things to help him calm down until he can access his rational brain and "do better." After he has designed his "positive time-out area." he gives it another name such as "my space," or my "my cool off spot." Giving positive time-out another name helps eliminate the negative feelings of punitive time-out.” Then allow your child to "choose" to go to his positive time-out instead of being sent.  During a conflict you might say, “Would it help you to go to your ‘feel good place?” If your child says, “No,” ask, “Would you like me to go with you?” (Often this is encouraging to a child and helps increase a connection, as well as calming down.) If your child still says, “No,” (or is having such a temper tantrum, she can’t even hear you,) say, “Okay, I’m going to my time-out place.” What a great model for your children. Go to your own Positive Time-Out Of course it is a good idea for you to have your own positive time-out area so you can model this self-regulation skill. Going to your own positive time-out may be the best place to start during a conflict. Instead of asking your child if it would help her to go to her feel good place, just go to your own. Your time-out could be a physical place. It could also take place by taking deep breaths, counting to ten (or 100), meditating on how much you love your child, etc. Not for Children under the age of Three to Four If a child isn't old enough to design his own positive-time-out area, he is not old enough to understand any kind of time-out—even positive time-out. Choose another Positive Discipline Tool Card Remember that even positive-time-out is not always the most effective parenting tool to help children learn self-discipline, responsibility, problem-solving skills, and other valuable social and life skills.  That is why there are 52 tool cards. Listen below to an excerpt from Building Self-Esteem Through Positive Discipline. Positive Time-Out Introducing Jared's Cool-Out Space (Children's Picture Book) Children, parents, and teachers will enjoy this beautifully illustrated book that teaches the value of "positive time-out" to help children learn self-soothing skills. Co-authored by Jane Nelsen and Ashlee Wilkin, and illustrated by political cartoonist, Bill Schorr. Click Here for More Information.Subscribe to Positive Discipline by Email

 SCHEDULE SPECIAL TIME FOR CONNECTION | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: Unknown

An excerpt from the book Positive Discipline. One of the most encouraging things parents can do for their children is to spend regular, scheduled special time with them. You may already spend lots of time with your children. However there is a difference between have to time, casual time, and scheduled special time. Children under two require a lot of time and are not really old enough to comprehend special time. As long as they feel your enjoyment, scheduled special time is not necessary. Between the ages of two to six, children need at least ten minutes a day of special time that they can count on. Even more time is better, but you’ll be surprised how magical it can be even if 10 minutes of special time is all you can manage in your busy schedule. From six two twelve, children may not require special time every day (you be the judge), but they like to count on at least half an hour a week. The particular time and amount would be individual for each family. It could be cookies and milk while sharing after school, or an hour every Saturday. The important part is that children know exactly when they can count on time that has been set aside especially for them. Don't be fooled when teenagers act as if they don't want to spend special time with you. At this age their friends are more important than family, but the older they get the more important family becomes. If your teenager doesn't have ideas for special time, you may need to make suggestions. Teenagers love to eat. Offer to take your teen to breakfast or lunch. Keep brainstorming until you find something they will look forward to. Listen to this success story podcast of a single dad who scheduled special time with his teenager. Positive Discipline Podcast #9 - Special Time There are several reasons why special time is so encouraging: Children feel a sense of connection when they can count on special time with you. They feel that they are important to you. This decreases their need to misbehave as a mistaken way to find belonging and significance. Scheduled special is a reminder to you about why you had children in the first place—to enjoy them. When you are busy and your children want your attention, it is easier for them to accept that you don’t have time when you say, "Honey, I can’t right now, but I sure am looking forward to our special time at 4:30."Plan the special time with your children. Brainstorm a list of things you would like to do together during your special time. When first brainstorming your list, don’t evaluate or eliminate. Later you can look at your list together and categorize. If some things cost too much money, put them on a list of things to save money for. If the list contains things that take longer than the 10 to 30 minutes you have scheduled for the special time, put these items on a list that can be put on a calendar for longer family fun times.I often suggest that parents take the phone off the hook for special emphasis that this is special, uninterrupted time. However, one mother would leave the phone on the hook during her special time with her three-year-old daughter. If the phone would ring, she would answer and say, "I’m sorry I can’t talk with you now. This is my special time with Lori." Lori would grin as she heard her mother tell other people how important it was to spend time with her. Teachers may be surprised at how effective it can be to spend two or three minutes after school with a child and NOT talk about the child’s problems. Instead they can ask questions such as, "What is your favorite thing to do for fun?" Then share what you like to do for fun. Students feel very special when a teacher also shares things that reveal who they are as a person. Many teachers have reported that simply spending a few minutes after school with a child for special time has helped the child feel encouraged enough to stop misbehaving, even though the misbehavior is not mentioned during this time. Mrs. Petersen was concerned about a child i

 Connection Before Correction | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: Unknown

The one Positive Discipline Tool I wish I had used more consistently is this: Connection before Correction. Of course, I didn't know what this meant as a young mother, and didn't create it as a Positive Discipline tool until about five years ago. Now we know it is just brain science: children learn (grow, feel safe, thrive) best when they feel connection—or as Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs taught us, "a sense of belonging and significance". Extensive research shows that we cannot influence children in a positive way until we create a connection with them. It is a brain (and heart) thing. Sometimes we have to stop dealing with the misbehavior and first heal the relationship. Connection creates a sense of safety and openness. Punishment, lecturing, nagging, scolding, blaming or shaming create fight, flight, or freeze. One of my favorite examples of “connection before correction” is, “I love you; and the answer is no.” This example also illustrates the Positive Discipline concept of Kind and Firm at the same time. Before sharing more ways to create a connection with children, I want to point out that it is a mistake to think that giving children whatever they want is effective. Rescuing, fixing, and over-protecting are not good ways to create a connection. Effective connections are made when both child and adult feel belonging and significance. Most of the Positive Discipline parenting tools provide skills for creating a connection. They will all be discussed in more detail as we choose a card each week. Following is a preview: Spend special time with children. What could create a greater connection for your child than to know your enjoy spending time with him or her.Listen. Really listen. Stop doing whatever you are doing and give your child your full attentionValidate your child’s feelings. Don’t we all feel connected when we feel understood?Share your feelings and thoughts when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to. Children feel a connection when you respectfully share something about yourself. Respectfully, means no stories about walking miles in the snow.Focus on solutions WITH children after a cooling off period. There is that word "with" again–because it is a golden bridge to connection.Ask curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them. Sincere questions open the heart and the rational brain—equaling connection.Hugs. There are times when all of us need nothing more than a hug.Once the connection is made, children are then open to respectful correction. It is important to understand that "Correction" in the Positive Discipline way is very different from conventional correction. The biggest difference is that conventional correction usually involves punishment (punitive time-out, grounding, and taking away privileges being the most common). In other words, conventional correction consists of adults doing something TO children. Positive Discipline correction respectfully involves children whenever possible, finding solutions WITH them. Two great methods for finding solutions are family or class meetings and joint problem solving. These are powerful tools that respectfully involve children to learn and use their personal power in contributing ways. Connection is created as part of the process. When children feel a connection, they feel belonging and significance. Often that is enough for misbehavior to stop. As you learn about the many Positive Discipline tools, notice that they are all designed to create a connection before respectful correction. To learn more about Connection Before Correction, listen the following excerpt from the Building Self-Esteem Through Positive Discipline lecture. Connection Before Correction Subscribe to Positive Discipline by Email

 Small Steps | File Type: application/pdf | Duration: Unknown

Parents may not realize that doing too much for children (usually in the name of love) is discouraging. A child may adopt the belief "I’m not capable” when adults insist on doing things for him that he could do himself. Another possible belief is “I am loved only when others are doing things for me.” It may be helpful to remember that self‐esteem comes from having skills, and that pampering a child actually discourages him. Stop doing things for your child that he can do for himself and make room for him to practice—even when he does things imperfectly. When he says, “I can’t,” have patience; say, “I have faith that you can handle this task.” Encouraging a child who believes that he is inadequate requires a great deal of patience, gentle perseverance, and faith in the child’s abilities. Success Story We have, not really consistently, been trying to get our son to put his own shoes on when getting ready to leave the house.  Today it was time to get going and I asked him to get his shoes and try and put them on while I was upstairs and that if he needed help I would be down in a little bit. When I came downstairs he was still struggling with the first shoe.  Usually this is when I would just step in and do it for him and, in fact, he was asking me "Mommy, you do it please." But instead of swooping in, I thought about assumed inadequacy. (click here to view the Mistaken Goal Chart) I offered to show him step by step with the first shoe and he then he would try on his own with the second.  So I did that, showed him step by step with the first shoe then offered him the second.  When it was his turn he was struggling but instead of swooping in, I kept encouraging him and reminded him of the steps and he eventually got it himself. When he was done there were a few things I could of corrected (too loose straps, etc.) but, and this was a HUGE success for me, instead of "fixing" it I just let it be figuring if they were actually too loose he would have the logical consequence and we would just stop and he could fix it. This was really a major success for me, not so much my son. I am always just swooping in and doing things for him or fixing his way, and he definitely has some issues with assumed inadequacy as a result. I've really been trying this week to not do that to him. I felt really proud of myself and of him. :) We had another success this week. My son knows when we come inside the house it's his job to take his shoes off and put them away. It was that time and he wasn't wanting to listen. We were on the verge of a tantrum, not really in the midst of it or anything, but just a lot of "no" and laying on the floor not wanting to listen. So I got down on the floor and told him I needed a hug once, to which he responded "no."  Then I said it again, "I need a hug," he looked up and said "huh?" so I said it a third time and he got up and gave me a hug. When we were done hugging I asked him, "What's your job when we come home?" and he sat right down and took his shoes off. It was awesome! If I had argued with him it would have turned into a tantrum, but instead I stopped myself, told him I needed a hug and afterward it's like he almost forgot what he was even protesting. Again a huge success for both of us. Sarah G.Subscribe to Positive Discipline by Email

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