Lou Reads the Internet for YOU!

I have never had sex with a famous person but these people (claim to) have… The closest I think I got was harassing Siouxsie Sioux at a bar once. Wait, there was never any chance of me having sex with her. I was just bugging her. People like to have sex because it fun. But sex with a famous person is so much better, right? Well, the people in these stories proudly claim to have been with famous people, in a biblical way. Or at least they claim to know a person who knows a person…. Well, all that matters is they shared stories. You can choose to believe them or not. I believe everything I read about John Mayer. Enjoy.

Hey, next time your pondering taking that razor blade swallowing bet your friends dared you to do, or you’re about to impale yourself with a giant dildo while on your Lil’ Rascal Scooter, take a moment to think of the men and women who work in the local emergency medical services world. Is your stupidity going to make them have to come over to your house and save your stupid ass? Probably… And then guess what! The story of how they had to come and save you is going to end up on the internet! Yup! This episode is chok’ful of true stories related by the EMS workers of the Something Awful forums. I think that speaks enough for itself. I hope you enjoy it. Sincerely, Lou

Giving voice to stuff you didn't want to hear!

I have no words for how silly this episode is. Look, if you think that your nocturnal emissions, wet dreams, night-spooges, etc… are caused by filthy spirits touching your boy/girl parts, then you should probably get professional help. But, if you don’t want to see a brain doctor then go right on ahead to the dumbness known as Stronghold of Satan. There you’ll find many posts on all manner of silly, bible based views of the world. Well, sorry if I’m wrong about the whole demon-sex thing being really, really, really silly. Because basically if its true, you’re all doomed to constant filthy, ghost sleep-rape just from listening to my podcast… You’re welcome? *shrug*

Ok, so you got your hands on a not-yet-illegal, mega-effective, pharmaceutical grade benzodiazapine. This stuff is so powerful that it makes you forget you took it so you keep taking it until you black out and lose days at a time. So what do you do with it? Why, you just jump right in there. Why not? Sounds awesome, right? Well, unluckily for the people in this episode they basically did just that. Luckily for us, however, they decided to share it on the internet. So, please enjoy these stories of reckless drug adventuring from the pages of The Drug Forum, Erowid & Bluelight. If, after hearing this episode, you think to yourself, “Gosh, I don’t know, that doesn’t sound so bad. Maybe I’ll look into getting some!”, Please seek professional help. Also please try some Krokodil because you’re an idiot.

This week I’m reading from the forums of The-Niceguy.com. If you really don’t like American women then you are going to enjoy this episode. If you ARE an American woman then… why are so terrible? Ask yourself that! Well, if you don’t want to do your introspection this forum and it’s fed-up-with-feminism members will be happy to explain it to and your tiny, selfish brain.

Who hasn’t been intrigued by the mysteries of the Third Sex. Of course I’m talking about those mysterious, curvy women whose panties conceal a hidden wang. Oh the allure of the being with a woman whose big old shlong you go down on and have enter you. Why wouldn’t everyone prefer that? What’s that you say? Oh, hardly anyone is into this? Huh.. well go figure…. So this episode I went to the forums of the Pattaya Ladyboys Forum. It’s a place where men who love woMEN from all of the globe get together to talk about their unusual obsession. I’ll admit that in reading this forum I saw A LOT of naked ladyboys. You know what? Some of them really look like chicks until your eyes wander low enough to see their big old dongs. If you are into that… I guess I’m glad there is a place for you go and talk to other weirds about it. No judgements… (weird).

Look… I know what you did so you should probably just admit it. I mean it will be better than carrying around that guilt with you for years until you share it on a forum on the internet. In this episode you’ll hearing people recounting things they did a children that they are ashamed of. Some of the them trivial, some of the gross and some that maybe seem a little fake… I hope this episode triggers some sort of cathartic truth telling adventure for you in your own life. Isn’t it about time you confessed to that murder? No? Okay, then.

Happy Birthday, America! How are you planning to celebrate? I was hoping you’d say,”Well Lou, I plan to celebrate by listening to a new podcast!” Well, you’re in luck! The latest episode of Lou Reads is out and its true stories about weird encounters at hotels. So if you’ve ever taken a shit in the garbage can next to the toilet while staying at a hotel then this is going to be run of the mill stuff for you. If not, then clutch your pearls because there are some pretty odd tales in this episode. Please enjoy them!

Hey, you! Check this out! Nope. Lower… lower… yup! Thats my self-esteem! Oh you thought I was trying to show you my dick? Well, since its out you might as well look at it, too. Feel free to not be impressed. Ok, so this is a forum where people who are titillated by exposing their junk to unwitting people. Is it sad? Yeah. Are they hurting anyone with their surprise dong exposures? Not physically… but mentally, probably. Well, whatever you think about these unwanted dong viewings this forum serves as a place for guys (and according to the site, girls) to get together and share tips & tricks on how to trick people into seeing their tips… get it? Oh boy, I am way to proud of that joke… Anyway, without further ado, won’t you please enjoy episode 108 of Lou Reads the Internet for you!

Sorry folks! I’m breaking my long running streak of classy, high-brow topics and delving in the gut churning topic of emergency pooping. As a semi-reformed IBS sufferer its a subject near & dear to my heart. doodie.com My only caveat to this episode is that some of peoples stories actually seem like poop stories that they are really proud of. I guess maybe they were non-optimal pooping places but they come off kind of braggy… Whatever. If you’re interesting in reading all 6000+ posts about poop please feel free to check it out here. Reddit, what is the worst place that you have taken a shit?

Thats right, its time to loosen your belt, unbutton your pants and cram just a little more podcast into your fat earholes! Come on, you can do it. Just have someone rub your ears while you’re listening to make sure you take it all in… So this episode I read from a forum called Fantasy Feeder. Its a site that revels the in joys of obesity. How refreshing in this age of soda bans & “healthy” eating to find a site where people dream of weighing so much they are immobile. What luxury! Of course on the other hand these people have some bizarro ideas of whats sexy which is what fetishes are all about. So open that bag of Cool Ranch Tacos from Taco Bell and grab another milk shake and start your way down the path to super sexy flab!

I have to admit, I was getting ready to record something different this week. I was pretty content with my subject. Then something happened. I read a story about the police officer they were calling The Cannibal Cop. The story mentioned that he was on a forum where he and his fellow cannibalism fantasizers hung out and chatted about how awesome it would be to kill and eat people. Unfortunately for this cop his wife found his posts specifically talking about eating her and she called the cops. Luckily for us that story mentioned the forum he hung out at. Unfortunately for me I went there and read from it… for YOU! To be fair this is only one of the many websites the cannibal cop went to but I’m sure you’ll agree this one is enough for now… Right? I’m not sure if enjoy is the right thing to say here… Good luck!

The day is finally here! The day I do an episode that is entirely about fisting! I know you thought the day would never come but I finally worked up the courage to push past the tight ring of my resistance to this topic and punch fist my way to the fantastic forums at fistforum.com. If you’re thinking about getting into fisting this is definitely the place to go as you’ll soon see. And you will see… well… you’ll see A LOT of stretched orifices and fists… mainly… Sooo…. yeah. Fisting… get ready to bear down and take it all deep in your ear holes. Whatever… ENJOY!

Look, we can’t talk here. Obviously, things have been set in motion. The recent events, Sandy Hook, Bengazi, Time Warner Triple-Play, Twinkies, the Super Bowl halftime show and others too obvious to keep listing have set in motion the end of society. So if you’re not a sheeple you need to get your ass to the forums at Survivalist Boards and start getting your Bug Out Location squared away. You know when the SHTF all the unprepared societal leeches in your circle of doomed friends are going to come banging at your door to save them from themselves or from the government. The government they voted for! HA! I hope you enjoy this episode of Lou Reads the Internet for YOU! It was hard to pick what to read from here because it was so full of interesting takes on the world. I hope for our sake these guys are really, really completely wrong about the world. Still, part of me hopes they’re right just because they are obviously really, really hoping things fall apart. I’m sure it would feel great to be SO right about things… once.