Lou Reads the Internet for YOU!

Dudes and dudettes, How many times have you had to have this conversation with your significant other? “Oh man, I don’t want your cousin coming over tonight. Why? Because I just got some amazing weed and I want to try out this sweet new bubbler pipe thingy. Are you kidding me? No he can’t have some. Don’t you remember? He’s going to want to have some of this sticky-icky dank bud and you know he can’t handle his weed!” I’m sorry if I am opening up old wounds. There is hardly anything worse than dealing with people who can’t handle their weed. It’s even worse than watching your dog get run over (This is my way of apologizing to you about that one time, mom). Okay, maybe watching something you love die is worse. But its definitely annoying to say the least to have someone who can’t handle their smoke start acting a fool and harshing your mellow. Join me then, won’t you, as I regale you with tales of marijuana smoking sessions gone wrong. These true tales offered up once again by the lovely people of the internet for your listening pleasure. STORIES OF PEOPLE WHO CAN’T HANDLE THEIR WEED: EDIT FIXED 8/3/09 – RE-FIXED 4/15/2011

Look, of all people, I know what a burden it can be to have an extremely large penis. I mean, the word large is not even descriptive enough to really do it justice. Is there even a word? Gi-dong-gantulous? I would post pics but its kind of like looking at the sun. You should really only do it with protective gear involved. I digress. The Large Penis Support Group is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a forum for men with large peens to get together and talk about the wonderful world of giant dong-dom. Of course there are some women in the mix too. For who is the receiver of all this oversized beef? Oh, right, all the gay guys on the forum. Well there are some ladies on there, too. I didn’t read any of their posts but they are on there. I assure you… Anyway, once again I joined with the SA Goons to explore the depths of the silliness of this forum and we came up with some gems. Won’t you please enjoy my reading of the LPSG. On note: I decided to break out of the mold and read this site in the style of a over-the-top morning DJ so it’s EXTRA stupid but also made me laugh quite a bit. Let me know what you think. LOU READS: LARGE PENIS SUPPORT GROUP (CORNY READ)

Hey did you say are looking for a place to share your story ideas? You know the ones. The really sexy story ideas… Come on. Don’t be shy. Your stories about all the intergenerational incest and pooping and peeing and the corrupted sex and… Oh, that wasn’t you? Huh. I could have sworn it was you. Well then why the hell did I got to the Litrotica forum? Oh right, I went there as another foray of the weekend web a few months ago and so I could do a podcast about it. Thats right. Well if you ever do want to write those kind of stories Litrotica is your kind of place. Anyway, since I thought it was for you I wrote some stories in the vein and I thought… oh… you don’t want to read them? Well I’ll just shoot them to your email and you know, if you’re bored or something… Litrotica is a fast moving community of erotic storytellers and life-livers. Won’t you please listen as I recount some of the wondrous things I found there? Oh the joy! Litrotica: Its not erotic stories about being really drunk or high.

Happy Independence Day, America! Try not to blow off your fingers! Surely as a netizen of the cyberness you’ve come across the term “Poz My Neg Ass.” What do you mean you haven’t? Oh, I forget. You have a life and don’t spend every waking hour thinking about the computer. Anyway… What we have here is a forum for gay men who have or want to have HIV/AIDS. According to Wikipedia: Bugchasing (or bug chasing) is a LGBT slang term for a subculture of Homosexual men who actively pursue HIV infection. Bugchasers seek sexual partners who are HIV positive for the purpose of having unprotected sex and sero-converting; giftgivers (also gift givers) are HIV positive men who comply with the bugchaser’s efforts to become infected with HIV. Yup. Thats right. These people want to get HIV. Once they get it they feel free to have all the anonymous bareback (aka unprotected) sex they can handle with other HIV+ dudes. Now, as you’ll hear some of them aren’t just contented to simply have HIV and give it to people who want it. No, they actively seek to infect people with HIV through deceit or force. Oh what a wondrous world we live in, eh? Well strap your brain down, put the headphones on and get ready to wave off everyone who asks “Why do you have that horrible expression on your face.” They are really better not knowing. If you want to see the work that went into finding some of the best quotes from that site then check out the Something Awful Weekend Web where I found these items to read. This forum caused some of the hardcorest weekend web guys to cringe and refuse to take part. Be glad I didn’t back down! Now, on to the ear hole destruction! Lou Reads: Bareback Exchange Bugchasers Forum

“I can’t believe we have to read all these books over the summer!” If you were like me you said this every single summer after the the summer where books with drawings in them were no longer allowed to count for your book total. Stupid books without drawings in them what with all their words and not drawings in them. Am I expected to imagine what things look like in my mind without the short cut of someone else’s author approved interpretation in illustration form? OH MAN! I am getting heated! These people are also heated. They are all fired up about some classic novels and had to share how much they didn’t like them. ONE STAR! To get you to bother to write a crazy one star review on Amazon you need to really get a person angry. These dead authors should be proud of the hornets nest their words whacked into a frenzy. I hope you won’t give this podcast episode one star… there really isn’t a reason to do so… unless you’re some kind of jerk on the internet… LOU READS: One Star Reviews of Classic Books

This week I suggest you light up a big phat spliff and grab a big old handful of shrooms and melt into your couch as you listen to the fascinating tales of REAL LIFE POT SMOKERS! Yes, I decided to take a walk on the lighter side this week. Sometimes you gotta take a break from all the pedophiles and cuckolded, ruined men and read real true stories from people who just like to get a simple high. I just want you to know the only drug I was on during these recording was procrastination and sleep deprivation. In the future maybe I will use some kind of foreign substance to make the podcast recording more entertaining for myself. Then again I have a hard enough time reading a lot of this stuff without laughing already…. So maybe just Nitrous Oxide? LOU READS: Grass City Forums. 420 Bro! Haw haw! What?

Going places you don't want in your browser history. Lou Reads explores the side of the internet you never wanted to know about and reads it for you. No snappy comments. No insults. Just reading the comments & articles of the web as found. How is that funny or interesting? Well, you'll just have to check it out and decide for yourself!

Hey. Have you been thinking lately that it would be a great idea for your wife to have sex with another man while you watched and were demeaned? Are you thinking about letting someone else get your wife pregnant so you can feel humiliated while also ensuring she comes off looking like a whore? Need some advice about how to keep your groin parts clean when you’re wearing that male chastity belt? Well then you’ve probably already found yourself a home over at Cuckold Place Forums. These guys have some serious issues and they just let the nonsense flow. Not for the weak at heart!

Oh lawdy! Oh Lawdy! Jesus is a-coming! You best be hoping you ready for the judgement day. Oh lawdy! This is a lovely forum called Rapture Ready. It’s full of all kinds of End-of-Days type looneys. It won’t take very long for you to get what is wrong with these kooks. When they aren’t busy praying for the rapture to come and snatch them away from the evils of the world (and coincidentally the mortgage that is about to default.) They rail against imaginary Obama power grabs, why jews won’t just listen to the truths of the Bible and a host of other crap which makes them annoying as shit. Lou Reads posts from the Rapture Ready Kooks

Hello, my internet friends. We are friends aren’t we. Oh… I see… I suppose I overstepped my boundaries. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again. Lets continue in a business-like manner, shall we. I’m glad you’re being big about this… This week I am reading to you from a Something Awful thread entitled “Your Most Embarrassing Moment.” In it people share their lowest moments. These moments are often caused by the story teller being a big dummy and paying the price. As an added bonus this week I have included an unedited version of the carrot story from this podcast. I hope it will let you see that I really do have a hard time reading these things! Enjoy!

Frustrated at work? You’ll relate to these stories then. Listen and enjoy as these people share stories of their annoyance with roadblocks of redtape, stupid people and just plain retarded policies on the job. Lou Reads Stories of Workplace Inefficiency

Yeah, I know, you didn’t need to know that this fetish existed and yet, here you are. This week I am reading from the Dragon Spot forum. It’s a place where people who are crazy for dragons and general animal roleplaying get together to talk about stuff they like…. Like VORE…. Vorarephilia (often misspelled voreaphilia or voraphilia because of their similar pronunciation), also known as phagophilia or simply called vore[1] for short, is a sexual fetish and paraphilia where arousal occurs from the idea of being eaten, eating another, or watching this process.[2][3] The fantasy may include digestion.[3] The word vorarephilia is derived from the Latin vorare (to ‘swallow‘ or ‘devour’) and Ancient Greek φιλία (philia, ‘love‘). (Thanks Wikipedia for being the answer for all the worst things in life!) My friend Finn feels that people who are into this fetish are just broken. Because there is nothing about being consumed alive or swallowing others that fits into the standard sexual realm. Sure, there is often sex involved, as you will soon hear, but seriously its almost always some interspecies rape thing that ends with one of the people being eaten. Also note that the eating is not always via the mouth. I’ll bet you didn’t know that cocks and assholes can eat people, too. Oh you didn’t know that? Thats because you are not an insane person. Please enjoy listening to the not mind safe insanity that is a click away! Lou Reads about Vorarephilia

Please enjoy these two clips from a PBSKids thing I was asked to record for. Unlike with the James Patterson thing, when they asked for a scratch track and then used it for free on national television, I got paid for this one. I had recorded a scratch track for the client and they liked it but went off to get someone else to read it for them. I was just about to head home when I got a phone call from the recording studio. They hadn’t liked any of the talent they hired and the client wanted me to come in for a professional read. This is the result. BIZARRE PBS KIDS Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Hello, friends. This is a commercial I did a scratch VO for. That means I worked at a place and they asked me to record a track for timing. In theory later they’d hire someone to do the “Professional” voice over and pay that person a lot of money to do so. Well they decided to just air what I made and not pay me anything. I tried to get my boss to ask them for money but he didn’t want to rock the boat with the client. The spot ran every morning on the Today Show for like 2 weeks. Then suddenly it started popping up with someone else’s voice track. Then it was gone. JAMES PATTERSON OWES ME MONEY!

Hey, you probably like to go to Six Flags now and then. Who doesn’t? Well no matter how hard you try to enjoy yourself at one of those places the fact of the matter is that you’re going to run into a substrata of human that you don’t normally encounter. These are the failures of humanity. People who just suck in an almost unfathomable way. Whether they are cutting the lines, talking shit about a pretty sunset or just being gross, dumb, ugly people fucking up your experience with their subhuman antics!…. Ahem… I seem to have gotten a little beyond the scope of this podcast. Anyway, these are a just a few of the stories included in the Something Awful comedy goldmine thread entitled “Failures of humanity witnessed at amusement parks” Tales of Failures of Humanity at Amusement Parks