Lou Reads the Internet for YOU!

OH SHIT! There’s cops behind us! What are we going to do? Quick, toss the weed! I can’t get busted in my dads car! Ahhh close calls with the long arm of the law. They’re to be expected in the lives of those who choose to break societies rules. Stupid society always messing stuff up with it’s rules and stuff. This weeks podcast is a collection of stories with shared from the pages of the forums of International Cannagraphic Magazine’s forums. These tales are the true life stories of peoples encounters with the law in which they escaped unscathed (for the most part) from the long arm of Johnny Law. Many more people aren’t quite so lucky when it comes to these kinds of situations! They should probably read up with books like Busted!: Drug War Survival Skills and this guys Never Get Busted Again 1: Traffic Stops (2pc) DVD’s. Hey, it couldn’t hurt! Anyway, these are the stories of the lucky ones. The guys who don’t end up on Cops for having a pipe in their car. Not for lack of guilt, of course! Well lets hope that these kinds of stories are soon a thing of the past because they are the result of a ridiculously draconian drug war. Oops. I’m letting my opinions leak out again! Won’t you please enjoy LOU READS: Tales from the Drug War. Almost Busted Stories.

Oh my gorb! Obamer is going to do something crazy to the werld! His supreme court nomination wants to perform abortions in your living room with a bald eagle beak! Obama wants to change the nation currency to condom, just like Euro-town! Nancy Pelosi is 400 year old alien that needs stemcells to live! Obama and the Democ-rats are are considering making everyone take a shit at the same time. FIGHT THE SOCIALIST NATIONAL POOP CLOCK! Alright, I may be exaggerating what you’re about to hear a little. The GOP forum is pretty boring but is there is also the special kind of crazy there that gives me the

As we learned from the podcast I did for the Large Penis Support Group I am well endowed. I have always heard of there being a race of men who have extremely tiny penii but never really took those stories at face value. Let me tell you something. This may scare you… It is absolutely true. Horrible and awful and true. Oh, my damned eyes! Why have I clicked the links? Was it curiosity or do I just hate myself that much. Visions of vienna sausages and baby mice fill my mind. Luckily for you I went there so you don’t have to. All you have to do is listen to the nonsense that people at MyTinyDick.Net talk about. I warn you, there will be acronyms you’ve never heard of. Like SPH and SPG. These stand for Small Penis Humiliation & Small Penis Glorification. I think if you went to this site your natural inclination would be towards SPE (Small Penis Eradication.) That may sound harsh but I think we’d all be better off…. Won’t you please enjoy listening to the delights to your ears known as Lou Reads: MyTinyDick.net

Hear ye, Hear ye! The Loyal Order of the He-Man Woman-Haters club is officially coming to order. Is there any new business with the LOHMWHC? Ah, yes. There is the matter of deciding where we should all get together online to bitch about how much we hate women. Does anyone have a suggestion that isn’t in Second Life? That gives the creeps. Whats that you say? A forum called Happy Bachelor that is all about men dealing with the mysteries of why women suck so hard and why us poor men even have to deal with broads and whats on their stupid minds. OH MY GOD I HATE WOMEN SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!1 Oh my…. Sorry, I lost control there… Look, just listen to the latest Lou Reads about this. Trust me. I have to go lay down. All this hating is giving me the wind. Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads: The Happy Bachelor Forum

Hey, is it okay if I ask you a stupid question? No? Fine, I’ll just turn to the internet for the answer. Someone out there will know what this thing on my testicle is. Hrrmmm I could go to a medical site… Nah, I’ll just go and ask the brain trust of Yahoo Answers! Why? Because yahoo answers has a wonderful community of people who are apparently constantly looking for questions to answer. Do they have good answers? HELL NO! Why do people ask questions there when the answers tend to be so bad? WHO THE HELL KNOWS! It is a mystery! All I know is that if you type in almost any stupid and outlandish term into the search box you’ll almost always find a topic about it in there! Seriously. Using childish terms increases your chances of finding even worse questions. Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads: Yahoo Answers starting…. now….

Aw Naw! Hellz nah, ya’ll gone up and done it! Ya’ll gone up and done it! Can I get a what what?! Just throw ya hands in the air and wave ’em like you just don’t care! And if you love to listen to podcasts about stupid shit somebody say “INDEED I DO!!!!!!!!!!” Welcome to yet another super delightful episode of Lou Reads! I don’t even know what to say about this forum. It’s a great place to go and see gigantic, frame breaking images, it’s a great place to fine undiscovered hip hop talents and It’s a great place to steal content like movies, music and other stuff! It’s a one stop shop of stuff you could pay for but can’t be bothered to. It’s also a great place to go and read some really stupid arguments and opinions about stuff. When people aren’t talking about he music they are stealing and sharing they are having entertaining arguments. What do you think I focused on? The arguments of course, silly pants. Arguments and conspiracy theories are my bread and butter. Now I didn’t think that there would be anything too crazy on this forum but luckily I was wrong. A lot of it is really boring but when I hit that vein of hilarious dumbness I was pleasantly surprised! I hope you will be too. Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads: The Real Rap Talk Forum.

Do you hear them? The trumpets! The trumpets! Oh lawdy lawdy! Lawdy done come to take me up to my reward!!!! Oh wait. It’s just that guy with the kicking stereo system down the street. Dang. I thought for sure it was the rapture. Sorry everyone, false alarm. You can stop the wailing and gnashing of teeth, I guess. Or wait… Maybe I was left behind? No… No… it was just a false alarm. Yes. Thats it…. I’m not the one who is burning in Hell on earth. Thats going to be you… Which is fine by me…. Oh my. Its the rapture again! Thats right, the fighting jesus is coming and he’s going to be super pissed at what a bunch of jerks you all are. Not me of course. Jesus loves me. Yes he do. Well, if he does its not because of anything I’m doing for him. These people however are placing all their hopes and dreams on getting all rapturized in the near future.  And in their preparation for the end times and tribulations they indulge themselves in trying to decipher the signs god is sending them or the Devil is sending them or someone is sending them. And well they just love to talk about it. So won’t  you join me now as I read for you the kooky ramblings of the fanatics at the Rapture Forums.

Hey there, are you a careless drug user? Do you wake and bake then drive and bake and then work and bake then just bake? Well if you’re a constant drug enthusiast then chances are at some point in the near future you will get into a legal situation for which you are unprepared. Well then, this is the episode of Lou Reads for you! Put those headphones on, light up a fatty and learn something that will blow your mind!!! It doesn’t hurt to throw on a barrister’s wig and maybe cue some episodes of Cops, too. As the podcast will tell you this podcast is not a binding legal contract and the advice given there in is not necessarily 100% accurate for the area you live in. So I don’t want to get any emails where you claim I told you to sass some PoPo and ended up in cooler. Hellz naw! This is just to inform you of things you may not have known about your rights. I hope you enjoy it. If you don’t there really isn’t much you or I can do it  about it. I mean it’s already been made…. can’t go back in time. Oh how I wish I could…. Alight, enough jibber jabber. Listen to the podcast already!

You know, having the number one rated reading disgusting things from the internet for you podcast I get a lot of good suggestions for things to read for you. Well, let me correct that. I get a lot of really not so good suggestions. However, every once in a while I get a real treat. My online friend, whom I only know from chatting with, sent me a link to a real gem. He knew I would enjoy it and I did. What he sent me was a link to the forum at ZooTube365.com. Now, you shouldn’t go there. It’s a hardcore bestiality porn site. Who knew that porn sites had forums? Not me! Anyway, I shared it with Something Awful and we did a weekend web about the forum a few weeks ago. Oh what fun was had! Okay, it wasn’t fun at all. It was actually really revolting and sad. Remember, things can’t be unseen! MY EYES!!!! Well, with that kind of a lead in how could you not listen! Won’t you please join me as I read for you the depths of the horrors of the forums at ZooTube365. If you make it to the end please be sure to do something nice for yourself. You’ll have earned it.

Hey there, Little Junkie! Why aren’t you a cute fella! Whats that you say? You’re looking to score more smack? Ain’t that a might too soon? You was just coming ’round here yesterday. Oh I see. Yer a hurtin’ for some of my sweet skagg. Why I remember when you were just a chippie. Looks like you gotcher’self a full blown habit now, boy. Well, now that you’re a full-time citizen of H-town I think its about time I learned ya on how to traverse this territory without getting burned by other junky douche-bags. So grab a seat and open your stinking ear, laddy. A podcast on that very subject is about… to BEGIN!!!! Hey Lou Reads Army (LRA T-Shirts are not on order… yet) put those headphones on and rush on over to get yourselves a lovely helping of advice for noob junkies. I know, you thought that heroin addicts were just really cool guys who know how to party by tapping into a dream-like state of bliss and didn’t bother anyone. Well as it turns out there is a DOWN SIDE to all this heroin. WHO KNEW?!?! Well luckily some guys on this forum decided to make a nice little guide on how not to get ripped off in the work of Junk. PLEASE ENJOY: Lou Reads: Advice for New Heroin Users

Hello! Oh my, well it has been some time since we sat together, you and I. Yes. Now, lets see. Where were we? Oh yes, I remember now. I was reading the internet to you. Yes, yes. It’s all coming back. This week we visit the loving and caring internet playground of the world of root work, conjuring and wish craft known as The Lucky Mojo Forum. This forum is the offshoot of the Lucky Mojo shop which is a real place in California somewhere and a virtual place in cyber-town. Here forum members can talk about the products for sale and ask advice about how to cast a spell or make a potion. I had to look up a lot of the terminology of the Mojo because who the hell knows what  Nation Sack is? Well its a kind of Mojobag… Anyway, these people love to share their ideas about how craft spells and tricking people into eating menstrual blood. It’s all great fun, you see. Not at all retarded… Won’t you please enjoy LOU READS: LUCKY MOJO FORUM

Going places you don't want in your browser history. Lou Reads explores the side of the internet you never wanted to know about and reads it for you. No snappy comments. No insults. Just reading the comments & articles of the web as found. How is that funny or interesting? Well, you'll just have to check it out and decide for yourself!

Come on. You can’t deny getting a thrill when you thrust that fist into the air and give a throaty yell in the name of all that is good and white and Hitler-y. Yes, thats right. Give into the power of the white side! Why if I wasn’t partially of the mud races who knows. I might be a grand wizard or imperial cyclops by now… Anyway, this week I decided to make up for being late with my podcast by making it extra long and extra dumb. You probably haven’t thought about the trouble true whites have with the concerns of teaching young whites to be concerned about race-mixing or about how hard it is to recruit people to the cause of White National Pride! After this podcast you might even feel sorry for the next skinhead you see. Be sure to give him a pat and tell him its all going to be okay. Then go get a toxic flu vaccine you dirty subhuman illegal! Please enjoy Lou Reads: Stormfront.org.

When I think of the wonders of craigslist I usually think of this type of encounter: Hey, you know how we agreed on that price I was going to pay for you guitar amp? Well, I’m kind of a little short. Do you mind if I give you less than we agreed because I am a faking asshole who is trying to cheat you at the last minute? Cool, I figured you just wanted to get rid of it bad enough to take whatever. Hardy har har. Bye, chump! Well, lo and behold I have come across the greatness of the of the best of craigslist top 100. I don’t know how they come up with this list. Not that it’s unknowable, I just haven’t bothered to look it up. What I do know is that there is a lot of funny crap happening there. So won’t you please enjoy my reading of the Best of Craigslist! LOU READS: The Best of Craigslist Top 100

It’s been a while since I was on The Flophouse Podcast so when I got a chance to contribute I jumped right in. Head flophouser, Dan McCoy, told me he was inspired by my corny announcer read that I did for the Large Penis Support Group and wanted to make his own version. I offered to do it and the rest is internet history. Surely you felt the paradigm shift when I hit save on the voice over file. I Present to you “The Flophouse Movie Minute #28: Criterion Collection” Be sure to check out some of their other full length podcasts. They do a really funny job reviewing bad movies. New full length Lou Reads coming on Friday! I know! Try to look more relaxed. People are starting to stare.