Lou Reads the Internet for YOU! show

Lou Reads the Internet for YOU!

Summary: Lou goes to places you never even wanted to know existed on the internet and returns with a podcast you can't stop listening to. All the posts he reads are real even if you don't want to believe it! Sometimes disturbing, sometimes enlightening but always fun to listen to. Some examples of places Lou has gone are a forum for heroin addicts where junkies share their tips on how to negotiate the world of heroin for new junkies, a different forum where people share their most awkward sexual encounters and yet another forum where teenagers who believe they are vampires tell of the time they discovered their true-selves. The internet changes everyday and Lou is there looking for the craziest and most interesting stuff to read about. Check it out today!

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  • Artist: Lou Reads the Internet for YOU!
  • Copyright: Copyright © King Lou Fernandez, 2009-Present


 Lou Reads about Vampire Awakenings from Sanguinarius | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 32:53

Pity the poor misunderstood vampire! How they must suffer the slings and arrows of the normal world… Okay, I’m not going to sugar coat this. I think people who think they are vampires are retarded. I can understand the idea of playing a role when you get to that awkward “Where do I belong” part of your life but this is just dumb. Basically I found a website that lists the best stories of Vampires realizing they are what they are and they are not at all just normal sad teens looking for a reason they are different. Maybe at one time they would have been considered punks or goths… But no. Instead they are somehow forever cursed vampires who just happen to be teens that are getting older. What… EVER… Okay… In all seriousness, if you are a recently awakened vampire then please go out an buy this book. The New Vampire’s Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night. It could be the difference between a life of running from the Hunters and one of regular teenage nerd stuff! In honor of the dearly departed Wesley Willis…

 Lou Reads: OFEAR.com the Phobia Forum | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 41:12

Its time to look deep inside yourself and think about what terrifies you. Not rational fears like death or loss of your job. Things that terrify you irrationally. Well if you are a’fear’d of anything irrationally and need a place to see if you’re not alone then ofear is the place for you. Without further delay I present to you the ofear.com forum read from Lou Reads. If you are afraid of listening to the podcast I recommend you go to ofear to see if there is such a thing as Podcastophobia.

 Lou Reads: Rantallion – The Low Hanging Balls Support Group | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 35:40

I know, you’re saying “Finally! A podcast that is all about guy stuff!” Yes, I finally gave in and did a podcast about everyones favorite subject: Guys with really long balls. Low Hangers they call them. Apparently there are guys out there with naturally saggy or droopy testicles and this forum is where they get together to chat about how apparently great it is. Now some people weren’t born with this “gift” so they resort to all manner of cock and ball torture to lengthen their scrotums. It’s really quite insane. Please heed this warning: If you have a weak stomach do not go to this website. Even I had to stop looking at it and my eyes have seen some seriously awful stuff! Without further ado won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads the forums of Rantallion AKA The Low Hanging Support Group. If you’re up for you it can read more about it at the Something Awful Weekend Web thread about the this site and one that is for people who like not wear underwear.

 Lou Reads: The Sneeze Fetish Forum | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 37:56

Have you ever heard someone sneeze and gotten totally turned on? How about you heard someone with a stuffed up nose trying to talk and gotten super aroused by it? No? Well, then you’re a normal person who is not at all very weird at least in the whole sneeze fetish sense. You may be an absolute weirdo about something else.. Look I’m not judging you. That is unless you’re already a member of this forum and thats because these people are very weird and the thats because they are sneeze fetishists. They proudly wave their freak flags in the safe haven of the appropriately named Sneeze Fetish Forum. If you don’t get what they are into you’re just being obstinate. Now one thing I found really interesting in the posts I read was that no one on this stupid forum ever talks about actual sex. Just that they love sneezes and get all frustrated or how they are going to explode. Where is the release, people? Anyway, you may not believe your ears when you hear the absurdity of this podcast. But it takes all kinds I guess… Just be aware that the next time you sneeze someone nearby may just be getting a boner (or explode-y)  because of it…. Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads The Sneeze Fetish Forums!

 Lou Reads: The Poop Report Forums. The Scoop about Poop! | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 30:46

So it has come to this. An actual website dedicated to talking about poop. Sure, people have issues with their poop. It’s a dirty shameful business. But the levels of hang-ups people have with their pooping is pretty out there. Believe me, I’ve seen it all working at a university. I’ve even ecountered people who actually do some of these things discussed in this weeks podcast. See if you can’t figure out which one matches this picture that I actually made for the bathroom on my floor. At least the person who smears poop all over the stall only struck once. There really isn’t much to say about this site except to acknowledge that there are some severely damaged people in this world. And this week their damage is all about the poopin’ and the fartin’! Enjoy listening to your poop chat from Poop Report dot com.

 Lou Reads: Stories of Awkward Sex Times (NSFW) | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 33:00

You’re probably like, “Why you gotta do another sex podcast, you pervert.” Look, I am old. So fucking old. I am living vicariously through you good people and all your fucky sucky stories. Even the ones where things go terribly wrong. At least then I come out a winner because even though I am not having sex* at least it isn’t the terrible awkward kind these people are having. Once again I’m delving into the wonderful world of the Something Awful forums to share what they have shared with the world. As always, the Goons spin some of the best yarns around! Won’t you please enjoy the Stories of Awkward Sexual Encounters. *Authors note: I have had sex recently. It was not awkward. ** Double Authors note: Also, I was just listening to this podcast at work and discovered that people tend not to like hearing about sex in general, in public. Oh society, when will you catch up with me? Get crackalackin!

 Lou Reads: Witch Forums. Spirit Attacks and Ouija Boards, OH MY! | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 30:53

So you wanted another podcast even though I’ve been sick? So Mote it Be! This week I delved into the wonderful world of  Witchcraft at WitchForum.Net. This is another of the fabulous forum featuring people who happen to actually appear to believe they are doing magic. Luckily we are spared the bloody mess of the Lucky Mojo Forums read. But that doesn’t mean it gets any less stupid. In high school my girlfriend was into Wicca and being the asshole I was back then I never missed a chance to mock and scorn it. Later in life I felt regret for being as asshole about the whole thing. After reading this forum I don’t quite feel so bad anymore. These people are nuts! Through her Wicca connections I met a another Wiccan kid in high school who proudly claimed he gave one of the guys in Duran Duran a blowjob so you know that magic works! Well, if you’re ready to listen to the podcast then cast a protection circle around your headphones and imagine your sanity in an orange aura of serenity. You’re gonna need it! ALSO! Listen all the way to the end of the podcast to hear the details of how to get my Lou Reads special give away! What is it? ITS A MAGNET THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS!!! OMGWTFBBQ!!! Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads the forums of WitchForum.net

 Lou Reads: The Avatar Forum | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 36:34

Kaltxi Ayeylanur oeyä! Let me tell you, it was harder than mounting my first Ikran to get through this episodes forum. At least with the Ikran you know its either going to work or you’re going to die. With the Avatar Forum I often wished I would die and yet did not. Both feats took amazing force of will so, you know… I got that going for me. Plus I got me a Ikran bird-dragon to ride… which is nice. Seriously though, when is the last time a movie was so amazing that it made people so crazy they were depressed they couldn’t live on the fake planet in it. It wasn’t Planet 51, I can assure you. Anyway, these people love Avatar. They love it hard and long. If they spent 1/4 of that energy working on the planet they live on instead of wishing they were blue or having sex with a blue person (I get kinda depressed sometimes. Does that count for blue?) … well you get the idea. You probably didn’t read this far… sigh. But if you did… THANKS! Without further ado won’t you please enjoy THE AVATAR FORUM

 Lou Reads: The Dick List | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 20:14

Oh Ladies. I am so sorry you have to put up with us horrid and flawed man-creatures. For too long there was no where outside of coffee klatch or lesbian book store that women could go to complain about men in a widely available manner. Well, back in the early days of the inter-web-tubes one woman realized that she could use the internet to fashion her rage at men into a sharp pokey-poking stick to jab at men and reveal them for the dicks there are. Thus was born “The Dick List” and I stumbled upon it back in the early 2000’s. I was just reminded of it by a comment here at Lou Reads and I decided to go back and see if it was still around. Alas, it had been lost to the internet sands of time. Struck down by the cruel reality of domain registration lapses. Luckily archive.org still had some of the hilarious complaints stored. I barely scratched the surface! Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads: THE DICK LIST.

 Lou Reads: Drug Trip Reports from Bluelight | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 47:29

I love when people share their stories with me. Thats why I love the interwebs. It’s all people sharing all the time! Well this episode I’m revisiting some of my favorite kinds of sharing! I love when people talk about their drug experiences. Good or bad I think what people experience in their altered states is hilarious. I mean who can’t relate, right? You’re probably on drugs right now you dirty hippy. Anyway, I love drug trip stories. They are part confession, part bragging and part warning all in one. If someone tells you a story about having a close call with a drug they may really be warning you not to do it but in their heads they are shining their knuckles on their lapels and checking their nails. They are head-space explorers, you pissant! Lou Reads in no way condones all this illegal drug use. You should definitely not do drugs around Lou. Specifically do not say Crack or Freebase…. unless you got some…

 Lou Reads: Steady Health Forums. How Body Werks? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: Unknown

Dear people. Please pay attention when you are in school. Especially when you are in sex education class! For the love of god don’t just giggle and guffaw through it or you might end up like these poor people. As you will soon hear these fools are busy at work asking the internet things they should have learned in school or asked a doctor about. Some of these questions aren’t stupid but odd. What I found most amazing was the amount of people claiming to have the exact same issues. What are the chances that you’ll find 15 women who recently had abortions who want to talk about it on a random health forum. Well one thing is for sure. The women at SteadyHealth.com are easy and won’t make you wear a condom. Won’t you please enjoy LOU READS THE STEADY HEALTH FORUMS.

 Lou Reads: The Daily Diaper! A Place for Adult Babies. | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 30:13

What is there to say about adults that like to dress up like babies and poop and pee in their diapers? Besides shunning them and calling them on their twisted shit? Not much really. I mean these people are seriously damaged. They crave a simpler time. And somehow this time is directly tied to being able to take a shit in their pants. I don’t blame you if you’ve already closed the window. Why this is a simpler time I don’t know. I mean it harkens back to when someone had to take care of you but somehow dressing like a baby doesn’t seem like a stress reliever to me. Nor does filling my pants with waste. Oh, I’m sure it’s MUCH deeper than that for these poor souls. Or maybe not…. This particular fetish is one I find super stupid. It combines play acting, effort and just so much nonsense that I can’t even entertain it. Yes, I am judging you, freaks. Wahhhhh. Without any more delay won’t you please enjoy the grand stupidity known as the forums at the Daily Diaper. GAGA GOO GOO!!! WAH WAH!!!

 Lou Reads excerpts from a Graffiti forum. | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 36:00

Yo, Player! Yo, check it out. We gonna go do that crime tonight? You know the one with the spray paint? You know the one where other people within our specific subculture will notice our markings, potentially recognize them and appreciate or hate on them where as the rest of society will frown upon them? Yes, we’re going out to do graffiti paintings on stuff. That is what I am talking about! Oh, boy I hope that you don’t think talk about graffiti is boring because thats what this weeks podcast is all about! Thats right, jerks from all over the world sharing their love of doing “art” on public and private property alike. Now before you think I am being an ass about the subject know this: I was fully immersed in this subculture in the mid 1980’s! The above video is actually me doing some graffiti in the 80’s for a bad video performance art class I was in at the time. My FAIL tag was 20 years ahead of FAILBLOG! Be sure to read the comments on that video. People DO NOT LIKE IT. Anyway, won’t you please enjoy this podcast about Graffiti and how to do it and not get caught… or if you’re caught how to not talk to the cops…

 Lou Reads: Puking and Burning and Dumbness | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 31:06

Oh man there is nothing more disgusting than a fat bitch. Am I right? I mean seriously guys, you’re with me on this one, right? I can’t stand these “regular” chicks saying how fat they are. Shut the fuck up and do something about it! These super sexy people have it all figured out! Thats right, I’m talking about Anorexics and Bulimics. Why don’t you follow what these chicks are doing and join the ranks of the super sexy! Like this hotness! HUBBA HUBBA ZERO BLUBBA! Oh I know what you’re going to say. “Oh Lou, these people have a problem!” Yeah they do. Its turning down dates!!! Who isn’t going to ask for that the number of someone that hot!? Thats what I thought. Thanks for being honest! Another nice thing about dating these super hot skeleton ladies is that they usually have friends who are into Self Mutilation. As long as you don’t invest yourself emotionally with these chicks it can be a hell of a ride! Oh and if you’re interested in following in the footsteps of this babe I’m including this handy diet chart for you. Learn it, live it, LOVE IT! Won’t you join me now as I fill your Christmas ears with tales of people who are dying to be thin and hurt themselves to remember what it’s like to feel. Because if there is one constant truth in this world its that people are super duper crazy and I like to read about it. THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO LISTENS AND HAS MADE LOU READS SO FUN TO DO! Also, just in case you’re wondering the music for this episode came from the Something Awful Goon’s Xmas Album. You can find the whole thing for free here.

 Lou Reads: Stories of Shameful Hookups | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 25:53

Who hasn’t been there? You go out and the opportunity presents itself for some quick boning. The circumstances and the person at hand aren’t perfect but you’re determined to bust a nut or get filled up (or whatever means sex for your type of body) so you go for it. Everything fine until you’re done and then your guilt based programing kicks in and you start to feel bad about it. Does this describe you? Hell yeah. Does it describe me? Hell no! Mainly because I was always clueless to when a girl liked me and was too busy dreaming of the day I would have stuff to make a podcast about. Okay, so you and I don’t have that much in common but you and these guys sure do. They’ve lived the deeds and feel okay enough with their deviant lustful acts to share them. Won’t you please join me know as we take a virtual walk of shame with these brave folks in the podcast known as “STORIES OF SHAMEFUL HOOKUPS!” Sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled. And won’t you also enjoy the above music video by the sexy and talented lady known as Shayna Ferm. I know her from my sketch comedy and improv days. She’s a nice lady.


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