Read it and Weep
Summary: Read it and Weep is a good podcast about bad books, movies, and TV. Each week 2.5 comedians and a guest make fun of things like Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, Dear John by Nicholas Sparks, Going Rogue by Sarah Palin, and anything Keanu Reeves has been in.
It's been several days since we recorded this episode reviewing George W. Bush's self-serving memoir. Just like him, we've learned nothing from reflecting on his presidency. But whereas he thinks he was an awesome president, we don't know what he is. So we try to figure out by playing a game called "Evil, Stupid, or Crazy?" Is Bush doing things that he knows are wrong? He's evil. Does he not know what he's doing? He's stupid. Does he think what he's doing is right because he doesn't see what's actually going on in the world? George W. Bush is crazy.
The second half of The Power finally reveals Rhonda Byrne's true intentions. The greatest power in the universe should be used to get money, seduce husbands, and save on medical bills by dying of curable diseases. We attack all three of these plans by showing that a love-alanche doesn't necessarily bring a cash-alanche. And by relating everything back to cake. Will the Law of Attraction bring us cake? Tune in next week to find out.
Today's guest "Kerr" has a mediocre blog - This Blog Has A Title. Having already reviewed The Secret and failed to achieve fame, fortune, and magic, we embark on its sequel, The Power. Rhonda Byrne tries to capitalize on her previous success by writing exactly the same book. As such, we make exactly the same jokes about it. Clarezra Explains It All in our new favorite feature, and clears up many confusing aspects of the book. Afterwards, we attempt to recreate the amazing audio book production by creating our own sound effects. For one reason or another, we imagine what it would be like to go down on Stephen "Jesus" Strasburg.
Jacewoww joins us again as we limp to the finish line with our favorite gang of Cheetoes. In this episode we force ourselves to take bold stances on the Maxipad incident, vehicular smushage, acid sweat, and death by hovercraft. Snooki further endears herself to us by having T. rex arms, killing lobsters with kindness, and not understanding if pickles are a type of food. An added bonus, this review of Jersey Shore was made with real quotes from the Situation, who has ruined that word for us forever.
When the government loses control of their evil creation, a half-shark half-octopus that makes no physical sense whatsoever, it goes on a killing spree along the beaches of Mexican tourist towns. Are you filled with questions at this point? We were too, but that's why we followed our Compliment Sandwich with a new segment called Clarezra Explains It All. Then, we try to answer the age old question, who would win in a fight, Sharktopus, Space Shark, or Ghost Shark? After a lively discussion, we opt to settle things in a three-way rap battle. Next up it's the return of Lightning Bonus Round.
Stephanie Meyer didn't try very hard on this book so I won't try very hard on this summary. Basically, we shit on her new novella and along the way discuss how much fun it would be to lick-em stick-em with vampire body parts, what vampire sex is like (hint: don't use venom as lube!), and which Twilight characters would make the best super heroes. Oh, and as a bonus, we name a listener's baby using our patented Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator.
When the Internet says something is terrible, you'd do well to believe it. Behold, the worst movie the world has ever seen! The Room is a transcendent kind of bad. Past painful bad. Past funny bad. Past forming a cult and watching it at midnight bad. This kind of bad is the elusive none-more-worse bad that we've hunting for since we've started the podcast. In this episode we enter the Actor/Writer/Producer/Director's Studio with genius Tommy Wiseau, we linger over the finer details of The Room's steamy R-rated scenes (pillow fights, melting ice sculptures, and awkward use of rose), and we look at numerous other parts of the movie that have, ahem, ROOM for improvement.
Two! Four! Six! Eight! What's a show we really hate? Hellcats! Hellcats! Gooooooo to Hellcats! After a stirring motivational speech from Alex, we take to the Internet waves ready to become champions. With the podcast championship approaching and our star guest sidelined by an injury, we're forced to make fun of Hellcats a man short. Fortunately we have a promising young townie try out for the position by telling a story about sandwiches and hippies. While we wait for the replacement to be ready, we amuse ourselves by pitting the shallow characters of Hellcats against each other in a thrilling Race to the Bottom and have an emergency, 60-second No-Judgement Joke Off. Hellcats isn't just bad, it's bad for the CW, which is saying something.
MTV airlifted the cast of Jersey Shore to a new home in Miami and our team is there to cover it. Unfortunately, confusion is our most common emotion. Do we love this show or hate it? Are these people awesome or lame? Who smushed Vinnie's bread? To deal with these and other questions, we trade in our usual Hates for Hateliments. Then we play a game called Douche or Not Douche. Finally, we read fan mail about Nazis. Special guest Jace is live in studio and Ezra is reporting live from his new home in *BEEP*.
Our intrepid heroes pack up all their clubbing shirts and their hair gel, and head down to the Jersey Shore. Fortunately for them (since they had to watch 9 hours of it), it turns out to be the good kind of bad. Rather than hating it, they decide to give out awards to the cast of Jersey shore for categories like Douchiest male in a leading role. Best parenting award. The little vocational achiever's award. They also joke off all over each other [Editor's note: Really?][[Other Editor's Note: Yes. This is a great joke.]] and play a game called "Is That A Breakup Worthy Offense?"
Several fans asked to get this song as a separate file and full lyrics. Unlike Space Shark, I live to serve. -Alex (aka MC 'e') ------ Singing / Yelling ----- Space Shark! Space Shark! Space Shark! Space Shark! He's a friend to all and a ruthless killer. Space Shark! He's a sci-fi action comic thriller. Space Shark! NASA tried to shoot him but the missile was a dud. Space Shark! He frolics with space kittens and he thirsts for your blood. Space Shark! Space Shark! Oooo oooo ooo. Space Shark! Space Shark! Oooo oooo ooo. Space Shark! Oooo oooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo. ------ Rap Breakdown ----- What's that up there? Do you see it? Hark! Is it a bird or a plane? No it's motherfucking space shark. telescope, watch him move across the sky He never stops moving otherwise he'll die It's the Space Shark duality, benevolent depravity Flying and killing, without the pull of gravity He lurks around you in your space station He's about to get all up in your international face-tion Nothing can beat his shark mystique In space, it's always motherfucking shark week Bubble helmeted, mustachioed When Space Shark goes out, he's a classy ho If you want to stay out of trouble Don't tap the glass on his helmet bubble Never moon walk after dark. If you can avoid it, don't bleed around Space Shark If you've got to go out, use the buddy system And if you rap don't ever dis him He's your best friend, if you don't provoke If you start some shit, you'll need a bigger space boat Look out above and underneath 'cause there's fish out of water with serrated teeth Tail thrusters and a dorsal fin. Don't arm wrestle with him 'cause of course he'll win! Space Shark!
The finale of Glenn Beck's book has it all- electrocution, nuclear suicides, a Natalie Portman doppelganger... pretty much everything but logic. Episode highlights: Space Shark's theme song! More things Glenn Beck doesn't understand. The writer's workshop with Glenn Beck! Ezra and Stephen's dueling Audible ad! Metaphors lodged in baked goods! And some more!
Another week, another reason to throw Glenn Beck out of an Overton Window. It's not possible for a thriller to be less thrilling or writing to be less well written. We take the middle third of the book down with Hate-o Polo, More Things Glenn Beck Doesn't Understand, and a game called "When God Closes A Door He Opens An Overton Window." Other episode highlights include: Space Shark: friend or foe. Alex wants to get shot in the face with cookie bullets. Get down to some jail funk. Really, really, really don't tease the panther. He's got some serious self-confidence issues. and Alex invents a lady-compass.
Whoa. Thank goodness I found you when I did. The world is out of control. Boys are hitting on girls they're not married to, the tax code is too long to read in a single sitting, and the police are arresting people for getting together with groups of like minded people to drink shitty American beer. Where's the line between fact and fiction in Glenn Beck's alleged thriller, "The Overton Window"? Just like the plot, it's murky. Episode highlights include: Fact + fiction = faction. Jelly + ham = jam. We compile a staggering list of things Glenn Beck doesn't understand. From Turbo Tax to clothing sizes. A special phone call from Admiral Compost And much more! Today's guest is Dru Johnston and he makes very funny videos on the Internet.
Ezra's travels in Italy continue, but he can't fully enjoy them because Twilight and Eat Pray Love references keep popping up. Check out the Edward and Jacob ice cream bars.