Read it and Weep show

Read it and Weep

Summary: Read it and Weep is a good podcast about bad books, movies, and TV. Each week 2.5 comedians and a guest make fun of things like Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, Dear John by Nicholas Sparks, Going Rogue by Sarah Palin, and anything Keanu Reeves has been in.

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 Breaking Dawn Movie Part 2 Review | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 37:52

IT'S FINALLY OVER!!! I can't tell you how excited I am that the Twilight Saga is over. Okay, I'll tell you. Very. I'm very excited the Twilight Saga is over. So excited I made a cartoon and a rap summarizing Breaking Dawn. And barring Steph Meyer writing more books or the movies being rebooted or any number of other things, we're done forever. Now all we'll have to do is read all the fan fiction that's gotten turned into actual fiction. Sigh. For the final installment, Summit Entertainment did a couple interesting things. First, they added a huge battle sequence that didn't happen in the book. Sure, it's just a dream battle sequence, but it's still awesome. Jasper's head gets ripped clean off. So great. They also added a long, wedding-video-esque ending saying goodbye to all the actors. It's stupid, but it made the people in the theater cry, so that's fun. Thanks for everybody who called to say goodbye to Twilight.

 Breaking Dawn Review Part 4 of 4 | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 40:56

And with that, it's over. Twilight is over. Unless Stephanie Meyer writes more books, which she's threatened, but WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS! Breaking Dawn doesn't end with a climax, like a normal book would. Instead, some tense negotiations lead to everybody getting what they want. Yay! The Twilight series is like March. It comes in like a sad lion at the zoo and goes out like a sad lion at a zoo. In other news, Bella has a baby and they're both allowed to live (?) which means she's super happy and nobody in the story has grown or changed except Charlie's mustache which has grown a bit but was trimmed back to avoid it changing. GOD I HATE THIS SERIES. Twilight, it is with that I say to you, goodbye, good riddance, R.I.P., and yuck.

 Breaking Dawn Review Part 3 of 4 | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 42:13

The first half of Breaking Dawn is bananas. The third quarter is straight comedy. Bella is a vampire, and this only makes her a more annoying version of herself. She can think about nothing much faster, bite her lip much harder, sigh and whine much more perfectly. Everybody sits around and watches the baby's mind movies and talks about how happy and in love they are. And there's some sex. A note about the sex: did you know vampires do it non-stop because they don't need to breathe or rest? I know! Gross! And when they first marry, they do it for a decade solid and destroy whole houses with their love making. I know! An adult wrote that! I feel like we got Monkey's Pawed with the sex; we wished for it, but it was much worse than we could have ever imagined. Stick around next week for the last episode about a Twilight book we'll ever have to do. Unless...

 What Really Happened Review | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 43:53

If you're ever running for president, do yourself a favor: don't sleep with Rielle Hunter. I don't know if "What Really Happened" is true or not. But the sad thing is, if it is, Rielle Hunter and John Edwards are both stupider than what we ever knew. They're petty, vindictive, whiny, defensive, and most of all, dumb as an empty can of Mountain Dew. Hunter is a former coke head and current "life coach." She thinks the rhythm method is a reliable form of birth control but doesn't know which part of the rhythm is which. She doesn't understand why people care about her affair with a man while he's running for president and his wife is dying of cancer. Edwards has never used an ATM before, thinks spending campaign money to bring his mistress with him as he campaigns is a good idea, and had an affair with a "life coach." Both of the them thought making a sex tape was a good idea. OH. MY. GOD. Why would you make a freaking sex tape? You are both the dumbest. If you need to know what really happened, read the book. But if you'd prefer to not hear any more about these two insane people who don't deserve any more attention, then listen to this podcast and then forget about Rielle Hunter and John Edwards forever.

 Daughter of the Blood Review - Part 2 of 2 | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 41:06

If the first part of Daughter of the Blood was all about men getting castrated, this half is the author trying to justify it. The second half is almost entirely about pedophiles. Even the hero, who is saving the future witch queen from pedophiles, is himself secretly in love with her despite the 700+ year age gap. They don't hook up in this book, except in the spiritual realm, but he still fantasizes. The only trouble with the summary I've written so far is it sounds clear. Daughter is not clear. It's the most convoluted battle between pedophiles and castrators you'll ever read. Fortunately, with the help of the game One Change, we show that it could be salvaged. Just be standing by with a lot of kitten pictures.

 Daughter of the Blood Review - Part 1 | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 40:05

If you have or like balls, do not read Daughter of the Blood. It's a fantasy book where women rule the world and, emboldened by their 30% pay raise, start chopping off some nuts. Jeanelle is the young witch that has been foretold will rise to power in the dark world (which is called Hell but might not be that hell). Her family thinks she's crazy, but she makes powerfull friends like Saetan (who is the dark lord of Hell but isn't that Satan) who teach her the craft. She also makes some powerful enemies like a couple of queens who I couldn't keep straight. The Jeanelle story sort of disappears for a while during which time a prostitute kills men who sleep with her (they're men, they deserve it) and the queens cut off men's balls for entertainment, It's sick, disgusting, filthy, offensive, and really confusing. Don't read it.

 Aabra Ka Daabra Review | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 57:53

In a faraway land called India, the rules are different. People drive on the wrong side of the road, eat curries that actually taste like something, and make movies that are blatant rip offs of other movies. One such film is Aabra Ka Daabra, a bizarre mash-up of Harry Potter, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Casper. Wizards are real, but the only way to get into wizarding school is by finding a golden ticket inside a biscuit. Once you get into this magical school, life isn't easy. You're picked on constantly and if you happen to lose at magic carpet flag ball, you might get expelled. Then there's whole other weird debacle about a magician who is actually a wizard and was dead for a while but isn't dead anymore because he created the fountain of youth but he won't give it to Dumbledore-Snape (in this, the same person and played by a woman). She puts her soul into a bird and is defended by a purple skull bat that is the evil equivalent of the character that looks like Casper but acts like Tinkerbell. It's a mess. For a full recap, read this episode's sponsor's version:

 Wizard's First Rule Review Part 2 of 2 | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 46:38

We hoped this book would get better. We really did. Partially because we're optimists, and partially because we had no idea that there was a 100+ page sex-torture subplot. The second half of Wizard's First Rule features less walking and more magical coincidences. The good guys defeat the bad guys using all the skill, courage, and super convenient plot devices they could muster. Oh, and the bad guy is secretly the good guy's father. How original. As excited as we are to learn about the wizard's second through Nth rules, we'll probably stop here. It was kinda fun at times, but all the dragon riding and spell casting is way diminished by the scene where the guy eats his own balls. Seriously. The wizard's first rule should be "The world is super gross."

 Wizard's First Rule Review Part 1 of 2 | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 54:19

Lord of The Rings is pretty good, right? Terry Goodkind thought so too. That's why he ripped it off. For 900 horrible pages. Richard Cypher is young not important person who is suddenly thrown into a long adventure with the help of his old wizard friend using the magic power handed down to him by Gollum. Additionally, the book's kinda messed up. The main bad guy likes to kill people and play in their gore. His side kick is a pedophile. And the wizard falls in love with a one-footed bone horder. Gross. We only listened to the first 15 hours of the audiobook. We'll see you again next week for more torture.

 Star Trek: The Next Generation - A XXX Parody - Review | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 52:41

We've reviewed almost everything at this point. Books, movies, TV shows, fan fiction, even the royal wedding. But this week we do something that we've joked about for a long time but never thought we'd have to. This week, a listener took us up on our dare and sponsored some porn. And not just any porn. It's a high-budget (relatively speaking) plot-heavy (relatively speaking) masterpiece (relatively speaking. It's eerily like a real episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation except this one has lots and lots of sex on the holodeck. Don't believe me? Check out this version on YouTube, which somebody took the time to post after editing out ALL THE SEX: We've also got a super awesome guest this week, the hilarious and totally famous Jackie Kashian!

 A Celebration of Nicolas Cage | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 60:32

Early in the afternoon, on the first day of September, a group of Seattleites wearing wrist bands lined up outside of the Vera Project to see something special. Yes, it was a live taping of our podcast but more importantly it was a celebration of our second favorite actor of all time, the great Nicolas Cage! We joined together as a community in celebrating three of Nic's finest works: City of Angels, wherein Mr. Cage plays an angel of death determined to have sex with Meg Ryan; Wicker Man, wherein Mr. Cage is murdered by a creepy cult to make the bees happy; and Ghost Rider wherein Mr. Cage... I'm not really sure. There was a motor cycle and a flaming skull. That's all I can figure out. It was such a blast and we really appreciate everybody who came out and saw the show. We can't wait to do another live show.

 My Immortal Reviewed Kinda | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 47:45

It takes a lot to be crowned "Worst Fan Fic of All Time." It takes almost too much. So while My Immortal has held that title for some time, we are the anti-doping body and we're here to investigate. My Immortal is Harry Potter fan fiction, imagining a world where Harry and the gang are all goth kids that wear eye liner, cut themselves, and have sex with each other all the time. Sometimes in front of Hogwarts teachers. It's a sad, scary world and the plot doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But as you read, little things start to stick out to you. The spelling is bad, but it's bad in a very particular way that feels purposeful. Characters from other works are mixed in, like Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings. Oh, and it's too funny to be an accident. We comb over the work looking for clues like these and in the end, decide it is probably troll fiction. And that makes it both less good, and less bad, than we were originally led to believe.

 Three New Reality Shows | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 58:13

It's August again and that means time for TV networks to drop their biggest turds on America. This year we pick three fine examples of cheap summer programming. Stars Earn Stripes is NBC's post-Olympic explosion fest. Fake celebrities shoot real guns at fake enemies. They win real money for real charities but mostly they just talk about how great the military is. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is TLC's spinoff of Toddlers in Tiaras. If you're the most messed-up family on T in T, you are a train wreck of epic proportions. And if you're a train wreck of epic proportions, you're on TLC. Oh Sit! is a game show on the CW that you've never heard of. It's like musical chairs but ... more complicated. You'll never hear about it again.

 Wings Reviewed | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 50:19

We've covered it all before on this show. Awkward new girl, love triangle, a human having sex with a magical creature, trolls, faeries, people with outrageous accents, the whole works. I guess a flower growing out of a girl's back that can be pollinated is kinda new, but it's hard to shock us anymore. Wings follows the formula set forth in Twilight: a girl who doesn't know she's beautiful moves to a new town. With the help of two guys who fall in love with her instantly, she goes on a journey of self discovery. In this case the girl is the freak instead of the boy, but that's not a huge twist. It turns out she's a faerie and then, at the very end, some plot shows up. Since we've done this kind of thing so much, we play Marry Boff Kill with other YA fantasy mainstays: vampires, fallen angels, and faeries. We also help people remember to tell their parents if they have plants growing out of their backs.

 Ice Rapper Movies | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 60:11

In our most specific topic selection to date, we dive into three movies featuring rappers-turned-actors with Ice in their names. Vanilla Ice melts our hearts in Cool as Ice. Ice Cube is solid in xXx: State of the Union, and Ice-T is totally chill in Tank Girl... where he plays a kangaroo with a $5,000 dick. It's hard to say which is our favorite. V Ice is amazing in his 90s pants and his reckless acting. The movie makes about as much sense as the song "Ice Ice Baby" and is much longer. But there's something about him that's so bad it's good. Ice Cube is hard to like but fun to root for. Vin Diesel turned down the xXx sequel, so Cube jumps in as the secret agent with a bad attitude. And then some gangstas in souped up cars save America. Tank Girl is a train wreck and Ice-T is barely in it. But just like with the aforementioned kangaroo schlong, you can't look away. It's joy on the rocks in this week's episode. If you've got an idea for an ultra-specific movie marathon, let us know in the comments!


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