Planet of the Grapes show

Planet of the Grapes

Summary: Don't you wish the world were a little stranger? Then tune in to Planet of the Grapes Radio, where the border between reality and the surreal disappears. Join the hosts of POTG Radio as they speak to their ludicrous, opinionated, and sexually ambiguous line of callers. Discover the grueling occupation of The Afterbirth Fairy, why harlequins and motorcycle gangs hate each other, and who owns real estate in the Sphinx's nostrils. Through their exclusive callers, POTG Radio makes the universe a much bigger and livelier place. It's absurd, sick, random humor at its finest. Haven't you heard? www.planetofthegrapes.com

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  • Artist: Planet of the Grapes
  • Copyright: © 2012 Planet of the Grapes

Podcasts:

 Take Me to the River | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

Teriyaki Boy, owner of a chain of NYC Japanese fast food restaurants, is called in response to one of the POTG Radio hosts having been sick from the food recently. Apparently, Teriyaki Boy knows New York's own East River, who tries to be civil at first but can't resist being filthy and controversial. Teriyaki Boy also apparently dated Paris Hilton, who calls.\n Adding to the fray with the East River and Teriyaki Boy, TV icons Arnold and Webster call to debate Teriyaki Boy's claim that he is immortal. They believe only they are immortal. The US Coast Guard is called in, and plans hatch to bring some of the East River's water to Egypt, now run by Elton John.\n You'll also hear from casino maven Rhinestone Ugluliat, and from wrestlers Squid Man and John the Baptist, members of billionaire Lipton LaMask's elite wrestling circuit. LaMask enjoys eating the embryos of species not known to science outside the circle of his personal hunters, but on this call had one lodged in his throat, a donut-shaped amoeba. His secretary does some of the talking for him at first before falling in love/hate with Rhinestone.

 Legends in Their Own Minds | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

Jezlude, lead singer of extreme band, GWAR, calls to offer his services to write a POTG Radio jingle and complain about how two of his rivals from old battle of the bands at state fairs were recently on the show. This prompts said rivals, Gib from the band Gardening in Biodomes and Joe from Gardening in Possible Biodomes, to call and have it out.\n Gimnael, motorcycle-riding, peyote-loving brother of Grimace, shows up in the studio unannounced. He tells stories of Mexican brothels and his time with the Leaf People of Panama.\n You will also hear from wrestler Pablo Mozart, who wins matches by painting himself pinning his opponent, the real Mozart, the real Picasso, and wrestler Starman.

 Death Fetish | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

(Someone claiming to be) Tiffany Amber Thiessen calls with a peculiar problem: she cannot see herself. A club DJ calls to offer his aid, revealing in the process his more interesting assistant, a man known as Earthquake who has been reincarnated many times since Mohammed founded Islam. Gandhi calls. Apparently he has a history with Earthquake.\n Bill Cosby wants a eulogy while he is still alive, and he's courting master eulogist Birdbest to do it. He's not winning favor with Birdbest though, since Cosby has re-wired Birdbests's TiVo to always play the Cosby Show and has an army of Demi Moore clones re-wiring Birdbest's house. Bill Clinton is called because Cosby is jealous of POTG Radio's "other Bill."\n With the phone lines clear of all except Bill Clinton, Birdbest's deadbeat father and resident of Egypt, Birdman, calls to pick the ex-president's brain about womanizing. He can't seem to get Cleopatra's Ghost in bed. In the conversation, Birdman reveals that he now shares his apartment (inside the great Sphinx), with a certain refrigerator who has been holding the Anti-Horse's heart hostage. The Anti-Horse calls to finally settle the score.

 Love is in the Err | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

Lord Moon calls, pronouncing his love for Corrinne, the core of the earth, who turns out to be quite the "Southern belle." Hell is her neighbor. The lawyer for another delusional woman who sometimes calls herself a Southern belle calls to make demands of Corrinne and perhaps find love himself.\n Silvio, the mustache of New Age musician Yanni, has struck out on his own. He wants to find some geisha girls in Tokyo with his good-time buddy, Godzilla, who apparently learned his English from the Australians. POTG Radio host Yahdderman had counseled Godzilla when he was separating from his ex-wife, Mothra.\n POTG Radio hears from non-threatening rival radio host Newton Folds, who's a bit tiffed that Yanni had called because Yanni was on his show just moments before. Newton is dating a leather-clad Las Vegas cop, Nicoletta, who loves to throw bricks on him, make him kill cows, and blame it on a doll she made out of leather. Dr Frank of Rocky Horror fame and full of wine and sleeping pills calls to lazily egg Nicoletta on.

 Ice Cold Potatoes | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

POTG Radio hears from Mole Man, who is running for "Ruler of United Scandinavia," a contest with strange rules. He announces he is dating CJ, the mother of his opponent, JC Superstar. In 2006, CJ "fell on" the British crown jewels while attempting to steal them, which set in motion a process that turned her into royalty. Gonzo also calls to have it out with Mole Man.\n With Mole Man and JC Superstar both campaigning to be elected "Ruler of United Scandinavia," they turn to two famous ice cream makers for support. The first is the cold-hearted Cream Christ, the second is Rodney the Caped Ice Cream Man.\n Ernie calls from the secret hospital where he is being kept against his will; he has not, in fact, died of cancer. He has no idea where the hospital is located and fears that for the upcoming event known as the "Airing of Correctances," he will make the worst mashed potatoes (as judged by Snuffleupagus), and thus be crucified. Two rock musicians call to offer help, as well as David the Gnome.\n Hear all of the above plus get more in depth with the United Ruler of Scandinavia race.

 Sibling Ribaldry | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

Arnold from "Different Strokes" and Webster claim they're immortal brothers and bicker over who is the bigger POTG Radio fan.\n Twin pagan gods This and Thus call to promote "Truth: The Board Game," defying logic along the way, talking in disarmingly calm voices, and generally mocking humanity.\n Mario and Luigi speak of how Luigi is being set-up with criminal charges. Apparently, what started in Vegas may not always stay in Vegas.\n Skeeter of the Muppets calls to out her brother, Scooter, who has reverted to his old irresponsible lifestyle. The Jamaican soul that Scooter claims possessed him then calls to give his side, and somehow Wayne Brady also makes an appearance.

 Binge Drunking | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

Whale Man, a hermaphroditic whale who used to be married to porn producer Jermaine Jermolst, calls POTG Radio. S/he is attempting to go to the other extreme by becoming a moral crusader, though a call from her son, ex-Nickelodeon host Donnie Jeffcoat, reveals s/he's probably yearning for a lover more than missing family.\n Whale Man can change genders, and so can caller Louis Louise, a new kind of drag racer. That's why Louis calls to feel out what a little romance between the two may be like. You'll also hear from Roy Guilt, a man who literally carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.

 Language Barriers | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

Jermaine Jermolst, a porn director formerly married to a hermaphroditic whale, calls to promote his new male porn star. The call was prompted by UB's previous discussion of the pistol shrimp; the porn star goes by that same name, Pistol Shrimp, and offers his unique version of peace for England and Ireland.\n POTG Radio's favorite ex-president besides Clinton, Teddy Roosevelt, calls to demonstrate his new job: translating for the musician Beck, who has written so many songs with nonsensical lyrics that he can no longer communicate logically.\n Beck had expressed, via his interpreter Teddy Roosevelt, that he wanted to speak with Grimace's cousin, Plum Plumber, a large green plum-man who lives and works on Long Island, NY. Once he's on, they explore how "spending time" in the same cave has created a telepathic link between them. Then the "First Man" calls, followed by a 16 year old girl who proves that even the first man is just a dirty old man.\n Who is an ancient, tortured Arabian steed that brings people back from the dead? The Anti-Horse, and he thinks he's dying because he can't remember bringing Teddy Roosevelt (who's still on the phone from earlier) back from the dead. The Anti-Horse is doubly worried because his heart has been inside of Slifrigerator, health guru Slim Goodbody's old refrigerator, for a very long time. The two had met in ancient Persia and have an old rivalry. Slifrigerator eventually reveals his new desert location, prompting a call from Birdman, his current neighbor.\n Also on the show, U.B. Jackson gives an alternate meaning to Pistol Shrimp. Willow drinks.

 The Birds And The Bees | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

Rival radio host Birdman is granted amnesty and makes a live studio appearance for the first time. POTG Radio is honoring a promise that he could be the "Object of Desire" on Grape Love, their dating game. The three contestants are Oxford (Deez Nuts' announcer), The Afterbirth Fairy, and Bill Cosby. Find out what Bill Cosby has a tattoo of and what everyone thinks of Internet sex videos.\n Birdman's prior appearance sparks a call from Birdbunch — conjoined septuplet birds. Then, to keep with the theme, Big Bird calls to complain how they take jobs away from him performing on the cruise line circuit.\n You'll also hear from Don Kong the clothing designer (formerly known as Donkey Kong), a Republican bee who does not like the phrase "birds and bees," his queen bee, Sallie, and her would-be suitor, the mathematician Fibonacci.

 Small Wonders | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

POTG radio speaks to Queen Mab, a fairy who claims to control dreams. King Louis V of France then calls to reveal details about their relationship and the secret of the old French monarchy. Then, Queen Mab's advances on Willow, POTG Radio's producer, are brought to light.\n Piglet from the Winnie the Pooh show calls to discuss how he recently shot the series Survivor: Vietnam. Cobra Commander and Destro, villains from the G.I Joe world, were also on the show and call.\n Also, the hosts discuss Internet regulations and prostate masturbation in the intro banter. You'll also hear more from Piglet, Cobra Commander, and Destro than you did on the clips, as well as the robot that Piglet built with David Hasselhoff, and ex-wrestler Starman.

 Slave Labor | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

After speaking with Santiago McPherson, a lawyer for the McDonaldland Fry Kids, and Pontius Pilate, a judge, two Fry Kids are called. After Santiago guesses as to where Fry Kids come from, SpongeBob Squarepants (or as he says, "Squibblesquat") and his pants call. Sponge Bob works for Crab Man's underwater fast food joint and reveals he has used underwater potatoes as fries, who become Fry Kids if you let them grow. He has sold these grown "Fry Kids" to Ronald McDonald for labor.\n Bob Beasley from the Bank of New York calls POTG Radio to complain that his employees are distracted by the show and asks that it be taken off the air. When he mentions Bill Clinton's old negative money idea and how he has invested in a stock market based on it, Clinton's father, Bill Elvis Johnson For Short, calls. Beasley also reveals his true identity.\n Also in this episode, Quailburglar calls to represent McDonald's. Bill Clinton is found in Sri Lanka and cues POTG Radio in on Negative Casinos. We also hear from Captain Morgan, the once masculine pirate, now a casino manager.

 Everyone's Got an Announcer | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

Wendell Woah and Clergy Man are the sidekicks for Wild Bill Nipple-o, a man who preaches about nipple empowerment. While he tries to keep them in line, he explains why POTG Radio rival Deez Nuts is providing yet another reason to hate him.\n Deez Nuts, with his new announcer, Oxford, in tow calls to defend himself and why he hates nipples. Grimace's brother, Gimnael, calls, spaces out.\n After Dr. Frank of Rocky Horror Picture Show fame was explaining how Idaho used to be a colony for very liberal people "back in the day," Gonzo is called to demonstrate his rhyming technique.\n Middle-Aged Man Winter lives in his father's cold shadow and admits to being pecked by Pelican Pecorino. Sexual harassment charges may follow.

 The Blizzard of Brie | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

Rival host Birdman of "Planet of the Cheese" calls looking to score a date with a listener, prompting a call from The Hairball Brothers. After that, "Brie," a man in the cheese business who Birdman allegedly helped, calls. Apparently, all Birdman did was send huge amounts of brie cheese to Mount Olympus, thus incurring the wrath of Zeus and the Goat God, since many goats and bovines were killed due to exhaustion from fulfilling the huge order.\n Ronald then gets on the phone, his floating palace having crashed into Venice due to Zeus' lightning bolts, all because of Birdman's ordering ridiculous amounts of brie cheese to Mount Olympus. The man known as "Brie" wants his money for the order.\n With Ronald still on the phone lamenting how his floating palace has crashed into Venice, POTG Radio gets a wrong number call and makes the best of it.\n Boris Yeltsin calls from the dead, complaining about the man who controls his cloud, Blizzard Man, who has created the bad weather for April. He did this to punish Boy Man, who is in Siberia with the circus impresario/American leprechaun Quilquoshe LaBoast. Prince calls to make Quilquoshe a business proposition, as does the Sphinx, also experiencing bad weather since Birdman lives in his nostrils and has fallen out of Blizzard Man's favor as well.

 The New York-Siberia Express | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 0:00

POTG Radio speaks with Tor, the janitor of NYC. After sending out a bizarre request for his clothing preferences, Mother Therysiskel, mother of a "baby bishop," calls to negotiate with Tor.\n Somehow Col. Mustard of Clue, adult children's model Boy Man, and Gonzo of the Muppets are all involved in a pending war that raises moral, philosophical, and questionable questions. May cause breach births.\n Also on the show, ex-cricketer Sanjay Singh call to explain underground the NYC phenomenon of English Handball. Sleazy Chee, another player who is a chicken/architect/ex-rapper, calls to give his side, as do Julia Child, Mole Man, and the greatest player of the sport.

 Presidents' Day Blow Out | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 1:02:56

"Young David Hasselhoff" calls, claiming he is a version of the entertainer in the past. Then his mother calls to specify what he means. She has spent time in the lab of Dr. Bozo, a clown/doctor who calls to reveal the bigotry that clowns face.\n Following his discussion of clown segregation, President Andrew Jackson begins detailing his open parties at the White House. It turns out that somehow David Hasselhoff's mother used to attend and that Andrew, along with his friends Rumpelstiltskin and Gorilla Boy, had a bet to see who could sleep with her first. The winner's face would be on the one million dollar treasury bill.\n Teddy Roosevelt and his butler, Teddy Ruxpin, wanted to talk about conservation and birds. This prompted Bird Best, one of Birdman's illegitimate sons, to call. He squabbles with Teddy and Teddy about birds and then speaks about his practice of giving eulogies for people he didn't know.\n Besides the topics listed in the above segments, you'll also hear an interview with Teddy Roosevelt and his butler, Teddy Ruxpin. One of POTG Radio's pathetic competitors, Newton Folds, tries to reveal President Roosevelt as a fraud.

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