Planet of the Grapes
Summary: Don't you wish the world were a little stranger? Then tune in to Planet of the Grapes Radio, where the border between reality and the surreal disappears. Join the hosts of POTG Radio as they speak to their ludicrous, opinionated, and sexually ambiguous line of callers. Discover the grueling occupation of The Afterbirth Fairy, why harlequins and motorcycle gangs hate each other, and who owns real estate in the Sphinx's nostrils. Through their exclusive callers, POTG Radio makes the universe a much bigger and livelier place. It's absurd, sick, random humor at its finest. Haven't you heard? www.planetofthegrapes.com
The hosts and Willow take the show on the road, fielding callers as they drive to Mount Rushmore. But before anybody can call up, the car's GPS system starts talking and complaining about her lot in life. Gonzo calls and insists that GPS get into a real body. We also hear from a Dr. YoLorenzo who calls in support of Gonzo's new motto, "Say Yes to Fun."\n Birdman calls in a state. He appears to have been tricked into a sexless, monogamous marriage and looks for ways to get out of it without losing half his fortune. He hires Mothra as a private investigator to dig up dirt on his wife, and both Gonzo and Grimace offer their help, as Grimace is obsessed with Birdman's wife.. and Gonzo is obsessed with sleaze.\n We also hear from Siri, who is GPS's sworn enemy.
Ruby of 5th Element fame waxes philosophical from space with the hosts. Then the former Pooh star turned biker Piglet calls up to gripe about Ruby and face off against him on sexuality and taste in lovers.\n Gonzo Alighieri admits being an ancestor to the present day Gonzo as well as being an assistant to Dante. He is also married to the planet Mars, who is in fact a feminine being who is plagued by Luther Vandross living on her surface and generally being a third wheel. Luther is sick of Earth and modern music so he chose to live in space.\n The real Gonzo calls up to talk to his ancestor for the first time, which brings Alighieri much anxiety about being accepted by his kin. Gonzo feels Alighieri just needs to loosen up.\n The Afterbirth Fairy reveals she has given birth, and Julio Iglesias claims to be the father. The child turns out to be Point Three, the partially-formed human being.\n We also hear from Julio's bassist Four Loko – the banned alcoholic drink – Bob Oreck and Willis from "Different Strokes", who is now representing the Grasshopper Association.
Pablo Picasso heard POTG Radio talking about him off the air and decided to hijack the episode. It turns out that he has been reincarnated into the body of a talent agent for David Duchovny but still remembers his past life, so it’s made him a little elitist and bitter. Louis Louise calls to take the wind out of his sails. S/he has started a radio therapy show of his/her own, having extensive knowledge of both sexes since s/he changes genders every night at midnight. To make matters more complicated, David Duchovny joins the conversation, detailing his sexual problems.\n Ronald McDonald hasn’t appeared in his own commercials in years. So who is it that dons the red ‘fro? The POTG Radio hosts dig a little to find a strange connection with Kurt Russell and a little girl with a mind-reading gang of children.\n Ronald’s troubles don’t subside very quickly as the Quaker Oats Man emerges as another “representative” from the McDonald’s commercials. He calls Ronald out on his extravagant life and absence in the commercials while simultaneously claiming he slept with Kurt Russell’s wife. Mickey Andy Charly and Aunt Jemimah quickly call up to join sides in what turns out to be the possible beginning of a food war.\n
Birdman and Newton Folds apparently are fax machine aficionados and attend FaxCon, the country's premier fax machine convention... if you can even say that.\n Across the street from the studio is a brick who hates our show. He wants us to change our format to standard, boring daytime talk radio. But as the apartment adjacent to him fills with marijuana smoke, he gets high and orders $8,000 worth of Chinese food to the studio. The delivery boy turns out to be the Last Unicorn on earth, and the restaurant is owned by Mr. Ling, who is Teriyaki Boy's brother. Teriyaki boy calls to steal/propose to the Last Unicorn, while Withering Witherspoon wants to ride the unicorn nude. Camillo from "Hungry Hungry Hippos" wants to take Gonzo the wedding. \n We also hear from Swedish Mecha Godzilla who is in love with LaPaz Sucre, the president of Bolivia.
Yahdderman celebrates scoring his chariot's license and considers Cream Christ as a candidate to pull him around. Cream Christ chimes in immediately, but his first gripe is over a competing ice cream and pizza establishment. Turns out the offending Pizza Hovel is owned by Mario's cousin, who turns this grudge into an all-out verbal melee.\n Grimace reveals to the hosts the existence of an island where Grimace's kin can frolic and go about their daily lives is relative peace... that is until Boy Man and Macho Man Randy Savage come knocking at their door. They claim that Grimace Island is prejudiced against them by denying citizenship.\n Boy Man explains the secret ulterior motives to being a part of Grimaceland, which seems to include a hybrid army of Grimacelike toddlers. Ryan Seacrest decides this would make a great reality show, and Slim Goodbody and Richard Simmons offer opposing advice for Boy Man.\n Slim Goodbody describes his new fetish for traveling the world's most dangerous roads, which also doubles as a form of cheap, mentally unstable therapy.
Yahdderman brings the famous purple dinosaur, Barney, into the studio for a live interview. After speaking about some new projects, he's joined on the phone by the Sun and the Moon. Obviously, Sir Isaac Newton then gets on the phone. After the Sun and Moon get off, Barney discusses the shady lawyer, Barabbas McQueesinought. Mr. Mcqueesinought had swindled Barney and the Chicken McNuggets into paying him for the guarantee to get a phone call through POTG Radio the last time Barney was on.\n Sir Isaac Newton is asked about his appreciation and intense critiques of diners. This leads POTG Radio to get on the phone with the Roach God and the Lumberjack Chef, two personalities who own what is perhaps the worst diner in America. Part of their furniture includes Bettie Page's corpse.\n Gosh, a second-rate deity, calls to announce that unfortunately, the Roach God is going to Heck for the practices he has instituted at Jackson's Diner. The segment ends with POTG Radio's producer, Willow, accidentally letting his ranting father slip onto the audio feed.\n Also in this episode is a call from Otto Krisbane, the inventor who developed Mecha-Godzilla. Ronald calls to gloat about his good relationship with his own robotic monster, Swedish Mecha-Godzilla. Bill Clinton weighs in after the 2009 inaugaration.
Queen Mab, who creates everyone's dreams, calls to celebrate the monumental event where she herself had a dream. In it she was having an intimate moment with Sandman. Sandman calls to explain how things happen, or don't, in dreams, and that some mythical beings need to eat.\n We speak to the Essence of Bad Taste, whose whole existence is to appear in the presence of distasteful images and conversations, among other unsavory events. Piglet gripes about Bad Taste's constant presence around his motorcycle gang. Gimnael, Grimace's brother and leader of the motorcycle gang, also joins.\n Continuing from the previous segment, Bad Taste, Piglet and Gimnael wax philosophical on the taste and design of Graceland, Elvis's home in Memphis. This prompts a call from the beyond.\n Also, Tiger Woods is turning people into dolphins....
Bill Cosby calls to proclaim how he feels twenty years younger after just having experienced a papaya juice enema. Withering Witherspoon, a mini Reese Witherspoon impersonator, calls about her boyfriend, POTG Radio producer, Willow. She wants him to become vegan, but is flipping out because she too did the papaya enema as well and all of her inhibitions have now gone out the window.\n Following the last segment with Willow's girlfriend going off the deep end, the hosts get three lovely ladies on the phone to compete for a date with him in a Grape Love segment. The contestants are: Margaret Thatcher, Sarah Palin, and Reese Witherspoon, whose bloodstream is taken over at times by the Christmas Tree Enzyme.\n Also on the show, Thomas Jefferson laments his obscurity on currency and proposes the two-dollar bill be circulated to help stimulate the economy. Frank Lloyd Wright and Alexander the Great call to explain the papaya juice enema craze.
Mario starts by complaining how his brother Luigi isn't always sharp, citing an old incident where he fell for a cop disguised as a prostitute. Renowned Swiss therapist Dr. Flappenhauer calls with advice, but can't get far as he is always interrupted by his boots, which respectively house the spirits of Keith Richards and Michael Bolton. Pee Wee Herman's Talking Couch is not making matters any easier for Dr. Flappehauer.\n Pee Wee Herman's Couch begins by proclaiming that he has a "big old mouth" and that Luigi has fed him burgers in the past. The undigested burgers have now formed into a being named Ribbim, who apparently is going into business with Spongebob Squarepants. They plan to start a fast food chain that serves rancid burgers, with Al Gore as an investor. Dr. Flappenhauer and his boot possessed by the spirit of Michael Bolton, still on the line from the previous segment, weigh in.\n Bill Clinton calls to try and balance his old partner Al Gore, who is on the phone and trying to connect rancid burgers to the sun burning "the weak" to death in 2012. Al admits he has Cookie Monster on a torture wheel in his basement, prompting Gonzo to call and try to help his fellow Muppet.
The first caller of 2010 is POTG Radio perennial, Prince. He calls to talk about the latest bashes in his "Dancedom of Dakota," but soon, the hosts hear from the mysterious other two "Princes." This exclusive clip reveals the real workings of how Prince maintains his prolific output and energetic live shows, as well as how the uncouth Blizzard Man relates to all of this. Longtime caller Bill Clinton also weighs in.\n High profile madame from the 1990s, Heidi Fleiss, calls to tout her new business venture, including employees Crystal and Rod Steelington. Bill Clinton, still on the phone from the previous segment, announces his newest plans about removing salt from the oceans.\n Continuing from the previous segment, Bill Clinton cannot understand Heidi Fleiss' new platonic prostitution ring, and Gonzo calls to lament how he liked things better in the old days. Gonzo's new campaign is destroying horoscopes, prompting animosity with a mysterious caller named Krishna the Psychic.
A male wolf who dresses like female humans, Lotharius, calls to explain why he does so. Somehow, a plan to turn Nebraska into a pool figures into his goals. His interview prompts a call from Link of The Legend of Zelda fame, who apparently has also dealt with cross-dressing and transgender issues himself.\n Two morning drive DJs from a Vancouver radio station perform an "FCC Hijack." Premium Priest and Baby O'Radio call POTG Radio while simultaneously airing the conversation on their own show. The POTG Radio hosts agree to let Premium Priest and Baby O'Radio psychoanalyze Grimace and Lotharius the Transvestite Wolf, who were on the POTG Radio phone before the morning jocks called.\n Upon the request of one Dr. Frank N. Furter of Rocky Horror fame, disgruntled ex-Muppet and POTG Radio's favorite rhymer, Gonzo, is called. At first, Gonzo resists the phone call because he's having "me time." He's celebrating the anniversary of breaking free from Nanny, the caregiver who watched over the Muppets when they were babies. He stays on long enough to discuss his dispute with Harvey Keitel, his several homes, and Frank's upcoming Halloween party.\n Also, a conversation with Grimace reveals why he recently had plastic surgery.
Jack O'Humphrey, owner of the Smilers deli chain, offers us store space in return for being a fourth host. Being gracious enough, he is given a test run and co-runs the episode. But things heat up quickly as his casual girlfriend Flinta demands on-air attention and he commits an interview faux pas concerning Donkey Kong's childhood.\n Donkey Kong, known professionally as Don Kong, has teamed up with the Quaker Oats Man in starting a day spa.\n But they can't agree on the details, such as the titan that gives massages and oatmeal replacing toilet water. LSD invades their office, turning Don Kong into Pontius Pilate.\n "Birdman is waxing, and Ronald is waning," as the newly-colored Birdman so eloquently put it. He boasts his new era as a solo act and how his new friend Female Thor helped him dye his feathers. But wherever Birdman is, his old cohorts are never far behind. Deez Nuts, introduced by Oxford, confesses his dream of making love to Female Thor. He tries to woo her with his new comedy act.\n Also, The End calls to end the show. Yeah...
POTG Radio producer, Willow, has been discussing how Gorilla Boy stole his special bicycle. Attempting to mediate the conversation is Wikipedia creator, Wickford Pediatro, a man with a slippery definition of truth. Apparently, Wickford and Willow went to school together. Gorilla Boy has yet another friendly rivalry with Andrew Jackson, this time involving aquariums.\n Andrew Jackson joins the conversation detailing his "aquarium contest" with his old friend, Gorilla Boy. An "angel" who represents/oversees pugs named Pugnacious calls, because all of the previous callers seemed to condone pug violence. McMaster Pug, Gorilla Boy's publicist calls, as does Samuel K. Jackson, who is obsessed with Samuel L. Jackson's movie characters. Then the real Samuel calls.\n Silvio calls. He used to be Yanni's mustache, but now he has been shaved off. Perhaps Yanni was upset that Silvio cost him "bedding Cindy Crawford." The Statue of David calls. A new arrangement between Silvio and David is discussed.\n Two Michelangelos call: both the artist and the turtle. A debate ensues as to whether or not David existed before Michelangelo the artist carved him. The turtle discusses how he protected David from vandalism. The perpetrator, Peter, calls. His attempt to get graffitti on David was all a ploy to get attention from Oprah.
The Green Giant, moonlighting as a rap producer, is introduced by a "free form rapper" he is working with named Kream Korn. The G.G goes on to discuss his status as a recent divorcee. Godzilla calls from Australia to catch up with his old giant friend. The Burger King used to ride Godzilla, but left, so both he and the Green Giant are now free to party and mingle.\n Teriyaki Boy, he of the Japanese fast food chain, calls looking for now delivery boys and girls. This prompts Birdman to call, who proposes developing a reality show with Teriyaki Boy. Corey Haim gets in on the action, and not far behind him is his babysitter, Jam.\n With Teriyaki Boy still on the phone looking for new delivery boys and girls, Buddha calls. He complains that "through esoteric meditation techniques," the Quaker Oats Man has attached himself to Buddha. The morning breakfast man then gives his own side of the story. Teriyaki Boy discusses his ad campaign.\n Amidst the battle of wits between Buddha and the Quaker Oats Man, a man named Bobby Peanuts calls. He is interested in applying to the delivery person position that Teriyaki Boy, still on the phone, is searching for. Reporter Lance McPhillips calls to declare that women everywhere are attaching the new Quaker Oats ads. Mickey Andy Charley, former H-O farina model, calls to gloat to the Quaker Oats Man, and Jesus wraps things up.
Celebrating the Feast of Saint Walrus Man, we speak to the greater being himself/herself. Saint Walrus Man's sexual exploits incur the curiosity of hipster Plate Tectonics.\n Saint Walrus Man asks to be kept on in the background so he can listen to the show while the hosts get Tiffany Amber Thiessen on the phone. Plate wants to know why she slept with Saint Walrus Man and why she won't sleep with him. Also, a shrimp priest informs us that Saint Walrus Man is not really a saint.\n Bono is calling his new album "Piglet's Uterus". We don't know what that means, but we decided to get to the bottom of it. But first the Anti Horse has to call and remind Saint Walrus Man of his place. When we finally speak to Piglet, he is angry that everybody's talking about his uterus, whatever that may mean.\n Also on the show, Roland approaches Saint Walrus Man with a partnership and tries to arrange a match between Gupta Kronog and King Kong Bunson.